Monday, August 31, 2009

Hello in there

I have a ton of follies. I had my first u/s of the cycle. Don't you just hate CD2 u/s? Ick. But there they were - hanging out for all to see. My lining looks good at 7. 7 what I wonder? 7 inches? No, can't be. 7 maids a singing? 7 ducks a squawking?

I had the butcher of Cornell this morning for my blood draw. So pleasant. thick Russian accent, hands like plates and a crap aim. Then I had the little sprinter - there is this one chick that basically runs you to the u/s room. it's hilarious - everyone groggy since it's so early, everyone mumbles and is embarrassed since they just yelled out your full frikkin name to the room, and off she goes. whoooosh. I always have to ask where the little nurse went when we get past the nurses station!

My u/s was done by the infamous Dr Davis. oooohhhh. Hello hoo hoo. He asks if he may enter the room, is kind and courteous and then rattles through the next steps. I never listen. I just had a wand up my hoo hoo. I am thinking calm thoughts. Anyway, when they phone tonight I will let it go to voicemail so I can listen at my leisure.

My bad mood hasn't lifted. I am basically depressed (EL I think) and my bad back has returned (EL again - did you know EL effects your bones and cartilage?). I could do with some TLC but DH has his own drama right now.

Ah well, short week and long weekend is acomin' .Can't ask more than that.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

One more round... Happy Birthday to me...

Yes, I am 41 years old today. I spoke with my mum this morning and she complained "oh it makes me feel so old having my youngest at ... 41!"


And of course, since it is my birthday AF arrived! But we tricked her didn't we. She thought she was messing up my birthday (just like she did my wedding night - oh yes, oh yes she did) but HA!! CD1 of our cycle. What a birthday gift that is. Here we go. I am at once excited and totally nervous (heart and mind racing). I know I haven't had to wait as long as some on DE but still, one day is too long to wait for my kids.

I need adoption recommendations again. My DH tidied up the office and threw out my damn file (he is a little confident that this cycle is going to work). Not that I think this is not going to work but I want to start filling out paperwork etc so I take the pressure off and don't waste any time. So, if you have any adoption agency recommendations please let me know.

CD1. WOW. Today, someone that stopped blogging when she got pregnant through DE announced the birth of her twin boys. Funny how timing can mean so much. Here's hoping.

Saturday, August 29, 2009


If I get preggers I can't go to weight watchers. It's illegal! seriuosly ... illegal. WTF. There is no way I am going to trust myself to be a healthy pregnant eater. I shall find a healthy eating group in the city somewhere. This is NY, there gotta be something.

Weigh in +3.4 plateau anyone! Mind you, I did eat Chinese food last night with friends and its PMS week so hopefully I can drop it next week (once AF turns up... you listening AF, yes you). I have decided to go to maintenance which means adding 4 points a day. That way I will not increase my weight through food (just drug weight which usually drops off three weeks after the last shot for me).

So the birthday weekend has started. So far I have got tons of chocolate - which I will give to the guys downstairs. A bunch of English ginger goodies - which I will cut up and freeze for special occasions. We are going for a french meal tonight at a really lovely bistro in Soho (think I might go for seashell stuff since I might not be able to in a month :-)). And Sunday (which is the day) I am going to get a massage, go to a movie and cuddle my cats. My furry babies. And dream of .... oh you know.

Thank you all for your lovely birthday messages.

Susan Graham singing Ave Maria at Kennedy's funeral is one of the most lovely things I have ever heard.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Ohh my my my

EL is kicking me up and down Manhattan and out to NJ. I feel like I am in emotional pain. Still no AF, although the doc thinks it will show up tomorrow. PLEASE. I am consumed by emotions at the moment. Super focused on getting through or to the bit where I know if its worked. I feel myself slipping into a tunnel - excluding DH and everyone else. I guess this is survival mode.

It's my birthday this weekend. Wish I was less EL'd. I am meeting a group tonight to celebrate and DH and I have diner on Saturday. I want this to be my last baby-less birthday. I am meant to be a mum. It's who I am. I want to be a mum with a birthday. I don't want to be barren women with a birthday.

Ohhhh. Am I in a pity pit!

OK, here I go ... trying to climb out. Things to alleviate the crappy self pity....

I had a bath with all the lovelies that my DH got me - wow!! Amazing, super and slept like a baby afterwards. I am doing that again tonight.

In my attempt to not lose weight I have gained about 5 pounds this week!! Should be freaking out but I am not. It's just part of the journey.

It's Friday. 'Nuff said.

My cat is getting better. She is down to half meds and a check up on the 9th. Tube out soon after if all is well. And she is super cute. Follows me around like a little black furry chick.

How are you doing?

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Quieter than a pixie's armpit

There is no-one ... NO-ONE ... on my floor at work. Even the really annoying loud guy is out. I can hear the air conditioning. Good job coz I am in jeans and berkies today!! No make up and my hair has dried naturally to something resembling a birds nest. I am too full of EL to give a flying crapola. AF PLEASE START - can I bribe her, beg her, oh man make it start.

I POAS again this morning. What is wrong with me! I am thinking about whether to POAS after the transfer. It is clearly in my nature. Oh yes. But. In my new Zen state of mind shouldn't I honor the process of implantation? Give the little one some time to settle in before I hassle her/him/them? I could start to anticipate rather than dread the mornings.

Oh who am I kidding. Might as well order a batch of EPT's online.

This whole, no diet thing - kinda liking. I went on the ww website and it says I have to eat 4 more points a day to maintain my weight. That is like, a croissant! Or another healthy snack. I am still working out for 2 hours in the am which might have to stop. Mind you, working out is a bit of an exaggeration. Right now I am walking for an hour (2-3 miles in 1 hr) and then i have my trainer. However, as I write this I am struggling to stay awake. I think I shall drop down to one hour of walking and some stretching. Or if my past experiences with IVF hold true, do sweet naff all for the month.

Tonight I am going to break into my wonderful gift from DH. Bath salt scrub, soak in some minerals and then a generous rub down with the cream. Did that description boarder on the edge of porn for anyone else?? Hopefully AF will arrive in the next day or two and that will be the last of the baths. I don't take really hot ones anyway - bad for your veins apparently. I take French baths - deep and luke warm but with lots of lovely smellies in them. Why French baths? No idea - its the L.upron talking.

Happy almost weekend folks :-)

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

What my DH did ...

I have the best husband in the world.

He has been worried about the EL fx and how tired and stressed out I must look!

He surprised me with a humongous gift basket of my fave bath oils and soaps and massage oils.
For no reason at all! Not an early birthday present but 'just because'.

I love you MB and I am so honored to be trying to create a family together. You are my star.

Don't actively diet ...

.... that's what super coordinator said to me. she discourages actively dieting on a cycle. What does that mean? Don't lose weight or eat what you want? I guess it's not the last one although I would be pretty happy if it did mean that!
I have decided to try and maintain my weight. Which means what tho? I will eat my points , all my points and and my exercise ... oh fuck it. I shall eat healthily and regularly.
Last night I went nuts and had Turkish food. Lots of bread, garlic and yogurt. Ohhhh so good. Passed on the carbs for 8 hours. Needed a IV of pure caffeine this am tho.

Still no AF. According my calculations today is the day. According to them Saturday is the day. I am having cramps and back ache and joint issues so she is around here somewhere. Bitch. Oh look at me, potty mouth. Sorry.

started getting really worried about this thing not working. Its not just my eggs after all. DH has dodgy boys too. Deep breath. Deep Breath women, step away from the ledge of panic. It is what it is. C'est tout, as the French say. If it doesn't work out I'm going away somewhere exotic and expensive. I am going to go to a beach and live a life of total luxury. And cry. Cry an ocean of tears. But in a luxury setting.
If it doesn't work we might have the no kids conversation. Wow. We are that close to having the no kids conversation.

Ok, did I just fall down a Debbie downer rabbit hole?

Looking forward to maternity wear and the lovely NY Autumn that is almost here.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Oh man...

So for most of the summer and spring things have been really quiet at work. Well now the floodgates of hell have opened. I am swamped! Just in time for my cycle to start. In the olden times of pre IVF I would relish the adrenalin rush. I would be so happy to be working past midnight and back in again at 6am.
Yeah, I was a total loser.

Now I recent every frikkin moment of it. I want it all to go away and leave me to wonder what is going to happen this time.

So I need another way to 'be'. I am still wagging my jolly little tail - sort of. And I have a couple of days till AF is supposed to arrive and I can get sweet release from the EL. I am eating everything that isn't nailed down so I shall be gaining some weight this week but I have already given myself a pass.

I need to find the calm rhythm of the fast paced life I work in. I need to find the flow. Confidence should help. I am, deep down, totally under confident about,well, everything. So I panic and start cranking the adrenalin whenever I get a call from a client. Deep breath. All is calm and cool. Whatever it is I can do it or tell 'em I can't!
My boss is away for 3 weeks which really helps.

By my calculations I should start my AF pretty soon. My last CD1 was August 24th. In fact, lutial day 14 is tomorrow I think. Ohhh, I could be close, really close to not feeling like an alien. And to being on cd1 of my first DE cycle. Scratch that. CD1 of my ONLY DE cycle.

Keep your good thoughts coming and post a comment. I could do with all the friends in the world right about now ;-)

Monday, August 24, 2009

What is a curly wurly???

See, that is what's wrong with America. A 'curly wurly' is a long thin candy bar - caramel covered in milk chocolate that is just so yummy it's not even worth trying to discuss this. (I reread this and thought - wow, didn't intend to sound so... oh bitchy!!)

Yes, EL is kicking my head in and laughing while doing it. I could barely do my time at the gym this morning (thank the world that West Wing plays during my treadmill time). I am achy and tired, depressed and yuckky. Oh this sucks. I was wondering if I ought to mention my weight loss to super coordinator? Doesn't the dosage depend on your weight? I shall drop her a line.
It wasn't this bad during the mock cycle.

As I write my staff are trying to coordinate a 4 week travel schedule from hell. And I get to stay here. Evil laugh here. Nights in my own bed, with fat cat and slim. DH massaging my back when the EL attacks my muscles. My lovely deep bath. Oh yes. As much as I love going on the road, I much prefer staying home, especially right now. And since everyone is annoying the bejesus out of me and I am getting paranoid it's probably best I stay. Don't cha think?

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Hot. Rainy. Sunday.

By hell it's hot. I have all the various cooling agents on including the velocity fan!! Poor miss kitty is swooning with a fit of the vapors and mr kitty runs around for a second then falls over with a similar fit of the vapors.

The EL is doing my frikkin head in. I HATE IT. It makes me totally mad, crazy, nuts, crackpotty (shut up, that is word) and all the rest. I got up this morning and burst into tears. Why? No idea. It's Sunday. I tried doing my singing exercises - ha! abandoned and went for a coffee. YES A COFFEE - WHAT ABOUT IT!!

Sorry. I want to start a face book page - Haters of EL. 'cept it would defy the point of this anonymous stuff.

I POAS again today. Still nada Phew. So I think I am well and truly not preggers and this cycle is, so far, ok. Ohhhhh just think. This time next month it will be cooler and I might be lucky enough to be hurling down the loo, falling asleep in my soup and crying because it's Sunday (again) . I will be thinking about warmer socks and maternity wear. Where we would actually put the baby (yeah, we could plan ahead but why take away all the fun).

I am impatient to get on with all this. So come on AF lets go sweetie. I know you usually hang back till the worst possible moment but if you do I will find you and it will hurt. You, not me.

Oh and breakfast this morning - a toasted bagel (Oh yeah) a curly wurly (English candy) and a bar of English chocolate. I love have my free of diet day.

Now excuse me - miss kitty is demanding my attentions, stroking a velvet belly... mmmn Sunday.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Weigh in and EL update.

First of all, I love my weight watchers group. What a bunch of misfits we are. One women has twins from IVF and she is regaining control of her life after three years of mayhem, an ex military guy wanting to renter the world in a physical sense, crazy runner lady that does tons of marathons (and steals booklets but that's another story) and then fighter - lost 70 pounds and counting despite her family history. We all gather early on a Saturday morning in a dingy basement and each week I leave feeling so uplifted and part of something special.

They remind me of us.

We are a ragtag group of people from all over the country and world. We are all shapes and sizes, ages and demographics. Yet we strive on. We've committed to trying this thing that will end in life, one way or another. Even when we experience death and despair as an equal part of the journey we strive on. Even when we are forced to make choices between this life and that, we strive on together. We move forward, sometimes by staggering and sometimes by soaring.

We rock. Pure and simple. We rally around the person in need the most and support them no matter what is going on in our own lives. We celebrate with each other and shield members from those invading assholes that would cast judgement on the way we chose to live and love.

I am so proud to be a part of this group. I can honestly say, without you I would have given up ... no, given in many moons ago.

OK back to my weigh in update.

For those new to me I go to W.eight W.atchers and each week I write down my loss or gain. I do this so I am held accountable to those I admire since I made the pledge four months ago to lose 30 pounds. Or was it 40? I decided to lose the baby weight BEFORE I have the kids! I can't remember the exact number since it has become irrelevant. I will keep on the plan whether the kids come or not because I like what I see and I am like how I feel.

Stop rambling ... so sorry.

So... today I lost 3.6 pounds! YIPEEE. Big smile, oh so big right now. I celebrated by buying a new pair of running shoes. There is a place nr us that measures your feet - I have lost a whole size! They are cute runners too. Can't wait to try them out (today is a rest day, boo!)

I lost weight despite EL. WOW, it is kicking my ass all around town. Yesterday I thought I was going to either cry or hit someone - anyone! I even got annoyed at people on the street that had the audacity to speak loud enough for me to hear. I live in NYC. It is impossible not to hear each other! Poor DH said the wrong thing every time he opened his gob! We have diner tonight and have to take the evil stuff with me so I can shoot up in the bathroom. Better be a nice place!! Nothing worse than a grotty bathroom, needles, bad light - makes me feel like a junkie in a bad 1970s film.

Anyone got any antidotes to the EL? Oh and by the way - to prove my complete lack of mental balance I POAS again this morning. Yeah, really. Spending all this money on DE because my eggs don't work and I am POAS before the transfer just to make sure I am not preggers.

Friday, August 21, 2009

ICWL week

Hello to those visiting from ICWL week. This is the first time I have done it so I shall follow the lead of others and a BIG HELLO to the two new followers.

Background for those that don't already know:
We have been trying to have a baby for..ages. Married to a creative chap and we live in NYC. We have tried 4 IUI's, 2IVF's and we are now on our first Donor Egg cycle. For those that don't know what that is ... we get a donated gamete and inseminate it with DH's sperm. Then, with the 65% chance of success, we pray for a healthy implantation, gestation and birth. I will be the babies biological mother but not their genetic inspiration.

I go to Cornel.l for treatment and so far I have been pregnant once for a nano-second. I did have a natural pregnancy but I miscarried at 11 weeks.

I have also just lost 30 pounds in order to help the DE process. Since I have started L.upron (Evil Lupron EL) I am hungry ALL the time!

Meanwhile .... my worry about being pregnant. I POAS this am and got a BFN. YIPEEEEEEE. never so happy to see that bright pink line hanging out all solo. So my tail is wagging I am barking less and have even treated myself to a detox at Bliss Spa in Soho. It is the same cost at a regular massage and I get to be scrubbed, rubbed and wrapped for 90 mins. You know why I am doing this? Because I want to shed the 1.6 pounds my weigh in told me I had gained last week. OBSESSED! Well, that and the fact that it will totally freakin rock!!

I am also meeting colleagues that I really enjoy hanging out with this afternoon and we are doing an off site - going to the movies!! It is totally boiling outside (or hotter than a badgers arse as we say where I come from ) so movies and gym are all I plan to do today.

I am highly irritated and have a damn headache - I hate EL - but at least it feels like AF is on her way. I would say 4 days. Every day is one step closer to trying again. It seems weird that this is our last try. Our last hurrah.

fingers crossed.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Well, that didn't last long - update

OK - I hate ending the day on a gripe so .... back by popular demand --- Miss Kittie... in her new little outfit .... just look at her !!

I thought I had spotting yesterday so I totally freaked. I just need to calm down. I shall take a EPT tomorrow just to be sure. I am sure you are all right - its my wacky hormones. Anyone had mid cycle spotting? I think I am CD27.

But the real pisser today is that my vacation is over. I had to come into work. Why? The arse I work for.

My boss is driving me nuts. I work for a HUGE organization and he is the Chairman. I am an advisor (not legal but strategic). Yet, the ass wipe consistently gets me roped into research projects. WTF??? He is paying someone not in our network to be a strategist when he has my entire bloody department. And you know why. The other strategist is a guy. YEP. I work in the 1950's.

While he gets ready for his three week vacation, I cut my 4 days short because I was dumped with a neurotic client. To make matters worse the neurotic client has met the other strategist and thinks I work for HIM!! NO BUDDY - THE OTHER GUY'S THE FRIKKIN VENDOR!!

So whilst nutty client is demanding the doable from my group thanks to the vendor's mismanagement I have decided to take the situation in hand.

1. educate the client as to whom is in charge on our side
2. educate the vendor as to whom is in charge on our side
3. educate my boss when to call me in and when not to

It just makes my blood boil. I really hope I win the lottery so I can start my own foundation and NEVER have to hear this bullshit ever again. Some of the bullshit...

  • I was 'accused' of being a feminist because I didn't change my name when I got married (I did but I use my maiden name for work) I replied "thank you!" and walked away.
  • I was asked to make the coffee by a client! I replied "no thanks, just had one"
  • I saved 1.6 BILLION dollars of business and it was put down to my girlie charm (ironic since I am built like a rugby player)I replied, "yes, charm, and the advanced degree's in negotiation, proven intelligence and dedication to the client issue". The ongoing management has been given to... yes, two old white guys that created the problem to begin with.
Roll on maternity leave.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Worries and thoughts

I am worried I am pregnant. Yeah, how about that for weird. I even POAS - BFN. But I keep getting obsessed that since I started EL I will be pregnant naturally and have to have a D&C etc. I guess I am used to such clockwork goings on down there that this post D&C wonky cycle is freaking me out. Not that we are a couple of newlyweds - love how IF treatment messes with the one natural process that can actually help.

Maybe I am pre-menstrual. Oh yes, please. Let it be that. The way I am working out I wouldn't be pregnant long, that's for sure. I even had to stop running today coz of blisters. I am so proud of myself.

I even walked away from *$ today. I walked away from a post work out cappuccino. Boooya.

I am taking it easier today. Lot less housework. Lots more cat cuddling. Cat is in her new tank top - she is a black cat in a pink and orange vest. So cute it hurts!!! Now if only my office could stop calling ....

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

hot 'nuff for ya

Oh man, make it cooler.

I did my first EL shot last night. I was excited and boy was I quick! I used to be so careful and ohhhh so protocol aware. Now, wham, done. ha! a veteran!

So my vacation starts today. Fun. have been doing housework for hours and it is so not nearly over. YUCK

I am going swimming tomorrow come what may.

I am hungry today. Is that EL? Or is it PMS? Or is it both? Whatever the reason I am worried about putting on more weight this week. I went up 1.6 last week - which my leader put down to my new muscle. She expects me to drop weight this week if i stick to my points. Well, in the week I do but at the weekend, ohhh no. I think this weekend I shall go for burgers and milkshake. And whilst I am on the food treadmill a steak would be nice. So would be the pasta dish from Lupa - the one with sausage. and apple pie. Oh dear god I am hungry.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Ovulation what now?

So according to super coordinator I have already ovulated. I knew it!! If she had let me use the OPK I could have told her when instead of getting up at 6 to get to the hospital for b/w this am.


I start my Lu.p.ron today (hereafter referred to as EL - evil When I get my period (which she has down as 29th) I am to call her. WE ARE ON OUR WAY!!!


What if I start earlier than the 29th? Will that mess up the cycle? I shall email corny.

And on other news.... cat got the all clear this weekend. We can go back to feeding her twice a day and step down on her meds. By the 15th (Sept) she will have her tube out. PHEW!

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Sunny Sunday

Well hell, thank you Illanare
I'm supposed to pass it on. And I will, but next week when things calm down a bit. Did I tell you I am taking most of next week off? Oh, it can't come soon enough. I am going to use my gym as a spa vacation. Swimming, classes, training, massage. It will be, in the colloquial of my native tongue, the dogs b*llocks.

DH has gone into some very odd phase. He tidied up the hole (or studio as he calls it) including my stuff?? And then he offered to come to the supermarket?????? WTF?? Now, don't get me wrong. He is a very patient, loving man. But there are things he has just never done. Shopping for one. We have been together a while and he has been to the supermarket with me 3 times during our time together. Whatever the reason, I'll take it!
I wonder if he's nesting? I hope my body doesn't let us down. I still haven't ovulated but I go in tomorrow for b/w. I think I'm supposed to ovulate the middle of next week so I'm not too worried. This waiting is a bit frustrating but you know me, I shall fill my dance card so I don't have to think about it!
Happy Sunny Sunday all.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Waggin' on the run.

I love working out. I am a good student of the gym - learning the most effective way to do this or that, which muscle group does this or that. But I'm built like a rugby player and my natural ability is strength stuff - weights, weights and more weights. My arms are solid as are my legs.

So today, warming up on the elliptical machine waiting for my trainer I thought .... mmn, not doing it for me. I looked at the treadmill and said "go on, just try it"
You see, my secret dream is to be able to run. To be the kind of person that talks about the runners high and thinks about which marathon to train for. I want my kids to hold that bronze New York Marathon meddle in their tiny, sticky hands and think 'wow, my mum ran all that way'.

So I walked onto the treadmill and punched in the numbers. I took the speed up to the highest walk I could manage and then I punched in one more time. My feet lifted up, I lent slightly forward and I started jogging. I punched in again and I started running.


I ran for a minute on and a minute off for 15 mins. I could have done more and tomorrow I will. Weight loss rocks!! In these remaining 4 weeks before transfer I want to reach 15 mins non stop running.

This gives me something to think about other than the DE cycle, the possibilities and the dreaded hope.

Friday, August 14, 2009

OK Wagging back in motion.

You're comments made me reevaluate all my panic. I am too NY for my own good. So, I calmed down and went to my wonderful acupuncturist, had a major cuddle with the cat and a good nights sleep.

Today was DH and I had to go to Cornell for our blood work, research & Process consents and pap visit. For 20K you would think thy would find nurses that could draw blood! Poor DH looks like a pin cushion! Then she tried me. Same problem. The regular technician turned up and wammo = 10 viles of blood in under 30 seconds!
And then the pap. Do they ever get any better. When they say "you may feel a little pressure" what this particular crappy intern meant was 'I have no idea what the frick I am doing and so you are about to experience quite a bit of pain'. It's rotation time at the hospital and boy does it show!

So, we are up to date with our blood work, our research and release papers, all our physical exams, our psychological evals and our medicine.

We are ready to go!! YEEEEEHHAAAAA! Our DE packet from the hospital was the size of a large file when it arrived thru the mail. Now it is a sliver, a wafer thin mint.

On another note... I was awarded 'one lovely blog' by Illanare. A big thank you and wow! I am supposed to pass it on but right now I have to run around like a headless chicken.


Thursday, August 13, 2009

Bargaining power - update

Super coordinator called. I went in today to see if I was ovulating and the answer is no. Mmn. I maybe going back to the 35 day cycle. So she said "come back in on Monday and test again. we shall push the donor start date by a week just to make sure you are ready"

I have a really bad feeling. Oh my, oh my. I feel like this is not going to work. Think I am gonna throw up. Oh crap. I think DC will mess up. I think my body will be all funky and not care. I think the donor will flake or not have good quality eggs. I also have ovulation pains. Maybe I went through menopause last week and didn't notice.


And so it starts.... the bargaining with whatever higher power there may be...

Over tip the the taxi driver on the way to the hospital
Smile at everyone just in case
Be reallllllllly nice to the tech
Smile to everyone on the way out

Maybe if I do all this you will let me get pregnant?

ay ay ay. I am such a rational person. I study cultural irrationalities for a living. However, I am wearing a good luck Maori charm from NZ for this cycle! I am being super nice to everyone just in case. I am thanking 'something' every time I get a taxi without too much of a wait or the person serving me at *$ is pleasant or something positive happens!!

In truth I am swinging from excited to terrified every single moment. So many DE cycles work but 35% don't and I have never fared well with luck.

I must be clutching onto a notion of 'faith' because it seems to be the only way I can cope. What do I believe in ? Life. Or to be more exact the power of kinetic living interactions ( I sound like Tom Cruise!) I believe every living thing adds in some way to the whole experience of existence for the others. I believe we are all responsible for each other. Which, I know, is the tenant of at least 3 religious texts however I do not believe that we are creations of something omnipresent and all knowing and the h/she/them have a plan for us.

I know lots of you have strong faith in your organised religious groups and I am in no way negating your faith or doubting your belief. As I heard in a movie once - I am not blessed with faith. And at times like this, I wish I was.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Marching bands

it was like walking around in a bloody oven yesterday. NOT congenial for wearing a suit.

So tomorrow I go to Cornel/l for my first day of DE cycle (not cd1, just first day of interaction). I know from my mock that they call later in the day with results so I have decided to go to acupuncture as normal and let the answer machine get the instructions. I am excited to the point of maybe celebrating with a croissant for breakfast from the Pain Quod nr the hospital ! I know!!! Crazy me.

DH is back to asking me a 1000 questions about DE all of which are answered in the f**king packet. I just say 'I don't know, look at the packet". READ THE INFORMATION BEFORE I DECAPITATE YOU! Makes me so hoppin' mad. If we get pregnant and we have a boy I am going to teach him ...

1. how to look for and actually find something before asking me
2. how multitask
3. how to read the given instructions BEFORE asking someone else what to do
4. what a supermarket is for
5. that washing clothes is more effective if you look at the damn labels BEFORE throwing them into hot water
6. that he does not have to have a marching band celebrate his magnitude when he does something for someone else.

and breathe.... ok... maybe too much decaf this morning. Oh for a cup of coffee, an espresso. ohhhhhhhh.

I have decided to take most of next week off. My calendar is clear since I was supposed to be in Europe. I shall use my gym as a spa - swim, exercise, massage, pedicure etc. I am going to sleeeeeeeep for hours and hours. Oh yeah. And maybe, just maybe, read more blogs about DE!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Hot as a badgers arse

I'm not good with heat. Well, that's not true. I am great with heat by the sea or up a mountain. I am not good with dirty heat - new york in august heat. Heat that turns everything to rotting masses and then clings to your freshly laundered clothing. Virgo anyone??

Work is mucho quiet due to the fact that I was supposed to be at a Spa in Europe about not. So here I sit at my desk, waiting for clients to get back to me and googling success rates of DE cycles. I even investigated maternity clothes and nannies before spitting twice and jumping over a burning stick. What was I thinking! How could I curse myself like that?

I got up early this morning to feel cat and go to the gym and now its 10.15am and I am dropping off at my desk!!

Ahhh another surprise pregnancy for a co-worker. We have been trying the same time as I have. Starting to feel like I am standing still and everyone else is dancing.

Monday, August 10, 2009


Little cat has something near her incision site. Freaked me out. She is eating and sleeping and biting if you annoy her, which is all good. The VA will assess her at 12 and then let me know if we have to go back to the f**king hospital. Oh god please don't let this be anything.

I am a little all over the place emotionally. One minute I am OK and then wham! anxiety. Totally normal I assume given we are going into our last pass cycle, cat is still sick and the bad news this weekend. Deep breath. Smile (apparently our brains can get tricked by our muscles). I feel like I am slowing down - moving in slow motion. I wish we could just go to a beach somewhere and forget everything for a week.

I think I start L.upron on Thursday. The start of the donor egg cycle. WOW. We have decided that DH will drop off a sample so we have some backup if needed. Although, he has lost 15 pounds so I'm hoping that has a beneficial effect on his lads.

Oh please let this work. Please give us a break and let this all just work out. Let it be uneventful and smooth. Let it work. Please.

Sunday, August 9, 2009


I am still excited about the DE cycle but my excitement has been put on the low light. Not because of one thing or another, undoubtedly there is pain out there, but because I have been taught something these past few days.

The pain of my fellow bloggers out there has put my journey into perspective. The IVF and IUI's have become my focus. It feels like I have been swept away with the medical side of things, the increased possibilities and the drugs etc
My focus is not getting pregnant but to become a mum. I want to be a mum. Whatever that might mean, in whatever form.
I do have a family - my little cats and my DH. Have I let them slip into the background. Yes. That is how my little one got so sick - I didn't take care of her, didn't notice she stopped eating or that she was too quiet. I was so focused on losing weight, getting pregnant, drugs, injections, money blah blah... that I didn't do my best for these furry purries that have given me unconditional love for many years now.

So, out of all the heartbreaking darkness this week, this is my light. It has taught me to care for what I have as well as hope for what I will have, soon. One way or another.

Saturday, August 8, 2009


Shocking and deeply sad. Wish there was more I could do for her.

Friday, August 7, 2009

And off we go...

THANK YOU for all your comments - I was overwhelmed!

We have our second psych eval at 4.30 today and then I need to get a bunch of tests done (Melissa might have mentioned them before but she's crap) such as thyroid function and prolactin. And they would be ...?

I am still giddy with the excitement. I worked out for 2 hours this morning to try and burn up some of my energy! I managed to do 40 reps on the chin up machine which was a first. Killed me but I did it. I love working out. It's like being a big kid in a cool playground! And my gym is full of pregnant women. I looked at their bellies and instead of my heart missing something I felt full up with hope.

I decided that to really understand that this is a first time. Each experience with IUI's and IVF have been different and my expectations or assumptions did me no good. I don't want to operate from a position of fear (here comes the wagging again).

There is a great story my mum told me that is my guiding principle in this cycle:

Buddha and his apprentice were going on a long journey so the apprentice could learn 'the way'. His apprentice was eager to be off but instead of Buddha walking through the large wooden doors of the monastery and onto the first road of many he asked the apprentice to make him a cup of tea.
Quickly the apprentice put the water and the pot and the tea on a tray and took it to his master. Buddha studied the cup, the tray and the tea before selecting which leaves he would like to taste. The apprentice quickly threw the cup of tea together and handed it to his master.
Buddha sat, quietly, studying the tea.

After a long while the apprentice burst out "oh master, why do you study this tea? I have made you hundreds of cups of tea before!"

"Yes, you have " Buddha responded, "but not THIS cup of tea"

Thursday, August 6, 2009

I have the dates!

Retrieval will be on September 15th with 3 or 5 day transfer.

I get blood work done on August 13th then wait for my Lu.pron period (around the 27th, I think). Add a dash of estrogen and ta da.... prepped for transfer.

How did I get this info you ask? I called ... everyone! Melissa isn't happy with me and I do not care.

I also asked if the donor was a successful donor - yes she is. Phew!

I am so relieved to get the plan. I have structure. I feel calm. I feel excited. I have time for my back to continue healing and to shed some more weight. I can build up my tired old ass with lots of lovely sleep. Cat will be fine by then and all will be right in the world. How do I know. 'Coz I am wagging, baby, wagging.

Thanks for the encouragement to call. I read a post about how this blogging support is like having sisters - and that is so true. It is like having non judgemental and totally supportive family. Thanks.


Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Part 2

no email from Cornel.l.

two very strongly worded emails from yours truly and dh to coordinator

i hope we will have news tomorrow

close. so close!!

Part 1

Part 1 ? I hear you ask. Yes, Part 1
Are you sitting comfortably, then I shall begin.

Yesterday my husband emailed our coordinator since he has a cool NGO project and needed to know dates.
Oh my dear, I said, you will be waiting for some.... what? She replied?

Today. We are getting our schedule " at some point in the afternoon" today.

I am at work. Well, I'm sitting at work not able to read the 10 pounds of paperwork that needs attention.

As soon as I know, you will too.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

My feet have shrunk

I have a pair of shoes in my office that are the emergency heels. If I get called by one of the bosses, I slip on the emergency heels and wobble down to their office. They are one size too small (hence kept for emergencies) and ensure I don't hang around!!
Today I put them on and they fit! Also, the other day I had to get off the subway due to crap service and walk about 40 blocks to a meeting. Half way there I bought a pair of flats - in a smaller size than usual.

I have to say, I love having smaller feet.

My arms, however, have not reduced at all nor have my boobs. I have lost 30 pounds and my arms still make me look like football player. I was told the are the last to slim down and the exercising helps but not to expect small arms - apparently I have lots of muscle there.

Just call me pop.eye

I haven't heard from Cornel.l yeah... shocking... so I left a voicemail. I know they won't change their behavior but that doesn't mean I shouldn't. I refuse to comply. I want to be pregnant this fall please and I am not letting them get in my way. I have lovely maternity sweaters to wear and milkshakes to drink. I am currently eating about 1500 calories a day. How many do you have to eat when you're pregnant? I am going to ask for a nutritionist from the hospital when I get preggers so I don't put on 100 pounds or starve myself out of fear of putting on 100 pounds.
Oh look at me - wagging away.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Get your wag on

I saw a sticker on a car today "less bark more wag". It got me to thinking. I am here, in this journey, and I can either enjoy it for what it's worth or give in to my natural self and slowly slip into a victim coma. Unlike some that dip then soar, I fall headlong into the abyss. Over the past few weeks my resilience has been fading. As my lack of sleep catches up to the emotional battering I have had this year I am getting less and less able to fight off the black dog. So I am gonna get my wag on. Whatever happens with the DE and with cat and with sleepless nights and early mornings, I am gonna get my wag on. I know exercising will help and losing the weight is cool. I shall invest in a few tops or dresses or whatever to make me feel sexy again (no idea when the last time THAT was) and revel in my successes. I will rediscover the passions in my life.

I will be unbearable, clearly! But its almost 4 weeks to my favourite time of year and I am determined to fit into a nice little black dress for my December concert or a lovely maternity dress. Either way, I will like the way I look and feel.

Welcome to the wagtail times.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

rainy days and mondays

What happened? One nice day and now its pitch black and throwing it down.

Took cute Cat to the vets again. Her levels are still elevated but she is gaining weight. She did not like being out in the rain anymore than I did! Long time meds blah blah blah

My DH works on Sunday and it leaves me a whole day to do with as I will. I am so tired today that I am doing very little with it! I was going to go shopping, go to the gym, do the washing. Eh. I have ordered a turkey burger and i am going to watch tv from the old country instead.

If I listened to myself I would hear my own fear. I am excited and terrified about the DE thing. That's the truth. We are close, it would seem. But I don't know anything. At least that's how it feels. I have read everything, I know nothing. I guess this is my old friend anxiety.

Maybe I just need a week on a beach somewhere. Oh yes, indeed. With blue skies, a cool wave and a surfboard.

Sprogblogger - thinking of you.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Rant and raves

When I asked my coordinator what the deal was - why I didn't know about BCP for this cycle and how she has consistently given me the impression that nothing was happening till September her reply was ...

It can synch the cycle several ways. Typically if we use birth control pills we would want to start you on cycle day 3-5. I may have you check blood work around ovulation to start L.upron instead though. I will look at everything and let you know early next week.

Now in her defense my cycle is usually 6 weeks long and this one was 4 due to the d/c. But I feel like she has mismanaged this whole thing. The good news is I am already on the same cycle as my donor give or take a day. But still, who needs the extra stress!

What gets me is the amount of money we are paying vs the amount of customer care we get. It seems like the DE program still thinks of itself as part of some insurance based health care system. But IVF health care isn't. It's patient payer and something that we have to opt for, we have to pay for because there is NO insurance for this stuff. So why are we any different from someone buying a home or car or stocks? We pay as just as much. I will have spend over 50K this year. That is nothing in comparison to some. But that is how much my brothers house cost, a university costs, a car costs and so on.

Clearly I am angry at C.ornell. I now refuse to accept that the system works the way it does. I refuse to accept that people I have paid a great deal of money to do not return my calls or think that they have the right to meter my health care information. I refuse to accept that I have to play nice to get by in the system.

So, I am going to write an email to the coordinator and the doctor detailing my expectations based on the information I have from them. I will invite them to add or correct anything. I will make it clear that as a customer (not patient) I have rights that I intend to enforce if necessary in order to maximize my chances of having an optimal experience.

I work hard to be a gentle soul but I will not let a system that relies on my complicity and compliance to screw with my possibility of becoming a mum.

Fuck 'em. No more Mrs Nice Infertile.