Sunday, October 25, 2009

Confusion - update.

Had a great lunch with DH. All is well. He is tired and worried about money. I am tired and worried about spending money and not getting pregnant. So then I realized - if it doesn't work? We move on. We save and move on.
All is well.

My DH and I have had an enormous misunderstanding. He thought we were taking a month off and then deciding which route to go down. I thought we had agreed to do the prep work with Dr J etc.

How did this happen? Not sure. We were in the couples session and the therapist laid out a plan. I thought we had agreed to do it, my DH thought we had agreed to think about it. Since I have seen the couples therapist for a solo session since and we spoke about the plan, it seems that the couples therapist also thought we had agreed to 'do' the plan.

We talked it through last night. He is worried about money and also about me taking a month of for emotional recovery time. It made me cry and depressed again so maybe he has a point but how the hell did this happen?? I have been speaking about yesterday's appointment with him for two weeks, going on about dates etc. What did he think was going on? It made me want to walk away from everything, every option, every situation, every moment. For the first time in years, I cried in public, on a crowded subway no less. Totally humiliating.

We tried to enjoy the evening but there was tension between us. It was very stressful. I kept saying things like " Its great that we get to concentrate on something other than IVF" trying to make him feel like we were NOT doing a cycle. I said " you're not involved till late December" and he said "I can't take time off work in December" meaning he couldn't take time off work to do the sample on retrieval day. He is under a ton of pressure right now, with the trip to Haiti getting ever closer. I know he is really worried about it. I guess we are both feeling its all a bit much.

If this cycle doesn't work I can't imagine the toll it will take on our marriage.

Oh why couldn't I just get pregnant like a normal person. Why do we have to go through all this crap.

OK, I need to think my way out of this funk. I earn enough to replenish the coppers quickly. If this doesn't work we will take a nice long break since adoption takes so long and we can decide what we want to do. We can plan some great expeditions - we have a project in Patagonia that we could do in the winter and a trip to Mongolia we could organize for June. We will know by January what our lot is and we can move on to either outcome quickly.

I hate IF.


  1. How about freezing a semen sample to take the pressure off him? For IVF, frozen is just fine.

  2. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's hard enough when our spouses are on the same page. We are at the same point...before we agreed about every next move, without even discussing it all we do is discuss...

    Best of luck as you move forward.

  3. Ouch. Disagreements with spouses over IF stuff are, I think, more difficult than other disagreements. Mostly because the issue is such a tender one. Sorry there was some confusion. Know that it's not just you, though (yesterday I chided my husband, through clenched teeth, for being so f***ing lazy. I wasn't his favorite person). Hope you're able to work things out and move forward.

  4. I'm sorry you are going through this. IF sucks. period. The stress it puts on every other aspect of our life, is tremendous. I hope you guys decide the path forward together, and are once again on the same page. xxoo

  5. Believe me this is not so unusual. I've been married for almost 12yrs. and with my DH for 17. IF can really push a marriage to its limits. For every IUI and IVF I had there was always some sort of, "I don't know if I can get there" sort of thing. Even though WE know they have the easy part, it seems really stressful for them to go in and perform. I realize this might not be your issue, but stress manifests itself in many ways. We've also had the "I didn't agree to that" conversation. They don't understand that these procedures take weeks and weeks of prep. They see it, but they don't. A man can never understand fully what a woman is going through and vise versa. You're going to therapy. That was probably one of the wisest things you'll ever do for your marriage. Hang in there IF is a bitch.

  6. I know the worries about spending so much and receiving nothing in return. With each failed IVF it is like a little piece of you is gone. But, it sounds like you and your spouse do have good communication. As long as you both agree that it is what you BOTH want, you will make it. Love can help you through anything, Hang in there.