Sunday, January 31, 2010

First pregnancy clothes.

My suit looks somewhat hilarious. The shoulder and cut is way too big since I have lost weight but around my middle a shelf has formed (ass and belly in perfect orbness) so the middle looks tight.
So I went out and bought some 'expandable' pants. One size up from my normal but they fit around my waist, which is all I care about. What in the world am I going to wear to work when I am really preggers!

Feeling quite good. Less depressed for sure, still a little anxious but I am also calmer. Had a lovely time talking to the twins today whilst snuggled up with my cats. I'm even thinking of having a bath, my first one. For some reason I am scared of having a bath? I heard if the water is too hot you could miscarriage and since I have no idea how hot is too hot... I have avoided my lovely bath.
Any ideas?

We started planning.
I spoke with my close friends today and told them. I asked for help - something I NEVER DO - when the baby/babies are born (taking nothing for granted these days). Everyone was so cool - one is going to be the food monitor and bring meals, another has a car and will do all the running around for us, another has twin experience and will baby sit whilst I go have a bath or rest. I love my friends! They knew something was up since I have been MIA for 9 weeks.

DH and I have decided on a night nurse in the beginning. Then a nanny. I am looking for a nanny that follows the English method and have found a training center here in the states ( Not cheap but I am very keen to get someone qualified in child development (since we have no family to help us and one adult in the apartment needs to know what is going on).

I'm only 9 weeks and worrying about all this already. This may be a very long pregnancy!!!

Saturday, January 30, 2010

looks like its twins..

The war of spine docs vs baby docs is coming to a close. Looks like we are going ahead with twins. How do I feel? One moment elated the next absolutely terrified and planning how to run away.

We saw one of them wiggling around today (9w3d) s/he was dancing for all their might. We just laughed in astonishment. The other was kind of wiggling back and forth. No decision is being made on the CVS until I see my OB on the 11th. Dr J said my OB liked to paint the worst picture. YIKES. I think I shall set my expectations at the beginning and see if she can understand.

As the war comes to a close I feel a little less anxious and depressed. I can discern work anxiety from baby anxiety, which is good. Work anxiety is pretty high but I just have to try to control it. What ever happens this week at our big finance meeting, I must remember that I am highly employable. If this is not the right place for me for whatever reason - I shall move on. Moving on is always a good thing if done with care and attention. Staying put isn't too much of a big deal either. (this is me positive talking to myself).

DH has accepted full responsibility for operation 'where the frig are we putting two babies in this apartment'. Should be interesting. Our RE office is next to a UES baby shop. We spent a few minutes gazing in the window, smiling.

Well it's 2.30 pm, my morning sickness should be kicking in pretty soon so I shall go lie down.

Friday, January 29, 2010


I spoke with a health care practitioner today and she advised against cvs, which threw me a little. She said she knew of too many women that had had a miscarriage. Wait for the amnio, she said.
What do you guys think??

DH and I were just thinking about where to go for our 'babymoon'. We live in NYC and want to go somewhere by train. He wants to go to Washington DC (sounds a bit too walky for me). Ideas needed please!!

Thursday, January 28, 2010

9 weeks

Today, I am 9 weeks.

I am tired

I am moody

I am a wee bit depressed (my psychopharma thinks its the progesterone)

I am having a little tiny bit of bleeding but not too much

We get to see A&B on Saturday (hopefully)

I went to see a psych doctor yesterday that has twins of her own. She didn't want to increase my anti-depressant until I am off the progesterone and my blood volume has increased. Then she will consider upping the amount. She asked me how I felt about having twins and I told her about waiting to hear from my back guys if they consider me OK to carry twins. It was great to be able to explain my reservations and anxiety to someone.
Then we went to our couples therapist who I think is mad that we are having twins. She seemed mad by the time we left her office even though she had offered to help us through etc. It may have been my husband yawning and acting the ass through the session. He has a total inability to be in a conversation that is difficult. She gave us this very detailed visual about what the first two years are like using Mount Everest. At the end of it my husband says " i saw something about Everest on tv"


I also think our shrink thinks that between the two of us we are mad to even contemplate something as emotionally demanding as twins. She's probably right. But it's a little too late now!!

I have spoken to many people who have twins and they all say the same thing. It's madness in the beginning but I wouldn't trade it for the world. That is what I am trying to think about.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010


So over the past two weeks I have been eating. Sandwiches mostly but those 400 calorie types from Pret A Manger (aged cheddar and chutney, roast beef and mustard). I eat two a day at work plus an apple & cheese plus some almonds then at home I have a meal of something like rice and beef or chicken. I round the day off with cookies and milk. I am aware that too much weight gain is a bad thing so I am eating 'clean' foods.

Somehow, and I know not how, I have lost weight!!! I am now 5 pounds down not up from when I started trying to gain weight. I added an almond croissant to the mix today but I am not loving the smell of it right now ;-|

I think I'm losing muscle mass. My jeans don't really fit and my thighs are on super spreading mode. I sit down and take up twice as much space! I think a little toning exercise might be a good thing - light swimming. And maternity clothing shopping this weekend - I need a pair of work pants!!

No more bleeding since Sunday which I am hoping is a good thing. And the abruption was very tiny so lets hope its all resolved by Saturday when we see them again. I am getting tons of pinching at the sides but that is fine according to 'what to expect..'

Oh! and the big news. I told my boss yesterday. I thought it was wise for job security and all that. He has 21 year old twins and was really pleased for me, which was nice. He said "hey sit down, off your feet". Then told me I could travel the night before to out of town meetings so I get rest! Gee thanks. I'm not sure what this year will bring on the work front but as long as I can keep the income rolling in to cover the costs of all the baby making and baby having- -all will be well. I don't love my job and I miss team work and being part of a creative environment. But at least I am earning.

It was really really really odd to say the word 'pregnant' out loud. "I have some news I wanted to share with you, I'm pregnant" Ha!! good lord still sounds like I am lying!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Placental Abruption

I googled it - not too good. However, it was a tiny abruption and we shall see on Saturday if it has increased. Not sure what it means to the other fetus. Don't think it is an increase in risk but hell, what do I know.

I am eating like crazy. Every 2 hours I eat. It really does help with the nausea. But my hips are expanding at an alarming rate!!!

I phoned around for an high risk OBGYN yesterday. Quite amusing how, in NY, it's as if they are doing you a favor by taking you on! One cornell group don't accept any insurance but "you can get reimbursed by you insurance company". Oh can I? Gosh that's terrific. I have to wait 9 months to submit (when hopefully I will have newborn/s) and then I have to battle with the insurance company to get 70% back. NO THANKS LADY

I did find a high risk doc at Cornell that was recommended by a friend. The earliest appointment I could get was February 11. So I am with the crazy Pole till then. I just learnt that Dr J put a patient on modified bed rest at 10 weeks. hahahahahahahahahahaha. Not happening here honey. I would go totally mad.

Monday, January 25, 2010

8 weeks and a bit

The bleeding was due to a little bit of placenta detaching. It's something to watch, according to Dr J, and I was treated to extra shots of PIO. The placenta that detached was from the weaker baby so Dr J did say that this might be a sign of things to come. Or not. I go back on Thursday. And Saturday if there is any more bleeding.

The depression is definitely lifting and my shrink thinks it was withdrawal from pain meds mixed with all the stress, that sent me into a tailspin. I have to see her more frequently until she is certain I am ok. My psychopharmacologist is on Wednesday and she has had twins so I hoping to get some more sage advice. (The difference between the two practitioner's is one is a medical doctor that does psychology and the other is psychologist and therefore can't prescribe).

I have to say, it is nice to be back at work. I am sick of the sight of my apartment. I'm tired and cranky but that is normal for me so no-ones suspects anything! I do find it weird not to yell for a coffee or run out to *$ every hour! Oh a cappuccino. With extra foam. ohhhhhhh.

I'm not panicky about baby b. Since we have never really got this far before I am grateful for every day I have them. I know there are risks and I know my luck, so I am kinda resigned to something happening but I am trying to find peace with everything that is and might happen. Its the only way to enjoy this pregnancy. And not get locked up in a mental ward!

Sunday, January 24, 2010

good news bad news

Good news
my back is improving in leaps and bounds. I can get out of bed in the morning and not want to cry and wail like a sad old broken person

Bad news
Spotting. Dark red with bits in it. Its not a lot but it is increasing. I see Dr J tomorrow am but if it keeps getting heavier I'll try get hold of her this afternoon.

I wouldn't be too worried except that my depression has lifted a bit which lets face it - is great on one hand but maybe indicates something else too. I still feel queasy though, so that's encouraging.

I am not panicking. Been through too many m/c to know there is nothing I can do about it except manage the pain & grief when the time comes. I have also read lots of blogs where women with twins bled and they are/were fine. So I shan't jump to any conclusions.

I realized today that I don't think we will try again if this one fails. Odd thing to realize.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Mood swings

I know mood swings are part of the deal but I seem to be swinging from depressed to despondent. Last night. by the time Dh came home I was a total and utter mess. I sobbed and sobbed on the poor guy.
What is it that I am so depressed about? I don't know. It could be all hormonal, I realise that. But I haven't really experienced this kind of feeling before.
I made an appointment to see pyschopharmacologist next week to discuss my dosage and mental health which is what I am holding on to at the moment.

Everything seems to compound the feelings. It looks like massive finance changes are afoot at work which might have major impact on my job. I found that out yesterday and today , I am already thinking I am fired , pregnant and old. I know I am very employable, and to be honest, a regular might be a good thing for me whilst we start our family. It could all be nothing, it could be something but I am going to tell my boss I am preggers before the meeting - just in case.

Did anyone have deep depression in the first trimester that lifted in the second??

Oh, and here I am, pissing and moaning again.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

kick me up the arse

I must stop freakin' complaining! All I do is piss and moan and then feel worse coz there are so many of us trying to get preggers and I am preggers and I have to STOP COMPLAINING!!!

Yes, you are all right. My hormones are making life challenging at the moment and my back pain is not helping the situation but it will all get better at some time in the near future. I have to realize that the 1st trimester is just that - the first. There are two more stages and they are not as crap. And hopefully, if we are lucky, at the end of all this.....

Maybe if I see a baby? My friend just brought home a baby thru adoption. What do you think? Make matters worse, make it better or just stop over thinking and go find something to eat!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

So I ducked out early from work yesterday and crashed on the settee for the rest of the day. No choir for me. I'll leave early today and quietly take advantage of my job being about writing and thinking (which I can do from home).

Anxiety levels a little high today. However I started reading a book about carrying twins and apparently its normal to be anxious and afraid. Which is good to know since I thought I was just being totally ungrateful and spoiled. DH is happy but has studiously avoided reading anything about the complications of carrying twins. Situation bloody normal. We see the final specialist soon and then get to make the decision about whether we can go forward with the twin pregnancy. It's so surreal to have tried so hard, for so long and now to be having these conversations. Baby B isn't progressing at the same rate as Baby A so they might just say do nothing and let nature take it's course. Do you think that would be more stressful than a definitive action? I thought that makes the risk to Baby A even higher?

I am so frikkin' tired. Have been all day. Nothing kicks my ass into gear. I was in a meeting this morning surrounded by Star$ coffee and I just wanted to crawl in to one those cups. I am only allowed 20mmg of caffeine a day (which is maybe half a cup of decaf). Boooooooooo. I want to inject caffeine and feel normal again, if only for a moment.

I have found that every other day I am trashed from the moment I wake up to when I go to bed. Must be to do with the ebb and flow of the drugs in my system. Or not!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

What was I thinking!!!

Here I am at work with 5 hours of meetings ahead of me and all I can think is... kill me. I cannot sit in these office chairs and listen to piss and moan for another 5 hours. Should I go home? Should I go home early and climbing into bed because I am so damn tired. My back aches yes, but is it painful enough to bail? Is it really that I am tired.
How pleased am I that the daily workouts don't start for a while!!!

People with real jobs have my utmost admiration.

However, on the good news side - my new pill regime is working. Take the estrogen and steroids in the day, progesterone and prenatal vitamin at night and I don't feel as crap. And I sleep better.

All I want to do is float in a swimming pool somewhere warm.

Monday, January 18, 2010

When's the marathon?

I am officially off the loveno/x today. One down a serious number of others to go. My progesterone is 17 which Dr J is not happy with - she wants it at 25. So, for now I am still on the pills and injections. Oh well. My DH gave me my PIO shot the other night and was really shocked at the bruises. Then I rolled over to do the Loveno.x and he nearly fainted! My belly is worse than my back. At least I got some sympathy ;-) Ironic that DH is more concerned about the bruises but has no idea what the morning sickness or side effects are like.

Oh and the news of the day.... I walked 5 blocks in 15 mins today. Whooo hooooooooooo. I was psyched. I have hiked serious trails, peaks and snow capped and I can honestly say, that 15 minute walk was way more amazing. I kept going and passed that road, that marker, this place, that place. Oh it was so great. I kept thinking "holy shyte and onions keep going Eb". Tomorrow I am going to try to walk to work - 12 blocks.

My back doctor gave me a prognosis of 70% full recovery rate. That is not too shabby! I am being signed up for prenatal yoga, prenatal swimming, prenatal stretching and massage. Seriously folks, I have a full time job but I am gonna be one of the obnoxiously over busy pregnant women that goes to something everyday ....EVERYDAY... in order to strengthen my back. For real, I am kinda excited about the activity. I got my gym bag out, looked online for maternity swimming costumes and workout gear. It feels normal to me, to be thinking about exercising so this has given me something to look forward to.


Sunday, January 17, 2010

Crazy lady

Thank you everyone, for all the support and ideas. I am now getting acupuncture, CST, gentle leg massages, chiro and psychotherapy!!!

The depression is lifting every day which is tremendous. I have suffered from anxiety all my life (no, really!) but depression is such a dreadful new experience. Anyhow, each day is a bit more glorious and I am hopefully a bit more pregnant!

So, thanks to your amazing help I have worked the progesterone tablets and shots into a routine that means the flu symptoms doesn't hit me like a brick every day and the morning sickness is being attacked on all fronts - jello, lemon drops, bittersweet (English candy), apples, ginger everything and lemons... lots of lemons.

I slept for 15 hours last night and so far have walked twice as far as yesterday. I have always exercised my way through decisions and this seems to be working, even tho I am shuffling like the crazy lady up and down the street - talking to myself and making really odd faces!!! I am hopeful that tomorrow I can make it to the pool.

Things are looking up (shh, don't say that too loud).

Thanks for sticking by me, folks. Your words were very comforting. You have no idea how much I hung on to them.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Hi Guys
I've been off the heavy pain meds for a few days and the chemical depression is lifting. It was a little scary there for a while. I was talking about throwing in the towel and walking away etc.

Anyhow, I just got back from my very first 1/2 block walk. Agony but hell, I did it.

I have been feeling totally crap for a while and putting most of it down to morning sickness. Well, it turns out that the majority of my symptoms are actually to do with the progesterone. And Dr J will be bringing my PIO shots down next week. Whoo hooo. The intense flu like symptoms will bugger off, apparently.

So, slowly and with a dreadful amount of tears and feeling sorry for myself, I am emerging. I can start to process all the info we have gotten from the specialist. The body specialist (those concerned with my spine) are not too encouraging for either the pregnancy or life with little ones. They are worried enough if I have one baby to pick up and two they all say will end in surgery on my back. The baby doctors are all saying keep both and expect a lousy pregnancy.

Honestly I am in a total state of fear and shock. I have moments of excitement about being pregnant and what is happening but mostly, I am shit scared. And that surprises me. I know I want a family. That isn't the issue. Its the physical pain I am fearful of. I am in pain most of the day (not as much pain, tho) and at night I sleep for 90 mins before the pain wakes me up and I have to find another position. I know this will pass mentally but emotionally I am stuck. I can't pick up my cat never mind a toddler. I am only able to walk with two crutches. How can I do this at 7 months pregnant???? I am beating myself up for having a bad back, not dealing with the nerve thing when I had the chance, for getting pregnant with twins, for being so weak and basically a loser.

As you can see, I am a bit of a mess and totally moaning my ass off!!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Hi Guys,
still here.
still far from ok.

I am struggling with depression which is a side effect of meds apparently

I am proudly way down on the pain meds - one today so far so hopefully the depression will lift soon.

I am reading you all and sending you all hugs and mucho positive mojo.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Dr J stepped down my pain killers. WTF!! Today has been really tough. I am in total freakin' agony. I get 4 pain killers every 24 hours. I took one at 10am then lasted all day (my friend came over and that helped take my mind off it) till now, when I downed 2 like a junkie. Damn it, only have 1 to get through the night.
Tomorrow I go back to the back doc for another treatment. Can't come soon enough.

It will be great to be preggers and not in pain. That will be groovy.

thats all i got. sorry guys.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Dh stepped up - I think he heard y'all! He took the day off work (unheard of) to get me to my chiro appt and Dr J.

I have a herniated disk bulging onto the group of nerves that causes sciatica. The ortho surgeon discussed what carrying twins might look and feel like for me and the risks to the peanuts. Scary stuff. There is a high risk of losing both if my spine and pelvis carriage deteriorate.

The spine specialist didn't want to council one way or the other because he believes it's too early. Wr shall have the discussion in 2 weeks in a field consult with a bunch of other specialists.
Dr J on the other hand is confident that all will be well!
The other specialist are split 50/50.

We heard the heartbeats again. One is measuring behind the other but all in all pretty stable. Dr J thinks I might be off the PIO shots in a week or two!! WOW!! She will keep me past the 8 weeks mark, maybe till 11 weeks since I am such a high risk. We discussed where I go next and I told her my choices and she approved, so that was a relief.

I keep imagining the day after, in the hospital room, with a live little one or two to feed and cuddle. I just keep thinking - eyes on the prize Eb. You have never got this far before. Keep your head and your strength will follow.

That having been said I had a major meltdown yesterday. Cried and cried for hours and DH listened to every odd and wild thing that came out of my mouth. I cried about how fearful I am, how afraid of nothing going wrong and having kids, everything going wrong and not having kids, of DH leaving, of our marriage breaking under the stress, of my broken body and the risks it poses to the peanuts. I felt so much better afterwards! it must be exhausting living with such a freak. I have to get up every 90 mins at the moment due to pain so i wake him up continuously. Tonight however I am taking my pain pills at midnight, a full dose, so we might both get some much needed shut eye.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

i have finally weaned myself off the codeine. Although how I am supposed to get to the chiropractor tomorrow is beyond me. I can walk to the loo and back and then roll around in agony.

I want this over. I want to be pain free. I want to be a normal pregnant women. All I can think of is 'have i harmed the little ones?' I wouldn't be surprised to be honest.

Dh has disappeared. That is his reaction to stress. HE goes into his studio and stops communicating.

not happy. so i shall go away too. I am reading all your blogs, just too uncomfortable to comment.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

emerging ...

the last 24 hours totally sucked. I have had three disks and a ripped annular tear all at the same time and even that did not compare to the sciatic pain.

However, it seems to be receding. I have been on T3, which I am stepping down now, and I had two Demerol shots and now I can walk around the apartment a little, i had a shower and finally got changed out my pj's.
All I have now are shooting pains in my leg and something called rolling cramps in my calf. That means that my muscles take turn to cramp and occasionally have one big cramp together.
You know when they say your butt is one big muscle? Well, trust me, you don't ever want to feel it cramping!!!

As the pain recedes my mind wonders to the two polka dots. I am so excited and hope all the medication really is as safe as the RE told me. I ask them what they want to eat. The latest thing is chocolate cookies which is amazing since I like them too!!

Thank you to everyone for your comments, thoughts and support. I know it is a tremendously contentious notion of reduction and everyone was so very sensitive. I am calmer about the whole thing now. I'll speak with the professionals and make a decision one way or the other, knowing all the time that my heart and head may have to be divided on this one for the rest of my life.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Much Drama

Last night at at about 3am I was on the living room floor crying like a baby. My back had got the better of me. I was in so much pain I just knew something was horribly wrong. It took me till 7am to get from the floor to the bedroom where my DH was lying in. As soon as the clinic was open I phoned Dr J and she told me to get to her pronto.
DH left work because walking was almost an impossibility - I even passed out at one point.
Dr J works in a building with tons of other practices, one being back doctors. The diagnosis: I have severe sciatica.

We went back to Dr J for an ultra sound to check for polka dot and any indications of ectopic. The last time my DH was in an ultra sound room with me we were told that the sac was empty. That was a very long time ago. Before Corn.ell, before Colu.mbia. He was so nervous. Dr J did her thing with the wand and there it was, our Polka Dot has quite the pad now - the sac is looking great and we saw a heartbeat. No sign of ectopic. We have never seen a heart beat. It was strong and we are at 6 weeks.

As is the second baby in there.

Yes folks ..... TWINS!!!!

This next sentence is really hard to write. We have not decided if we will go all the way with 2. I know how that sounds but the reality of my damaged back may force our decision. My back is totally screwed, I have 3 damaged disks and tears along the lower spine in the muscle. The ortho that I go to has already counselled against carrying multiples before we got preggers.

We are also alone. No parents, no cousins or brothers, sisters or aunts.

However, the decision has not been made yet. I want 2 children. I really do. I just don't know if we are capable of having twins both physically and emotionally. I have day dreamed of twins for so long I feel like I cursed myself. I am sobbing as I write that we may reduce. Sobbing.

For now I have my twins in there. Heartbeats and all. What an amazingly complex day this is.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

out of the saddle

I fell off the work wagon today.

Got up feeling really tired and stressed and in enormous pain (back)
Remembered I had to give myself three shots.
During shot #1 thought i was going to faint. saw stars, bright lights, heart racing. lie down. feel ok.
During shot #2 thought i was going to faint. saw stars, bright lights, heart racing. severe but short lived headache. lie down. feel ... okish

Phoned in sick & went back to bed.

hcg levels: 26,000
progesterone: 111 (explains back pain - progesterone softens disks)

These numbers are very high for a singleton so tomorrow Dr J will check for another polka dot and then we have to do ectopic checks.

Oh good, some drama to focus on!!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Back in the saddle

(hello new follower, and thank you!!)

I am back at work.It is really, really, really hard when you have this level of exhaustion not to bitch at people! Thankfully, nearly everyone is either out or at an off site so guess who has a surprise meeting on her sofa about 3 o'clock (he he he he).

I went in to get my bloods down this am. The nurse that does them is totally freakin' dopey. I mean, she is like a teenager that resents the whole damn thing. I want to kick her up the arse. Tomorrow I shall find out the number. I have no idea what it should be. Let me work it out. According to my calculator is should be 128,000. Er ... does that seem right to you? Ok Whatever.

K, was funny yesterday. Told me to step away from the drama and damn, if the chick ain't right. What has got into me! I promise to try and keep a level head on my shoulders. I am in an anxiety producing time - the bit before we find out if anything is growing. But I feel like hell on wheels and so tired I could mainline coffee so I have to trust in the signs.

I have discovered some things about me as a pregnant women.

I love orange juice. It's like nectar of the gods. Never used to like it.
I hate complex tastes - anything that has more than two ingredients makes me wanna hurl
Dreams oh dreams - violent and wild or triple xxx rated and surprising.
Cold feet. I cannot get my feel to warm up no matter what I do.
I have put on 7 pounds. No panic (ha!) It will come off coz I will be exercising again soon and not taking 15 pills, injections and infusions.
My back is killing me. I am in so much freakin' pain. Guessing this is from all the hormone and body expansion. Get me to a swimming pool.
I have no mojo for anything other than reading in bed. Oh my bed. My lovely warm, cozy and cat filled bed.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Oh c'mon!!

Bloody clinic is closed till tomorrow. For fucks sake.
I hate it when clinics are lazy about disseminating information. I went all the way there and the weird guy from the back starts on a diatribe about how he knows nothing coz no-one tells him anything yada yada. I don't care mister - I just want a HCG test. I shall have to wait until Wednesday to know what my HCG is doing.

And breath.

I get an u/s on Thursday. If there is no heartbeat on Thursday I will immediately go to blighted ovum, which is one of my biggest fears at the moment. We have been pregnant a few times but nothing ever grew. Just the sac. If there is a baby in there I am totally getting one of those doppler things. I shall tape it to my belly so I can hear it all day. If it is a blighted ovum I shall assume that its down to DH's DNA. Is that a correct assumption?

Going back to work tomorrow is the best thing for me. I need to start bossing people around and thinking about something else. And I have choir tomorrow night. Oh crap - haven't learnt the music. Oops!! Three weeks off and I haven't learnt a single note.
Work without coffee or caffeine of any sort. Man, this is gonna be brutal!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

freakin' siberian

Damn me it's colder than penguin poop. We have tons of cracked windows from the pointing they are doing outside and the wind is whipping thru the apartment. I am thinking of climbing back under the damn covers.

Feeling a little bit less panicky today. I put the books on my husbands bedside table. I'm still fearful but your comments really helped. I have weird cramping and amazing bloating. This morning I even had morning sickness. So I am thinking these are good signs.

The fact that I get another beta tomorrow is probably the real helper, tho. Just to know. I guess my number should be around 16,000. I think. I have never got that before, nowhere near. That would be awesome. Oh wait. How long do the doubling numbers go for? I am 5 weeks I think. 5 weeks. Is that all!!!!! Yikes. This is going to be like an elephant pregnancy!

I am freezing my ass off. Gonna go to the movies to warm up. Twilight movie is basically the only one I haven't seen at my local cinema so vampires here I come.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

hard place

I'm having a hard time today. I can't shake the feeling that this pregnancy is over and I am just waiting for the tell tale signs. I am checking my undies every five mins. All the aches and pains from my uterus are warning and signals of the inevitable. I feel defeated and I hate ... HATE ... feeling like this. I went to the clinic this morning but it was closed - thanks for telling me assholes. So I have to wait till Monday for another hcg test.

Maybe I am just superstitious. We got the pregnancy books out of purgatory and have been reading them. Each time we do that I m/c. I am not sure where the aches in my uterus are - middle, side. lower, upper. My back is killing me, which I think is a good sign coz it means my uterus is expanding. I guess my fears are well founded. We have got this far before a few times but no further. If I had had a decent doctor for my first pregnancy he would have caught the blighted ovum way before 11 weeks.

So, that is it. I am afraid because we are here. We are in the place where it all usually goes wrong. What am I now? 5 weeks? oh man the first trimester is like one big 2ww. i wish i could drink booze - i would sedate myself thru it!

Sorry for sounding so ungrateful and whiney.

Friday, January 1, 2010


Cool date. Looks really sci-fi.

Happy New Year everyone.

I feel like crap today, I am happy to report. We stayed up till 12.02am but I was a dizzy, drooling mess by that time and staggered off to bed as soon as was possible. Today the dizziness is still here but not as much. My hips, pelvis and joints hurt like a mofo and I am trying not to puke. All good signs I think.
DH wants us to have 'What to expect when your expecting' dug out of the purgatory box (all things pregnant go in there when the m/c comes around) so we use it as a reference!! That is a huge deal for him. He wants to know what's going on inside. He also ordered me to sit and do nothing this morning as he cleaned up the apartment and threw out our xmas tree. I like this :-)

I have been thinking about going back to work next week and I DON'T WANT TO!! How am I going to manage the fatigue? I have the kind of job that is either supersonic busy or nothing. Nothing I can handle! Also, I don't feel like the bad ass exec chic I am supposed to be. I am all soft and fluffy. Maybe when I put my suit on I might get back into the role.

I hope you all had a fun new years eve. Anyone actually do anything?!