Saturday, March 29, 2014

Weight Loss Surgery

Two friends of mine have had WLS. One a decade ago. She lost a huge amount of weight and was clearly happy. Yet slowly she regained the weight and now she seems to fade in and out of life a bit.

The other friend just had his. He was pretty ill and this will hopefully save his life.

Mmnnn- thinking … thinking ...

Did the test to see if I qualify.



And the surgery says … I'm going to make an appointment with a WLS  Dr.

This isn't a 'suddenly one moment' decision. I spent most of my Christmas break watching videos of folks that have had various WLS.

Here's the biggest thing I'm thinking. I want to enjoy my kids for as long as possible. I want to feel less tired, less big and waaaaay more healthier. My knee's hurt, my back hurts and I come from a family with diabetes, heart attacks and other super stuff.

It just feels like the right thing to do.

Do you have any experiences to share? Good or bad. Love to hear it. 

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Why I am not mad just crazy

Here is what life is like with two small kids, one big job, life in a big city in a small apartment and a family full of big dreams.

I dream of going back to freelancing nearly every day but we have to have financial security of an office job for now (for reasons I can't explain here I am financially supporting three families). However, I keep my options open by doing freelance gigs on the side. Does that expand my working week by double - hell yeah - but we need the money and I need the escape hatch to be fully burrowed out :)

However, with my loony toons brain I am forever walking the tightrope between doing OK emotionally and tumbling into panic, anxiety and depression.

You know what keeps me afloat? Yup, the cheeky tots. I hug them and kiss them, cuddle and snuggle and my panic recedes.

Last time I held on to my kids for dear life I thought 'is this healthy? are there others like me?" and it turns out there are. I found a study that said lots of women with toddlers are exhausted and depressed but the smell and touch of the kids released endorphins to caused them to mentally stabilize.

I am running out of time with my kids. They start pre K in the autumn and then what? Well, then we don't need to pay for full time childcare, that's what. Then I might be able to go back to being a freelancer  - get up super early and work, then get the kids up and take to school, then work till they get out of school and spend the rest of time with the kids.
Maybe its a pipe dream or in reality its a nightmare or I am just a 'grass is greener' type of person.

Having options is sure lucky tho and for that I am grateful for my gift of life - my kids.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Loony toons update.

THANK YOU for helping me. Thank you for making me less alone.

So far two doctors are helping. First doc raised my anti-depression  Rx which has helped.  The other person is a specialist and I'll be seeing her in April. She may change my Rx or add something.

Things are less intense now. I won't say stable.

The anxiety and depression is because  I just want to stay home and raise my kids.  I can't believe that this high flying exec has lost her pin stripped mojo but its true. Work feels meaningless and like it's robbing me of my life with kids.

I can medicate through this but oh to win the lottery or just enough so that I could take on the role of mum full time.

I guess if my work had meaning this would seem less of a struggle. I work with mostly morally bankrupt people. It's pretty damn disgusting. One or two shining lights make bearable. Just.

And of course my poor long suffering husband. Damn me, that man has listened to me piss and moan for years!

So. My medication tape tells me I need to think about gratitude. so here is my gratitude list.

My home with its kids, cats, husband is loving and lovely.
I get to sing once a week.
we are safe and healthy

What's are you grateful for?

Sunday, March 16, 2014

anxiety disorder.

Ever since taking the job from hell that I eventually quit I seem to have developed an anxiety disorder. Even in my current position that I am more than capable of doing, I have racing heart, sinking feeling in my stomach and I am over compensating by eating. 

I won't go in to details but my thoughts are starting to worry me. 

I've struggled with depression for years but ever since the kids came I've been pretty well stable. However, my anxiety is getting out of hand. 

Anyone tried any anxiety meds?