Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Twins and Marriage 2

Thank you for your comments. They were really helpful. I also asked the support group I go to and my therapist. The advice boils down to:

1. Ask before you nag
2. Speak before you yell
3. Perspective before drama
4. Praise before criticism

Easy rules to remember and I shall attempt to follow them. I did try to explain to DH last night that I was frustrated with his lack of overall involvement and that it was becoming a problem for me. He went pale and all he heard was "I'm divorcing you'. I am not and will not divorce this man. I told him when we married that if we were going to go through the ceremony, divorce was not an option. Well, at least until either George Clooney or Colin Firth wise up. Or both. .... ....

where was I?

oh yes, my marriage.

So, I'm thinking of asking him to agree to this list of things he is totally responsible for.

1. Trash - taking it out every day
2. Kitchen bookending: clearing it up first thing in the am and last thing at night
3. Ordering the kids formula (a little risky I admit but we do have my boobs as back up and a pharmacy across the road)
4. Making the bed every morning
5. Providing us with a meal on Thursday night.

What do you think? It gives him clear goals, a common understanding of what success looks like and will help him navigate how he can contribute.

Or is just insulting??

Monday, November 29, 2010

Twins and marriage

Every book ever written on marriage with twins says the same thing - your marriage will be tested. I examined our life together and tried to prepare for this. And yet. I am failing at either finding a balance between my expectations of what needs to get done or I have unrealistic expectations of my partner.

My level of frustration is getting higher with each moment of action not taken, responsibility shrugged or jobs ignored. I feel less and less attracted to a man that acts like a boy. I do not want this resentment in my life or marriage. I have seen what it can do and I wish with all my heart not to stumble into that bleak future.

He speaks about his emotions and expresses love for myself and the kids. I need to see him act on those intentions. I need to see him physically doing things in service to our life, our home and our family.

What can I do? What has worked for you? I need your thoughts on this one.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

unrocking chair

Dutailier Nursing Grand Modern Style Glider with Built in Nursing Pillows - Model 996 is a piece of crap. It cost $650 ON PROMOTION! and after two weeks the rocking mechanism has crapped out. Just another thing to add to the list of to do's

Nothing is easy right now. I am having a really hard time.

Friday, November 26, 2010

A world of difference

Pip was a spit up kinda fella from the day he was born. As you may remember he's a small little lad - in the 3% - 5% group. Well, the doc gave us baby zan.tac to give him three times a day.


It's been a week since he started the medicine and he has doubled and sometimes trebled his intake. Mum is so proud ;-) The best thing is that the spit up has been dramatically reduced as has the screaming after meal. What a relief.

Ironically, Mimi just vomited over herself! Then smiled! That's my girl!!

Hope you all had a lovely gobble gobble day.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010


Last night I had a 'work do'. I don't drink but my colleagues do and did to abandon! One of them casually slurred into my ear
"when the boss goes you guys will be history, you know that, right?"

Well, yeah, I kinda figured it out but holy shite lady, i just had twins! No-one wants to hear that sort of thing. Right now I'm wigging out. I am the sole breadwinner of the family. WTF!!!

I've already set up two 'just in case' offers but still, my stomach is in knots and my boobs just stopped producing milk. I got about 1floz this morning. Stress anyone.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Boob Juice

Thought that would get your attention!
Since neither of my kids wants to actually eat from my actual boob I am pumping as often as I can. Up to every three hours. Usually it is every 5 hours. I get about 1- 2 floz at a time (except in the am). I only have one working knocker and the other has a few milk ducts working but not many.

Here's the question - how to increase supply? I would like to get up to 10floz - is that possible??

I love the weekends but I love the weekdays more now. The kids have an amazing nanny who is calm and wise. I come home and they are happy kids ( or soon to be happy kids if I get home near bath time). Today she made a huge pot of chicken (balsamic marinated chicken - I kid you not). The kitchen is spotless and there is a sense of 'calm' I get when she's looked after the kids.


Sunday, November 21, 2010

Sleep wars

Damn, sleep training is hard. On paper, it looks so easy. And on paper, my kids are doing well. They go down without a whimper now. Mimi sometimes chats herself to sleep and Pip can whimper or cry a bit but nothing dreadful.

However, neither sleeps through the night. We are at a cross road as to which approach to take. One philosophy says if your kids go down, slowly phase out middle of the night feedings so they don't all weired out about night time hunger. The other philosphy says let 'em cry. It's only hunger/a wet nappy and they will soon get over it.
Clearly the screaming will be a bit of a nightmare! But if we get to where we need to go.. a solid 12 hours of snooze for all, then I am all for it.

What did you do?

Friday, November 19, 2010

The plays the thing.

LOVED going to the theatre last night. I was super tired and grumpy before hand. If I hadn't promised my friend I would go I would have been in bed! However, I went and I am delighted I did. I love live theater and last night was very live!

However the thing that I loved the most was an old feeling. I have been consumed by my new motherhood role (and happily so) but I have missed the confidence I enjoyed pre-pregnancy. We sat in front of some movie actor ( and in true NY style I pretended to not notice) and then I walked home through Times Square and the tourists. It was a cold night and there was that Christmas nip in the air. I felt almost high! I had this feeling deep inside me that things were coming together.

What a wild ride this is.

Pip and Mimi had their 3 month check up. She is over 12 pounds, long in leg and hits the 75% for girls. Pip gained 1.5lb and grew all round but he is still in the 3-5%. The doc gave him an Rx of Zan.tac to help with the feeding pains. Of course, we want him out of the 5% group but he is growing and healthy and smiling and holding his head up and basically, a wonderful regular kid. ;-)

Thursday, November 18, 2010


I deleted my last past. I don't want a fleeting moment of anger to exist on the internet forever.

Pip slept for 12 hours last night. He had a little feed around 12am but he seems to have hit his sleep stride. By 4pm he is whining for his (super long) bath. He loves the water! Then, snuggled in a lovely pair of PJ's he has a little bottle, a cuddle, a story and he's away.
Mimi fights sleep as long as she can. Poor little bugger is exhausted before she finally gives in. She'd sleep thru the night if she never had a wet diaper. She HATES being wet.

Last night, they were both post bath, smelling faintly of lavender and clean baby, and we all sat in our new rocker and had a glorious 15 mins of smiling, sighing and eye drooping.

It's always hard to enjoy one child at a time. I feel guilty when I cuddle one. Guess that will always be the way.

Out to the theatre tonight, first time since they were born. Hope DH can handle them!! In all honesty I am way too tired to go out but I made this arrangement while preggers and totally forgot about it. Ah well, sure it will be fun.

Monday, November 15, 2010

First night away from little ones.

I was OK till I skyped home. Then I burst into tears. My little fella, Pip, looked into the camera and was so confused. He could hear me but not smell me. I don't think they can understand looking into a screen so that must have freaked him out too.

It is nice having time to myself, for sure. My room got upgraded which is amazing and lovely. I went for a walk and ate my meal by the wharf. But my heart isn't here. I miss the weight of Mimi when I cuddle her. I miss calming my boy down and his little hands holding onto me for dear life. I miss the smiles. I miss the smells. I miss the breath and the soft hair. I miss their need. I miss being close by, protecting them.

I feel heartbroken that this is the first full day of their short lives that I missed. I guess being infertile has made me greedy for every moment of them. Insane, I know.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Sunday Nutty Sunday

Oh my what a day. And it is soooo not over yet

They went nuts today. Crying and puking, the whole deal. After hour and hours of screaming and juggling they are finally taking a break. I should be bathing them about now but HELL NO! I want quiet for as long as they can keep the napping going.

In the midst of it all my client wanted changes made to a presentation!! Ass!!!!! I fly to San Fransisco tomorrow to give a presentation and then I turn around and fly home.

I have just eaten an entire pot of ice cream - fat free. I have never eaten that much ice cream in my life, I think I may barf.

Oh no, I hear noises from the kids room. Why does DH have to work till 10pm today

Booo hooooooo

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Weigh in

I lost 1.6 pounds. Yippee. It's a start.
I have a pair of trousers I want to get into and they are winter trousers. Not expensive and not fancy but I have had them for years and they are my 'skinny' trousers. It will take 30 pounds to get into them. Are you ready for this??

I guess this blog will be about becoming a mother. The healthy, energetic, hot momma!

Friday, November 12, 2010

Rocking and rolling

We finally got our rocking chair. Its really comfy and I have rocked a screaming baby into blissful calm at least twice today. Now, here I sit, calm and gently rocking myself to sleep.

We have started cooking again. Well, its more like assembling but hey, it's a start. Out budget has been blown to pieces with one thing or another so we decided to eat in until further notice. We love eating out so it's a bit of a blow but I can cheat - I have to eat out for work ;-)

Gym again today. Longer, faster and I started crunches. Ow! Did anyone else find that crunches really hurt after a C-section? I reverted to Pilate's style crunches.

Quite a few times I feel blissful, especially at night with the kids down and the house tidy. I just love, love, love being a mum. I love that they want to sit with me over anyone else. I love that I can calm them or make them smile. I love that I make improvements to our home in their best interest. Even the tiredness (with work and kids etc) is somewhat blissful - I can sleep at night (I had horrible insomnia) I can sleep anytime, anywhere, anytime.

Guess I am loving this whole thing :-)

Tuesday, November 9, 2010


I went. For the first time in 12 months. OOOOOOHHHHHH so good. I'd forgotten how much I love to work out. Heart rate soaring, legs burning, face bright red. Loved it!! It all felt so familiar, like coming home.

And then I checked my email and Kate has had her baby :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Monday, November 8, 2010

Nice times

Yeah, they still scream. And no, they are not really sleeping through the night although we are sooooo close. But this time, this 3 month mark brings a rhythm that is calming and enchanting. This weekend there were rosy cheeks and warm sweaters, hot coffee and roasted things. There was baths and cuddles, snuggles and TV. There was smiling, oh lots of smiling and goofing around.

I am a mum. Wow, I am a mum :)

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Whachya looking at?

The kids have started to follow me with their eyes when I move around the room. It makes me deliriously happy. They stop crying when I hold them (unless I am being an idiot). Mimi feels like a heavy teddy bear when I cuddle her and she rests her perfect chubby cheeks against mine and coos. Pip has starting smiling for real and boy, he is going to be a soooooo much fun. He cracks me up with that grin. It's kinda lob-sided and cheeky. His eyes sparkle and can see right into your soul. He reminds me of those little paper boys you see in black and white movies.

Isn't it great that this weekend will be sunny and cold! We are all dressing up in soft wool and getting rosy cheeked in the fresh air. I will walk them for a couple of hours, maybe down to the market or up to my favourite coffee place. We shall hang in the park and watch the big kids play. I'll take a book so we can read in the sunshine, or at least I can read and they can sleep under their super warm blankets.

That's what life is about right now. Pottering and bonding. Falling in love. Being loved back. Loving so very deeply, so very much that its intensely consuming. And I have two of them to love!! I have two wonderful kids. When people say "wow you're so brave" or "ohhhh twins, hard!" I just think "what are you talking about? Can't you see how much better this is??" Bet then, I'm biased.

Today's question is about skin. Pip has rough patches on his legs. Not big or itchy. What's with that?

Monday, November 1, 2010

Falling in Love

I am falling in love with my kids. This may seem an odd thing to say since they are about 11 weeks old. I've been fascinated and protective all along but that hopeless "falling in love" feeling that everyone has spoken or written about has taken its own sweet time to get here. I was starting to worry but yesterday was just me and the kids for about 12 hours straight and I was greedy to have them all to myself.
I realised I had missed having them all to myself. Holding Mimi, gazing at her perfection is a gift of indescribable proportions. And when Pip searches for me my heart swells I swear, I think it is going to burst. I know it sounds so streatypical but its true!! I am speechless in my adoration (clearly not -just typed the longest post in weeks).
When can I go home to my kids. I want to snuggle up with them.