Tuesday, October 27, 2009

it's normal I guess

I told my support group last night how up and down I feel lately. Felling OK one moment then the next deep in the clutches of doom and gloom. Everyone said the same thing - its normal, of course, don't worry it'll pass.

And I guess they are right.

But I have to tell you, its hard right now. The little things send my anxiety into orbit. An unexpected bill, a look from DH, a sentence in the novel I might be reading. Then I have moments where I think that the end is in sight, one way or another. By January we will be done with trying to get pregnant. We can move on.

I guess this is what depression is. A constant state of emotional suppression with little peaks of relief.

Whatever it is, it totally blows.

I have faith that it will lessen with time. I have faith that we will survive this as a couple and even may be stronger in our life together. It is, in some masochistic nightmarish way, good for me to go through this. I guess.



  1. I'm glad you have this faith to hold on to -- sometimes things seem so hard, and so being able to look forward to a more peaceful future is a really precious gift.

    I'm sorry that this is such a sucky rollercoaster of emotions. I completely get it, and hope that it gets easier soon.

  2. Uhm yeah, dear. You're totally unbelievably normal. As normal as the rest of us whackos. Tee hee. :)

  3. IF and all it entails, is a total rollercoaster. It's not fun, and we have to look to a better future in order to keep going. I wish you guys much luck in your upcoming cycle. We may be moving on toghether in January. xxoo

  4. You will survive this. It's just so hard when you are right smack in the middle of it all. I'm thinking of you and hoping that your journey gets easier in the months ahead.

  5. I am glad you have a support group - would that be an IRL one? There is not way to say that it sucks without saying it sucks IMNSHO.
    I think it's hard that we feel so shitty but it's still seen as "normal". I guess it's because these are "normal" reactions to difficult circumstances. I wonder what we would do if people said - oh wow, you are so abnormal! That might make me feel a bit better...maybe?
    I don't know how to make it any easier except to keep on keeping on and putting one foot in front of the other, and not making rash decisions or doing anything drastic because we are so fragile right now.
    take care - I hope the ups and downs level out a bit.
    And I am from Hull in East Yorkshire (formerly the boringly named North Humberside), though my family all lives in West Yorkshire now -something I just realized as I wrote it. My bro and mom live near Huddersfield, aunts and cousins in Pontefract and Castleford and that's it. My sis lives here too.Ee by eck ma, it's parky! great to meet another yorkshire lass!!!

  6. Oh you are sooooo normal. In the book I'm reading off and on (Unsung Lullabies), it mentions that are reproductive story is just one aspect of our lives together with our partners. This too shall pass... however it may resolve itself. There are stages that we go through like anger and grief. With each cycle of hope that we go through that ends with a period, it feels like a death for us. It is very real, particularly with IVF. They give you pictures of the embryos for God's sake! Because there was no "baby", most people are not as sympathetic to this "death" as we are. Even our partners are removed from it. But then we have to once again renew our hope with the next cycle that we try. This goes on for months and years for many of us and it's very painful.
    You're NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL. IF sucks. Hang in there.


  7. I'm not sure the frustration, emotional roller coaster and depression are good for us, but they definitely teach us to survive, come what may. You are a survivor, and good for us or not, I think what you are experiencing is normal. Soaring hopes and deflated hopelessness ARE indeed the roller coaster. The good thing is, nothing is certain yet, so don't give up.