Friday, December 31, 2010

510 123110

We had a play date with a one year old today. I was left feeling like our kids are less fortunate than the singleton. His folks are totally into his every need and he is a smart, advanced baby. With twins, I seem to spend all my time responding to needs and not really playing or 'helping develop' their motor skills etc.
I think I have singleton envy!!
And the play date mom, she looked with envy as DH and I cuddled our kids. She wants more, her husband doesn't.
The grass is always greener!


In this, my 510th post,  I will wish you all a peaceful, happy and prosperous New Year

Thursday, December 30, 2010

BF .. update

She's pregnant!!! Lovely news indeed.


My acupuncturist whom I consider a dear friend finds out today if her donor egg transfer worked. I am chomping at the bit, desperate for her to call me with that shocked-elated-terrified announcement. I am nervous she will call with the BFN news.

She has been going to a top notch and totally out of this world expensive guy for a couple of years and never once got pregnant. They have been trying for eight years. Eight! I put her on to my crazy Polish doctor and at least now they have embryos to transfer if this shot doesn't work. However, I am not sure they could take a BFN.

Please, for all those times you went through this, cross everything you have, say a prayer, chant or do what ever it is you believe in so that we send her all the good luck we can.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Crying it out

I have come so far with the whole sleep-training-two-kids thing. They nap well. They go down without crying or cajoling. They stay asleep for hours. Specifically the hours of 6pm to around midnight. Then one of them stirs and I am supposed to let them cry it out. Yeah, supposed.
Mimi get stuck on her back but wedged up against the side of the crib. She wails and screams and I just can't leave her. A quick flip, a binky and she is asleep again in seconds.
They are both like that. An easy fix and they are asleep again.

However, that means I am up every hour for a few seconds. I don't think I have seen RAM sleep in a while. I asked our old night nanny to help but with the holidays and now the storm she hasn't been able to get here.

I lack the backbone to let them scream through it. In the morning I get up and chide myself for being such an arse.

How did you handle to screaming?

Sunday, December 26, 2010

White out

Yup, we have our first winter blizzard. This may sound a bit odd, but I love a good blizzard.  I love sitting inside watching the weather go mental outside and knowing I don't have to do anything tomorrow. Well, other than look after the tremendous duo.
Mimi was hilarious this afternoon. She wanted her bath at like, 3pm. Not so much. However, she didn't go down without a fight. Chatter squeak squeal murmur ... all the way to nap land.

Pip is spitting up tons lately. He's on Zan/tax which helps somewhat with the pain but not the spitting up. I must have changed him 6 times today.

When it's just me there isn't anytime for cuddling. No one-on-one time which totally sucks. Hopefully tonight we can have the bath, bottle, book and bed routine so I can get to cuddle one of them for a while.

Must sleep. Too much Christmas Pudding.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

122510

 Mimi slept thru the night. Pip almost. We all got up at 5.30am and fed, bathed and dressed in the Christmas jumper set my mum sent over (sort of Norwegian matching clothes).
We opened maybe 3 pressies, they had a melt down and then went back to bed.
Breakfast at our local place with lots of attention from all the out of town visitors that are staying at the hotel next door! Then a short walk to the Empire State Building so I can get my coffee fix (thank you *$).

They are back in bed and we have settled in to watch Star Wars marathon.

Can anyone say perfect day!!

May your day be all you hoped it would be.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Twas the night before Christmas...


The kids are napping for the last time today. At 7pm we will bathe, bottle & book (night before ... well you know) and then off to bed they go. The first Christmas Eve for Mimi & Pip. This year we haven't bought each other any gifts because we just don't have the cash.  However, we've wrapped up first feeding spoons, some sippy cups and various 'next stage' eating items for the kids. To our surprise we also have quite the stash from friends and family.

DH and I discussed what experience we would like to create around the Holidays.  He is Presbyterian Jew and I am an agnostic Episcopalian with Buddhist tendencies. The kids are both Jewish since we had the briss and naming ceremony. 

So here is what we came up with. 
Each Hanukkah night we will light the candles and say the prayer. We will give gifts to each other that we made not bought (gives us something to do on rainy fall afternoons). 

Christmas Eve we will volunteer thru a secular organization.
We'll have a fancy lunch out at one of the nice restaurants in town and then come home for bed, book (night before... yeah, yeah) and a cup of English hot chocolate (real milk, cadbury chocolate). New PJ's every year for everyone.
Just before bed we each get to open one present. 

On Christmas day we'll go to the movies,  have bad Chinese food and then open our big present.

I think we have covered most of the various value's!!
Of course, the day after the 25th my secret plan is to go on vacation - somewhere with a kids club ;)

L'chiam,  Blessings and a very Merry Christmas




Thursday, December 23, 2010

Period. Full stop. And stuff

I got one. A period. I wondered what all the bloating and cramps was about. Well, I found out this morning. It was kinda weird to see my period again. After all, I have hated the sight of it for so long.  The BFN'ness of my period was the absolute worst evidence.
Somehow, today,  it was reassuring. Something familiar. Even the cramps and that soft skin feeling I get was groovy. Since I am officially working from home till January 3rd I slept for most of the morning. BLISS!!! Then I pottered down to Union Square to the Christmas market and got a really frikkin' expensive hot chocolate.

Kids
Both went to the peds for their 4 month check. Pip put on two pounds (phew) and Mimi put on one. She is tall (75%) and he is still small  (3%). I couldn't care less. They are healthy and happy and eating and pooping and learning and as of last night ... very close to sleeping through the night. They got four injections and I think all the screaming and drugs and drama helped.

Since little Mimi slept all thru the night,  when I was cuddling her this afternoon and she fell asleep I just let her be (in our sleep training method the idea is to soothe to drowsy then put down to sleep). Man cuddling  a sleeping kiddy. Oh joy without name. A very cute, very sleepy cuddle bug and she's all mine. I can see why going from family bed to crib is such a hard route. The nanny knew I should be working and came to take her from me ... oh no you don't. She laughed and backed off.

So, looks like another slice of old and new are coming together. New new. New life.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Not what I wanted

We were on the brink of the worst of the sleep routine. The major crying was supposed to be last night. I hired my old night nanny since I am totally wiped (long boring work story) and I don't know if I can take the serious screaming by two babies. I would be a total wreck.

I went through what I had been doing, the plan, the outline for the night.

She didn't follow it. She fed Pip at 12.45am and didn't feed Mimi at all. They were both supposed to get a focus feed at 10pm then nothing till 6am. She got them up and bathed waaaaaaay too early. WTF!!!!
Of course the kids this morning were wigged out. They do not like change.

She is coming again tonight. I am writing out the plan and going through it on paper so she gets the message.

For some reason I am furious. I guess it bites my arse when I work so hard to get these kids into a healthy sleep routine and she just ignores me. I employed her to sit through the hardest of the crying (because I am a whimp!)

Monday, December 20, 2010

Sleep sleep sleep

I was asked what approach we are taking. It's a mixture of things but it looks like this:

1. We watched for natural sleep times (theirs is 5pm) So we bathe, bottle and bed form 5-6pm
2. Put down drowsy but awake (we try to read to them every night but if they are tired we put them down)
3. Compassionate crying - they cried for about three days when we first put them down. We would go in and soothe until they were fast asleep.
4. Nap times in the crib (so they get used to sleeping in their cribs)
5. Focused feed at 10pm (this is as of this week coz we are getting to the last step ...
6. Extinguish sleeping: crying it out basically. These guys wake up coz they want their binky or roll over etc. We leave them to cry for 45 mins and then go in, soothe them in place (i.e. in the crib) and leave again.
7. Once they sleep from 10pm - 6am, start moving the focus feed back by ten mins a night until you hit 12 hours.

Step 6 starts tonight. I am totally dreading it. It feels like my heart is being ripped out when they scream but from everything I have read (baby books through to medical journals) it is not harmful and it's quick.
Ideally we should have a full night (10-6am) by the end of this week.

Hot damn, that is an exciting idea.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

A glimpse into the future

There I was, ready to move to the next level - extinguish sleeping. We have gone through calming sleep technique where we help the babies learn to put themselves to sleep. Now, they nap like champions and as soon as we do the bath, bottle, book they are so ready to be left alone in peace to sleep.
They sleep from 6pm to 2am. After that there are cries for pacifiers (damn you binky!!) and Pip usually needs a middle of the night feed

Well, last night we gave them a 10 pm feed (yes, we awoke a sleeping baby) and put them down. I went to bed ready to be up from 2am listening to them screaming their little heads off.

I was woken up by the baby monitor conveying much unpleasantness at 330am. I went in and absent mindedly popped in a binky. The noise stopped.

It didn't start again till 6am this morning. 6am. PEOPLE 6 frikkin am!!!!!!!!!

Whooohooooooooo!!!!! I was asleep for 5 straight hours (in a bed no less, not a plane or airport lounge)  and then back in bed for another 3hr!! I feel like a different person today. I'm sure it was just luck and I will indeed have to sit through hours of blood curdling screaming in the wee hours but it gave me an amazing glimpse into the future. A future where mum and dad go to bed and stay there. A future where well rested babies are up and about with the sun, not the moon. Oh I am excited about this sleep training thing.

I have three more days left at work and then I am home for the holidays.  The great thing about working with total sleep deprivation is that when I get to stay home, it's a breeze!!

Think I am going to break out the christmas coffee recipe - beans covered with a light sprinkling of cinnamon and a touch of nutmeg to celebrate.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Blow me down with a feather!

Well, hell women, with all that support I will totally hang around! If I know folks are getting something from my ramblings then it doesn't feel quite so pretentious!

OK .... on to Operations GTFU:  Field Report 2.
Kids are still not sleep trained in my opinion. According to the book they are. They can sleep for 7-8 hours straight from 6pm. Then they fuss and I have to get up every hour or so. With a full time job and no night sleep (I racked up 60 hours at work alone) I am a bit knackered.

So I went to bed at 7am this morning and Cadet DH was to look after the little ones. I had already bathed and fed them. They were to have 2 hours of play time - takes us to 9am. Then 2 hour nap - 11am. I got up at 10.30am to shower and get ready for a bottle feed and the morning outing.
Had the kids napped?

HELL NO!!!!

I finally got the totally exhausted little buggers to sleep at 12.30pm. I hope they sleep for 2 hours and then we shall go out.

Following schedule: Grade - C-

Feeding ability: Did he bathe the children in the milk in the hopes that they would just suck some up??
Grade D -

Playing with kids: when he remembers, funny and engaging daddy

Grade B-

Cleaning up after kids.

ha ha ha ha ha . Knickers does he.

It stuns me that I am still able to love this confused but well intentioned cadet!!!

Friday, December 17, 2010

end of the road?

Still here, still fat and sadly of the 150 people that read my last post only 1 commented (THANK YOU!) Have I come to the end of this blog? I'm not writing about infertility that is for sure. Not that I am not infertile - I have daily reminders of that glorious fact.  Odd, how such a productive person had such a troubled time producing!

Perhaps it time to start a different kind of blog? A family blog perhaps. One about twins? Not sure. What have you enjoyed reading over the past year?

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Fat arse and not groovin' ... HELP!!!

OK, I am really really fat. I have more fat on my body than every before in my life and I am not losing it. I am not even trying. I have 90 pounds to shed and I am going, if you can believe this, in the wrong frikkin direction.

What can I do? What did you do? I need your inspiration and ideas here folks.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

One year today

This week, in 2009, we transferred 5 embies. Oh yes, 5. All best quality. I was in the chair, zonked out and the doc kept asking me if I was OK with 5. I remember saying 'I just want babies'. Not a baby. Babies. I wanted two perfect little mushy cheeks. I knew Mimi & Pip were out there somewhere and just needed a way to get to me. 

That transfer was our last shot. We had spent all our savings and we had spent all our effort. Too many losses, too many D&E's, too many hopes shattered, too much and too many. Neither one believed that this last round, with this crazy polish doctor,  was going to work, so we  started planning long ass trips. One to Mongolia, another to the plains of Argentina and yet another to Chile. Child free living meant writing travel books with my dh taking photo's.
And then.
And then
Post transfer I followed doctors very conservative orders and lay flat all week. On the last day I was exhausted and really cold. I took an EPT test. BFN. I reasoned that if I transferred 5 that I would get an early BFN. I wasn't surprised or disappointed. I was kind of relieved deep down inside. I could stop trying, stop with the damn injections, the doctor visits before work, paying HUGE bills, working 12 hours a day full of Lupron.
I had to go to crazy polish doctor one last time (I wanted to drop off the needles I had left over). She looked at me and asked me to go pee in a cup. No point, I told her. Already have. Its over.
She said something in Polish and it wasn't complimentary. I went and peed in a cup.
After a moment she called me over. She had this super smug look on her face and her nurses were beaming.

The world stopped turning. Could it be??? I remember I snarled "don't mess with me" (which given that I am British must have sounded hilarious).

Here you are, she said. I looked at the test. I couldn't understand the damn thing.
I burst into tears. What is it? I sobbed.
You are pregnant. Congratulations.
I don't know who said that because I had my face in my hands weeping loudly. Wailing,  really. I remember lots of people hugging me and then ushering me out of the practice and into a cab. I was told to go straight home and rest, drink lots of water and come back in a few days.

One year ago today.

Mimi and Pip. Mum and Dad.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Happy Birthday Babies

It's been 4 months

:-)

They can smile, laugh, scoot, roll (she can), chatter, coo, self soothe, grab, lick, drool ...

and make mum and dad deliriously happy

Sunday, December 12, 2010

First car trip

We took the babies to their pretend grandparents yesterday. My kids are quite good. As long as they are watered and dry they can keep themselves happy. Well yesterday they turned into devil children. They started screaming the moment we walked through the door and didn't stop till they were back home.

So unpleasant. So not a good sign for going to meet their real grandparents in the UK!!

It doesn't help that my depression has taken hold mainly due to a work situation, which makes me so mad since it effects my time with my family. As if they have sensed it, both babies have been very cuddly today.
I may be down but I am so in love.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

The best of who we are.

This week has royally sucked. Two dear bloggie friends have suffered unimaginable loss and my heart was wrenched in two by their experiences. Both are graceful, amazing women that ought to be celebrated as the best of who we are.
On a personal note, work was awful. Lots and lots of the wrong kind of stress. Long days where I kiss my kids as they sleep in the morning and return home to stand gazing at them,  wondering if they have missed not seeing me at all. But I have kids. And they are safe. And I am so grateful for every second of that.

Today was better. Now its time to grab a few hours sleep before I go away on another f**cking business trip.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Will.

Elizabeth has been reading and commenting on my blog and many others, I'm sure, from the beginning. She always said just the right thing to make me feel less upset or desperate. I started reading her blog liam411.blogspot.com and soon got hooked on hearing about her son great adentures (the marvelous Liam). Elizabeth is married to Will, who recently died at home after battling CF and lung issues. Will struck me as a really solid chap. A great dad and loving husband.
I'm sure Elizabeth would appreciate support right now.
I am so sorry for your loss, Elizabeth.
Eb

Monday, December 6, 2010

Paige

Dear Paige
I wish he could have stayed too.  Whatever a stranger can offer at this time I willingly offer it now.  
Eb

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Urgent - please read

ttp://theturningofpaige.blogspot.com/

Please go visit Paige and lend support. She just lost her baby. Paige, my dear sweet friend, I am so very sorry.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Operation GTFU

RE: Field report: 1.
GEO: Deepest darkest parenthood (eastern seaboard)
Time: 21 hours

All is going remarkably well. DH tended to the children on his own for 4 hours today (I was singing in my concert) He pushed the buggy, he cleared up, he ordered diner, he cleaned up and he went out to get me ice cream as a treat.
And I got wonderful foot rubs and head rubs.


OMG I love this man!!!!!! He is getting up at 6am so I can sleep for a couple hours before looking after the kids all day tomorrow. They are getting really good at the feeding thing - they feed at 8-10 and then not again for about 6 hours. Mimi can go for 12 hours. They still fuss though. So I will be up from about 3am. An hour and half deep sleep will really help tomorrow.

How cool is my man. And my kids who are laughing up a storm these days. In between the screaming and hissy fits!! So today that is me... Miss Happy

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Concert week

Tonight is a 5 hour rehearsal for the Christmas Concert I sing in every year. Its a big choir and a very high standard. We've been rehearsing every Tuesday since September. Well, I am a total faker this year. I sometimes know what the notes are and.. well sometimes not so much. 

This year I told DH if he didn't want to come he didn't have to. He isn't coming. Operation GTFU is off to a rocky start!! That having been said he did put his breakfast stuff in the dishwasher this morning proving that he does know it exists.

I have noticed that since having the kids I dislike pressure outside the home. I used to love practicing my music early in the morning or late at night.   I used to thrive on madness but today I am behind closed doors hoping no-one comes in with yet another f**king emergency. I want to go home, put my jeans on, wrap the kids up in the stroller and go to the park. Or have a really long nap!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Last and Final Twins and Marriage

I waited for Clooney to call and he didn't so I decided to go ahead and speak with DH about 'the list'.
I got a weekly planner thing and he agreed to commit to contributing.  I wrote down the very basics that we need to get done everyday on a planner and asked him to take 50%. He agreed.
Then he said that he doesn't read planners and would forget.

You have to laugh.

Or spear him with my Jimmy Choo's since they no longer fit my flipper-sized-post-pregnancy feet.

I will persevere. I will grow a man so my baby boy becomes the kind of partner we all want! It sounds like I am building the six million dollar man. We will rebuild him.

Project 'Grow the F+ck Up' is on!! (hereafter referred to as PGFU)

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Twins and Marriage 2

Thank you for your comments. They were really helpful. I also asked the support group I go to and my therapist. The advice boils down to:

1. Ask before you nag
2. Speak before you yell
3. Perspective before drama
4. Praise before criticism

Easy rules to remember and I shall attempt to follow them. I did try to explain to DH last night that I was frustrated with his lack of overall involvement and that it was becoming a problem for me. He went pale and all he heard was "I'm divorcing you'. I am not and will not divorce this man. I told him when we married that if we were going to go through the ceremony, divorce was not an option. Well, at least until either George Clooney or Colin Firth wise up. Or both. .... ....

where was I?

oh yes, my marriage.

So, I'm thinking of asking him to agree to this list of things he is totally responsible for.

1. Trash - taking it out every day
2. Kitchen bookending: clearing it up first thing in the am and last thing at night
3. Ordering the kids formula (a little risky I admit but we do have my boobs as back up and a pharmacy across the road)
4. Making the bed every morning
5. Providing us with a meal on Thursday night.

What do you think? It gives him clear goals, a common understanding of what success looks like and will help him navigate how he can contribute.

Or is just insulting??

Monday, November 29, 2010

Twins and marriage

Every book ever written on marriage with twins says the same thing - your marriage will be tested. I examined our life together and tried to prepare for this. And yet. I am failing at either finding a balance between my expectations of what needs to get done or I have unrealistic expectations of my partner.

My level of frustration is getting higher with each moment of action not taken, responsibility shrugged or jobs ignored. I feel less and less attracted to a man that acts like a boy. I do not want this resentment in my life or marriage. I have seen what it can do and I wish with all my heart not to stumble into that bleak future.

He speaks about his emotions and expresses love for myself and the kids. I need to see him act on those intentions. I need to see him physically doing things in service to our life, our home and our family.

What can I do? What has worked for you? I need your thoughts on this one.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

unrocking chair

Dutailier Nursing Grand Modern Style Glider with Built in Nursing Pillows - Model 996 is a piece of crap. It cost $650 ON PROMOTION! and after two weeks the rocking mechanism has crapped out. Just another thing to add to the list of to do's

Nothing is easy right now. I am having a really hard time.

Friday, November 26, 2010

A world of difference

Pip was a spit up kinda fella from the day he was born. As you may remember he's a small little lad - in the 3% - 5% group. Well, the doc gave us baby zan.tac to give him three times a day.

WOW!

It's been a week since he started the medicine and he has doubled and sometimes trebled his intake. Mum is so proud ;-) The best thing is that the spit up has been dramatically reduced as has the screaming after meal. What a relief.

Ironically, Mimi just vomited over herself! Then smiled! That's my girl!!

Hope you all had a lovely gobble gobble day.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Wha??!

Last night I had a 'work do'. I don't drink but my colleagues do and did to abandon! One of them casually slurred into my ear
"when the boss goes you guys will be history, you know that, right?"

Well, yeah, I kinda figured it out but holy shite lady, i just had twins! No-one wants to hear that sort of thing. Right now I'm wigging out. I am the sole breadwinner of the family. WTF!!!

I've already set up two 'just in case' offers but still, my stomach is in knots and my boobs just stopped producing milk. I got about 1floz this morning. Stress anyone.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Boob Juice

Thought that would get your attention!
Since neither of my kids wants to actually eat from my actual boob I am pumping as often as I can. Up to every three hours. Usually it is every 5 hours. I get about 1- 2 floz at a time (except in the am). I only have one working knocker and the other has a few milk ducts working but not many.

Here's the question - how to increase supply? I would like to get up to 10floz - is that possible??

I love the weekends but I love the weekdays more now. The kids have an amazing nanny who is calm and wise. I come home and they are happy kids ( or soon to be happy kids if I get home near bath time). Today she made a huge pot of chicken (balsamic marinated chicken - I kid you not). The kitchen is spotless and there is a sense of 'calm' I get when she's looked after the kids.

Cool.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Sleep wars

Damn, sleep training is hard. On paper, it looks so easy. And on paper, my kids are doing well. They go down without a whimper now. Mimi sometimes chats herself to sleep and Pip can whimper or cry a bit but nothing dreadful.

However, neither sleeps through the night. We are at a cross road as to which approach to take. One philosophy says if your kids go down, slowly phase out middle of the night feedings so they don't all weired out about night time hunger. The other philosphy says let 'em cry. It's only hunger/a wet nappy and they will soon get over it.
Clearly the screaming will be a bit of a nightmare! But if we get to where we need to go.. a solid 12 hours of snooze for all, then I am all for it.

What did you do?

Friday, November 19, 2010

The plays the thing.

LOVED going to the theatre last night. I was super tired and grumpy before hand. If I hadn't promised my friend I would go I would have been in bed! However, I went and I am delighted I did. I love live theater and last night was very live!

However the thing that I loved the most was an old feeling. I have been consumed by my new motherhood role (and happily so) but I have missed the confidence I enjoyed pre-pregnancy. We sat in front of some movie actor ( and in true NY style I pretended to not notice) and then I walked home through Times Square and the tourists. It was a cold night and there was that Christmas nip in the air. I felt almost high! I had this feeling deep inside me that things were coming together.

What a wild ride this is.

Pip and Mimi had their 3 month check up. She is over 12 pounds, long in leg and hits the 75% for girls. Pip gained 1.5lb and grew all round but he is still in the 3-5%. The doc gave him an Rx of Zan.tac to help with the feeding pains. Of course, we want him out of the 5% group but he is growing and healthy and smiling and holding his head up and basically, a wonderful regular kid. ;-)

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Adorables

I deleted my last past. I don't want a fleeting moment of anger to exist on the internet forever.

Pip slept for 12 hours last night. He had a little feed around 12am but he seems to have hit his sleep stride. By 4pm he is whining for his (super long) bath. He loves the water! Then, snuggled in a lovely pair of PJ's he has a little bottle, a cuddle, a story and he's away.
Mimi fights sleep as long as she can. Poor little bugger is exhausted before she finally gives in. She'd sleep thru the night if she never had a wet diaper. She HATES being wet.

Last night, they were both post bath, smelling faintly of lavender and clean baby, and we all sat in our new rocker and had a glorious 15 mins of smiling, sighing and eye drooping.

It's always hard to enjoy one child at a time. I feel guilty when I cuddle one. Guess that will always be the way.

Out to the theatre tonight, first time since they were born. Hope DH can handle them!! In all honesty I am way too tired to go out but I made this arrangement while preggers and totally forgot about it. Ah well, sure it will be fun.

Monday, November 15, 2010

First night away from little ones.

I was OK till I skyped home. Then I burst into tears. My little fella, Pip, looked into the camera and was so confused. He could hear me but not smell me. I don't think they can understand looking into a screen so that must have freaked him out too.

It is nice having time to myself, for sure. My room got upgraded which is amazing and lovely. I went for a walk and ate my meal by the wharf. But my heart isn't here. I miss the weight of Mimi when I cuddle her. I miss calming my boy down and his little hands holding onto me for dear life. I miss the smiles. I miss the smells. I miss the breath and the soft hair. I miss their need. I miss being close by, protecting them.

I feel heartbroken that this is the first full day of their short lives that I missed. I guess being infertile has made me greedy for every moment of them. Insane, I know.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Sunday Nutty Sunday

Oh my what a day. And it is soooo not over yet

They went nuts today. Crying and puking, the whole deal. After hour and hours of screaming and juggling they are finally taking a break. I should be bathing them about now but HELL NO! I want quiet for as long as they can keep the napping going.

In the midst of it all my client wanted changes made to a presentation!! Ass!!!!! I fly to San Fransisco tomorrow to give a presentation and then I turn around and fly home.

I have just eaten an entire pot of ice cream - fat free. I have never eaten that much ice cream in my life, I think I may barf.

Oh no, I hear noises from the kids room. Why does DH have to work till 10pm today

Booo hooooooo

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Weigh in

I lost 1.6 pounds. Yippee. It's a start.
I have a pair of trousers I want to get into and they are winter trousers. Not expensive and not fancy but I have had them for years and they are my 'skinny' trousers. It will take 30 pounds to get into them. Are you ready for this??

I guess this blog will be about becoming a mother. The healthy, energetic, hot momma!

Friday, November 12, 2010

Rocking and rolling

We finally got our rocking chair. Its really comfy and I have rocked a screaming baby into blissful calm at least twice today. Now, here I sit, calm and gently rocking myself to sleep.

We have started cooking again. Well, its more like assembling but hey, it's a start. Out budget has been blown to pieces with one thing or another so we decided to eat in until further notice. We love eating out so it's a bit of a blow but I can cheat - I have to eat out for work ;-)

Gym again today. Longer, faster and I started crunches. Ow! Did anyone else find that crunches really hurt after a C-section? I reverted to Pilate's style crunches.

Quite a few times I feel blissful, especially at night with the kids down and the house tidy. I just love, love, love being a mum. I love that they want to sit with me over anyone else. I love that I can calm them or make them smile. I love that I make improvements to our home in their best interest. Even the tiredness (with work and kids etc) is somewhat blissful - I can sleep at night (I had horrible insomnia) I can sleep anytime, anywhere, anytime.

Guess I am loving this whole thing :-)

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Gym

I went. For the first time in 12 months. OOOOOOHHHHHH so good. I'd forgotten how much I love to work out. Heart rate soaring, legs burning, face bright red. Loved it!! It all felt so familiar, like coming home.

And then I checked my email and Kate has had her baby :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Monday, November 8, 2010

Nice times

Yeah, they still scream. And no, they are not really sleeping through the night although we are sooooo close. But this time, this 3 month mark brings a rhythm that is calming and enchanting. This weekend there were rosy cheeks and warm sweaters, hot coffee and roasted things. There was baths and cuddles, snuggles and TV. There was smiling, oh lots of smiling and goofing around.


I am a mum. Wow, I am a mum :)

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Whachya looking at?

The kids have started to follow me with their eyes when I move around the room. It makes me deliriously happy. They stop crying when I hold them (unless I am being an idiot). Mimi feels like a heavy teddy bear when I cuddle her and she rests her perfect chubby cheeks against mine and coos. Pip has starting smiling for real and boy, he is going to be a soooooo much fun. He cracks me up with that grin. It's kinda lob-sided and cheeky. His eyes sparkle and can see right into your soul. He reminds me of those little paper boys you see in black and white movies.

Isn't it great that this weekend will be sunny and cold! We are all dressing up in soft wool and getting rosy cheeked in the fresh air. I will walk them for a couple of hours, maybe down to the market or up to my favourite coffee place. We shall hang in the park and watch the big kids play. I'll take a book so we can read in the sunshine, or at least I can read and they can sleep under their super warm blankets.

That's what life is about right now. Pottering and bonding. Falling in love. Being loved back. Loving so very deeply, so very much that its intensely consuming. And I have two of them to love!! I have two wonderful kids. When people say "wow you're so brave" or "ohhhh twins, hard!" I just think "what are you talking about? Can't you see how much better this is??" Bet then, I'm biased.

Today's question is about skin. Pip has rough patches on his legs. Not big or itchy. What's with that?

Monday, November 1, 2010

Falling in Love

I am falling in love with my kids. This may seem an odd thing to say since they are about 11 weeks old. I've been fascinated and protective all along but that hopeless "falling in love" feeling that everyone has spoken or written about has taken its own sweet time to get here. I was starting to worry but yesterday was just me and the kids for about 12 hours straight and I was greedy to have them all to myself.
I realised I had missed having them all to myself. Holding Mimi, gazing at her perfection is a gift of indescribable proportions. And when Pip searches for me my heart swells I swear, I think it is going to burst. I know it sounds so streatypical but its true!! I am speechless in my adoration (clearly not -just typed the longest post in weeks).
When can I go home to my kids. I want to snuggle up with them.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Our first Halloween

Whoopee. I love this. I get to dress up the kids, hand out crappy candy and cover the outside of the apartment with spiderweb, pumpkins and skeletons. Best of all i get to scare the crap out of the neighbours dog with our scream box. he he he he serves him right for waking my damn kids up all the time.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Odd physical things

TMI Alert - I have bright yellow vaginal discharge (11 weeks pp). Its a little disconcerting. Can anyone shed light upon this gruesomeness?

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Meds up. Mood up

Yep, I upped the meds. As much as I hate the idea of my mood being chemically produced I was reminded by my psychopharmocologist that my mood is a symptom of a chemical deficiency which is bad for me and the kids. And after two days of upping the meds - mood is much better (less irritable, less angry, less weepy, less tired).

We have smiling - the kids and therefore me. Mimi has the best damn smile ever, she just spreads that smile right across her chops and her eyes light up. And Pip, he grins! I swear ... grins!! They are both so lovely and so totally different. The sleeping routine is a nightly chore however last night Pip slept from 12 to 5 and Mimi from 12 to 6. Not bad for 11 weeks- ish. We are out of cash and therefore out of time with the sleep nurse. I hope she can work her magic before she leaves or else I am working 12 hours at the office and then spending every night up with the kids. I know millions of women have done and good on 'em. It will kill me!!
Please prey for long sleeps. Thanks

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Baby blues

I think I got 'em again. I have started back at work and that doesn't help. Its not the kids - I love' em to pieces. Our savings are close to gone which sends me into fits of panic. Things between DH and I are strained. Its the usual - I don't feel supported or that he is doing enough and he feels totally pressured. Sound familiar?

I am also gaining weight not losing it even tho I am pumping like a bloody oil rig!

Oh I really need to shake this funk. Maybe I should go back up on my meds but is that really the answer?

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Not twins

I read lots of blogs about twins. OK a few. Everyone talks about how their twins are always together, playing together, being together, afraid when they are apart etc.
My twins are not like that. Pip cries like a deranged person if Mimi gets in his space. What's with that? She is quite a bit bigger than he is and she did spend most of the time in-ute kicking his head but what happens if they can't stand each other. We only have one space for them so they will be sharing a room for quite some time. Rather than mirror each other (which I read on blogs is really common for twins) my guys are polar opposites. One hates the cold, the other hates the heat. One likes to sleep in the am the other hates it. One likes to nap in the evening the other hates that. Needless to say, I am knackered trying to keep up. Even with our schedule this is one tiring job.

Please tell me stories of how twins grow to like each other!! And how it gets easier. I'll take any morsel you got.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Poopapaloozi

Since i did the night shift last night DH got up at 7am so i could grab a few hours. When i got up it looked like the house had been hit by a hurricane!! ! I was only asleep for 3 hours. Boxes of food on the floor, baby bottles everywhere, kids undressed and best of all a giant puddle of poo in the kids room!!!!.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Ode to Nel.

If anyone asked me what one thing has made these first 9 weeks wonderful I would say without hesitation - Nellie. Nel is the night nanny. It is a total luxury to be able to afford any kind of help. Luckily we saved throughout the pregnancy to afford Nel. When our contract came to a close a few weeks back she suggested we pay her less so she could stay on. I swear - she suggested a lower night rate and no agency involvement. So I cashed some stuff in and we have her for a while longer.

It's not just the sleep. 6 hrs is a godsend I know. It's not just her reassurance and knowledge of twin development. Its her humanity as a whole. She makes the kids giggle and laugh. She is never in a bad or sullen mood even when she's been walking the floors with a cranky kid all night. She always says 'Good Morning mommie" in a bright tone when I stagger out in the am. She even told me to go back to bed the other day when I was coming down with a cold and worked for free as a baby sitter for a couple more hours.

She works all night and today she is on the cancer walk, she volunteers through her church and she is going to a class to set an example for her son. .

I am so amazingly lucky to have her around to make these past 9 weeks what they were. Tonight she takes her first night off. Hope she has a blast!!

If anyone is having twins and is interested in hiring Nel let me know and I'll pass on her contacts. She's worked all over the world and is perfect for the first three months. She can do night work or 24 hour.

There ... that's my Ode to Nel

Friday, October 15, 2010

FIrst injection drama

Today the kids had their one month injections. They both screamed but Mimi was totally freaked out by the whole thing. Her screams were heart breaking. I tried to keep it together but I was in tears by the time I picked her up. She was so upset. Its been four hours and they are finally asleep. Sod the routine I'm letting them sleep.

They both gained the required 2 pounds. Mimi is in the 50 percentile but Pip is still in the 5%. So compared to other little boys he is very small however he gained his weight and grew in length so I'm happy.

It broke my heart hearing Mimi scream like that. I am still shaken. I can't stop checking on them. Hardest thing so far.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Morning Mum

Now I am back at work I get up at 5am so I can pump, shower and change whilst the nanny is still here. I also get to have a cuddle with one of them. This morning it was Pip that caught my eye. I pick him up and the night nanny lets me know he is a bit 'liquid' (i.e he is throwing up) at which point I get a shower of regurgitated baby formula. Do I care? nope. Coz I'm his mum. How cool is that.

Thanks for the pumping replies - very helpful. I am trying to pump every three hours. I would love to write that this is because I am dedicated to my kids well being however it is more to help the weight loss (ha ha ha ha). What is with the wobbly belly? And the flag arms?? I mean I used to be toned. I used to have cool muscles. I am like Mr Blobby now. When I sit down it takes a moment for my body to stop frikkin spreading!!
So today's question is: what did you do/ are you doing to get in shape?? Are there any cool websites that are dedicated to post partum exercise?

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Retreat!!!!!!

These kids can keep the damn things! For now, we have beaten a hasty retreat on the passifiers - the binky's are in.

Breast feeding Question. Pumpers - how much did you get and how often did you pump?

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Passie War

I made a huge mistake. I let the kids have passies. OK, I encouraged the kids to use pacifiers. Damn you passie devil!!! Here's the problem. Sleep training is on going. Kids are put to bed drowsy but awake. Binky's are in and all is well with the world. Eye lid's droop, arms and legs fall open. Then, boom, passie falls out and the screaming starts.

In the day I use them to help them nap.

Bad mum.

Today is day 1 of the Passie War. I decided this morning that they shall be gone from this home. I lasted two about ten minutes. I am so crap. You win this battle Passie Poophead.

I asked A. (nanny) and she agreed - no need for pacifiers. They are only acceptable if the kid has colic, not GERD. Her belief is that when kids of this age cry it's communication. They are trying to tell you something so let them 'speak' - its the only way they know how right now. Work it out and respond. Don't stuff a pacifier into their mouths as if what they have to say isn't important.

I agreed and looked with fear at the wobbly lip of Pip, as he revved up for an all out ... communication.

Monday, October 11, 2010

calm after the storm

Well that was unpleasant! Little miss (known by her nickname 'mimi' at home) had a bug or something. She screamed for about 12 hours straight and threw up every time she ate. We were all in tears by 9pm. I knew boasting about how well we were doing was going to jump up and bite me in the ass.

I proudly ran through the checklist and she did not have a temperature, she was having wet diapers and she was eating. At about 11am Pip started. Pip throws up anyway, well, sicks up. Sometimes a little and sometimes it seems to be the entire feeding. With two of them it was hopeless, I gave up on the burp cloth early in the day. At one point my T-shirt was so wet through I had the chills!

Anyhow, we stuck to the schedule as much as we could. Mimi would not be put down or cuddled by anyone but me, even when I was trying to change my soaking wet shirt. She did sleep a little but not as much as she would normally. Poor little thing whimpered most of the day.

They both calmed down after their baths and Mimi ate a big last feed and slept 6 hours (with a diaper change at 3am). Once awake she consumed ...wait for it.... 6.5 fl oz. She is 8 weeks old. We all stood around the empty bottle just staring at it, then her, then the bottle again. She ate again a few hours later as if to say "what? no biggie"

Needless to say, I am waiting for 'the' diaper. You know the one.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

sleep training

Kara's Mom asked for our sleep training process.

I read tons of books on sleep training. There are so many extreme theories that are, in my eyes, insanely stressful for everyone concerned. My brother did the Ferber method. NEVER. I took quite a bit from Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Twins.

So, here is our mash up theory ...

We fed them every three hours from the day they were born and we keep a log of how much they eat, what they are like, what their diapers were like (yes, we change every time we feed). For the first 6 weeks this was all we did. As they increased their feeding amount we pushed the interval to four hours if the kids were OK with it (i.e. they were quietly asleep)

When we hit six weeks the interim time between feeds is not just nap.

6am - 7am bath/ dress from 6 - 7am
7- 9am Light nap (i.e. in a bouncy chair or play pen) or play.
9-10am Feed
10 am Activity - outside if possible. At this point looking at tree's is an activity.
12 pm Feed
12 - 4 pm Deep nap (somewhere quiet and not moving (ie not running around in the stroller).
4 - 6 pm Activity. Usually I take them out in the stroller).
6 pm - Bath (or splash), bottle and book (usually the newspaper coz this is THE ONLY TIME I GET TO READ IT!!)
7.30pm Bed.

Now this is where it gets interesting
They stay in their cribs but if they cry we go to them (we take it in turns). We tell stories or read from the paper, sing a song or just put a hand on them and they go back to sleep. For about 5 mins! Sometimes they sleep for an hour, or one of them does, while the other cries.We will pick them up if they are going crazy and set them down when they show drowsy signs. We will bring them out of the bedroom if it is near 9.30pm but not before.


10pm - Big feed and bed.

From now on, if they wake up they are changed/fed and put back to bed. No fussing, eye contact etc. Since we have one baby with GERD he needs more attention at night than the other. He may sleep for up to 4 hours but that is a red letter night! Baby girl on the other hand has one feed and change about 2am and then she is down till 6am.

Here is the secret. Day napping. If they do not sleep well enough in the day we are screwed. The naps are really important. I don't care where they sleep but its calm where ever they are. Usually one of them needs a cuddle but its calm and relaxed wherever we are.

At 8 weeks we're all doing OK I think!!

Friday, October 8, 2010

Sleeping question

we are in the process of sleep training (ohhhh so much fun). Little boy is a good sleeper but his hands are freezing. I know he doesn't like being cold and I think this is part of the reason he wakes up. Hats don't stay on his head and his hands are cold.

We use a sleep sack but I can't find one with gloves.

Any ideas??

Monday, October 4, 2010

Back in the saddle...

Can you believe I am writing this from work. I took off two months and here I am again. I feel like its too soon and then again, soon enough. I have guilt at leaving my kids but relieved to be back in the land where I know what to do most of the time. I miss them and it feels so good to be away for a bit. I think I am may be going insane! I blame it on the lack of cookies. Nearly every morning fro the past 7 weeks I have got the kids down for a nap, poured myself another cup of (decaf) coffee and munched through at least 3 or 4 chocolate cookies while watching the WE.st Wing reruns. HEAVEN.

However

I am still 20 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight as I found at when returned to weight watchers this weekend. 20 pounds. Ah well, it was so totally worth it!! I have upped the amount of breast feeding/pumping, included a longer walk, asked for permission to go back to the gym, cut down the amount of 'fatty' foods (not cut out, not yet) and I am aiming for 1 pound loss this week. Yes, you read it right... 1 pound. I do not want to put any pressure on myself. My first goal is 1 pound, then 5, 10 and finally 20. Once I am back to pre-pregnancy weight I will celebrate by signing up for the tri-boro bike ride and start training. I have a total of 90 pounds to lose till my 'insurance' weight. As you see, it's going to be a long haul but I will not be the fat mum when these guys start school.

So, back at work, back at WW and back to eating healthy.

Friday, October 1, 2010

D&G

Sprogblogger wrote a wonderful post about what its like being the mum in the donor gamete situation. We decided to tell the kids first and go through a slow process of acceptance/normalisation. This is the approach we were counselled through at CCRM.

It isn't too far from the process of adoption realisation.

It is a hard process. I have kept this all important info from my parents and family. I feel like I am lying to to them. My mum keeps asking who they look like. I keep saying they both look like my DH's side of the family. Now, remember, they are mostly 'gone' so it's not like we are all going to be sitting around the kitchen table together.

Who do they look like? Not me. They have the same hand movements as their dad and one has his ears, the other his chin etc. When we go out with them a few people say they look like me. Either they are blind or just being nice.

But here's the thing. I'm a carbon copy of my mother in looks. We are similar in mannerisms but not behavioral development. More importantly I am 'like' my mum in important ways - my integrity, my dedication to hard work, my mothering essence (love, love, love).
My kids have the chance to not inherit my depressions, my fat ass, my dyslexia, my dreadful legs. They have a chance to live without an addictive mind - one that could have made me an alcoholic or drug addict or anorexic or compulsive spender. They will have my ability to stick with it, to work very hard to channel one's energies towards a positive outcome; like persisting through all the odds so that I can look to my left to see my two sleeping children. My daughter. My son. Mine.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

New

New babies, new approach to life, new blog. Or at least new blog title and look. Instead of not blogging, which as we all know is like therapy only cheaper, I decided to change the focus of the blog. It will still be anonymous and I won't show or reveal my family but I will moan, I mean post, about the ups and downs of life as a mum of twins (hereafter referred to as MOT)!

Posts will be short because the kids have a radar for this blog. Every time I open to either post or read they start to groan and move. EVERY TIME
Ah well.

Welcome to the new blog, new post, new me and new kids. Now, I gotta go ... one of them is crying. And I still love them to pieces - what a great mum I am!!!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Last week of freedom - agenda.

It's my last week of freedom here is what I have planned ...

1. hair cut and color. i really need it
2. massage if allowed by doctor
3. mani-pedi (gift from a lovely 'aunty')
4. movies - on my own and I am having popcorn
5. cuddle time - since the nanny starts full time tomorrow I have 3 days of a full time nanny and no work. Can I tell you how frikkin excited I am!!!!
6. Wardrobe - I am going to go through my clothes - donate the maternity, plus size clothes, organize work and play clothes, unpack my gym clothing and find my gym shoes.


Can anyone say yipee.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Issue #1, resolved.

I asked the nanny what she said /meant and it turns out DH interpreted her comments to fit his own agenda. He is a lazy ass and doesn't want to pick them up, find out what's wrong and solve it. She suggested letting them cry for a moment or two to learn what the cries meant. Apparently when she arrived, they were both screaming and he was frantically trying to plug them up with pacifiers when they weren't tired but hungry.

However, I did get lots of great ideas from you guys and have decided to get the books you recommended.

This is my last week of maternity leave. DAMN my two months went quickly. I am 'phasing' back to work - part time and restricted hours but that doesn't mean too much if there is a problem. November kicks in with a high voltage start - tons of travel and massive meetings. I am already a little nervous about the whole thing. So, until then, I shall ignore work and enjoy my kids, free time (once the nanny gets here) and day time tv!!

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Our day.

Sundays, love 'em. No nanny and no DH. Love both but it means I get the kids to myself. I drink tea and try and cuddle. I decided to go with my gut on the picking up topic and ask the nanny what she said to DH and take it from there. She's great but I have a back up, just in case.

My little ones are 6 weeks and the girl is already in size 2 diapers. I couldn't work out why we where having such poopapaloozi episodes. Poo everywhere. Duh! She eats like a horse. She sucks down 90 to 120 ml every 3 to 4 hours. Yesterday, after I was at rehearsals for 6 hours, I came home to kids that ate from 5 - 8pm. For some reason, in the day, they had barely eaten so by the time I came home they were hungry monsters. I breast fed, bottle fed, breast/bottle fed. It was a circus!!

Now, they are asleep (damn I am so tempting fate) and I have some really great decaf coffee and the NYT to read.

Oh crap -she's awake again!!!

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Picking up

So, our nanny told my DH that we should not pick the kids up in the day when they cry. I am guessing what she actually said was let them cry a little bit rather than jump to pick them up. However, what if she didn't? What if this is the first of the nanny wars. She is great with kids, no doubt about that. Yet, at 5 weeks, if my kids cry she better bloody well pick them up.

When did you start to hold off on picking them up??

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Vomitorium

I was trying to feed both kids at once today (to satisfy them, not me) and must have pushed the bottle a little too forcefully for boy since he looked at me and vomited all over me! I am desperate to keep them on the same schedule but they are such different creatures.

Double feedings are so hard on your own. They are desperately hard when one is a gobbler and the other is puker. I am dreading working again and then having to navigate the nights with two babies. One of them is up to 4 hours but the other - not so much. So, do we encourage little girl to sleep for 4 hours or wake her so they keep on the same schedule. She eats a lot but quickly and he eats less and slowly. Whatever we decide I am guessing we are going to be getting no so much sleep! I guess, like all new parents, sleep training is my Nirvana, my goal of goals!

I have had a sore throat since giving birth. Nothing too harsh but annoying all the same. Today, at my wound check appointment, the I asked the doctor for a thyroid test. We shall see.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

worry

The kids got their first shots yesterday - the HepB. According to the doc there shouldn't be a reaction but baby girl is hot. She doesn't have a temperature (at the moment) but she is hot. I do have the nanny helping me today but I'm still worried. She has hardly slept and is super cranky. The kid, not the nanny.

I am also having a hard time giving over the wheel to the nanny. I sound like a spoilt idiot (oh I have a nanny, whaaaaa) but I am a control freak. And they are my kids! The nanny is really great - she is calm and experienced and has been the caretaker of many, many kids. But these are my kids. My little wonders. Oh man. I need to calm down. CALM DOWN YOU CRAZY NEW YORK WOMEN.

Maybe some of this anxiety is that fact that I go back to work oh so soon. Huh. Feeling not so happy today.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Morning

I never used to be a morning person. I used to love sunsets and cocktail time and late late evenings running around a city that seems to be at its best at 3am. I dearly loved having breakfast with friends at 4am after a night listening to amazing music and having loud debates about ... anything in a cute little 'new yorkers' bar.

I still love the breakfast thing but this time my friends are a little shorter and they cannot debate - they go straight to crying! Oh, and they poop their pants. I still find strange things as a result of sleep deprivation - I put the butter in the dishwasher (not the butter dish, the butter), I put my breakfast in the garbage and the wrapping on a plate, i pushed the stroller out of the door without the kids in it and went to the lobby with a pacifier in my mouth.

THis life rocks!

Monday, September 20, 2010

Sleep training

It looks like we are going to start sleep training with little girl. She is eating enough now (at 5 weeks !!) and heavy enough to start getting her down for longer hours. This is a very exciting moment. Feels like all the hard work is paying off somehow. Little boy is still too small and not eating as much as his sister but he is close behind. The last two nights he has been super fussy and only calmed when cuddled. Hope this isn't a trend.

We walked for over an hour today, right down to the far west village. I got a taxi back coz it was near feeding time and glad I did - I am zonked!! I could sleep if I wasn't still too new a mum (I rest but can't sleep when I'm on my own). By the end of the walk I was soaked through. What is with the sweating?? I even sweat when we breast feed. If I could stop throwing chocolate down my throat I think I might lose weight. I so need to - my arse is HUGE. I still have pregnant hips, belly and arse. I balloon out in the middle like a cartoon!! I will return to weight watcher next week and start counting those points again. Wonder when I go to the gym?

Now, if you'll excuse me I have to investigate which little monkey is producing the most god-awful smell.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Rocker /Glider

We would like to buy some sort of 'soothing' chair. There are tons of gliding/rocking chairs out there. For obvios reasons we would prefer a pre-assembled one (do they do that here?).
Any ideas? What did you chose?

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Dreamy Day

Some days just seem to be dreamy.

I got to sleep in, first time since .... forever.
I got to tidy up and wear clean clothes (until a feeding backfire).
We took a taxi, as a family, all four of us.
We put the kids passport applications in without too much faff and even had a laugh with the post office employee's.
We slept on the bed in between feedings, all of us curled around each other, safe and sound.

Kids looked so sweet today - she had a cute white onesy and denim jumper dress and boy wore his first pair of jeans. Totally cute.

Dreamy day.

:-)

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Out and about

Yesterday was another day of wonder and achievement. First of all, I was checking my email when my dad skyped me. It was great. The grandparents got to see the grandkids and they weren't covered in puke. Neither was I come to think of it.

Then I decided that it would be healthy to walk to the hospital (for my wound check appointment). I used to be fit. Remember that women. The weight lifting, gym going chick. Well, I am a flabby hephalump. I put on 40 pounds baby weight and 40 pounds of edema. So far I have taken off 50 pounds. And I am sort of breastfeeding.

Anyhoo. I gave myself 2 hours to walk the 40 blocks. I could normally, well, before kids and 9 months of not exercising, have got there in less than 30 mins. It took me an hour and half. However, I was pushing the stroller and kids so I think that isn't too bad. We had a spot of lunch nr the hospital. I was thinking of walking back but it got cold so I did another first. We took a cab home. I got the car seats off the stroller and then packed it up and popped in the boot. So easy! And I was terrified of doing it for some reason.

Well, now the sky is the limit. I can get me, the kids and the stroller anywhere. I can even take the stroller onto a plane. I might start planning a trip to see my folks for after Christmas.

Best thing of all. The kids were tuckered out. They fed, burped, looked at me and fell fast asleep. Whooooppeeeeeee. I have a secret weapon.

Not here

I was going to write a funny blog about my work friends coming over yesterday but I just read Sprogblogger's post. It sobered me up. She lost her nephew.

I'm so sorry for your loss Susan.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

training wheels

I feel like my training wheels have been taken off! This morning we went to the doctors (girl = 8lb and boy = 7+lb's) and then we walked to my friends work where we hung out for a half an hour. This may not sound much but navigating midtown at lunchtime in NYC is hard enough without pushing a twin stroller. We were out over a feeding so I took some bottles. First out of the house feeding.

It feels liberating!

There are so many little things about the kids that make me joyous. When boy sneezes he does this ...

Achoo, achoo, achoo, ahhhhhhoohhhhhhh

he lets out a little old man sigh. It makes me laugh my arse off every time.

girl has started giggling a little and has found a new sound. Not sure what it means but it makes a change from the only other sounds which are gas and screaming!!!

Both do the baby farting face which cracks me up. Boy holds his ears when its a particular big one!!!

Girl is so strong that it makes me proud - I know they are not genetically mine but she has my blood creating that strength. We are two peas in a pod in that respect. She is strong and confident but is afraid of being dropped. How do I know that? It's something she does when we cuddle and she thinks she's slipping.

Both are grabbing and holding a little now (girl wants to hold her bottle!) and they hold on to me for dear life. In those moments I believe in a god.

TOday at the doctors the we laying side by side and they kept their eyes on each other throughout the whole exam.

Oh so many more little things.


I may have written this before and shame on me if I haven't, but hell bells these kids are the best thing to ever happen to me. They make me and their dad better people.

Monday, September 13, 2010

How proud am I

So I managed. Nay, I did more than manage yesterday I bloody well did it!! After 15 of hours of pretty fussy babies, I had lunch (albeit at 4pm) I tidied the apartment and took out the trash . I managed the single serve fiasco (turns out bottles are a pain in the ARSE) and I got the little girl to 4 oz and the boy to 3 oz.

Today is a mere 12 hours. Ha! And we can go out for a walk, maybe even a bite to eat for me at lunchtime. OK that's a bit of a stretch :-)

I am always OK in the am but by 5pm I am usually a messy tear and snot ridden mum.

Oh c'mon- boy has started howling.


Gotta go

Sunday, September 12, 2010

long day

I'm on my own for 15 hours solid today - ay ay ay! i am also running out of single serve and have to start making the f*cking formula.

Ok, I'll stop complaining now.

Whilst the endless feeding, pooping, puking and screaming is not fun - a cuddle with a sleepyhead with chubby cheeks that are totally enormous and soft - is.

So I shall continue to focus on those moment. And eat chocolate.

gotta go - screaming again

Thursday, September 9, 2010

is it normal ...

my babies pant - like dogs?
my girl is always really hot but with no temperature?
my boy makes squeaking, grunting, wheezing sounds in his sleep?
my boy is about half the size of his sister - they were born exactly the same weight but his head is smaller than hers?

the hep b shot is next week - any advice??

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Feeling .. better

Thank you all. Yesterday was a toughie - screaming babies, yelling mum then tearful mum coz she yelled. Poor DH walked through the door and I burst into tears. Meanwhile he had gone to my favourite jewelry store to get me a little necklace pendant the says "mom" on it. He sheepishly said "Happy Birthday" and I cried even more.

After I cried I felt fine - so at least I know its lots of hormone and not just me being crap. Today was much better. We went for a long walk, even went to a bookstore - ohhh social life - and tonight they did me a huge favor and settled after the 5pm feed without too much screaming. Bless them. I have even done the washing today. I love it when I get things done that seem impossible at 6am when there is screaming and poo and tiredness.

Isn't it funny how the things I accomplish as a mum (and as an amateur musician) may be small victories in the big scheme of things and yet they bring me such joy and without a penny changing hands.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Feelings

I feel guilt. Mostly over breast feeding. I do it and I pump but not enough. This is becoming somewhat of an issue for me. Instead of typing this post I should be pumping. But I have the washing to get, the apartment to tidy, the boy to change (son, not husband) and about three thousand phone calls to make.

I want to just give up the whole breastfeeding thing and then guyilt over takes me I throw a baby at my enormo boobs. I go back to work in three weeks. What am I thinking!!! I should just give up. But I can't . AHHHHHHHHH.

I also feel guilt that I am not totally bonded to the kids yet, that I am bored yet exhausted at home.

OK I should go pump since the kids are not screaming and I have 30 mins till feed.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Ohhh ok.

Captains Log. Day 2.

The creatures have no logic. What works to calm one moment does not work the next. I am trying to work out the alien communication patterns - screaming and crying for no reason seems to be most popular.

They expel waste products at alarming rates. The male creature pooped so much this morning it escaped the protective wrap we devised to contain it. It went EvERYWHERE! I am trying to work out if this was a declaration of war. Or too much milk in the night.

They also change their forms at an alarming rate. The tall one is now growing sideways and the little one is not so little. Over a period of 6 hours he grew at an alarming rate, even after releasing all that waste material

The creatures have a way of mind reading. If I need a bio-break, they start screaming (maybe to alert each other, maybe others like them?), if I am hungry they go red in the face and release a HUGE amount of waste product. They have many distractions and use them very carefully and to great effect. Yesterday I ate at 6am and then not again until late at night when the relief crew arrived.

Ahhh the big one has started screaming again and the cat has joined in. Must. sign. off.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Day One

So today is the day that DH goes back to work and I am flying solo. I am terrified!! Since I already have these guys on some sort of schedule we shall be going out in the stroller every possible moment since they always fall asleep.

Dh has had 3 weeks paternity leave but it doesn't seem long enough. I know, its a fair amount of time in the US but at home, in Europe, the guy can get up to 12 months! Yeah, I know!! In Denmark, we would both be home on full pay for 12 months. Man, that would be sweet.

For the rest of the week, our nanny comes in to cover me for my trips to the doctors and the various specialists I have to go to, which really takes the pressure off since I have NO IDEA how to work the stroller with the car seats in a cab :-)

Any advice for flying solo more than welcome folks!!

Friday, September 3, 2010

Welcome to the tribe ...

When we are the hospital I asked the attending every day to circumsize my son. Each day they said 'yeah, of course' but it never happened. I have spent the last 3 weeks trying to get the someone in the practice to do it since the pediatrician office told me they can only do it at 6 months under general. That was not going to happen to my little lad.

Yesterday my doctor told me that it wasn't going to happen, so sorry etc. However, she gave me the name of a mohel who performed a bris on her sisters kids.

My husbands mother was born Jewish and that makes him Jewish. He is about as religous as I am ( I think I know more about Judiasm than he does and I was confirmed in the Church of England!)

Anyhow, to cut a long story short ( no pun intended) I phone the cantor at 2pm yesterday and he had an opening this morning at 10am. I booked him, phoned my dear friend who was at the birth, is the kids guardian and happens to be a practicing Jew and she told me what to buy, do etc.

This morning, our apartment was transformed in to a kosher house, with a kiddish cup, yamakha's and kosher food and wine. We had a naming ceremony for our daughter (Raisal Brucha - which mean 'little rose & blessing') and the Bris for him (Shimone & Davide). It was a tremendous occasion with singing and dancing and food and wine and loved ones. My folks skyped in from Europe!! I am overjoyed that our kids will be able to explore their heritage on both sides of the faith and I was so moved by the wonderful Cantor and his amazing traditional sounds.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Better than s3x

I was reading that to transition to full time care the nanny should come in for 3 hours daily for a week so the kids can get used to her. Today our nanny started part time. I finally went through the HUGE pile of papers that needed responding to, paying and filing. Then, oh then, we went to bed. No, not for nookie. To sleep. We cuddled up, I on my side for the first time since my second trimester, snuggled into my husbands shoulder, wrapped in his arms. I slept for 2 solid hours. It was way better than nookie.

BLISS!

Our nanny is amazing, we are so lucky. Within moments of her arrival both kids were swaddled and asleep. She fed BOTH in 30 mins and had them asleep ten mins later. It takes me one hour.

I feel like a spoiled New Yorker with all the help we have but with my opened c-section, the nerve damage I got from the delivery (haven't told that story yet) and the infections (picked up a URI and of course, the wound) I am run the f+ck down. I had a meltdown last night (again) because all I wanted was some TLC and sleep. Ahh, such a delicate flower. I feel refreshed and happy now.

To all the moms out there that have to do all this on their own, with no help, I am in awe of you. You are, without doubt, the unsung hero's our societies.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

BP 2 & HP 2

BP is now 120/78 so I am guessing the other readings were just off. The nurse has quite old equipment. The large gaping hole in my abdomen is healing well according to the nurse. She thinks we have two to three more weeks of dressing it. I have it dressed twice a day and yesterday I stopped taking the pain killers. I'm not in that much actual pain and I was getting just a little too fond of the calm buzz they gave me!

Thank you for my birthday wishes.
I wrote, published and deleted a whole post about how much my birthday sucked. I deleted it because whilst it is true - my birthday sucked arse coz no-one in my family including DH, made any effort, the post was toxic. It felt wrong.

Here's the deal: Every year I hope that someone, either my DH or someone in my family, will make an effort. Cards on the table for when I get up, breakfast in bed, maybe a gift. But no-one ever does. I am hurt but it's madness to expect things to change. I have my kids now, I can make their birthdays fun and surprising when the time comes. As for the rest of the family - I shall follow their lead.

Here's a question to the formula mums - how do you know how much to feed your kid? If we let one of our kids eat till he is full it all comes back up again. Any advice?

Monday, August 30, 2010

HB & BP

I'm 42 today. Happy Birthday to me. The kids got me a card :-)

Here's a question for you. My BP was 120/78 throughout my pregnancy (and before). Now it is creeping up. Yesterday it was 140/80 and today its 120/90. What's up with that??? Anyone else have weird bp stuff post birth?

Sunday, August 29, 2010

My truth about PPD

There is always that moment when I open my eyes for the first time in the morning and think - oh man, here we go again - the noise, the arguments, the feeding and changing and changing and feeding. It feels like a tsunami, totally overwhelming.

I usually sigh.

Then I make myself think of my boy and how the little monkey has a particular expression that makes me laugh no matter how crappy I feel. I make myself think of my girls cheeks and cute legs and long hands and how she sits like a basketball player and I smile a deep warm smile.

I usually sigh again, this time a sigh of anticipation. Another day learning from my kids and spending moments gazing at them, cuddling them, stroking their skin that is so soft it amazes me, watching them learn something, find something, see something for the first time. Wait for them to grab on to my thumb or put a hand on my cheek.

This is key to getting me out of bed and moving through those first moments of the day.

During the day, I experience the two polar emotions simultaneously. From one I am more than happy. From the other I am lost and hopeless. Neither emotion wins out completely they just trundle along like two notes played ever so quietly but that clash horribly. Sometimes I feel the supreme & delicate harmonies through all the discordance other moments are cacophony, chaos.


That is my experience of post partum depression.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Rookie mom ... check

I was changing the boy. Again. We had had a quiet morning and had even taken a walk. He was screaming and squirming on the table and I was being earth mother and singing to him.
Then I saw them. Yellow crystals. Oh my god - when my dad had crystals his kidneys were infected. I ran to the phone and called our Ped doc.

He asked me if he had had a big wet diaper.
Check
Was it high up in the diaper and golden yellow
Gulp, check
Was the diaper saturated?
oh. my. god. check


"They are absorbent crystals from the diaper. When he has a super pee, the diapers base usually get saturated and the crystals break free."
Ah, check

"Good call, always call us with any worries. But, its nothing to worry about this time"

Check :-)

Rookie mom!! CHECK!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Miracles

We ate lunch outside today. Outside. Sun, breeze, kids asleep ... wow.

Baby girl has passed the 6pounds mark. little boy - not so much but here's hoping

I arranged for a couple hours of help once DH goes back to work.

Whilst I have an infection in my wound, my healthcare insurance has kicked in so I get the service without having to pay for it!

They have finally ... finally stopped screaming.

I have two kids :-)

My SSRI's are kicking in.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Is this rock bottom?

This hormone depression is the killing me. I am sobbing again, thinking what did we do this for?! Why am I in pain with two kids that I clearly have no idea what to do with. Not true of course. I seem to be able to soothe them. We are figuring out the little things as we go along and i am not really in that much pain.

I guess this is what they mean by overwhelmed. I would be feeling this with one kid or four according to my therapist (who has twins). Sob Sob sob. I am sick and tired of being this insecure mess.I panic at every thought - how much is the night nurse costing us, how much for the nurse to dress the wound, how much for the nanny, where is this all going ... blah blah worry worry.... I miss my old self, the confident and happy women. It seems unthinkable that I will ever feel anything but depressed. I actually felt like I was in free fall this afternoon - falling, emotionally.

Please tell me when you started feeling better again. I need something to cling to. I think, I hope, I may be at my rock bottom.

Monday, August 23, 2010

quick update

I called my doctor. I had to - i was hopeless and anxious, falling head first and unable to cope. She doubled my SSRI meds and ordered me to take my pain meds.

It worked. There was a moment this afternoon that was ...happy. i was cuddling my little girl, the boy was fast asleep nearby. For the first time in a long time I felt happy.

I don't have time to write a longer post or comment on others but I am reading when I can.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

fear and resolution

Well its been a tough couple of days. my post partum depression seems to be hovering on the edges. Its a strange feeling, somewhat familiar since I had a serious depression many, many years ago. It scares me and covers my day in grey cloud of anxiety.

Physically things have had a step back. I developed a hematoma (sp?) and yesterday it made itself known. So I spent the evening at the ER getting prodded and poked and packed. If you are unfamiliar with the C-section joys, as you heal there can be a pooling of liquid (in my case blood) that needs to be dealt with (like dry rot in a house). We didn't get home till after 1am. Thank all that is that we have a night nurse. I now have to have a nurse visit every day to treat the wound.


OK enough moaning. I am tired and weepy but who isn't after birth. We have tons of help. We have amazing friends that rally when we ask them. And best of all, my kids are fine. They are growing and fun and cuddly. They know who their mum is and were upset when I wasn't there to feed them last night. Our regular night nurse starts tonight and she is motherhood personified. And our wonderful nanny hasn't even started yet and she wants to visits to make sure I am OK and meet the kids.

So a minor set back and many things to be grateful for. I'll have a good cry and then hustle to get my little lad his breakfast otherwise he'll yell at me!!!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

quick check in...

Finally home. Its a long stay in a hospital if you've never been in as a patient before.

Here is the story.

My doctor asked us to be in the unit by 630am to have a hand count done on my platelets. Little did I know that she had had to move heaven and earth to get this approved. Good job she did coz they came back at 85K. I could have my C section under an epi and not general.

So, we prepped. The epi was a breeze. I was nervous but excited about meeting the guys so I think I was in a very cooperative frame of mind. The guy found the spot first time and with no pain at all. Then they lay me down. My edema was really bad and had spread right across my body so my stomach had to taped in all sorts of weird places to get it out of the way since everything else was so swollen. Then they brought in DH. He was great, a real rock star. They had to work hard to get my guys out and boy was it a show. Everyone was hanging over the drape to get a better view. Suddenly there was a wail and another and there they were. DH was encouraged to stand to look at the girl and in the process saw my insides, on the outside, and he nearly passed out but didn't. They were so cute and we got some amazing moments before they had to whisked away.

I was whisked away to recovery. I had lost lots of blood so the rest is a bit of a blur. All I remember was being turned to the side to get the 'liquid' off the table and people looking at one another. DH said that there was buckets of the stuff all over the place. After being given a ton of injections, tests and pills I got into my room by late afternoon and got to hold my kids then and there. The boy was bruised but such a cute little guy and the girl is so brave and strong. They smelled like heaven and have been really good to us so far.

Then everyone went home, including DH, and the kids got wheeled off to the nursery so they could attend to me a bit further. However,by midnight I was out of bed and went for a short walk.

Over the past few days I have had about 4 hours sleep and I didn't even room- in!!! I was checked on every hour and tests done day and night for two full days if not more. Finally I was allowed an uninterrupted night last night and I had insomnia!!

Now I'm home, in my own bed, and ready to sleep. The pain has subsided and my emotions are quite stable (at the moment).

There is so much to tell you. Still deciding whether to post a photo or not - you know why.

Friday, August 13, 2010

2x 5.5lbs !!!!

Two perfect babies delivered via a trouble free CSection.
One very happy mum (and wonderful dad).
This Has been the best day of my life.

Thank you everyone for your support. More details when I can.

:-)

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Twas the night before christmas.. UPDATE

Hi, its me again. Turns out my platelet count is down to 65K. BOOOO. So I have another draw tomorrow and if they can get it to 75K by running what's called a hand test (counting by hand?) I can have an epidural. If not, I'll be out for the count. Bummer. However, I still get to have my kids tomorrow whatever happens.

------------------------------------------


I am officially prepped for C- Section action tomorrow.

BP= 120/78
temp - normal
NST = 140 range for both bambino's
Weight - out of control but who cares

C Section time - 12pm. We got moved back from 2pm which works for me. Dr K said if we get there at 9am, do another platelet test (she's worried it may have dropped below the 80K range) and then they will prep me and have me in there asap. I may get to meet my monkeys early. I get to meet them. I am so frikkin excited. DH is a wreck. Very quite and moody!! I, on the other hand, feel like it's the best Christmas ever! I'm not even nervous about the operating room.

The sinusitis is under control with the pills the doc gave me. Still feel kinda crap but with all the excitement its just natures way of keeping me from over doing it today. And, by the time I leave the hospital I shall be fine - where better to recoup from sinus problems!!

Wish me luck and I shall see you on the other side. Thank you everyone for reading, supporting and helping me along this very long, hard and wonderful journey.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Ohhhhh c'mon!!!

I have accute sinusitis. Thanks to my husband bringing home a cold.
As long as I don't develop a temperature Friday is still on.
How much grovelling should he do???

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

3 till we meet

I think we should get the " the best support group in the world" award. I do. I think you guys are really cool and always there when I need you. Thank you. I had a good cry last night and spoke to my support group (over the phone) and feel a whole lot more positive and excited today.

It's a big day in the Eb household. The coffee maker is out of retirement. Oh yes, my friends, she's back. This officially signals the end of my pregnancy. I didn't trust myself to limit my intake to one cup a day. Hell no. I'm onto my second large cup of decaf already although I'm not actually drinking it. I have it close, in my favourite cup, my winter cup that I snuggle up with when the winter snows come. When it's not 95 degree's and humid outside and I can wear grey wool. Sorry, where was i? Oh yeah ...

I took Elizabeth's advice and wrote a schedule. I love timetables and lists and organisation so it was pure pleasure. We will be napping on the go twice a day since I want to get out and about even if it is for 30 mins at a time. I printed a log to track feeding, sleeping, bm etc. It has 364 pages in it since the moron at Kinko's left the original on the copier!! I have bottles cleaned and ready, diaper bags packed and Ad.vil bought. I organised the kitchen back into a working kitchen (we have been doing take out nearly every meal). I got my sneakers and gym gear out of storage. I am one happy camper.

As my nephew would say - three more sleeps. Three more sleeps till I meet my son and daughter. Wow.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Big baby mamma

I had a bit of a meltdown today.

I have no biological family coming to my big day. In fact, i have no biological family seeing the kids till October. Why? Because that's what they have decided is best for them. It's not the first or last time I'll go through some monumental life moment without them but each time there's a conversation when someone asks for permission, asks to be let off the hook, to be made to feel less guilty about not being there for me. And each time I go along with it and say mind numbing platitudes so that everyone, except me, feels that all is OK.

This time I didn't say it was OK but I didn't let them know that I feel lonely and afraid and it would be nice to know my family put me before the beach holiday or the weather or their own fears.

Maybe that's why I started this blog? Maybe that is why I should start a new blog when my lovelies are here - a mommy blog as Kate put it. It won't alter the family dynamic or get me to state my needs explicitly which would be the healthiest thing to do but I will hear from you - from the folks that understand, and that make a difference. I will feel connected.

I'm such a spoilt brat, moaning that no-one loves me when in fact I am surrounded by love. Love of different sorts and different expressions but love non the less.

Maybe I am more anxious than I realize :-)

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Ahhh Sundays

My DH works on Sundays and so far I have had a lovely quiet day to contemplate and indulge. I slept till 1030am (the first time I have slept past 8am for probably 20 years) and then had a decaf iced cappuccino. OH MY GOD how gorgeous are they!! I also bought English chocolate from the local store (weird that they have such a good selection) and will watch crap TV all afternoon before my ball of anxiety comes home!!

I've been thinking about this blog. Once the kiddies are here I may stop blogging. We have followed the psychologists advice and not mentioned to anyone that these kids are Donor Egg babies. That's one reason I have been so backwards about posting photo's here. We want them to know first. Once they understand, and if they are ok with it, we can tell the family etc. Apparently this is the least traumatic way for them to find out. Wonder what their reaction will be? Wonder if they will want to search out their gamete donor? We don't have anything written down about her or anyway of finding her other than through Dr J so that might be a little difficult. Funny the things I have started worrying about so close to the delivery day!

Whatever happens, I shall never forget the support and community I have experienced through these past two years. It was a surprise and a blessing. It was the only way I have survived this process and it is such an important part of the story.
Thank You.

Friday, August 6, 2010

UPDATE>>>>>I'm a freakin' whale

DR K called and she booked me in for Friday @ 2pm. Yipeeeeeeee. only one more week to go.






huge, huge, huge, and the only place I am comfy is my bed. I guess that's what the home stretch with twins is!!

I have a ton of PIO needles and three vials of PIO going to whomever wants them. I have had two injections of PIO per week throughout the pregnancy coz it helps with placenta function. Well, happily, the sharps box is sealed and sent back to the service, the needles are packed up and there will be no more crime scene on Sunday nights as I spurt blood all over the place.

Let me know if you want the PIO and needles and how to get them to you. May you enjoy them as much as I did!!!!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Any day now...

Had a sono today and they weigh 12.1 pounds. She is 6.6 and he's the rest. They look squished but healthy. Huge sigh of relief! He has grown enough to be back in the 50% and she is breaking all records with a showing in the 60's.

Turns out I am the problem. My platelet count went from 125 to 111 last week. The difference in reading has my doctor concerned. She did another blood draw today and if we are 100 or under I have to go in for a C-Section "immediately" . Given that my platelet count has been going in the downward direction since the beginning of my pregnancy it looks like next week is the week. Right?
The blood draw women didn't think there was a rush on the testing so it can't be a total emergency.

Just to confuse me, and therefore you, the Dr then said if the platelet count is stable, or goes up, then we will wait, maybe even to the 20th. Oh OK then. So it's an emergency unless it isn't and then its another two freakin' weeks. Argghhghgh.

I feel anxious, even tho everything is ready. Bags are packed, blood thing is registered, Dh has time off arranged, night nurse is booked. I know DH will freak about this being up in the air, he is so not good with not knowing. Hell, he isn't good with knowing but at least he won't ask me 1000 times what's happening. Maybe I just don't say anything till the blood draw comes back. What do you think?

On a positive note -I ordered some really lovely cotton clothing from JJi.ll and it arrived this morning - so I will have comfy clothing for my week in the hospital.
.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

NST

Non Stress Test results were great. It was a bit of a weird visit tho.

There are two new nurses. One is so totally useless that the Head Nurse ( who I adore) had to apologise to me even tho I hadn't complained. This is why.
Useless nurse asked where the babies were - so I said, last time they were breach, so here and here, pointing at my orb of a belly. She put the first round thing on my belly but we heard nothing. She sits there. Then moves it to the left.

"Mmnn" she mumbles

Yes, she actually made the 'oh dear' sound

In swoops Head Nurse and orders her out. Head nurse feels around my belly and says "Looks like they have moved head down I think, yes, here we go. I am so sorry about that, can you sense the frustration??" Two heartbeats, healthy and happy.

In walks BP nurse.

" Ohhh your BP is really high, 130/88" she growls (think of the Simpson sisters... yeah that's right)
"Try the big cuff" says I,
" Look at that - 120 /80"

Yeah, oh look at that, you moron.

This is one of the top hospitals in the US. I just hope the L&D/Maternity ward is staffed by better nurses.

But who cares - my monkeys sounded great, no contractions and my BP is normal. And here we are ... in the home stretch. 10 days from today. Holy Crapola!!!!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

All signed up ...

...with the CBB folks. Amazing how quickly I can sink wads of cash when it comes to these babies. Here's how it works - you pay a ton of cash and they overnight the packets to you. When I go to the hospital I hand it over and then afterwards, we hand it to the courier and that is it. Easy.

Today I had wonderful plans. I was going to go to the movies, swimming, maybe a walk. I did nothing. I woke up tired again. Totally, knackered. I did the paperwork and manage a lunch with hubbie. Yet, I am drained. I can barely move. Is it a sign? Am I going to go into labor like ... today?

Can you sense the anxiety??

What signs did you have?

Monday, August 2, 2010

CBB

Thanks to everyone that responded. I have decided to do it. We'll go with a private service since we used a donor and pray we will never need it. The arguments that were most persuasive to me were that the science is changing and developing every day so you never know what it might be used for in the future.

So that is tomorrow's job. I also have to fill out the paper work for the nanny payment which run at nearly 40 pages!! Should be a fun day.

I went swimming today. Oh it was so glorious. I don't think I'm supposed to be exercising but I had to do something. My legs and feet were so swollen. And the blissful floating was great. Getting out was a little mind blowing. The weight of the babies feels 10X worse! After my little swim I walked over to the English fish and chip shop and indulged in a 'fish supper' (fish and chips and peas). By the time I got home I was almost asleep on my feet. I slept for 2 hours. What a great day.
I think I shall swim tomorrow too. And maybe go to a movie. Might as well make the most of the free time I have. I can do the paperwork in the afternoon. Yeah right!!

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Cord Blood Banking

Did you do it? Are you thinking of doing it? What's the skinny? I am not sure if it's worth while or not - read myself into analysis paralysis.

There are equal medical arguments pro and anti. So, I leave it to the far wiser, far cooler bloggie sisterhood to guide me.

Friday, July 30, 2010

BP

I phoned the hospital after I got my platelet count back - 111 (lowish) coz with that super high blood pressure reading I was a little panicked. The nurse laughed and said my BP was 124 not 224/88. Stupid NST nurse managed to freak me out for no good reason.

I checked it again with my acupuncturist in the afternoon (after 3 litres of water) and it was 122/82. Not so bad.

I feel weird though. I feel anxious and kinda 'off' but in an emotional way, not in a physical way. Guess its all about the anticipation now. DH is being weird too so that doesn't help. Maybe I am having hormone changes? Or maybe this is normal - towards the end of a pregnancy, in a heat wave, with swollen everything!!!

Thursday, July 29, 2010

35 weeks + Paraskevidekatriaphobics

Well, here we are at 35 weeks.
NST (non stress test) went well - base of 140 and 150 and the placenta's are good for another week. My blood pressure was really high for me - 224/88 (I'm normally 117/78) but the head nurse wasn't too worried. I've been feeling a bit crap this week. It's a combination of no sleep and I mean NO DAMN SLEEP and the physical discomfort. Everything is either under pressure or swollen. I don't really care but it makes movement a thing of the past.

Today is also my last official day of work for 2 months. Wow. How amazing to be able to write that sentence. I know its not exactly a holiday but it is two months without dodging knives and political bullets. Oh joy unbridled.

I'm surprised that lots of friends have commented about the C-section being on Friday 13th. Happily, I'm not superstitious ( in this case I do not have parakevidekatriphobic - a morbid fear of Friday 13th).
For me Friday 13th is specifically routed in a christian doctrine and since I haven't been blessed with a faith (christian or otherwise ) wouldn't I be a dreadful hypocrite to suddenly believe in its associated superstitions!

Life is hard enough without all the whirly gig of superstitions, don't you think. If we make it to Friday 13th (and honestly I'm not sure we will) it will be the birth-day of my little monkeys. My not so little monkeys. My lovely and funny and much loved, little monkeys.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Pushy New Yorker sets time and date for C-Section

So I have been here too long. I just pushed my doctor into setting a day and time for the C-Section. She agreed to a tentative date August 13th @ 10am



HOLY MOLY !!!!!!!!!!!

Can you believe this?? I may meet my kids in 15 days. 15 DAYS. OK need to take some deep breaths. And eat some ice cream.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Small Babies

Not here!! Not my monkeys. My monkeys, especially the boy have done an amazing job over the past two weeks


Boy baby grew 4 weeks in 14 days so that he is spot on (34 +some days)
The girl is one week ahead - YES!! One week ahead.

Whoooooooooooo Hooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So in honor of the absolute joy I am feeling, see below - my 34 week belly shot :-)



Friday, July 23, 2010

And the date is...

...undecided. Yes, my friends, Dr K didn't want to set the date. She goes away on vacation on August 14th and thinks ... THINKS... we may be delivered by then. OK. If she is on vacation then "someone will do it". Well, that's a relief.

WTF

I am feeling a little less than supported right now. DH is in a permanent negative vortex of worry, my folks aren't coming over coz it's too hot, Dr is going on holiday and I am here, as big as a house, trying to keep it all together.


So in order to have some fun - lets start a book. If I was a betting women, I would put money on August 11th. No idea why. None. Just feels like the right date. What about you? When do you think its going to be??

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

What we got ....

A nanny! We offered 'A' and she was delighted. B was pissy. My fault, I think I was too enthusiastic with B. Ah well. Lesson learnt.

A pediatrician! Met an amazing doctor that preempted all my questions and made me feel great.

A delivery date (sort of). Tomorrow is week 34 and I am going to ask for a c-section date. The mental focus will be good for me coz right now, I am hot, fat and uncomfortable. So, we will have an end in sight.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Oooofa!

I am not at work again today. Officially working from home. As of yet all I have done is answer phone calls and procrastinate. Ihave two months of executive summaries to write!! I have a whole conference proposal to wrote and all before August 1.

Why August 1, I hear you ask?

Coz that is my official 'I don't care what is going on at work I am on my' maternity leave. Oh yes, my dear friends. I will be off work from August to October. ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH.Can you believe it!! I am so nearly there. Wild.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

That was then, this is now

This was last weeks NST



And this ... is a week later (Friday)





OH YEAH!!! I am an eating machine .... grow babies, GROW