Day tripper

So there I am, Dr J's office at 9 am. Actually I got there late coz they are NEVER on time so why should I be. After 10 mins the crappy nurse yells my name (HIPPA be damned apparently) and yells "Sono" after. She was around the corner from the waiting room at this time so I just assumed her meaning. Nice manners you got there.

Anyhow - Dr J comes in, wand goes up and she says 'still there'. I am thinking she does not mean my uterus but the polyps. She opens the door and yells shit in Polish. Then super nurse comes in with an injection.
"what's that? "
"local"
"what for"
"in case its needed" (oh yeah duh, stupid me)

Dr J pops the liquid in my arm and ..... i... am.... totally.... stoned.....
Then OUCH the fuckity fuck ouch.
She not only 'cleans' my uterus up she take the biopsy for the co-culture.
'Stay, till not dizzy' she mutters.
"Fuck off", says I to no-one. I get up too quickly and get dressed. She hands me a prescription and out I go.
Bit like every Saturday morning when I was a teenager - without the $20K price tag and medical procedures.

And that is that till November 30th.

Question: what has happened to cyclesista??

sunny side up

Decided against the cleanse - the first shake tasted like crap!! So I had a healthy three cups of coffee (blue door coffee from SF) and will grab some lunch at some time today.

Feeling much more chipper today after a good nights sleep. Amazing what sleep deprivation does to me. I am such a sensitive soul. I weighed myself this am and i have only gained one pounds which can be easily lost with some long walks and good choices. I decided to give myself a break till the end of the year. maintain where I am, not gain and then when January comes around I can see what's what.

I get sudden bursts of excitement about the DE cycle. Something has changed, for sure. It's like I realized that this time around the percentage of chance is much lower (for no reason I can determine, but there you go) so it's like "hey, what the hell, give it a go". Last time I was so determined to be successful. Laughable in its arrogance. Oh well. I suffered the punishment of that arrogance that's for sure. I also keep thinking, somewhere out there a teenager is shagging her boyfriend standing on one leg (coz that means you don't get preggers right?) and they are making my little one. My little one is being created right now and they know I am coming for them. We know we are meant to be together. When they look at me, they will sense my heart is theirs. When I look at them, my heart will start beating for the first time.


Random thought....
I watched a documentary on the plane. SOLO. It was about this chap, And.rew M.cAuley, an extreme adventurer who attempted to kayak across the stretch of water between Australia and New Zealand. To put it in some perspective the trip took about 30 days and there were NO other vessels out there coz the ocean is too rough. Too rough for those enormous tracking ships or navy vessels. He was advised by the coast guard and everyone he knew not to do it for the sake of his wife and son.
Andrew was lost at sea within sight of the New Zealand coast. He most probably died from hypothermia/drowning due to exhaustion when his Kayak capsized.

His best friend, another adventurer, explained that this need ... to cross the water, to conquer the challenge, to undergo the extreme adventure was not adventuring but a weakness. it was a weakness because he put his own life before his family.
Thought that was interesting.

nearing the next time

I met some close colleagues in SF for a quick drink before yet another diner. Within moments we were discussing TTC, IVF, DE, and I had no idea they were trying! I thought - wherever you go there we are!!

So here we are. Back in NY and nearing the end of the mock cycle. It all feels a bit unreal, a bit distant from me. This time next month we will be nearing transfer. I hope it's as uninvolved as the mock. That would rock! I need to get my head in the game a bit though. I am eating too many carbs and way too much sugar, too much coffee and too little sleep. I am soooo off the weight watchers discipline. That has to change. I will not gain weight. I may do a cleanse tomorrow.
I feel stuck. My weight is stuck, I'm on the round about again - mocks, cycles, doctors and I can't see the end. I am having sharp pains in my left side - cramps but sharp - ovulation? I guess. I want to move off the round about, want to go forward but don't believe I will at the moment. Must remember- December 31st is the last day of TTC.

Elizabeth- thinking of you and Will. I hope all is stable and you both get to come home really soon. All my love to you and yours.
EB

Gone fishing...

Hey all. I am in sunny San Francisco - it really is a lovely city. Everywhere I go I see pregnant women which I am taking as a sign :-)
trying to be good withthe food but oh! So hard.
Back home on Thursday so I'll post later in the week.

Dr 'Sim.pson' doing good.

I know I have written about my lack of faith in my new RE since she is so much like the Dr from the Simpsons. Well, she has redeemed herself. The L.upron bleeding has revealed polyps which is why the embies had a hard time in my u-tube. Cornel.l you SUCK. She says they are easy to treat (if they don't release on their own) next weekend. She has put me on Folic Acid only (very high dose) since some of the stuff in the prenatal (iron it think) is not too helpful for polyp people like me.

So. There we are. Something different.

Oh and another thing. THE DONOR SAID YES!!! We are on for December. I don't want to jinx all this but crapola monkey we may be finished by December end of year. We may be transferring near New Years which is perfect for me - New Years Eve in bed, eating pineapple (but not too much) drinking soup and watching black and white movies.

And for the first time I am excited about the transfer. Maybe we can do the transfer get pregnant and adopt all next year. An apartment full of kids and those cute kid clothes. And diapers. And poop. OK. Maybe just the transfer!!

Hamlet for dummies

Went to Ju.de La.w in Hamlet last night. I was told by friends that have already seen it not to expect too much. It was kinda good. They took a few liberties with the script but on the whole Mr Jud.e was very watchable. It was like Hamlet for dummies.

Ophelia was totally crap though. Holy hell in a hand basket make her stop!!!! She sang the madness songs like she was in a ancient version of Re.nt and her idea of madness is wide eyes and shaking head.


She should inject L.upro.n for a year and then do the frikkin scene. Madness is not wide eyed distraction. It's desperate and all encompassing. It's desire for something so unattainable that you can think of nothing else, speak of nothing else, be nothing else other than this body of desire. Madness is knowing one thing but feeling something completely else. It is looking at the faces of those you love only to wonder why you love them, why you chose them, why they love you if you cannot keep life alive in you. Madness is paying for all the treatments even after you promised yourself once was enough. Madness is the addiction to treatment. Madness is the bills, piling up and straining every resource you have. Madness is holding your stomach and imagining for only a second that all is possible only to realise that there is no child in your body, no life to protect that is not your own.

Madness is success, hearing the heartbeat and feeling the life whilst everyday struggling to protect your thoughts from the deepest fears of loss felt all too often, pain felt with regular normality and depression so profound that breathing is a choice.


Would I prefer to be the mom of the first pregnancy I had. Yes. But I am not. I miscarried and many time again. So, this IF journey has made me mad and through that madness I feel free and strong. Hamlet may be the hero of Shakespeare's play but for the first time in my life I feel that I am the hero of my story. As are you of yours.

Spinal compression

What now? Oh yes, I have spinal compression again. It's the Lup 'i hate EB lets sock it to her' ron and I have had it before so no panic. Lots yoga and slow walking. It's a great excuse not to do any weights at the gym which means I have to do all the weird Pilate's and stretchy yoga that is on offer there. Did I mentioned I am built like an English rugby player?? Me doing yoga is positively hilarious. Like the hippo from a Disney cartoon.

So here I am. Half way through my mock and I have started to worry. What do I know about the donor - do we have a donor! I haven't had any blood tests for E2 etc . I am seeing her Dr J on Sat so I shall write a list of questions to go through with her. I am not really talking to DH about how I feel or side effects etc. I think he would prefer to just let it all disappear for a few weeks. Don't blame him. Neither one of us are talking about 'when we are pregnant in January', in fact we haven't even gone as far as 'if this happens' coz I think we both expect it not to. All we do talk about is adoption - the worry of the kids rejecting us when they get old enough to suss us out, the biological family being nuts and causing nothing but mayhem in our lives and the big one, the one we haven't spoken about for any real time, how we feel about not having biological children.

We go to Vermont the first week in December for the Friends in Adoption workshop (thanks Kate!!) so maybe that will be the time to have those discussion.

And one last thing; thanks for all the lovely messages welcoming me home. I must say, you guys make a whole world of difference in my life. The support, comradeship and empathy.