Saturday, October 31, 2009


I have a few moments before i have to climb into my parade costume.
weigh in day - up 1.6 pounds. I don't care. I know I am following the program, exercising etc. its just EL weight.

BWUB has found out the gender of her little peanut. CONGRATULATIONS BWUB! What with K and you and I having a ball with this pregnancy lark for the first time in years.

Hope you all have a spooky and scream-filled Halloween.

Friday, October 30, 2009


Seems like lots of us are in a funk these days. Wonder if we should all agree to smile at a certain time everyday. Like at 4pm (CST) we all agree to think of a really big smile. I found that if I think of a smile - I smile. Or I think of a really deep belly laugh I chuckle (especially if I think of my nephew being ticked by his dad and him laughing/shouting "no daddy, no daddy). It won't change our situation but it might change our disposition. We could call it 'FU-IF' time.

Cycle news: My weight has started going up. I am now 5 pounds heavier (after one week on L.upron). I have eaten a whopping 1800 calories a day and worked out for 6 hours so far. Ah well. I know its water weight. My face is swollen and my stomach is swollen (my tights leave funny lines on my belly)
Even tho I hate seeing my weight go up I shall weigh in at WW tomorrow and for my trip to the UK next week I have ordered my mother NOT buy cakes, chocolate etc. I know I shall indulge but I think the evil Lu.pron side fx will help me stay focused. We are staying at a hotel with a gym and pool so I shall work out each night. I am really looking forward to being away - away from the fridge that has the left over drugs in it, away from the calender of failure and frustration, away from the streets that lead to one specialist or another.

Have a great weekend all.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

"I'm not afraid"

I just spoke with my 5 year old nephew. I told him I would be over for Bonfire night (a bit like 4th July but wetter) since he was afraid of the 'bangs' (fireworks). "I'm not afraid" he said. "Not anymore". I could just see his face; eyebrows knitted, eyeballs blazing, mouth puckered. He is afraid. He is freakin' terrified but he is also 5, a boy and a great kid.

It made me realise that whilst life this past year has been a bit of an uphill battle, it has been nothing like trying to be 5 years old. So complicated, so confusing and so often, frightening. If my nephew can deal with the scariest night of the year, I can get through this next 3 months with a better attitude.

So, in the tradition of DE #1 - the wag is back!!!!! (I saw a bumper sticker that suggested we 'bark less, wag more'.)

I know my depression is more chemical than psychological (I researched L/upron Depot - oh boy!!) which means that whilst I cannot control it I can re frame my relationship to it. I am not depressed, my chemicals are. I have gone to the gym three times this week for a total of 6 hours (today was a killer) and I am trying to stick to my points. Lu/pron Depot can raise ones weight up to 15 pounds so I am being vigilant about what I eat (already up 3 pounds from when I got the injection). Lots of fiber and low sodium stuff.

It's a struggle and it sometimes feels hollow but, fuck it, this is my life and I will not be the victim. If this cycle works - doozy. If not, I will know we did everything humanly possible to have/ carry a biological child. I am already excited that somewhere out there my kids are waiting. We chatted yesterday about taking the newly adopted kids to Latvia next Christmas to see Papa Noel. My mum wants to meet us there with my 5 year old nephew.

Sounds like a plan.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Wetter than an otters armpit

STOP RAINING!! I expect to see Noah in his ark sailing down Madison Ave.

Last night DH told me some deep and kind of hard to listen to stuff. It was stuff about how he felt and feels for me. The good news he is more in love with me now than when we got married. Yes, you read that right. But if I am being honest, the same is true for me also. We got married after knowing each other for a year. I was excited about our relationship when we wed but what I felt then and what I feel now... no comparison. I had no idea who he was, not really. He never complains. He always supports. He drives me NUTS coz he doesn't listen. He is so creative it's astounding. Kind of an odd discussion but really good to get it all out in the open.

I wanted to take a moment to congratulate K. She has done it and done it in a big way. Triplets. I am so happy that you have been successful I can't tell you. It is such a wonderful feeling when one of us actually gets the break. Triplets. Holy crap, women!!!! I wish I could give you a big hug. Please post about everything!!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

it's normal I guess

I told my support group last night how up and down I feel lately. Felling OK one moment then the next deep in the clutches of doom and gloom. Everyone said the same thing - its normal, of course, don't worry it'll pass.

And I guess they are right.

But I have to tell you, its hard right now. The little things send my anxiety into orbit. An unexpected bill, a look from DH, a sentence in the novel I might be reading. Then I have moments where I think that the end is in sight, one way or another. By January we will be done with trying to get pregnant. We can move on.

I guess this is what depression is. A constant state of emotional suppression with little peaks of relief.

Whatever it is, it totally blows.

I have faith that it will lessen with time. I have faith that we will survive this as a couple and even may be stronger in our life together. It is, in some masochistic nightmarish way, good for me to go through this. I guess.


Monday, October 26, 2009


I felt so much better after having the conversation with DH. He is so worried about all the money we are spending on IF. I get it, I do. The good news is I have some money saved and some insurance money we can put against this last DE try. It will bring the actual costs right down.

It is a glorious autumn day today. I love days like these. They remind me of why I came to the US in the first place. I love weather. Hot, sunny, cold, snowy. Just can't stand rain (hey I grew up in the UK, can you blame me!). According to the farmers almanac it is supposed to be a very snowy winter. Hope so. It's still too early to see myself preggers this winter. Maybe that will come later.

My mother has yet another IF suggestion. This time it is based on not eating wheat, drinking coffee, no sugar, etc... Yeah ok, Ma. Haven't told her that we have given up on my eggs. I have told her that we are trying another IVF in December "one last try" so I should expect mucho suggestions. She has no faith in western medicine and all faith in anything remotely alternative. I don't blame her, she has had some horrendous experiences with the docs, particularly around pregnancy and childbirth. Needless to say I listen and contemplate. If we do get preggers then I shall say that I followed her advice.

On Saturday I am in the Parade. My costume - well I think it is a zombie sea creature.I have a black shift dress covered in sparkle with purple gloves and a hat with white flower things. My make up is purple and gold I believe. No idea where this comes from or what it means - I am there as my DH camera assistant. He has a rather snazzy dress and a very long green hat that is so phallic I chocked on my tea when he first put it on. I mean VERY phallic. VERY VERY phallic.

Oh the irony.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Confusion - update.

Had a great lunch with DH. All is well. He is tired and worried about money. I am tired and worried about spending money and not getting pregnant. So then I realized - if it doesn't work? We move on. We save and move on.
All is well.

My DH and I have had an enormous misunderstanding. He thought we were taking a month off and then deciding which route to go down. I thought we had agreed to do the prep work with Dr J etc.

How did this happen? Not sure. We were in the couples session and the therapist laid out a plan. I thought we had agreed to do it, my DH thought we had agreed to think about it. Since I have seen the couples therapist for a solo session since and we spoke about the plan, it seems that the couples therapist also thought we had agreed to 'do' the plan.

We talked it through last night. He is worried about money and also about me taking a month of for emotional recovery time. It made me cry and depressed again so maybe he has a point but how the hell did this happen?? I have been speaking about yesterday's appointment with him for two weeks, going on about dates etc. What did he think was going on? It made me want to walk away from everything, every option, every situation, every moment. For the first time in years, I cried in public, on a crowded subway no less. Totally humiliating.

We tried to enjoy the evening but there was tension between us. It was very stressful. I kept saying things like " Its great that we get to concentrate on something other than IVF" trying to make him feel like we were NOT doing a cycle. I said " you're not involved till late December" and he said "I can't take time off work in December" meaning he couldn't take time off work to do the sample on retrieval day. He is under a ton of pressure right now, with the trip to Haiti getting ever closer. I know he is really worried about it. I guess we are both feeling its all a bit much.

If this cycle doesn't work I can't imagine the toll it will take on our marriage.

Oh why couldn't I just get pregnant like a normal person. Why do we have to go through all this crap.

OK, I need to think my way out of this funk. I earn enough to replenish the coppers quickly. If this doesn't work we will take a nice long break since adoption takes so long and we can decide what we want to do. We can plan some great expeditions - we have a project in Patagonia that we could do in the winter and a trip to Mongolia we could organize for June. We will know by January what our lot is and we can move on to either outcome quickly.

I hate IF.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

And we are off....

I had my appointment with Dr J. today. We looked through donor profiles. Yes we did. We looked through donor profiles. I picked a handful of possibles and she will follow up with them. Yes, just like that.

Then I had a lu.pron shot. Want to know when my next shot is? in 3 weeks. yeeeeeeeeehhhhhaaaaaaaaaa!!

I see her in 3 weeks for my second shot. Then I see her on a few Saturday mornings. I am having a biopsy just before my lu.pron period then .... we cycle.


This is so NOT Corn.el, which I am liking and reeling. I am going with it. Taking a deep breath and trusting. I am a bit er... shell shocked. And excited.

And I am getting very excited about adoption. I have been filling in forms and looking over country options.

(Anyone watch Modern Family. It is so funny. I lmao every episode. And I am so glad we have no family! )

Friday, October 23, 2009

Ahhh Friday

Lovely lovely Friday. I just love it. It's like Christmas Eve every week. I even get to work from home today - hahahahahaha. Love it.

I went to WW to weigh in today since I am going to see Dr J. tomorrow morning. Down over 2 pounds. Yipee.

I am feeling much better today. Today, I can get through my work quickly and then I am going to the gym. I have two hours of trainer today (JOY!!) which means three hours of moving my body and flooding my system with healthy ions and all that. I love doing these marathon sessions at the gym. Physical movement is my natural anti-depression.

I already feel different. It might work. This cycle might work. And if it doesn't we have some great options. So happy to be in this frame of mind!! This time next year, we may well be planning our first Thanksgiving with our new family.

Here is a funny thing. For the past year, going into a cycle, I have 'grounded' myself. I delegated all travel since the hospital took center stage. This time, not so much. I have a ton of travel (to Europe and San Fran - how about that cup of tea guys) and I will speak with Dr J about what is needed for the cycle. If I need blood work I shall go to a local clinic and get them to phone or fax the results. The transfer could be a few days before Christmas Day. Oddly enough, December 22nd is one of my favourite dates in the calender. Its the date, when I was a kid, that we would put on a pantomime in the local church to raise money for a kids hospice. We got to eat Kent/ucky Fried Chicken that day. A very special day.

Thursday, October 22, 2009


I have cut back on the coffee. I think I was over indulging a little (huge amounts!) and I have restarted the prenatal vitamins. On Tuesday of last week I stopped taking them ("what's the fucking point").

Even though I am busy I am still a little fragile deep down inside. I have a strong urge to stay in bed, be with my DH and generally do nothing, which I am resisting.

I think I have a bug, since I still have a sore throat and headache but I also know this could be the side fx of depression.

All in all, I am moving forward in the best way I know how even though I am scared and tired.

On the happy side, I am wearing pants that I have had since 2005 and never been able to get into. :-)

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


I have a weird throat today which could come from choir last night or could be the beginnings of another freakin' cold. WTF. Have I got any immune system left??

For the first time since last Tuesday I had a spark of excitement about our last hope cycle. We will be transferring really soon - like in December or January. I realized how soon that is when we tried to book a weekend away last night. We are basically booked up every weekend till December 18th! I am terrified that this cycle wont work, of course. And I am still exhausted from the last cycle (I think I am still depressed) but with good food, food sleep and good fun I am sure I can get my batteries recharged in no time. Dr J. mentioned that we get to look at photo's of the donors. That will freak me out!

Yesterday was a funny anniversary - we had breakfast together at 7am then saw each other at 11pm! We exchanged cards and he got me a little present. We are going to celebrate on Friday night at an old fashioned diner and then go to roller derby on Saturday. Sweet! I know I am biased but I do think I have the best DH in the world. He got me two cards. One was Happy Anniversary and he wrote a meaningful little message. The second said "You are Amazing" and he wrote a heartfelt tribute to my stamina in the past year. I mean - hello!!!! I really want to have his child, it true, but I think whatever happens, we'll be ok.

Thanks for all the lovely messages guys. It is so kind of you all to take the time and feels so good.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

2 years

It's our two year wedding anniversary today.

If you read this blog (even though you say you don't) I love you babe. Very, very much.

Monday, October 19, 2009

And... ow!!.

AF is here. I am glad. I am relieved that last cycle is now done with. I don't get to do the sonogram thingy this week and probably won't with Cornell. I don't want to go back to that clinic for a while. It is really painful but I just took some pain killers suggested by the hospital and I totally stoned! I have the munchies but I think that is just a natural state.

They drama is lifting a little bit everyday. Back at work, back in the chaos, is nice. I was fine yesterday night after working out like a demon and having a long hot soak in my bath. This morning I am anxious again but it could be to do with the amount of coffee I drank!! Deep breaths, sunny skies and a realistic look at my life helps. I am lucky in most parts of my life. Hopefully I will catch a break in this one area soon.

I have some fun trips coming up and have booked my trainer for 3 hours a week (which means I will do a minimum of 5 hours a week). We have some fun projects at work and some crazy clients. I will not let this last cycle ruin my autumn. It is a wonderful time of year and I look forward to it.

My biggest challenge is knock on emotion. So when I feel depressed I feel anxious, I get paranoid my lead team will quit or I will get fired or someone will steal a client etc. Mostly my anxiety is focused on being left high and dry at work. So I need to think about how to keep level headed and focused.

Guys, I know I have said it before but here it comes again. Thank you. Your consistent support has been my life line and my hope.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Rainy Sundays ... great excuse.

I was supposed to go to an adoption convention today but enough! I am taking an intellectual break for a while. I want to have some freakin' fun.

I booked a quick vacation to see my folks in November and DH is seeing if he can get compassionate leave. We stay in the only hotel nr the village that my brother lives in. Its in an business park - but a really English version of a business park (think the Office) but they have a great fitness center and a spa (it's a kind of gym for local elite) and that means I get to take my 5 yr old nephew swimming. yeah.

DH told me last night that all this stuff is really getting to him. He lost both his parents when too young and has no family to speak of. He has had a really hard time with all the rejection and failures. Emotionally, I think he is wrung out.

A surprising thing happened when I opened my mouth to comfort him.
" If this is all too much we stop, babe. We stop the treatments and the adoptions and we start to live as a child free couple. We have done more than was asked in order to make this happen and it hasn't. You just say the word."

Of course he said he couldn't do that to me. But at the time, and still today, I meant it. There is only so much we can handle. There is only so much I am willing to put him and myself through. I imagined a houseful of kids but we have other options, as sad as that feels right now. We'll do a cycle with DrJ and DH won't have to do anything before December. I am going to make a concerted effort to talk about and think about other things whilst we are together.

Want to know the most bitter irony of all. My brother and his wife got pregnant on the first try - the first try, the very first try. But she only wants 1 kid (since being preggers makes her look fat) so they aren't having any more.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

A day better

When I awoke this morning I didn't have a stone in my stomach. I didn't wake up crying. I was glad to wake up. I think, folks, I may have turned the corner. I even have the embers of excitement about crazy Dr Jessie and our adoption routes.

I am still feeling queasy and getting bad cramps but no AF. That's 5 days off the drugs. Anyone else feel queasy when they came off the drugs?
I did a bunch of medical research about lup.ron etc. Lupr.on increases the lining. Increases it!! And it decreases estrogen not suppresses it, decreases it. I thought I was already in menopause because my E2 levels were sluggish.

Dr Jessie does 2 injections of Lur/pon instead of daily. She only uses the E2 pills not the patches. Sounds like my DE cycle might be kinda easy! I have our kick off meeting next Sat. According to the women that just got preggers through Dr J (and had tons of failures at C.L) " it's so different from C/L. There is hardly any paper work and its really low key. That's good and bad. You are relaxed but you never quite know what is going on!" I am going to take in a three month calender. Get her to write key events on it. Write in possible NO TRAVEL dates so I can organize my work and then let her do her thing. I am no longer anxious about her. She is successful because she puts back tons of embryo's. I even hope to get a vacation in here somewhere.

Another C.L WTF moment was when my RE said "we should have put back three or four of these embryo's or waited till day 5" Ahhhhhhhhh. Yeah, ya think!

OK, i have hereby let go of all that negative shit. C/L didn't do a great job and I am done with that. Moving on.


It's weigh in day. Disclaimer: I wore jeans and sweater coz its freezing. I was up 3.4 pounds. I don't really care. I think I am even. However, it is time to start feeding my body with healthy autumn foods and working out. 10 pounds by Christmas. 10 pounds by my transfer!

Friday, October 16, 2009


Yesterday was a weird day. We had a couple session in the am. I just didn't want to talk about it anymore but I'm glad we went. Our therapist went through the options with us. She helped prioritize and take some of the decision making burden away which, from my point of view, seems overwhelming right now.

DE is depressed and has retreated which always upsets me.

I had and have a knot in my stomach and can't seem to shake nausea. Anxiety is a kicker eh. Of course, it crossed my mind that they got the test wrong and I am pregnant. Of course there is still hope in the impossible. Wouldn't that be a C:L mistake in my favor for once. Even with the nausea I still managed to ignore my diet. I figured I would just go with the flow until AF arrives (no pun intended) and then snap back into it.

So. here it is... Plan H ( I think)
We decided to go ahead with Dr Jessie (I see her next week), keep on the adoption route (information finding and agency selection) keep the frosties as a back up plan.

Dr Jessie has a long lead up time for DE patients, about 3 months. I will do a cycle with her so she can monitor my bits and blood without ' intervention' (baselining). Then the prep cycle and straight after that the Donor cycle. She bases the treatment around me not the donor. We get to chose from a few donors (CL preselects) which might be fun.

By my calculations and given that nothing is as straight forward as we are told, I think the transfer will be in late December/January

I have time to get over this annoying funk and lose weight. Now how much should I set myself? 10 pounds. Yes, that sounds about right.

Thursday, October 15, 2009


When I got to see my RE yesterday (for the first time in 2 years she was on time) she had all the answers you would expect. No idea why it didn't work. The cramping after transfer was due to my enormous ovaries and oporater error, apparently. So sorry. Such a huge disappointment.

She called me later in the day. She wants to do a h/sonogram. She wants to check out my uterus lining.

She wants to do this AFTER we have spent all this money??? I have been at the clinic for 2 years. She told me that there may be some reason that my lining is preventing implantation. It may be too thick ( I start at 7 and go to 20)

If I wasn't so depressed I would be angry.

Last night I went to international adoption class #1. We qualify for Russia and Ethiopia. That's it. I resented sitting there, I resented listening to all the reasons why we can't adopt form 90% of the countries out there and I was tired. Yes, I went a little too early in the grieving process!

DH and I didn't discuss any of this last night. I didn't have the energy and he is depressed (which is manifested by snarling and disappearing) so I thought we could try this morning in our couples session.

I am feeling awfully sorry for myself. Hopefully my first workout in what feels like 2 months will help.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

OK. Here I am.

Still sad. And still mad as hell that C/l fucked up our expensive treatment. But, the sadness is settling into a basic funk which is easy to categorise as PMS.

My RE called yesterday. She was really upset. I mean genuinely upset. Quite a weird conversation. I agreed to come in today to see her for my WTF conversation and I shall go through what I think happened and how Melissa is a nice enough women but a crap coordinator. I dreamt that they say - hell, we will give you a 50% refund or, wait, we just have to have these perfect babies someone left a while back - you want??

I decided to go all out today. Phoned in sick. Went for a really long massage, long walk, the consolation cup of coffee (very big cup of coffee) and a diet coke. At some point very soon sushi will be in my life. My darling friend got us tix to go to the opera, another is taking me out for lunch tomorrow and you guys, I have you guys. Your words were amazing - the agent that helped me emerge from all the guilt, blame, fury and grief.
And for the record - I am glad I tested on Sat. It gave me a three day lead on the grief.

Still not sure what to do next, whether to give up, do it all, do a bit. My instinct is to go with the FET if we can do it this upcoming cycle. Its cheaper than a whole new cycle and less hassle. We are starting our adoption route too. Tonight is the international adoption class at Spence -C. My friend is the next door neighbour of the 'Adoption Doctor' (she's a name in adoption circles apparently) and has offered to introduce us. We have the Embryo adoption route. And thanks to wonderful Soapchick we have Dr Jessie that has a really great batting average if we do another cycle. In 2006 this Dr had 11 DE patients and 11 DE patients to full term.

So, I am emerging. Still as fragile as all get out but through the worst. I am thinking about my gym routine, how to lose this next 10 pounds and all the little trips I can now make. I am looking forward to being hormone balanced for a little while. I am looking forward to not thinking about 'if' and 'what if' for a while.

Again, thanks guys.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009



I thought I would be OK. But deep down inside I hoped for a 49. I hoped for a positive. I had to leave work. I kept it together until I closed my apartment door. Then it all fell apart. The seams ripped open.

Yesterday I made i list of options
  • try another DE cycle: Lovely Soapchick put me in touch with someone that had used an RE called Dr Jessie. I went to see her yesterday and in a flash I had an ultrasound and a ton of blood work drawn. Too quick though. She made me anxious and whilst her CDC rating is high her customer satisfaction is not. Her rating is very high - the cdc reported that in 2006 she did 11 DE's and 11 went to birth.
  • We have the frosties and at least they are in an environment that I know, which brings me some peace.
  • We have our first adoption intro tomorrow.

But I don't want any of them. I want to be done with options. I want this time to be my turn. I want to have lost 35 pounds, saved $20K of our hard earned money, not traveled or gone on vacation and had weekly acupuncture to be pregnant, pregnant, pregnant, pregnant, pregnant.

I just don't know where to put all this sadness.

Monday, October 12, 2009

10 dp3dt

Yeah, I poas again this morning and nadda.

I started tossing around the idea of another DE cycle. We wouldn't have to borrow to pay for it, but its not like we have the cash to spare. What would it mean to our adoption plan? Why would the outcome be any different? How would I feel after that cycle failed? Can we make it through another cycle?

Why am I so hung up on getting pregnant now? I never was before. I knew I wanted to adopt when I was in my early 20s. Where does this irrational pull come from, this need to have 'our' baby?

I wrote a different post this morning but decided to edit it. It was all bile and anger. Yes, I am really, really angry this didn't work but what can I do about it.

We are going to our first adoption class on Wednesday. International adoption with a really well known agency in NYC. We qualify for Russia and Bulgaria. That just makes me laugh writing those words. I will have to learn all the new words, acronyms, expectations and rules for the PAP (pre adoption parents!!). We asked for their domestic program workshop also and we have the class in December. That gives us time for the FET ... to not work.

I am looking forward to hearing the end tomorrow so I can let go. I need to let go and be someplace else for a while. I always said that if this didn't work I would go on a fancy vacation someplace. I think I shall go to a really good spa and just work out every day, all day, get great massages and sleep.

Thanks for your responses yesterday. It helps to think things through.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Your thoughts needed

Thank you - everyone. whatever happens on Tuesday I can honestly say I have had the best support of my life. No other experience comes close.

Yesterday was a hard day. We cried a bit then calmed down and said "it's still early". We went for lunch, went to the movies and went for diner. All day our conversation came back to adoption. DH is really uncomfortable with a fully open adoption but he came around to the idea of a semi -open adoption. We contacted an agency in VT that has no age restrictions and applied for their December intro workshop. It's not that he has given up. DH realized when speaking with the agency how quickly the spaces fill up. I, on the other hand, thought "I know we still have a chance with this cycle and we have the frosties but ..."

.... but

There it is. The doubt and fear. The evaporation of belief. I do have moments that rise up and make me feel hopeful but now they're mediated with a little voice that says "be careful, you can look but don't think you can be one of them"

I POAS today, it came back negative.

Which brings me to my question. Would you do another round of DE? Or go straight to adoption?

Saturday, October 10, 2009

ept 8dp3dt - update

Thanks guys. I know its early but ...well, y'know. The good thing about today, I went to WW and I lost 3.6 pounds. Bye bye L.upron.
I feel like AF will start any moment. And that gives me hope. Silly me. Ah silly me.

Not even a hint of a line.
I'm not surprised but my heart has broken

Friday, October 9, 2009

Test minus one day

Feeling pretty crap but that could be the prenatal's I take combined with the estrogen pill. I am hungry even though I had a large bowl of oatmeal for my breakfast and my decaf coffee tasted like shite this morning (which is more to do with *$ than hormones).

I know all of the above are the effects of the lovely PIO but I don't care. The way I see it is I am practicing for when it is real. Which could be now. Which we could find out tomorrow.


So last night my DH was shooting a concert and my shot time came and went. I know there is a three hour window but that makes me nervous. I prepared everything and stood in front of the mirror like the 2934987 times before. Just like before I look at the needle and think "oh c'mon you baby, c'mon!!" at which point I usually lose my nerve and wait for DH. This time however.... I pushed the needle against my skin (ouch, fucking ouch) and then just kept pushing. I did it!! I gave myself my first PIO shot. HOT DAMN am I proud of myself. Conquering fear really gives me a feeling of control. I actually thought to myself "ha, take that infertility".

Last night I went to see a one women show about an end of life health care provider (palliative care). There was a bit about her grandfather. How he lost his baby son. I was ready to lose it. I was so not gonna do that in public in front of the writer I am working with. I pinched my arm so hard I broke the skin. Amazing how we live in hope of life and yet carry the shadow of loss everyday. I had prepared to see and hear death with the play, just not feel my deaths again.

It's Friday. Oh yes, it's Friday and I do, Soapchick, have Monday off. FIESTA!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Oh c'mon!

Cornel/l phoned today to tell me the pregnancy test will be on Tuesday since that will be day 28 and not Monday. Has my cycle suddenly shifted through some timewarp? huh!

My numbers are today e2 - 320+ and progesterone 22 i think.

What were your numbers at 8 days post transfer.

Thank you all so much for all your help. Soapchick and BWUB both edukamated me on why I might not have any implantation bleeding (how did I not think that one through!) and everyone gave such wondrous words of wisdom all my stress slowly lifted with every word. Thank you my dear friends. Thank you.

When I told DH that the test was pushed to Tuesday he agreed to maybe testing at home on Saturday am. The reasoning is that he wants to be with me when I do it (we both work long hours Tuesday) and if its not good news, he wants us to be able to hang out together. What a sweetheart.

My hope has raised a little since for the past couple of days I have been having quite bad cramping. On and off, not continuous but sometimes it's quite painful. Mostly to one side and sometimes radiating. It feels like my period is coming and then it goes away. Of course, I googled and hey presto - it is both a sign of pregnancy and a sign of not being pregnant. Most helpful.

Day 7

Stardate 29082347. We have been stuck on this planet for 7 days now. Spock has tried in vain to connect to any human life forms in the remote galaxies. Whilst the air is certainly the same composite as earth oxygen there is something not ... quite... right.... about it. We are all moving in slow motion. Earth time has been slowed down - therefore one second takes at least one hour to pass.

We are all suffering from obsessive thoughts and wild emotional swings. One moment there is sadness, the next great celebrations. I have found myself aware of every twinge and ache. Headaches come and go, never quite staying long enough to deal with but there all the same.

Zoolo has lost it completely. Has has started knitting. With pink wool. Checkov and Sulu have set up a small nursery in the cave we call home and take turns bathing one another.

And poor Bones. Whilst he seems unaffected by the madness and bravely tries to inject the life saving serum into our buts every day we cry and fight back. He is constantly under attack from one of us, demanding information and answers. All the anger of the group is focused on Bones, he seems to represent the cause of all our misery. He is afraid to sleep or eat for fear of retribution.

When. will. this. nightmare. end.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


Thanks for all your input and emails yesterday. My mojo is slowly seeping away. I am PUPO, I haven't tested and I shall not test (thanks for the kick up the posterior, guys). However, I am starting to think that this cycle has been a bust.

In the spirit of the 2ww madness i shall to a list

why I think I am pregnant
1. a little cramping
2. feel 'weird'
3. really want to be

why I think I am not pregnant
1. my back doesn't hurt (every time I get preggers - my back goes out)
2. no spotting (every time I got a BFP I had spotting)
3. really want to be

So there you have it. I'm undecided and honestly, leaning towards a no. Maybe that's my way of coping but I don't think so. DH is undecided about using the frosties due to cost. Yeah, right. I will pay for the frostie transfer! That doesn't help, though, knowing we have to have that discussion.

Anyone think they were going to get a BFN and get a BFP?

Its amazing how much stress you under go as a couple when doing all this. I have been dreaming about the vacations I am going to take.
1. visit my folks and stay in a 5 star spa in the middle of the countryside.
2 skiing - oh yeah, skiing
3. hot, sand villa, sea ... you get it.
4. hot dangerous adventurous, camera
5. leaves, peeping, sort of thing

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

What day is it Mr Wolf?

Do you start counting the transfer date as 0 or 1? Anyhoo we are now one day closer to the test day. I keep thinking I should be feeling stuff or seeing stuff by now. But nada. I fall asleep in the afternoon but that is probably due to my chronic levels of exhaustion from work.

What did you see - when you got a BFP? I heard that your boobs get all vein-y and dark at the fun end. Anything else? All I have are PIO issues.

OK clearly the madness seems to have set in!!

6 days till we know. Maybe I can renegotiate with DH and POAS this weekend. It will give me time to adjust. Ha, look at me. Pathetic.

OK, lets try this again: I am PUPO and I have the day off so I can enjoy myself. I shall go to the movies to see the latest chic flick and rub my belly throughout. Then I shall come home and rest (that's what pregnant people do in my universe) and then I get to go to choir. Sweet.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Frostie news

We have 2 snow babies!!!. I am so relieved! At least for $20K we get 2 go rounds. So the yield in total was 4 embies. That's totally crap for the age of donor and cost. That is the same yield as my first IVF but with way healthier eggs. I have decided to speak with my RE about the yield. I know, we only need one little one to snuggle in but I expected at few more chances. Is that unreasonable?

I am still off work and LOVIN' IT. I saw my therapist this am and she basically sent me to back to bed. She said 'indulge in rest, happy thoughts and let your body do it's thing'. She sent me the funniest email.

Don't get up, don't feel down.
Don't eat too much, don't eat too little.
Don't laugh too hard, don't cry at all.
Don't talk on the phone, don't isolate.
And above all...
don't take advice from anyone except your doctor!

Happy Monday one and all

Sunday, October 4, 2009

day 3

not that i am counting!

I took my e-pill and prenates together this morning. Not such a good idea. Yuk. Feel icky. Stops me from eating everything in sight - I nibble all day long, a bit of pineapple, a bit of cheese, cold pasta.

I've been watching HOUSE - we both struggle with an addiction. His to some pills and me to POAS. I am not going to cheat and boy am I glad I promised not to, but its there, in my mind, a constant urge. If I hadn't promised I would have POAS already!!

OK, wise women of the web, what is the deal with Pineapple? How much am I supposed to eat? I read that you ought to eat the same amount each day for 5 days. But how much???? I'm thinking moderation. Quarter a day.

Have a lovely sunny Sunday

Saturday, October 3, 2009

The story of Yesterday

Have you noticed that with IVF each cycle takes on a different feel. This one has been LONG and the chemicals really took their tool. Yet, it was yesterday, transfer day, that took on a whole new thang.

When we arrived at the reception centre the receptionist gave me the normal people robes. Now let me remind you that last time I had to fight to get the fat pants. The nurse was convinced I wouldn't fit in the 'special' clothing!! And, to my shame, she was somewhat right - those pants were tight. Well, I go into the changing room and think - just try these on before you tell them you need the fat robes.
They fit.
With room to spare.
I ddi a little dance of joy, in my brown socks and white printed ass showing roe.

Although I did put the bottom robe on back to front!! ROOKIE.

I wasn't nervous walking into the ER, which is a first but this time it hurt like hell in the beginning. I wasn't nervous that I had the doctor nicknamed the 'butcher of cl'. I waited in that gloriously awkward stirrup contraptions with lights blaring. I expected my hoo hoo to break into Broadway songs!

So then they show me the embies.

I couldn't believe how text book they look.

"Are those 8 & 9 divisions?" I asked the nurse

Our last ones were 3, 4, 5 range.

Once we are all done and I am in the waiting area I look at the print out of our embies. I start to blub. They are perfect. They are ours. I have never cried after transfer before.
I have never felt that whatever happens, this moment is special. It's different than when we had 'our' embies. It is somehow greater. Somehow more momentous. I guess this took me by surprise. I had a thought that I might resent the other women's eggs. But, I am grateful. I feel an enormous amount of gratitude to this young chick that has given me this chance.

I love this feeling. I love feeling ... complete. I'm really glad I promised not to POAS since it made me focus on the core of what we are trying to do which has reduced the stress somehow. (Mind you, its day 2!) We decided to speak about being pregnant from now on and not to obsess over symptoms. It's kinda weird. Counter intuitive for and IF'er. I hear the IF devil saying "ha, I will get you my pretty" but you know what, fuck 'em. If I only get to be pregnant for 10 days then I'll take it.

BWUB has a glorious post that is really well written and totally moving. Check it out.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Transfer TODAY! - UPDATE

I have two embies with 8,9 divisions in me. I swear, they looked textbook! I was the last transfer of the day and so I was in and out pretty damn quick.
I had a bunch of cramping and a really big wave of nausea (I went ash white apparently). I soon felt fine (after a little juice). The nurse thinks the stuff the RE 'washes' the uterine out with was applied a little fast or strong. Geeze. We came home and I have eaten an entire pineapple and I'm waiting for my acupuncturist. DH has waited on me hand and foot. Barking me back to bed when I get up to pee!!!

Feeling great and your kind messages made me relax and feel happy. oh and PUPO
And I get to eat a little bit of chocolate tonight. Whoo hooo.
Cl just phoned. We are going to transfer today at 245pm.

I asked if this 3 day transfer was a good or bad thing compared to a 5 day blast. Cl said it wasn't a good or bad thing and it was just that the embryologist thinks its time for the embies to be in their natural environment. Of course I went straight online and have found a few papers that say 'eh, makes no difference' and a few professionals that indicate it is a business decision not a medical one.


Anyone had a 3 day DE transfer and it worked? Would love to hear from you.

It's here. The day. This afternoon I shall be PUPO.

And yes, I have the pineapple ready :-)

Thursday, October 1, 2009

the day in between

My little ones are 'in bed'. That is how I like to think of the mass of cells working hard over at Cl. I have phoned in to work today to tell them that I will be out until next Wednesday, maybe Thursday. I had to -BWUB was gonna kick my ass if I went straight back to work!

I feel excited and filled with anticipation but I also feel peaceful. The cats are helping - they are total cuddle bugs at the moment. I could put it down to animal intuition but really - I think it got colder and they snuggle for heat. Whatever the reason, they are lovely and it really helps bring my heart rate down!

I am also getting rid of the EL in my system. I feel like I have taken a really strong anti-depressant! My mind feels lighter and brighter, if a mind can feel like that. I weighed myself this am and I have dropped most of the EL weight.

My E2 is hanging around the 250 mark so I think they will increase my estrodial. They want it around the 300 mark although no-one seemed worried about that.

And finally - thank you for all the lovely messages. It helped me really feel great about what is happening and how many embies we got. Tomorrow they will call in the am to tell me if I need to be in the ER that afternoon or on Sunday. Everyone pray for a 5 day transfer!!