Monday, December 26, 2011

Second time a charm

Whilst getting my Ho Ho back I was attacked by the Oh No's. Not much a fun Christmas for my family with me throwing up every 30 mins for 15 hours.  All I can say is I can't wait for weigh in at WW on Sat!

I went to the doctors and it turns out I have some sort of infection.

What's interesting is that when I told my mum she said "wow, you are just like your dad". Turns out that when he had a big upset at work he got a stomach infection [insert spooky music here]

I have to eat a BRAT diet for two weeks - banana, rice, applesauce and toast. Clear liquids and once I am back on my feet no sugar or sugar substitute. At the moment that sounds fine by me!

And speaking of second times... BWUB is PREGNANT!!!!! Congratulations. So happy for you. 

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Peace. Joy. Prosperity

Thank you for your kind words. Really helped to get my ho ho back.
TO that end, DH and I are snuggled up on the sofa watching the Yule Log (he's asleep actually) listening to that really great bad music and the kids? They went back to bed!

No presents have been opened as yet which draws out the fun. I guess this will be the last year for that. They even slept till 7am. We aren't cooking this year since everyone is out of sorts, however we will be going a retro diner downtown just for the fun of it. Then home to gifts and music and maybe lasagna (the ultimate comfort food :-))

Got a call from the company that didn't hire me - they wanted to let me know it was a budgetary restriction only (not performance, they are not hiring anyone else) and if they can work out the money side (not really likely since they just lost 2 big accounts) the jobs mine. Not sure I want to work with such a neurotic company but hey - I need the job. I also landed two consulting gigs for January - Phew! Prosperity.

Wishing you all joy, peace and prosperity for 2012

Friday, December 23, 2011

No ho ho ho

I got an email late last night from the company that I have had ten hours of interviews with. It's for a very high level job so the amount of interviews wasn't unusual. What was unusual was that the person with the budget, the person I would apparently report to knew NOTHING about why we were speaking? Turns out the global CEO wants someone like me in to manage this guy. Nice.

Anyhow. The email was from the HR person asking for a call. Today.  He told me they are not going to hire me. I'm petrified that I will never work again. I am furious at the company for being so totally disorganised about the whole thing. And for telling me this close to Christmas. I mean c'mon! This is really not cool.

Pip continues to be whiny and he puked all his diner up last night so we decided that it wasn't a good idea to go to the Christmas parties. Not fair on others. I'm still not well. Whaaa whaa whaa.

No job. No parties. No ho ho ho. :-(

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

not teething ...

No its wasn't just teething. Pip has a virus and today his body is covered in a rash. Nothing to be done but tlc etc. Neither is eating too well and Pip is exhausted but he getting into trouble more which is a wonderful sign.

Just as Pip got ill so did I (&DH). I came down with a stomach bug. I had a raging temperature, body aches and projectile everything.  It was so bad that I asked super nanny to stay overnight. She was terrific about the whole thing. It was the first good nights sleep I've had in ages, even if I was recovering from severe blech!

All in all not a great start to the holiday seasons!

Onwards tho. Gearing up for parties and fun. Dresses and shiny shoes and little jackets oh my!

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Is this teething? need help

Both kids have gone wonky this weekend. Saturday Mimi fell ill. Lethargic and temperature. she didn't want to eat but would take her milk. Her temp broke in the evening but she has a really runny nose and lots  saliva. Today Pip woke up fine but by lunchtime was exactly the same except his temp went really high for a little bit. He hasn't eaten either but has had his milk.
Neither one can sleep for longer than an hour or so. Right now, they are quiet.

The not sleeping thing is really odd. I gave him a dose of medicine but it only seems to work for a little bit.

Anyway, please tell me your experiences with teething - anything sound like this?

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

What says Christmas to you

I'm from the UK and nothing says Christmas like Betty's Christmas fruit cake. Now I think the ole fruit cake gets a bad name over here. Yorkshire cake is full of brandy, rum, huge chunks of marzipan and icing. Ohh man, so good so good so good.

And mine arrived in the am and is half gone!

My kids like the cake. It makes them sleep. Mummy like the kids getting boozed up on Christmas cake! And before I get the storm of angry emails - they booze is flavour and not real stuff.

Now I have a new traditions. Shoes. We got the kids new shoes at Macy's today. Sparkly silver ones for Mimi and solid black ones for Mr Pip. I think, from now on, we shall get new shoes for Christmas (and Hanukkah).

What a lovely time of year :-)

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Walking and talking and thinking about stuff.

I love this toddling thing. Mimi can walk up a storm and almost run. Pip is a sooopa scootcha - my little guy can cover ground on his bum.  I love the talking and signing and learning and loving. I go to bed exhausted but very happy, looking forward to the cuddling and hilarious stuff the next day.

However, soon I should know whether I have landed a new full time job. The company is known for long hours and lots of travel. I am going to miss so much of my kids stuff when I go back to work. I'm so sad. I didn't really feel like this when I came off maternity leave.  But financially there is no way I can stay at home even if I thought I could handle it :-)  and there aren't that many jobs around that I can sniff at one.

I bought a lottery ticket. Hope lives eternal.

In the meantime, I am getting in the holiday spirit.  Here is tree #1 (the fake one).

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Tree's galore + Baby belly

We went with both the real tree and the fake tree!  We got a little fake tree for the living room. And we are getting a real tree for our bedroom. Yes, it will be tiny but at least it will be real and make our bedroom will smell just glorious. Overkill? You bet.

It's been quite the week. Sang in three concerts, ran my first full 5K today, had a financial review (phew, all good) and of course, had the little monsters to look after.

I'm worn out! I wish I could say that I will slow down this week but it ain't so.

The running has made me very aware of my post baby belly. Post pregnancy the c-section opened up and then closed as a big old scar. As expected it sits under my big twin belly and pushes it out. I'm losing weight but my belly is out of proportion to the rest of my body. It looks like I am wearing a bum-bag (fanny-pack) under my t-shirt. It just isn't getting any smaller.

A while back I went to see a plastic surgeon about getting surgery. It would cost $12K with him. If I lost weight the price would come down. I'm thinking that if I land a job I may invest in the plastic surgery. It's not only aesthetic. The constant pulling forward causes backache.

$12K is a year of pre-school. It's a good wack of our nanny fee's, it's a trip for all of us to the UK and somewhere on vacation.

Have you had anything done? Would you get this done? What are your thoughts?

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Tree decision

I backed off calling the social services on my DH and gained some perspective. And I took a V.alium. That helped.

So ...
Are you a real tree or a fake tree family? Growing up we had a fake tree. I loved decorating it with my dad but Christmastime was hard for my mum. So, the whole thing was a bit of a disaster really.
When I moved to America I saw all the tree's in the street (from the day after Thanksgiving) and I was in pig heaven. A REAL tree. Holy cow, what am I a millionaire. Only really wealthy people have real tree's.

Every year since we met Dh and I spend a lovely evening together, listening to bad Christmas music decorating our real tree.

But now we have the bionic babies. I swear, Mimi is so totally superbaby. She can lift small buildings over her head so a Christmas Tree - ha! no problem.  And Pip, he can wiggle anywhere.

I looked on-line and they range from $40 to $400!! Wow.

So, what do you do? Anyone had toddlers near a real tree? 

Saturday, November 26, 2011


On Saturday morning I get to do my stuff. I sleep in, go to Weight Watch.ers and the gym.  By the time I get home the kids are usually out of control - hungry, dirty, still in PJs, dirty nappies.

No difference today.

However, today, I noticed there was a pillow in the corner of their room. Didn't think anything of it and we had to go out so I got the kids washed, dressed and fed.

Hours later I was tidying their room up and picked it up the pillow. My DH had thrown it on top of the humidifier. The humidifier was still on.


My DH had put a pillow over the humidifier instead of moving it. I just can't get my head around this.

I can let the lazy dad thing go. Does it drive me mad and disgust me. Yes. But my kids haven't been in danger before. This week I interview for a new job. I will be on the road a great deal. My kids will be in his care.

What do I do? 

Friday, November 25, 2011

Baby days & Giving Thanks

The kids are growing up so fast! Mimi is talking up a storm and seems to be learning signs at lightening speed. We watch the video a few times and she just does it. She is walking and almost running. She is also entering the terrible two's stage. She sits on the floor, makes sure I am looking and lets out the most blood curdling screams.

Pip is a sweetie. He just cuddles and loves his mum!! He is walking with help and babbling away. He eats like a trouper.

Thanksgiving was a lovely day. It also happens to be my dads birthday so we skyped. We all got dressed up ready to walk the two blocks to the parade and then the kids fell fast asleep!  We did manage a little but a parade watching then back home to run around while DH got the meal together.

This sounds so normal to most people but to me, it was so wonderful. I didn't grow up with harmonious holidays. The normalcy of it all, the laughter, the hanging out and the good food was a dream come true.

Hope you all had a wonderful day. 

Sunday, November 20, 2011

What the ... you bit me!

Today my sweet (yeah, well sometimes sweet) little boy turned into a friggin Tru.e Bloo.d character.  Without warning he bit me on the shoulder really hard. I yelled and put him down. It was really painful. You will be surprised to know my first thought was not 'how can I get him back' but what if he does this to Mimi?

A few hours later he does the same thing again, this time even harder. I screamed in shock and pain. He looked so surprised he burst into tears. He was on the changing table at the time and I signed 'owie!!!' Instead of being the nice loving mom of American TV I was the evil mum of English TV and put him in time out (which means putting him in the corner and turning my back on him for 30 seconds).

I mean c'mon kid - this is not cool. I read up on the almighty web and the consensus is not to clamp his gob shut but to tell him it hurts (you think screeching at the top of my lungs conveys that?) and to replace his need to chew on human flesh with something else - like a chewy toy. Sounding somewhat canine however web peoples swear by it.

Other than human flesh neither one really ate today. The shots must have kicked in from their 15 month evaluation. That and the weird cold they have. They are snotty, tired and cranky. It's been a very long day which I made more stressful by eating like a cretin. Fried chicken (which I don't even like) garlic bread (to test out the new toaster oven and try and get some garlic in the kids) half a bagel and the kids macncheese. Oh and a creme broule.Yes my friends -  a carb and sugar delight. I may have to double up on my run tomorrow if I am not in a diabetic comma.

Any help on the biting most welcome.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Sick baby advice.

Pip is sick. I think it's just a cold but for the first time ever he lost his appetite. It's freaking me out. He didn't even want his beloved macandcheese.  He is so snotty I pulled him off milk for today. Basically he's eaten croissant's and the baked goods! Thankfully he also sucked down a bunch of pouch foods.
He didn't sleep too well last night and neither did Mimi (probably a reaction to their 15 month check up shots) but I am praying they sleep through the night. I went to bed at 6am and slept till 10am!

In the early days when the crying went on and on I would lose my temper. Now, it kind of rolls off me. This is a very recent thing. Loving it! I put it down to the amount of exercise I'm doing these days.

Training for this 5K has been the best thing ever. I love the short training sessions. I love the sweat and tired muscles. I love this is the first of three training apps I am doing (C25K, C210K, C225K).

Any how, here is my question. What do you feed to your kids when they are sick? 

Monday, November 14, 2011

head above water

I have started working out quite hard (C25K) and it seems to be doing the trick. My anxiety is lifting which means I can stop banging on about poor me and show you more pictures. 

My ma send the kids some very English sweaters (called jumpers, I know, its confusing).  I'm probably biased but damn, these kids are soooo cute. 

Pip the penguin!!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

deep breathing and lots of loving

The kids are amazing. They are both teething - and I mean really teething. 4am this morning, the little miss needed to be held and kissed and wrapped in her special blanket to stop the 'ouch' and even Pip is clingy which means we can't really go too far. So I've put futon mats on the floor, lay a soft duvet on top and we've been laying around reading, skyping with the UK and playing quietly.  They both love tummy tickles and head farts (I know, I know) and I really love cuddling.

However, I am depressed still. The exercise helps but I guess this is going to be a thing for a while no matter what I do. DH was surprisingly insightful yesterday, he said I was scared. Sounds straight forward but I hadn't thought of it! He's right. I am scared. I'm scared my career is over.  Today I didn't shower for the first time in years and alarm bells went off. However, I have been up most of the night so.... I guess I shall chalk this to babyhood and not the blues.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

down and downs

I'm was having a rough time. Heavy heart and full of worry. I looked at my kids and think - are you mine? I looked at my husband and think - do you love me?  I could barely move or think without wanting to scream or sleep.  Oh I would say depression has entered the building.

So, I mustered every ounce of will power today and got to the gym. Day1 of my 5K training. It worked. I am much better.

I shall start the day with a workout tomorrow.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

ups and downs

I was a little worried about my mental state yesterday. Very depressed. I'm totally knackered coz the kids are both teething now and therefore not sleeping which I think is the contributing factor. But still. Very unpleasant to feel that slipping down into nothingness.

Today is a bit better :-) I bought new trainers (sneakers) so I can start training for a 5K next month which cheered me up no end.

Still no job but I guess that is to be expected. Loving being with the kids more. Oh they are hilarious. Mimi is always asking 'Wass tha?" and Pip like to point to anything that is red and scream 'Rey"

My ma bought the kids about a thousand new items of clothing - all brand new and cool name brands like Boden, and M&S. I only buy second hand clothing (either off friends or ebay, bless you ebay) but now they are like real New Yorkers - all fancy and everything.

I am going to dress them up and go to see the big tree at Rockefeller Center. We shall go for winter picnics in the park, the zoo and the museums. There is defiantly an up side to being laid off!!

Sunday, November 6, 2011

as i sit and write...

... Mimi is half singing, half screaming, half laughing and half crying ( maths is not my strong point) instead of being silently asleep (oh no, now she's singing the "e i e i oooooooo" from Old McDonald's...)

Normally I would bring her out with me, here in the living room and put her in the dog play pen. But. The clocks went back last night as you are all aware and the little fecker sweetie got up a 4am. I have insomnia so I got to sleep around 1am. 4 - 1 = knackered. 

I had forgotten this kind of tired. The early years tired. The tired to your bones and would pay anything for 2 hours sleep.  The four espresso shot that does NADA to help your energy levels. That permanent headache just behind your eyes. 

Being reminded of the exhaustion of that first year something struck me.  I'm amazed that there aren't comprehensive social services for new mothers. In a society that bangs on about family values and the sanctity of the family etc this country is dreadful at supporting the very people that actually build families.  In Denmark, both parents are fully supported for the first two years of the child's life. They get full pay for 12 months for BOTH parents and another year of top notch social support. Denmark scored highest in the index that measures overall satisfaction and happiness across the world (and a remarkable lack of loony politicians).

Huh, where did that soap box come from! 

Oh my, its quiet. I am going to bed. 

Friday, November 4, 2011

Hallowee .... again ?!

So, it turns out that in NYC there's this thing called a snow day Halloween parade. Oh yes, my friends, tomorrow we are going to another Halloween party, this time in our local playground, due to the last one getting cancelled for snow and whatnot.

Things have been hectic, what with job hunting, consulting, baby stuff, DH and medical stuff and AF. Ever since having the kids my monthly AF attack is fierce. I get full on psycho attack, pain, my back goes out,  I cannot wake up etc. However, the (TMI ALERT) flow is actually less which is cool.

Anyhow, with all that and more my Halloween mojo has somewhat worn thin. I just want to crawl into bed and stay there! If there is so much as a whiff of rain ... I can see it being an inside day!

I wonder if all this lethargy is all AF related? I do find the whole interviewing process draining. In my business you spend more time listening than talking! Ego ahoy. I bought lottery tickets so I could win the $245MM but I was sold faulty tickets again. Why does that keep happening.

Anyhoo,  I end my first week of unemployment much as I started it - repairing the damn costumes! 

Monday, October 31, 2011

Halloweeeeeeeeee - last day to see photo's

Seriously, this is such a fun holiday! You get to wear whatever YOU think is cool and eat tons of candy all the while impressing everyone with your cute kids. What's not to love?

I dressed as a doctor (coz I had a pair scrubs tucked away somewhere) and added cat ears coz they make the kids laugh! The momfia's at the play group were all dressed in 'costumes' that showed off either their boobs, arse, legs etc. The point, you morons, is to have fun with the kids not let your inner hooker free!!!!

Anyhoo - Pip was a cowboy in the morning and an adorable puppy in the evening and Mimi was a ladybird. She loves her hoody costume.  We sang, danced and clapped till there wasn't a spark of energy left and they went happily to bed.

Since this is my last day of work I decided to throw caution to the wind and eat as much Halloween candy as I could lay my hands on. Rock on sugar high.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Hair cut

Kids had their very first haircut and oh my oh my oh my, they look so cute.  I told the haircutting lady that Mimi will have long hair and to give her a girl cut coz everyone mistakes her for a boy. For Pip - please for the love of all things white bread,  cut off the mullet hair.

And here he is ...  getting de-mulleted (photo deleted)

Mimi was watching something on TV that was clearly not cool. You can see the long hair at the back - that was snipped into a really cool pixie bob. She looked like a supermodel! (photo deleted)

They are both fast asleep after a really lovely play date. The snow is coming down in buckets and the kettle is on for tea.


(I shall delete this post in a few days coz it has photo's).

Monday, October 24, 2011

travel madness

my ma is old with a dicky heart and my dad is older with this that and the other problems. They cannot really travel to me. So I ought to travel to them. I ought to be checking the sites for a low fare (you know -$1000 bucks !!!!!) and buying a single travel system etc.

So, what am I doing you ask?

Watching a West Wing marathon and googling Caribbean family vacations :-)

Yeah, I know. Until I get a job I am not going anywhere but it is fun to dream.

Now, which one should I take? About 4 months ago I would have said Mimi - hands down. But whats this? Pip is coming around the bend with great form - he is cuddly, happy and easy. Mimi? she cannot sit still or stop whining at the moment. Drives me up the frikkin wall. But, she is also very hardy, loves adventure and handled the first trip with ease.

It's a dilemma! 

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Sliding into last

The last week of employment. It shouldn't feel this good! Over the past few days I have shed my old work persona and felt a huge weight lifting from my shoulders. I slept for 2 hours yesterday afternoon. That is a personal best.

I was chatting with my folks in the UK and thought I should pop over to see them. If I take one of the kids it is really easy. Get a cheap flight and stay with my brother. Well, there is no such thing as a cheap flight. Nothing under $1K.  Ah well. Keep your eyes posted for cheap flight to the UK for me!!

Since  being assessed the kids have started chatting and walking and discussing philosophy ... OK maybe not that one. We went to see friends yesterday and they were amazed at how much the kids had 'grown up' !

Today shall be a lazy Sunday of walks and talks and tea. Perfect.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Second Assessment

They have no issues at this time. Yup. I'm so frikkin' relieved.  I can hardly keep my eyes open. A huge weight has been lifted. I didn't release how freaked out I was by all the testing.

No issues at this time.

Rather advanced in some areas. Ha! Rather advanced. Well, super nanny is rather super.  And the kids are totally super. Love it.

So, that is that. No more testing unless they start to regress.

Today is our wedding anniversary. At the beginning of the month I had 'canceled' any celebration. I just booked a table at a lovely place around the corner, called the babysitter/friend and found a card for DH.

Things are ... dare I say it... looking up.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Speech Assessment

The chick came for about 2 hours and played with the kids. Both are well within the 12 - 17 month old range. No problems and no indications of problems at this time

(bigggggggsigh of relief)

It's funny how I wanted them to 'pass' instead of being concerned there was something wrong. I think I knew we were OK since they have made such massive strides in the past few weeks.

Tomorrow is the physical assessment.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011


That's me running around NYC interviewing my ARSE off! I decided that I have my family, my health and my humour. Yes, this is sad but enough bloody drama.

We watched the sun come up today. My whole family having a book picnic (throw a blanket on the floor and the kids can put as many books as they like on it and we 'graze'). What more can I ask for?
We sang songs (which is hilarious with pre-linguistic babies) and cuddled, kissed and tumbled.

I shall get another job. My friend will stop wigging out and crying and breaking apart which just kills me. We may even get a job together (got a call this afternoon that someone wants us to replicate our practice in their very cool company).

So, thank you, one and all for your help and support. It made a huge help, as I am sure you know.

Tomorrow we have an assessment  - speech? I shall fill you in afterwards. 

Monday, October 17, 2011


I just told my friend and colleague that she is being let go. 

She looked panic stricken but said that she knew something was going on. 

There were tears from both of us. 

She is trying to be all upbeat, supportive and yet her face is riddled with pain, shock and fear. 

I felt like I was going to have a heart attack telling her. Now, I am calm and feel ... well, what you would expect.

I must believe good things will come. I must.  


Saturday, October 15, 2011


(Thank you everyone for your help. Really does help)

Out of the blue Pip has developed a deep fear of a cartoon lion. It's on the sweetest little DVD but for the past few days if it comes on the tv he screams and gets all ... curflunked. We whip it off fast but I can't help but smile when I hear those little boy sounds. Sooooo cute. I know how he feels tho. Dr Who would come on and I would yell "Dad! come quick". I was terrified of the stupid show but had to watch it! 

I'm doing a bit better on the work front. Might have an interview next week. I have a few meet and greets. On Monday I have to tell my business partner she is being laid off since she has been on vacation for 3 weeks in Asia. We've been working side by side for 6 years. 

I shall concentrate my time this weekend on my family and deal with the work thing on Monday. I need some peace. I shall find that in my kids laughter and the arms of my DH. 

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

holding on

Everyone thinks I'm great and no-one is hiring! There is one job open to me but the asking price is way lower that we need but if I can get them up... you never know.

I'm losing confidence in my skills and my battle with depression. An ugly black cloud is holding me down and making it hard to move or think.  I don't think I've eaten in 12 hours which is really not like me! I know it all sounds cliche but there isn't really another way of describing it.

I saw a headhunter today who depressed the living crap out of me. I think I met her years ago and there was a reason I didn't get to know her!!

Oh I'm crying again. Stop feeling so sorry for yourself women.

If you're out there, drop me a line - just say hi or shut up or cheer up you depressing old cow - I'd love to hear from you.

Monday, October 10, 2011

little and often

One offspring is asleep in his crib. The other is keeping herself busy in the play zone (a dog pen with lots of toys and balloons).

Trying my very best not to give in to my moody blues! Totally knackered after the 10K yesterday which doesn't help. Also seem to have lost my appetite.  We made a valiant effort to get out and about today but came home when I realised I was standing stock still at the lights and they must have changed at least 3 times. Dazed and confused.

I keep thinking to myself that now is the time. Now is the time to grab life and make a difference. Then I think ... holy shit ... unemployed.  And I have a bad haircut!

OK. time to kick myself up the arse. I have a home, lovely kids and a wonderful husband.   And I can get another haircut. I will get another job, more money and enjoy it a 1000x more. I love this city and will have the chance to visit the museums and go to the amazing cinema's. I will write that article that has eluded me and most of all, I shall play with my wonderful kids.

Yes, this is working... what else???

I will win the lottery and wear cashmere all day. And start a foundation. And eat sushi whenever I like. Get an apartment with a working fireplace so we can all snuggle up together and read Winnie the Pooh.

Sweet - lets have lunch :-)

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Swimming up

I've had some very encouraging chats with head hunters and have some more to come so that has somehow taken some of the panic away. The best times are when I'm with the little ones. They make it all OK.

In other news - I walked a 10K today.  It was wonderful. I would have run more but the person I was with couldn't run so I stayed with her. We broke all the rules and walked on the runners course.  I paid for a 10K I was gonna do a 10K, damn it!

Thanks again for your posts. They are really helpful. 

Friday, October 7, 2011

Sinking in...

The whole 'no job' thing is sinking in. It's terrifying. Everyone is stunned  - all my friends and colleagues. No-one saw this coming, not really. At least it isn't a performance thing. This is the result of a hostile take-over and I am on the wrong team.

At first I had massive emotional swings. 'Freedom!' to despair to 'lets go!' to feck off while I curl up in a ball and whimper. I am in a permanent state of shock now. I think about the fact that for the first time in my adult life I have no income and a spike of panic spread through me. My shrink prescribed some sleeping pills and working out. I walked for an hour this morning and it did f+ck all.

And one of the worst things about all this is I have three weeks of work left. I have to actually still be at work. It's torture.  And, my dear friend and colleague is on vacation till the middle of the month. I have to tell her when she gets back. Totally dreading it.

I have got to get it together.

At least the recruiter calls are all set up.

Thanks to those that posted - it was great to read the support. 

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

The one where I lose my income

I went to see my boss on Monday.  I hadn't seen him for ages and I wanted to see what the deal was for next year - whether I was getting the promotion he'd spoken about, the bonus etc.

We chatted for a while and then he said "I want to give you the heads up that there are going to be some big changes. Your whole division is in the cross hairs. I wanted you to know. Nothing is set in stone but you should start .... blah blah blah" He was really nice about it, very sorry etc. 

His timing sucked since I had a huge pitch 30 mins later!

All I could think about was we barely make it on my salary now, what about the kids, the nanny, preschool, clothing, food ... everything!!! 

It's fair to say yesterday was not a great day.

I went to bed with a sleeping pill. 

So glad I did. I had a great nights sleep. I woke up and thought, for the first time in nearly two years I don't have that feeling of dread about going to work, that I'm wasting my talents and working with people I don't respect. That there has to be more to life than this job.  I may not be the kind of person to start my own business but I DO have a new start ahead of me. I have a chance to find a place to work where I feel I'm making a difference, that I'd be proud to talk about and excited by the challenges. I haven't had that in quite some time. 

Also, I put the word out and the response has been amazing. Even if nothing comes of all the leads I am touched by the deep words of support from work friends. 

I have a choice here - sink into worry or live life by pushing forward. I look at my kids and the choice is an easy one. As some grouchy New Yorker must have said " hey, lady, this is the time to grab life by the balls ... what are you waiting for!"

This morning I got the 'official' notice. October 31st is my last day. My whole floor except 4 people are getting laid off. I am struggling with the emotional side of this (MONEY!!!!)  but I am holding onto the expectation of something good happening with both hands and some toes.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

First blood & learning what slides are for

We were at the indoor playground yesterday and Pip was at his favourite place - the little taxi. He loves to spin the wheel and 'drive' mum around town. I yell 'Empire State Building' and he makes the wheel turn.

He got a little over excited and slipped. He bust his lip. He was bleeding. Now, this was not an emergency or even a doctor worthy event but inside I just went to jelly. He was crying and there was blood on his lip. Ohhhhhh my kid is hurt.

We got ice and within moments he was fine and the bleeding had stopped. He wanted 'down' but I couldn't let go. I couldn't put him down! Poor kid was wriggling and doing that little boy slip to the floor thing but I kept pretending to ice his lip all the while hanging on to him for dear life. I kept biting back tears.

I totally over reacted. It may have something to do with AF doing a hormone number on me this month but seriously, get a grip!

Today we went back and he crawled straight back to the taxi. I was so careful with him I didn't notice that Mimi had started to climb up the slide. When she called me to show me how well she can crawl up a slippy metal incline something in me relaxed. I laughed and helped her slide down. She had a moment of divine understanding that sliding down is waaaaay more fun that trying to slide up. I had a moment of understanding it's all OK - really, it's all totally cool.

Just another weekend learning to be a mum with the cutest teachers in the world. But hey, I may be biased.

Friday, September 30, 2011

They called ...

the Early Intervention folks. Now I have to wait for a week or two for the Early Intervention Coordinator to call me back. Why? Yeah, not sure. No-one could tell me.

When the guy was taking the details I felt panicky, like I was going to get involved in something that is big and scary. It doesn't help that my friend is having her kid tested for a gifted abilities. Repeat after yourself - must not compare.

And so we wait,  again.

As it's Jewish New Year (don't ask me to spell it) we studied up on what was supposed to happen and why and had our first Friday Night candle lighting as a family. It's all completely foreign to me and I love it! What a great way to start a weekend together. I loved the blessing of the kids even if I didn't understand a word. I hope my participation doesn't offend anyone but I'm not apologizing either - our family is a mixed up jumble of faith and spirituality but at the heart of it is love. That's all that matters.

Hope everyone has a great weekend and if you are on the East Coast - enjoy the break in the weather!!

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Passing the bottle

New season new look.  I love autumn. I love jeans and socks and sweaters and scarfs and gloves and sunshine and cold, cold, no humidity weather. It's brutal in NYC at the moment with the humidity and rain rain rain. Bugger off you crappy weather!!

I think it breaks tomorrow which will be just amazing.

The kids are a blast at the moment. They are really starting to get that other people exists and can be fun. This morning we were all sitting in a row, they having their bottles and coffee for me. Before Mimi could throw it dramatically on the floor which irritates the crap out of me I said

"Pass your bottle to Pip and he can pass it to me"

It took a little negotiation but she passed her bottle to Pip. There was a little bit left in. He looked at both of us, grinned and downed it! Then he passed me the bottle with a happy "mamamamamama"


Tuesday, September 27, 2011

TRYING to do the right thing

It is harder to get through New York Services for the kids assessment than it was to get a frikkin Green Card. I called the number, got put through to 311 (which seems to be the most useless service we have) and they put my through to a voicemail box. I was told that early assessment is open to children under three at no cost but that they would have to call me back since they were not there. Very logical use of a voicemail message if not useful.

Anyhow, I'm going to speak with the pediatrician yada yada. More when I know more.

Life with the kids rumbles on.

Pip had his first 'time out' - for throwing something at a mum in his music class. He had a strop and she tried to help (poor fool) and he chucked a toy at her. Super nanny put him in timeout coz no matter what the reason we do not throw things at people in strops. It makes me laugh just to think about it.

Mimi is still a creeper not a walker. She will not walk without holding onto something. Last night she had a full on meltdown (probably coz she was over tired) when I tried to walk with her. Had to cuddle her for ages in the rocking chair after that. Oh life is hard :-)

Its mid afternoon and I have to get some air if I am to make it through the day. Or I could go home. Right then, home it is.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

The one where I need to grow a pair.

(Yep, we will take the kids to the early intervention assessment.  Kids come first and instinct is something to listen to! )

This flu has been a god send really. I got to stay home and A (nanny) looked after kids.  I got to sleep - really sleep and had the space to think and sort of regroup.  I was spinning around trying to work full out, be a mum full out and still get to the gym, to the choir etc AND try to please everyone. What is that? That need to try and please? The desire to get everyone to be happy?  I even noticed this when I took the kids to the doctor. I didn't want to upset the doctor.

Grow a pair lady!

Not only do I lack balls I also lack  'reaction time'. When asked to do something that takes me aback, I agree. Then I stew!
What to do?  Maybe I should train myself to say "let me think this over for a moment" or "interesting idea, give me a moment to think it through". Any other helpful phrases out there??

Maybe that way I could avoid paying my nanny to babysit while I go on a 10K run (ha ha ha right, run, yeah) and somehow also end up agreeing to pay her son's entrance fee and take him with me? I'm paying her so I can babysit her son! Clever.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Knocked off my feet

... by the kids cold. It's a doozy. High fever, body aches and queasiness. Luckily I am over the worst and on the mend. Thankfully its a light work week and I have A. taking care of the kids. She is wonderful. Yesterday I was really sick and didn't get out of bed. She went out with the kids to their class but brought home Chicken Soup! Then she stayed extra late to put the kids to bed. Today she brought a remedy form Panama and I swear it has done the trick.

I'm contemplating taking one of my guys to a developmental assessment place. I have no tangible reasons for this (eye contact is fine etc) just a hunch. Our nanny (who's opinion I value) says hell no! it will be on his educational record for ever and it will do him no favor.  Yet, if he needs help, he needs help.

What do you think?

Sunday, September 18, 2011

While listening to the radio.

There was a piece on the radio about donor babies this morning. It was about how the law may change and what implications that has for donor kids. It was so woefully researched though.  I kept yelling "genetic donor, not biological donor" at the radio! I'm the biological mother of these kids not the egg donor. She is the 'egg' donor and according the scientific labeling that makes her the 'gamete' donor.

Bad program research aside it got me thinking.

How would we handle the kids trying to find the donor? The donor kids on the radio spoke about how they wanted to know their biological family: dad, cousins, etc. Somehow, I can see that direct connection with sperm donor but not with egg. When they interviewed an egg donor she was adamant about NOT being found or contacted and it made me relieved. Clearly I'm not as sorted about all this as I thought I was!

Luckily we got great counselling before we started on this journey so we are reading "mummy was your tummy big?" as one of the bed time books and plan to have the conversations early on. We don't have any information about the donor other than health and her records will be destroyed by the time they are old enough to go searching for her. This makes me glad and uneasy at the same time.

Its just something we will have to deal with when the time comes, I guess. 

Tuesday, September 13, 2011


What is going on with my little fella? He has turned into a needy emotional mess overnight. If I leave the room, if I look at his sister, if I talk to his dad or his nanny I get an earful. At first it was endearing; my little boy really into his mum. Now its driving me batty! Give me a break kid.

He does have an infection where he had his MMR injection. I wonder if it hurts him and makes him this little monster? Or is it teething. Or maybe this is who he is.

Have you ever thought about not liking the personality of your kids? I think parents of teenagers would laugh at the question but as a parent to twins I wonder about this. I wonder what life would be like if for some reason I naturally gravitated to one twin over the other. Of course when I ask my twinnie friends about this they laugh. Of course you will gravitate to one twin over the other, they say. Then the next hour it will reverse. This is the course of being a twin mum.

What's your experience with your multiples?

Thursday, September 8, 2011


Last night I had Mimi on the changing table. She didn't look happy. All of a sudden she let out a huge burp and streams of puke came out of her mouth. In between screaming fits puke,  that has forever cured me of my yearnings for cheese sauce,  came flowing. Pip was screaming, I was crying and trying to get Mimi's sodden jimjams off. She was washed and re- jimjamed in no time but I just couldn't put her down. She was fine - after all, she'd puked. I was a mess. In ever sense of the word. 

Apparently Pip had thrown up before I got home. He had had broccoli and some cheese sauce thing. He puked quietly and our nanny didn't notice until she turned around and sew his picking up the undigested pieces of broccoli and popping them back in his mouth! (I love that she told me this, it is a sure sign of her honesty). 

I stayed reading in their room for hours last night. It's cozy and they are there. They make me feel so much better, even after I have cleaned up an enormous pile of regurgitated cheese sauce. 

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Black Smoke

Shite and onions I'm having a depressive episode.  It starts with the same thing - a nagging worry. This time it's about my job. I feel insecure and that is never good. Then I get paranoid or angry.  Then the slow shut down starts. I hate this disease.
On the one hand I had a wonderful week with my kids. Five days of pure mum-ness. I got to know them and they got to know me. We played and romped and laughed and snoozed. But beneath it all I was fighting the bubbling crappiness of a thick black smoke. Winston Churchill called his black dog. It's insidious and ominous.

Having researched depression I know this is a serotonin shift and that as long as I sleep regular hours, eat protein and exercise I will regain my stability thanks to the meds I'm on. To be honest,  I am so glad my kids will not inherit these particular genes. Depression runs rabid through my family and I would protect my kids from feeling like this at all costs.

It's odd how I can feel joy at my kids and depression at the same time.

When I feel like this, I start to imagine life with unending cash: winning the lotto.  I decorate each room and chose the activities we can now afford to do with the kids. I imagine quitting my freakin' job and starting our charity. It may not lift the depressive episode per se but it is a nice way to pass the time. 

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Labor Day our style.

Work sucks so it is with great pleasure I launch into the long weekend with the kids. We don't have family around and DH has to work so the kids and I will hang out and play for two whole days on our own. Our little tribe.

When I used to look after them for the 15 hours or so on Sunday and it would feel like a marathon but now I find it a different kind of tiring - a less debilitating tired. Its more like the tired I get when I work out really hard or run. Physical, I guess, rather than emotional.

The kids are really good fun at this age. They like to play chase, with those diaper clad bottoms waggling in the air. They love anything bouncy (including mum's tummy). When they need to chill we all read a little - me on some meditation mats in their room and the guys, in their cribs,  eating the corner of a book or licking a page.

Ahhh, kid time, bring it on.

Hope you have a wonderful Labour Day, who ever and where ever you are.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011


Well look at that - 50K have visited this page. THANK YOU to everyone that popped in and a very big THANK YOU that let yourself be seen and heard. I love posting (clearly, try stopping me) but I really love reading people's reactions.

This month I am one of the guest bloggers at a multiples blog. I shall be posting every Tuesday. The tone is light and cheerful just in case you didn't want another dose of my self pitying !!

Today, kids are much better. They were very clingy and I was a little too relieved to get to work (!) but all in all I think things will be fine today. I hope Pip warms to the nanny a little. He is very loyal to super nanny.

I am sitting in my office. It is quiet and I have Chopin playing quietly in the background. There are fires and troubles flying into my inbox but I know what they are now. They are events that will pass, one way or another. They are not needy kids, crying kids, insecure kids, hungry kids, bumped and boo-boo'd kids. My heart doesn't lurch or leap as I hear the pings.  This is one of the best things about motherhood. 

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Happy Birthday to me.

Its my birthday. At 4am this morning both kids went ballistic. That was the start of hell day. The nanny didn't get the naps right (she's a stand in for when super nanny returns from vacation) so both kids were out of sorts and really tired when...

...we went for their one year appointment. Oh yes, the one with all the shots.

Holy shyte and lipstick.

Two hours! The appointment took two sodding hours. The kids got shots in both arms and then we had wait and wait and wait for the lab chick to give them the blood test.

Needless to say, two seriously screaming kids sent the stand in nanny into "lets just take them home" mode.  Not frikkin helpful.

Pip doesn't like nanny stand in and screams and cries when she is near him. He just want me. ALL THE TIME.  And boy, can this boy whine ...wwwwwhhhhhiiiinnnnneeee

So, right now, I'm about ready to kill someone or something.

Deep breath.

Happy bleeding birthday to me.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Not got milk

What is the deal with real milk? My guys barely drink 6floz of the stuff during the day. When I googled (oh yes, that wealth of accurate information) everyone was saying 18-24oz per day.

My guys just don't wanna.

What to do?

They do eat lots of yogurt. A couple a day. They are also eating real food  - chicken etc. And they love water. I get to chat to the doctor about it next week at their one year check up but would love your thoughts.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

CIO - no really. I mean it this time.

Last night I got home around 1am from San Fran and walked into the kids room. Fooooooooolish. I went to bed 30 mins later with them still screaming. I lay awake listening to the diminishing cries wondering why on earth I just spent 30 mins trying to shush them to sleep!
It kills me to hear them cry but who am I kidding. Get out of the room and let them sleep. DH zzzzz'd through the whole thing. I love that man.

Since wondernanny is on her annual leave I am on mamma duty which, if truth be told, I am secretly delighted about even if I am exhausted. If they wake up in time we have the amazing music class (trombones, piano's, tasty snack) and then home to get ready for the typhoon or whatever is heading our way.

Question of the week: I need food ideas for the kids. They are 12 months and seemingly eat anything.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Sleep training ... AGAIN

I seem to be always awake these days. If it isn't the kids its the damn cats or the job. I love my cats but it's a good thing they are old. I don't love my job but hey, it pays the bills.

I slept at the hotel for 12 hours. We were both snoring by 9pm!  Oh the sleep was just glorious. I didn't even dream.

Back home now and we have launched into sleep training again. Last night they went down fine but at 3am (or was it 4am?)  Mimi was hollering. I went in and hushed and kissed her but didn't pick her up. She settled down pretty quickly but wouldn't go back to sleep. If I tried to leave the room she would set off again.  Eventually at 5am she woke up Pip and so the day began.

We are all wiped.

I want my sleeping kids back. I want my little kids that yawned and told me it was bed time and stayed there.

Tonight I'm doing the interval thing. YIKES. If a 4am you hear two wailing sounds, a cross between a small animal being tortured and siren - that would be us.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Go the f**k to sleep

If you have itunes and you have the desire - download the book Go the F**k to sleep. It's pretty darn funny.

What is not funny is Mimi waking up and screaming multiple times in the night. What is going on?? I try and soothe her in her crib with binky and bear, which up until now has always worked. Now? Nooooo. I end up rocking her in the chair for an hour.

She has a cold. The weather is funky. She is transitioning off formula. She is starting to walk. She has a sweaty head. What is it????

I get a break tomorrow night tho. My wonderful, dear and beloved friend gave us the best Year 1 present ever. A night in a really great hotel, a massage and breakfast in bed. We can't actually afford to eat diner at the hotel so we are going to the pizza shop over the road!!!
Only one more night to get through before sleep, glorious sleep.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

The no good birthday gift ...

 ... a heavy cold. Thanks to the arse of a parent that brought their petri dish child to my kids first party. Damn my kids are SNOTTY!! Thing 1 & 2 are troupers tho. Last night they had temperatures and aches and the whole kit and caboodle. A few shots of magic English medicine (calpol) and snores for three / four hours at a time.

At 5am they were up again and we played in their room. I was so relieved that they felt better. Since the mornings are darker now it was really cozy what with their little side light on and the radio playing low. Then at 6am they went back to bed to sleep. So did I ... till 10.30am!!! Late for work is an understatement. 

It's funny how something as simple as a cold brings out the anxious nature in me. I worried all night - even when I was asleep. I guess the lack of sleep over the past couple of nights has taken its toll also. Mimi has been up and screaming for hours in the wee hours every night. I finally worked out she was cold.  Mother of the year. Not.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Happy 1st Birthday!!

We did it !!! We all got to through the first year. YIPEEE

We had a lovely party today - cake and coffee and pin the tail on the donkey. DH took so many photo's which I  will try and find and post (there is one at the end of the post...look down... there you go).
We had a Dr Seuss theme which everyone loved - lots of funky food etc. As you can see the kids wore Thing 1 & 2 t-shirts,  which looked so cute.

There were no melt downs or accidents even with my friends kids. It was a great mix of little kids, middle sized and big kids. We even had the UK contingent via Sk.ype (crazy SIL wanted me to break away from the kids party to concentrate on them!).  Great experience and wonderful memories. Who could ask for more?

It was so much fun blowing up balloons, the streamers and the paper plates. Man, having kids means you get to do all this cool kid stuff!  Right now, the kids are wired on cake (they only got a tiny bit but sugar is sugar) and so DH is trying to zen them into submission! Both DH and I are introverts (sorry kids) so after the party DH went to bed and slept for 3 hours!! I cuddled with Mimi while Pip passed out.

Oh, and the kids had real cow's milk at diner time - they both loved it. Wow. We are moving on!!

Thank you all for your support and friendship through this first year. It has made the world of difference.

This photo is Mimi and Pip post birthday chill out ...

Monday, August 8, 2011

Singing, chatting, meowing, worming

Yes, we have the weird kids that learnt to speak cat before human words. Actually Pip can grunt like a pig and Mimi meows but hey, animals it is.

Pip still likes to go around in circles on his bum when not scooting off marine style to some unclassified area of the apartment, like our bedroom or the cats litter box. Mimi took a few little steps but she is a little under confident about the whole stand up and walk thing.

I think Mimi will be the first to actually speak words. I swear she said breakfast this morning but I'm so sleep deprived (due to a neurotic cat) that she probably just burped.

I looked at my kids this morning and thought - right, time to step it up in the fitness front. Yesterday after a marathon baby day (20 hours more or less) I was totally knackered. So tired and achy. So today I took a snow day and went to the gym. I actually ran/stumbles/staggered/walked for about 40 mins. It felt great. Next step is joining a yoga class for flexibility. I feel like we have some active toddlers growing here at home and I need to be ready.

On another note - Mimi has ringworm. The doctor doesn't seem to be bothered at all. It sounds so Victorian. Ringworm! Anyone else out there been down this road?? 

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Award time...

Sprogblogger (or Sproggie as I fondly think of her) gave a few of us a bloggie award which I LOVE getting coz my ego is clearly crappy!


The rules are the name 7 random things about oneself and nominate 7 bloggers.


7 bloggers that I think are bloggers with substance (I could name many more):
Best when used +1 (
Losing Kara  (
Barren Babe (
As good as it gets (
Eggs OOT
Mama Bird (
Art of Being IF (

What I admire about these bloggers is the level of skill in expressing themselves, even when discussing really hard personal topics. They manage to create an emotional landscape that is rich and fascinating without being self pitying or overly dramatic.

Alrighty - 7 random things about me.
1. I have massive voice range. Bottom A to top E (doesn't sound good but its big)
2. I've read over 1000 plays. When I was a kid I wanted to be an actor or director and would read plays all the time.
3. I can sit on my heels but not touch my toes.
4. I'm funny but can't tell a joke
5. I'm afraid of the dark but need it to sleep!
6. Hopelessly disorganised - I have about five notebooks on the go at any one time and if I put something down I lose it
7. I read people magazine at the hairdresser the other day and didn't one single celeb in there. 

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Feckin' update

I called the stroller company (thanks Kathy!) and all is well. It was a break thingy and a roller disk whachyamacallit and now we have a smooth running stroller. Whoop!

I was really worried we would have to buy something or replace something coz you know it would end up costing hundreds of dollars. But - crisis averted.

I haven't bought anything for the kids in ages. It seems to have slowed down. Or maybe its because they have a birthday coming up and I assume we shall get swag from that? My dear friend has given us a great birthday present for the kids - a night in a swanky downtown hotel for the parents! I cannot wait since Mimi is having sleeping problems (this after boasting on that my kids don't have sleep problems).

I wonder if she has started dreaming? It could also be that we are weaning her off a 9pm bottle. Pip hasn't had the late bottle for ages but she seems to wake up hungry in the night (or that's the only reason I can think of).  Mind you, she doesn't drink the whole bottle so I am just making the shyte up.

Any ideas dear readers?

Did your kids every have a 11 month, 12 month sleep pattern change?

Monday, August 1, 2011

Wobbly Wheels

For fecks sake. I spent more on the stroller than any other piece of monkey business and the feckking thing has a wobble wheel that looks like its going to drop off.

Feck feck feck feckity feck

Reason to be irritated beyond belief
1. the thing is expensive and you 'get what you pay for' apparently so I paid a lot for crapped out wheel mechanism
2. The place we bought from can take our money and run and there is nothing I can do about it
3. See 2
4. I am married to a photographer. If it doesn't take a photo he cannot fix it.
5. I am not handy but will have to attempt to fix it
6. Well, I'm lazy so I just can't have more shyte on my to do list.

I am do lazy I can't be bothered to write any more on the list!

We have a Baby Jogger City Select Double. Any trouble shooting advice more than welcome. From anyone. Even if you don't have a stroller. Or kids.

feckin wobbly wheel is the big one at the back

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Drive by posting

Still insanely busy but I wanted to think out loud about something that just happened.

Last night I arrived back from my latest trip to San Francisco.  I was so excited to see the kids I was almost screaming at the plane to fly faster.  Pip and Mimi were engrossed in their Bab/y Einstei.n, sitting in their new chairs,  little feet tapping to the music. As is my usual MO I quickly sit in the rocker and DH picks up the kids and places them on me for a 'double cuddle' or 'maximum mum time'. Oh man, they had just had their bath and had that great baby smell.  I'm usually in seventh heaven at this point but for some reason I became overwhelmed with a profoundly sad sense. I hid my face and the tears fell.

What was that about??

It was such a freaky reaction.

Any ideas? Anyone else had that happen?

Saturday, July 23, 2011

DH done good

I am not drunk.

I love my DH. Remember project 'grow the fuck up'? Well, mission accomplished. No really.. accomplished.

He has been working on being a dad and I am amazed at his transformation. He just spent the day looking after the kids and they were fed, bottled, bathed and in bed by 6.30pm. He plays with them and they squeal with laughter. They cry and he soothes them. He got me iced tea coz he knew I'd be hot and bothered by the time I got home. He did the washing, cleaned up the kitchen... well, you get the message.

I am so frikkin proud to stand by his side. I am so very proud. 

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Well this should be interesting

I sent out the invites to friends and 'family' for the kids first birthday (holy crap, we have kids that are turning one!) ordered and got delivered the themed birthday crap that comes with having kids and even organised the UK contingent for a skype birthday inclusion.

Then I got my travel schedule for next month.

I am in San Francisco for well, basically most of it. Three trips to SF over the course of 3 weeks. One of the trips is for the whole week leading up to the kids birthday.

I'm so the women that asks the nanny to get her kids first birthday organised. Feel like Merryl Streep in Devil Wears Prada. Or Mommie Dearest.

Why do I feel so guilty? Its not like I'm at the spa for the week. Oh, this sucks.

What did you do for 1st birthdays and what advice can you offer, what should I look out for????

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Motherhood changed me

How much I have changed!  I used to be a people pleaser now, some would call me a total bitch now!! On a call with a rude colleague I held my tongue for as long as I could and then told her to stop interrupting me. Doesn't sound like a big thing but I did not use dulcet tones.

I guess being totally freaked out about the responsibility of being a mother all else fades into insignificance ... work and the outside world,  just doesn't matter as much. I don't care what my work world thinks of me anymore.

I really like this new confidence!

What is your wish today? Mine is that I had a time stopper: press the button and everything stops so I could sleep - 12 long uninterrupted hours.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

One stone

In the UK we weigh ourselves in stones (14 pounds). I have lost my first stone. Oh it feels good. I'm amazed that I've been able to do it. Every night this week I've been a mess. 16 hour days and too much pressure and kids and ahhhh. Boom. Splat.

Ah whatever, I've an easier week coming up.

Little man is trying to stand up and walk but it may take some time. He just seems to be a bit floppy. Little babe is blossoming into a toddler full speed, she's freakin' fearless. I may be biased but damn they are a whole lotta lovely kids. Mimi and I played ball yesterday - actual interaction.

It's all getting a bit scary - we have kids. You know, that need to learn stuff and do stuff and grow up. How is everyone else so calm about all this????

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Dreamin' of beaches

I am totally wiped. I would like to say I have been so busy doing fun summer stuff but I'm afraid its all work. Out of control totally out of freakin' control. I am hoping it is all in a great cause.

We can't afford an actual vacation. Which totally SUCKS. But I thought I'd invite some dreaming. If you could go and do anything what would it be?

Me? I would go to an island with family and friends and sleep. A beachside cabana with everyone I love around me so I don't miss another moment with my kids or husband.

Your turn.

Friday, July 8, 2011

well look who turned up

AF has decided to make an appearance. I dug out my EPT's not long ago once I realized that I was waaaaaaay late on the old monthly. My friend told me how she secretly hopes for a surprise pregnancy each month coz she wants another little one. I do NOT. I know, sounds harsh but damn having twins is hard.

Until today everyone told me it gets easier. Now I am being told some things do. Others, not so much. Where the fuck did this come from!!!! Nearly a year of " oh the first year is the hardest, just grin and bear it' and now " oh when they get older, oh boy, the fighting!!!".

TGIF my friends, TGIF

Monday, July 4, 2011

Toot Toot

That's my horn - I am tooting and damn I'm proud.
Now, tooting my own horn will probably incur the wrath of some British secret tooting society (that in of itself could be a really good blog) however, I am mum here me  TOOT ... loudly!

"Why? What's the deal with the tooting" I hear the hoards of readers out there asking???

Today is the second day where I have been flying totally solo with both kids. They are in the "hey, I can crawl so point me in the direction of the nearest deadliest outlet and I'll be on my merry way thanks mom" which means when they play*   I'm dripping with sweat from all the lunging and lifting and placing and diving and ... well you get the gist. I used to work out nearly everyday before kids and these past two days have been way harder than any namby pamby weightlifting session.

Normally this type of 'free play' is done in a kids play gym which is huge and great fun for all us coz I know its safe and they know where all the cool toys are. However, the sadists at the play gym decided that they should close from Friday to Tuesday. Whaaaa!

So, today I accomplished the following with no help from no-one no way...

The kids got 3 real meals
4-ish bottles
Two walks and two parks
Two 'free play' sessions in 2 different locations in the apartment
Kids were bathed, twice (lasagna is NOT my friend)
Stratically  sleep deprived both kids (little afternoon nap) so they will pass out without too much WAAAAAAAA -ing.
I made a beef in ginger thing from scratch for diner tonight
Ran all the bottles through the dishwasher to give the a big clean
Ran all the cooking crap through the dishwasher and put most of it away
The kitchen, living room and kids bedroom are all clean and ... OK not tidy exactly but you know...
I'm putting the amazing garlic bread in at 7pm in time for the return of my DH from work so we can eat, watch the fireworks and pretend he didn't have to work on a national holiday again.
Coffee machine is self cleaning coz my coffee tasted like ASS this morning
and best of all...

if the kids do pass out soon I may even get a bubble bath.

The best independence day EVER.

Happy 4th to one and all.

 *(ref: torture mom: English language dictionary 1973)

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Happy July 4th Terrible Two's

So, how is that my little girl that is pretty average on most milestones so far (and I have no problem with that let me assure you) is suddenly in the terrible 2's and she only 10 months old?????

She is screaming and yodeling when she doesn't get her way. HAS to be carried everywhere - my arms are looking like Arnies at the moment - and getting her to go to sleep is like a UN peace negotiation. It's exhausting!

My dear friend has invited us over for lunch today and she decided not to have kids. She's also in her 60's. She is also a real estate broker (ex writer) with what sounds like a wonderful apartment just primed for total freakin' destruction by my monsters. I am praying for a thunder storm so we cancel. Poor women. I should take alcohol. Lots of it.

Please, take pity and give me any assvice, ideas etc for helping control or minimize the damage with my screaming terror of a tot. 

Thursday, June 30, 2011

monkey madness

Mimi wants her mamma. And when she gets her mamma she clings on like a little monkey. She also tries to climb up mamma but that is less cute due to the inflammation from her intestines.

I researched separation anxiety and I think we have a classic case of it. From what I read, I should be annoyed and over it but I love it. LOVE IT. Yes, clearly, I am desperate for the love of my kids!!!

DH and I are both home 'sick'. I'm either catching up on months of sleep or I have narcolepsy. DH has a sore throat. I kid you not.

What you all up to for July 4th? Someone with a life please tell me what you're up to so I can live vicariously through you. 

Monday, June 27, 2011

On the mend round the bend

Holy crap this being sick with sick kids in two is hard. I had to ask my fella to come home from work to help out.



And it's sticky, really really sticky.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Plague and pestulance

Well, bloody nora, we've all been hit!!!

I have an infected intestine - or something like that. Something "very unusual" according to the hospital doctor. I've had severe side pain for a few days and for the first time in three years I went to see my general doctor. I said "Oh I think its a UTI". She did a few tests and sent me for a CT scan and blood work "STAT". OK not a UTI. No-one would tell me anything other than 'drink this foul goop' and 'well done, here's your second bottle of foul goop'. Four hours later I get home and my doctor phoned with the good new/bad news call. Good news not a big problem bad news no treatment except rest and hydration.

Ha ha ha ha. Rest!! How exactly when coz ...

... Pip has a stinking head cold. I'm somewhat concerned coz his usual crystal clear snot is yellow and man oh man is there a lot of it. He's getting the wonderful Cal.pol but his nose is soooo stuffy. I know yellow means infection so our wonderful nanny that used to be a Physicians Aid gave me strict instructions about hydration, feeding, sleep, snot retrieval and watching for fevers/rashes etc when to go to the ER STAT!

Mimi is sneezing like a pepper mill worker so I expect her to join in the sick fest anytime now

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Was I naughty or nice last weekend?

Well of course I was nice. After all, when he does make the effort DH is excellent. So I gave him a spa morning at a fancy dancy spa in SOHO which caters to the frazzled dads in NYC for next Friday. We are then going to the movies at the actual cinema. I got the kids to 'sign' a card for him (ahh). We had sushi and ice cream to celebrate (not on the same day).

Pip decided Father's Day was a great day to stand up (holding on to mum) and start commando crawling. Boy can that little fella get around. Mimi is almost standing and both of them are communicating like mad. No idea what they are saying but who cares. It's amazing how their personalities are coming through. Pip is turning into quite the cutie pie and Mimi, well lets say I see supermarket meltdowns in my future.

All told, DH was very pleased.

My big guy has changed over the past few weeks in a very positive way. I think hearing what people think of him (negative) and experiencing the joy of actually fulfilling his role as dad and partner (positive) has helped him course correct. He is into the kids, makes them fall around laughing, changes nappies and whatnot.  Still doesn't 'do' the routine but I am confident he will get there. On Friday night he put Mimi's nappy on but it wasn't tucked out at the legs. I was making diner and I heard her screaming. I go in and she is covered in poo. As is her cage, I mean crib, bedding, toys and her precious Gem Gem (lovie, not the cat). DH was amazing. He went straight in like a cross between and the Mr Muscles guy on the cleaning bottle.

Holy poop B-Man!!!!

Friday, June 17, 2011

Fathers Day .... bwahhahahahaha

I know. It's only fair that there is a day that's celebrates your holy-ness. However, indulge me. Included for your review are just some top line ideas about why Father's Day sticks in my craw. 

  • I got up this morning and you had tried to feed the kids peas and brown rice for breakfast before they threw it all over the floor in protest. 
  • I had to clean up brown rice and peas this morning
  • I  found my silk t-shirts that I wear for work in the dryer. Mimi will look FABULOUS.
  • You never, NEVER get up in the night to look after the kids and yet ...  always tell me how tired you are.
  • What is with dumping all the pillows on my side of the bed? Why do you DO that?
  • Stop putting empty cartons back in the fridge or so help me... 
  • Emptying the dishwasher and putting the dishes away are all part of the same thing, not separate chores. 
  • Ditto on the washing up
  • You seem to have invented the opposite to warp speed when getting through a list of 'to do's
  • Are you deaf? 

And finally ...  you're not Vincent D'onofrio. Yeah, I KNOW!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Short Fuse

I really wanted to stop one of my kids crying last night. They were screaming and not stopping. Oh I was so frustrated with them (kind of shocked me actually). I was soon in the rocker with them, cuddling them back to sleep and feeling so full of love for them.  But the annoyance before we got to the rocker was just a bit too much, a bit too ... intense.

Not sure where to take this. Maybe it's human nature?  Maybe we have a switch that goes on when we skirt too close to the edge and the anger is turned into love? Maybe I should accept that parenting is frustrating and annoying sometimes but that I will not hurt my kids because of the reaction I'm having to last night? Or, says a small voice in my head, this is a red flag.

I think I need to reconnect with some sense of peace of mind or calm.  I need to let go of some of the worry I'm carrying around.  What to do. I'm clearly spooked by last night.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Playing hookeeeeeeeeeeeee

Not only was it not raining or humid today and not only was my 8am meeting cancelled but best of all... I played hooky and went to my kids music class today.

Its held in a church hall that's a throw back and I LOVE it. It smells of my childhood back in the UK - old dusty church hall with a rickety stage,  I can't believe it is in the middle of NYC.  The music class is the least expensive one in the city and the guy running it's such a love. He plays the piano, french horn, guitar and he lets the kids (even mine) touch all the musical instruments.  I let them sit on their own to encourage independence for a little while till I just had to join in! There I was in full work outfit rocking out and shaking my eggs (the toy kind), kissing them every other beat or so. It would seem I am a smushy helicopter mum!

And here they snapped in a moment of calm ...

We're slowly trying real foods so after this class we had homemade vanilla yogurt, blueberries, banana and oatmeal whizzed up. YUM!! 

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Oh dear

I gained a pound. +1. Ah well. In some circles that means 'to like' (digital language).  Not in my world. In my world it means I need to move my fat arse more and eat more fruit and less weight wa.tchers ice cream even if they are low in calories.
You know, every time I eat low calorie things I gain weight. Odd that.

Pip and Mimi are moving on to real food. Watermelon, yogurt, banana, pasta etc. If the chunk is too big Pip projectile vomits which comes as a surprise and is upsetting for the poor kid.

I am really scared of the food thing. I am scared of giving them food they aren't supposed to have or not giving enough or choking or poop issues. I never knew I was such a fearful person until I had kids!

Any advice on moving to real food is most welcome. 

Tuesday, June 7, 2011


I need help.

I live in a building where we have maintenance guys. I really like them even tho, yes, they can be ... short of words. There is only one guy that gets the cleaning jobs and he happens to be the nicest of them all.

I got in the elevator and he was there. We chatted for a while and he got out. There was a short fat sweaty resident in the elevator with us. He tutted and snorted and said "He should use the service elevator"


What a jack ass. It's the middle of the day in the middle of a work week - who the fuck cares.

And did I say anything? Did I defend my mate? No, I think I blushed with anger and shook my head. I think I may have tutted at the guy. Ohhh tutted. Am I force to be reckoned with or what!

HELP ME WITH SOME ONE LINERS!!!!! Help me with come backs and quick responses so I don't feel like such a bloody doormat. 

Monday, June 6, 2011

Say Cheese. If it isn't too much trouble.

So this weekend we took the kids to a  street/park party type of thing sponsored by the amazingly expensive kids services in the city. We can't afford the $1000 joining fee for the baby gym but we'll take your free shite any day.

Anyhow - I was pushing the stroller and stopped to pull the hoods of the stroller seat back (sun protection that was sadly not needed). A Time Ou.t photographer looked over at Mimi. She walked over and snapped her photo and then walked away.


She made no effort to engage me (mama bear) or ask for permission. She was wearing a badge that said "official TO photographer".

For a professional photographer to snap and not ask permission is disgraceful. I mean its not like we like in a nice friendly little town - this NYC for crying out loud. Did I say or do anything? Of course not, I was too dazed.

 I need to sharpen up when it comes to the protecting the kids. I am way to English about the whole thing.

Now off I toddle to write a strongly worded note to the editors of Tim.e.Ou.t Kids.

Thursday, June 2, 2011


What is with the runny noses people?? Both kids have classic 'snotty' kid noses.  I read that the medical community don't believe they are a sign of teething but that every mum under the sun seems to disagree!

Certainly both my little cherubs are gaining more gnashers. Mimi has three or four on the bottom and two big ones just peeking through on top. More or less the same with Pip.

I do find the attack of the baby vampires funny, in a slimy painful way. If you get too close to Mimi and her teeth are giving her bother, oh boy watch out. Elmo lost an arm yesterday.
Pip doesn't attack as much but does wail and gnash. He sort of sucks his lips over his teeth and moans. Sort of like a tiny little dirty old man.

Does this teething thing go on for long?

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Family loss and gains.

The national holidays are tough. We have no 'real' family around to celebrate with. My DH's remaining family (a very distant uncle) lives in the CA and of course, my folks are in the UK. We had a lovely time (till I got food poisoning!) but all the same the folks we visit are 'fitting us in' to their family packed weekend.

I can see it in my DH's face, the feeling of loss. He misses his mum even tho she died twenty years ago. He was only 25 at the time and it was a totally unexpected. The day she died he went to his mum's house, climbed into her bed and stayed there for quite some time. On the holiday weekends I can see that immense sadness just behind his eyes. He looks at the kids and there are tears in his eyes. When they are crying and we are tired, I see him wish for a grandparent to come and take up the strain, to tell him that he's doing OK and it will all be fine.
His dad died about ten years ago. Although they lived close to one another in those final years, his father was very distant. I can't write too much about him because I'm too angry at his treatment of Dh.

Of course, Pip and Mimi are filling his heart more and more everyday. Mimi crawled forwards this weekend and he acted like she just learnt to write Russian! Pip just loves his dad. They make faces and farting noises all day long. My boys.

I hope that one day, his love and our love and the kids love will temper the depth of loss of his parents. Unlock it and help it fade. I doubt it though. I think grief is something we build on, not disassemble. 

Saturday, May 28, 2011


Go on, ask me. Ask me how much weight  I lost this week.

4.6 pounds.


So, in two weeks I have lost 9 pounds. I'm like the cat that got the strawberry's and cream.

Hope you are having a great Memorial Day weekend.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Germ warfare

Mimi has the cold now. She is snuffling and whimpering and wiping her nose on me every chance she gets. So lovely. So not getting any sleep again.

I have used it to my advantage tho. There was a big work pow wow and everyone that has been a dick to me over the past year got a kiss on the cheek. Not only is it dreadfully passive aggressive it's also a fine way to spread Mimi germs. Ha! Take that,  dicko's!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Sleep Yoga

Little boy has a cold. Sunday night was brutal with the hourly screaming festival - think of a sadistic cookoo clock and a heart broken mamma and that was Sunday night.  Of course, I had to work on Monday and barely made it through the day (5 strong coffee's helped) and then to bed at 8ish. Is there anything as sweet as getting into bed when you are totally knackered. I looked at the clock in the middle of the night and it read 4.37am and I was almost in tears thinking 'made it'.

Mimi is really a 'zen' sleeper. She starts on her back, then curls around and draws Gem (teddy) to her and as the night progresses she does this 'bum in the air' thing that makes me melt.

Pip however curls, sprawls and everything in between. He does sleep yoga!! I was thinking that we should write a little story about it - pretend 'how to' or self help book.

What are you all doing for Memorial weekend? What is there to do with infants in NY? Any ideas?

Sunday, May 22, 2011

My first 5K... our first 5K

We sped past the finish line in a staggering 27.59mins... oh wait I mean 59. 27mins!!!! There were tons of people and try as I might, a double stroller gets you stuck in the slow as crap lane. You know what - I loved it. I found a couple of friends that were walking and we spent most of the time cracking up. I did a slow jog home which gave me a mile or so work out. 

What a blast.
I have a race bib!!! Me!!! My kids have a mum with a race bib. 

Mimi and Pip were amazing. They slept most of the way around and although we have major teething today no screaming or unhappiness. 

So, we did our first 5K. Next weekend we are going to do the course again but without the sea of people. I would like to know what its like to actually you know, run the course! 

Saturday, May 21, 2011

A for effort

I lost 4.4 lb's this week. Did I go to the gym every day? No. But I went and that's all that counts. I shall try harder this week.

Mimi can clap. Rock on little girl (oh and she loves to sing).

Pip laughs his head off when we play patter cake together.

Both kids went in the big bath and loved it

We got free ice cream today and since I am the only one that can eat it - I got lots o' ice cream. Bonus.

Mimi slept didn't wake up night (Pip didn't but hey, one baby is a cake walk in comparison two in the middle of the night).

DH managed to contribute this week. Oh yes, there has to be a parade in his honor and a national day of rest but at least he is stepping up.

Tomorrow the kids and I walk a 5K. My kids first real athletic activity with mummy (OK they are in the stroller but they are doing their bit!!).

At the library celebrations today (its the main library centennial) we got a lovely notebook. We decided every night we shall write a little note to the kids so they can read it when they are older.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Sleep regression & family progression

Thank goodness! I was getting way to used to sleeping through the night. So far the screaming peaks at 9pm, 12am, 3am, 4am. Then up and fed at 5am. Play, grumble, poo, groan, lay down, scream, play, grumble ... you get the picture. In stereo. With surround sound. 

Added to sleep deprivation a raging case of  PMS and I am one mean motherfukka. Must find my zen place. So far I have used 12 of my daily points just on coffee !!


I got help this morning... from DH at 5am.  I was at my wits end,  walked into the bedroom, got into bed and said " you need to take over, I haven't slept. They are fed but teething"

then he was LOVELY to me when I got up 90 mins later. 

Then he sent me some lovely texts. 


Date night tonight. He might just get lucky, if I can stay awake long enough 

Wednesday, May 18, 2011


After hitting 'Publish Post' yesterday I almost changed my mind and deleted the post. So glad I didn't. Your words were very, very helpful.

When I saw my DH last night I felt so guilty about the post. I also felt love.

We did talk. Actually I talked and I think he may have heard some of it. I'd come to the realization that he has to shatter parts of his personality in order to make the changes he needs to make. The fact that I want him to change pains me but not enough for me to accept those parts of him.

I was a little teary through the discussion. I remember saying "what's most painful is the realization that you don't look after me". He looked so confused, shocked and resigned.  Then he fell asleep! He does that. When there is an emotional pow wow he falls asleep.

A little later he asked if I felt better to have talked about how I feel, which I know means he didn't get all this. He thinks I'm upset and it'll pass. He doesn't hear like most people. It'll have to be said again and again and each time it'll be painful.

One thing I know. I love him and he loves me. We love our kids. If this is it, if this is as good as it gets ... it's not perfect but being loved is immense.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

ashamed and hurting.

Over the past month or so at least three women friends told me they would've divorced my husband if they were married to him and another set have said the don't know 'how I put up with it'.

It's all about his lack of empathy and laziness.

I thought I could hide it. I thought I could weave a story around our family so people believed that he did his bit but it was in the wings, in the background, you just didn't see it.

Well it seems that's not possible.

So here I am. My marriage is seen as 'bad'.  More to the point my husband is seen as 'selfish and lazy' and I am seen as a fool for putting up with it.

My DH is trying to change. But its clear he has no sense of his role in all this. He thinks if he picks up a feeding here and there everyone will shut up. He talks about all this in terms of 'us' dealing with the challenge of babies. He's totally missing the point.

I wonder if, when we talk about this next, I just tell him the untarnished truth. This is how people see you. This is what they say and this is how I feel about it all. I'm ashamed of you. I'm grateful that you are making an effort but I need you to see the whole picture and treat the disease not the symptom.

Ugh.  Can you believe that! I'm ashamed of my husband.

This is a very, very sad place to be.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Day 3 peepaloozi

I had a nightmare weekend with both twins teething which means they got up at 2am and screamed for about 24hours. However, despite sleep deprivation and ear splitting annoying screams (I know, they're in pain yada yada) I did not deviate from my WW plan. I ate within my plan even tho DH brought home a chocolate cake.

And then...

This morning I went to gym from 6 - 645am.

I haven't stopped peeing. I mean PEEING!!

Ironically I had a meeting with my psychopharmacologist today as well. She gave me Am.bien so I could get to sleep really quickly. And she told me DH has to do more. I like her :-)

 I've noticed that Pip's personality is coming through a bit more. He is a really caring little boy. If the teddy get dropped he comforts it!

I feel so great about all of the above. I feel like today was a great day. One day at a time seems to be the lesson here.

I have to go and see why Mimi is screaming with laughter ...