Had a great lunch with DH. All is well. He is tired and worried about money. I am tired and worried about spending money and not getting pregnant. So then I realized - if it doesn't work? We move on. We save and move on.
All is well.
My DH and I have had an enormous misunderstanding. He thought we were taking a month off and then deciding which route to go down. I thought we had agreed to do the prep work with Dr J etc.
How did this happen? Not sure. We were in the couples session and the therapist laid out a plan. I thought we had agreed to do it, my DH thought we had agreed to think about it. Since I have seen the couples therapist for a solo session since and we spoke about the plan, it seems that the couples therapist also thought we had agreed to 'do' the plan.
We talked it through last night. He is worried about money and also about me taking a month of for emotional recovery time. It made me cry and depressed again so maybe he has a point but how the hell did this happen?? I have been speaking about yesterday's appointment with him for two weeks, going on about dates etc. What did he think was going on? It made me want to walk away from everything, every option, every situation, every moment. For the first time in years, I cried in public, on a crowded subway no less. Totally humiliating.
We tried to enjoy the evening but there was tension between us. It was very stressful. I kept saying things like " Its great that we get to concentrate on something other than IVF" trying to make him feel like we were NOT doing a cycle. I said " you're not involved till late December" and he said "I can't take time off work in December" meaning he couldn't take time off work to do the sample on retrieval day. He is under a ton of pressure right now, with the trip to Haiti getting ever closer. I know he is really worried about it. I guess we are both feeling its all a bit much.
If this cycle doesn't work I can't imagine the toll it will take on our marriage.
Oh why couldn't I just get pregnant like a normal person. Why do we have to go through all this crap.
OK, I need to think my way out of this funk. I earn enough to replenish the coppers quickly. If this doesn't work we will take a nice long break since adoption takes so long and we can decide what we want to do. We can plan some great expeditions - we have a project in Patagonia that we could do in the winter and a trip to Mongolia we could organize for June. We will know by January what our lot is and we can move on to either outcome quickly.
I hate IF.