Saturday, August 21, 2010

fear and resolution

Well its been a tough couple of days. my post partum depression seems to be hovering on the edges. Its a strange feeling, somewhat familiar since I had a serious depression many, many years ago. It scares me and covers my day in grey cloud of anxiety.

Physically things have had a step back. I developed a hematoma (sp?) and yesterday it made itself known. So I spent the evening at the ER getting prodded and poked and packed. If you are unfamiliar with the C-section joys, as you heal there can be a pooling of liquid (in my case blood) that needs to be dealt with (like dry rot in a house). We didn't get home till after 1am. Thank all that is that we have a night nurse. I now have to have a nurse visit every day to treat the wound.

OK enough moaning. I am tired and weepy but who isn't after birth. We have tons of help. We have amazing friends that rally when we ask them. And best of all, my kids are fine. They are growing and fun and cuddly. They know who their mum is and were upset when I wasn't there to feed them last night. Our regular night nurse starts tonight and she is motherhood personified. And our wonderful nanny hasn't even started yet and she wants to visits to make sure I am OK and meet the kids.

So a minor set back and many things to be grateful for. I'll have a good cry and then hustle to get my little lad his breakfast otherwise he'll yell at me!!!


  1. Ugh - sorry you're having a hard time physically - and emotionally. And you don't have to apologize - that's what we're here for in blog-land! Thinking of you, and hoping it gets easier so quickly that you are hardly able to remember when things were hard like this. Take care.

  2. Don't forget your hormones are crashing...that's gonna leave a mark, and no matter how welcome a change is, it's change, and change is difficult!
    It sounds like you are surrounded by love and care.

  3. Sorry to hear that you're having a tough time, I hope the skies clear quickly for you and that your body heals quickly too.

    I am pregnant with twins (expected to arrive in December we hope) and am just starting the search for the night nanny - any recommendations on what to ask and how far in advance you booked yours? I completely understand if you're too busy and tired to answer. Take care of yourself!

  4. Sweet EB!
    Good lord, I am so sorry about both things, pooling of blood, and pooling of emotions-- I hope you are able to vent both enough to heal in ALL ways. So very glad you have such a wonderful support group for the logistics, and hope you have the same for your Self.

    sending love, and hopes for quick resolution of all things,

  5. I don't know if you're medicated (or care to be) but from personal experience with depression (and a family history), I know myself enough to accept how dangerous it is for me to tackle it on my own. What 3 weeks on Zoloft does for my clarity and to release me from the clutches of despair is remarkable. Do whatever you must to conquer the demon lurking around - it's the very last thing a new mother needs.

  6. Do be sure to take care of yourself!! It sounds like you have a wonderful set of people to help you take care of the babies and remember that we are all here if you need to 'talk' to people not surrounding you all the time! Even about the bad stuff! (It can't possibly be *all* joy having just had major surgery and two new little lives to care for.)

  7. Hematoma draining does NOT sound fun. Hope you're on the mend. Some of the pp depression feelings are normal hormone fluctuations and you'll feel better soon. If not, please let your OB know. But I do hear a ray of sunshine in your voice. Despite the difficulties, the babies are pure joy, aren't they?!

  8. Hi EB,

    so nice to hear from you. I'm so happy that you're home with the little ones and that everyone is well.

    To be quite honest, I was completely overwhelmed by week 2, but I've been trying to stay off the meds. I give up - and I feel better for it. I popped 2 xanax yesterday and started back on Cymbalta :-)

    I love, love love them so much, but I am completely over my head here. And my DH has been awesome. Last night he ordered me to bed at 7pm and I slept until 5am!!! I was crying all afternoon - it was horrible. I can't imagine being a single mother with twins.

    I hope you're doing well and email me anytime.

  9. Glad the babies are good, and you are healing. What a nightmare to have this pooling problem after all the other stuff you have been through! But let yourself have a good cry (ice cream seems to help me) and know that it will get better every day. Be careful with the pp depression, if your doc recommends the drugs I'd take them. Take care!