Saturday, January 2, 2010

hard place

I'm having a hard time today. I can't shake the feeling that this pregnancy is over and I am just waiting for the tell tale signs. I am checking my undies every five mins. All the aches and pains from my uterus are warning and signals of the inevitable. I feel defeated and I hate ... HATE ... feeling like this. I went to the clinic this morning but it was closed - thanks for telling me assholes. So I have to wait till Monday for another hcg test.

Maybe I am just superstitious. We got the pregnancy books out of purgatory and have been reading them. Each time we do that I m/c. I am not sure where the aches in my uterus are - middle, side. lower, upper. My back is killing me, which I think is a good sign coz it means my uterus is expanding. I guess my fears are well founded. We have got this far before a few times but no further. If I had had a decent doctor for my first pregnancy he would have caught the blighted ovum way before 11 weeks.

So, that is it. I am afraid because we are here. We are in the place where it all usually goes wrong. What am I now? 5 weeks? oh man the first trimester is like one big 2ww. i wish i could drink booze - i would sedate myself thru it!

Sorry for sounding so ungrateful and whiney.


  1. Oh EB, no one could blame you for your fear at this point. You do not sound ungrateful and whiney at all - we aren't afraid to lose things we don't appreciate. I've never been pregnant, never had a m/c, and I can't imagine how scary it must feel to be where you are right now. Just remember that fearing it doesn't make it so, okay?

    That sucks that your clinic is closed. Is your acupuncturist available? Do you plan to continue with acupuncture throughout your pregnancy? She/he could probably reassure you that all is well and help you with the current anxiety.

    I wish I lived in NYC. I would land on your doorstep with a bunch of DVDs and a basket of yummy food and we could have a picnic in the living room and distract ourselves from our uteruses for a while...

    Hang in there and keep breathing.


  2. Oh Maddy, thank you! What a lovely comment

  3. I agree, you don't sound ungrateful and whiney. You sound afraid. It is a very scary period (the 1st trimester). But don't let your fear overtake you. Like I've said before, this is a strong's a fighter. And no you've never been at THIS place before. This is a 5 day blast DE. Your chances are really good.

    Unfortunately the symptoms for all of these things seem to be very similar. That's why you should not read too much into any of them. Remember PUPO! Try to relax and find things to take your mind off of all of this. Tell the DH that you need to put the book away for a bit because it is stressing you out. The Mad Hatter is right, fear doesn't make it so. Hang in there.


  4. THINK POSITIVE THOUGHTS!!! Ok, yes, it's the pot calling the kettle black (me here, the over-anxious-worrying-pessimistic-freak). But seriously, if I could take everyone's advice and just RELAX. Things will work out. They always do. Watch a chick flick. Eat some fattening foods. Take a nighttime tylenol (that's my new drug of choice). Get a back massage. Take a nice, hot shower. Go make food for the homeless (I did that Christmas Eve which helped with some of my anxiety). Do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to take your mind off stuff so time will pass. Hang in there and be happy!!!

  5. And NO, you're not whining or sounding ungrateful! You're just being normal for a 40+ female going through IVF and wanting a baby. I'm on the same page. Get your mind off of it....and time will pass....

  6. Listen, no offense but if you're counting the times you've been here before as those times with your own eggs then, no, you have not been here before.

    About the books . . . do what you think works best for YOU. I actually have a copy of the "What to Expect" book and I intend to toss it. I am a worrier and a book like that will just increase my fears of bad symptoms (which I'll begin to feel - coincidentally - a minute after reading about them). My mind is terribly strong - in a bad way. If you respond that way too, do yourself a favor and only read the short, cheery books about what stage you're at and how the baby is progressing.

    You've got, what, 30+ weeks ahead? It's a long road honey and you deserve to be happy and enjoy some of it. :)

    Hey, I'm just across the river in NJ so if you ever need to grab lunch with someone and get some encouragement - let me know, honestly! (skygarrett at yahoo dot com)

  7. I know it's hard, but try to be brave. Remember that this DE egg has a much better chance and your stats are that of a person much younger. I know it is enough to drive you crazy and I hope in the next week or so you'll get to go in for an ultrasound and see a heartbeat. Giving you a great big hug and much encouragement as I can.

  8. The entire first trimester (and even after that, I'm afraid) IS one, seemingly endless, 2ww (times 6). I can't tell you how many times I wished I had a window in my belly so I could just SEE in there to know whether things were okay or not. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. It probably doesn't help, but I think it's the bridge we IF'ers must cross, even in a successful pregnancy. Getting past "that" place where everything went wrong before. And know, too, that for all of us, our symptoms waned, we wondered if it was over, why-oh-why didn't my boobs feel sore anymore, etc. All I can say is breathe, and then demand an u/s at the first possible moment. Reassurance (of the visual sort) is all that will reassure for now.

  9. I agree with the above. It is hard, but there is no evidence that things have gone south yet! This is a strong DE egg and your uterus is probably just surprised at how well it is settling in! The my WHOLE DE pregnancy was one long worry-fest for me. I only had a baby shower at 6 months b/c I was forced into it. Monday will come and hopefully you can get your hcg test. 'Till then breathe deeply and enjoy the fact that you are PUPO :)

  10. You don't sound whiney at all. here's a strange thign to say: I sort of hate being pregnant, even though I spend time and money to get tehre because it is SO STRESSFUL! TAke care!

  11. You don't sound whiny. You sound frightened, which is even harder to cope with. I'm hoping that you can find a bit of peace over these next 8 months (and if you do, please pass on your wisdom, because I'm not even out of the 2ww yet and I'm a wreck.) Hang in there. Thinking of you.

  12. Thinking of you hon, and wouldn't it be great to go into some sort of trance until you had that healthy baby in your arms? Or at least til you get to the kicking stage, when you KNOW something is going on in there. Your numbers are FABULOUS, so try to think on that, no dwelling on all the bad stuff! Try to revel in the moment - you are pregnant!!!!
    If your dh wants to read the book, let him; you stay focused on doing things that make YOU happy.