Last night at at about 3am I was on the living room floor crying like a baby. My back had got the better of me. I was in so much pain I just knew something was horribly wrong. It took me till 7am to get from the floor to the bedroom where my DH was lying in. As soon as the clinic was open I phoned Dr J and she told me to get to her pronto.
DH left work because walking was almost an impossibility - I even passed out at one point.
Dr J works in a building with tons of other practices, one being back doctors. The diagnosis: I have severe sciatica.
We went back to Dr J for an ultra sound to check for polka dot and any indications of ectopic. The last time my DH was in an ultra sound room with me we were told that the sac was empty. That was a very long time ago. Before Corn.ell, before Colu.mbia. He was so nervous. Dr J did her thing with the wand and there it was, our Polka Dot has quite the pad now - the sac is looking great and we saw a heartbeat. No sign of ectopic. We have never seen a heart beat. It was strong and we are at 6 weeks.
As is the second baby in there.
Yes folks ..... TWINS!!!!
This next sentence is really hard to write. We have not decided if we will go all the way with 2. I know how that sounds but the reality of my damaged back may force our decision. My back is totally screwed, I have 3 damaged disks and tears along the lower spine in the muscle. The ortho that I go to has already counselled against carrying multiples before we got preggers.
We are also alone. No parents, no cousins or brothers, sisters or aunts.
However, the decision has not been made yet. I want 2 children. I really do. I just don't know if we are capable of having twins both physically and emotionally. I have day dreamed of twins for so long I feel like I cursed myself. I am sobbing as I write that we may reduce. Sobbing.
For now I have my twins in there. Heartbeats and all. What an amazingly complex day this is.
Well......YAY! I'm just going to say it, because that's what it is. I understand your feelings, decisions to make, more stress. Shit. But YAY! You have two and you saw heartbeats. And that is GOOD my friend. And, I have some other assvice to give you, if you're interested. You can email me speclk2 at hotmail dot com. Take care.
ReplyDeleteI wish you all the best with your decision - physically and emotionally. I'm hoping in the meantime the doctors can do something to help you with your back!
ReplyDeletesweetie- I am so happy that you have strong heartbeats! and I am sorry that future decisions are tearing at your heart already. You need to do what is right for YOU. now coming from someone who lost a twin after seeing the heartbeats first both strong though one was measuring smaller....and we lost the smaller one, my RE said sometimes nature makes that decision, not that I am wishing what I went thru, but I think it was 10 weeks when we learned the news. at 7 weeks it seemed like both would make it....I am not sure when you have to make the decision, but I support whatever you decide.
ReplyDeleteOf course it's your decision. A very difficult one at best. My vote is to keep them both though. just a feeling I have that you can make it. But please know I am not passing judgement at all...
ReplyDeleteHi, there.
ReplyDeleteNot that anyone asked me, but I think I agree with anonymous. If I were you, I would keep them both. But I am not, so it is not up to me to decide. It is YOU.
You have to do whatever is right and advisable for you. You have to think hard and do the right thing. For whatever you decide, it will be the right thing for you at this time in your life. Take the time you can and I am sure you will come up with the good solution.
No one sane is going to judge you.
Take care and feel better soon. Back pain can be such a mofo...
Mina
EB -- I've been away, so haven't commented in a while, but I hope you are doing ok and that whatever you choose leaves you at peace. All avenues are stressful and have pros and cons, so you just need to do what is right for you and your DH.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on your healthy babies! I know you have an incredibly difficult decision ahead of you. I also know that I, as an infertile stranger, have no business telling you what to do. I guess if I were giving a friend advice, I'd tell her to really, really think about it (and pray about it, if she was religious or spiritual). I know it's easy for me to say, but I'd do anything to have a baby, or even two, and even if it put me in indescribably pain. I don't think I could ever reduce. But only you know what you can handle in terms of pain and your back (is there anything doctors can do to safely relieve or reduce your pain in pregnancy? ). It's just that if you decide to reduce, it's permanent--you can't get that baby back. But on the other hand, the longer you remain pregnant with twins, the harder it would be to reduce down the road.
ReplyDeleteI don't envy your difficult decision. Even though we don't know each other, I'll be praying for you to make the best decision for your situation, and that you'll feel peace and comforted once you make your decision. Good luck and God bless.
Is
I think I just scared the people in my office with my little yell for joy (at hearing you have twins). HOLY COW (I'm keeping the profanity down). One day at a time..... you'll make the right decision. I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteOh wow, I am hoping you find some relief soon for your pain. Unsolicited advice: seek counsel from people you respect for their wisdom and meditate so that you can gain wisdom and peace from the universe. Your heart will arrive at the right decision. peace.
ReplyDeleteI am hyper pro-choice and completely in favor of reduction if you must - but I truly hope you can keep them both too. Maybe you'll just have to take it extra careful on the weight gain and tons of bed rest but gosh I hope you can do it and have your family in one shot - two genetically related siblings to love each other their whole lives! :)
ReplyDeleteBut, yes, I'd still support the sad option.
God, I know how you feel. Not the back - that's outside of the range of suckiness that I know & hate. But about the issue of whether to risk carrying twins. If you want to talk offblog, zap me an email. I'm right there with you, and, of course, support you in WHATEVER you decide to do. Thinking of you and wishing that the happy of twins didn't have to be contaminated with the unhappy of feasibility.
ReplyDeleteWow girl, what a shock! Pain, heartbeats, fear and joy all wrapped up in the same day. My hope is that you have a happy healthy pregnancy that results in the growth of your family. Whatever you choose, I support you.
ReplyDeleteEB - I'm happy to hear there are two heartbeats, but very sad to hear of your back condition which might prevent you from carrying multiples. It's an excruciating position to be in. Having wanted a baby for so long, and now having to make such a choice. I'm sorry you're in this position. Wishing you peace with whatever decision you make and sending you lots of love. xxoo
ReplyDeleteHoly crap EB -- twins! No wonder you've been tired! First, congratulations. That is awsome.
ReplyDeleteSecond, I'm so sorry that your back is all messed up and I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must be to contemplate reduction. Or pregnancy with a bad back. I hope talking with specialists reveals some other options -- because either one sounds pretty hard to me. Sending lots of love and hoping you can get some good rest.
Elizabeth
Just remember, 9 months is such a small "blip" in life. It seems forever, but will be over before you know it. As a mother of twins I can't imagine one without the other. I had a VERY ROUGH twin pregnancy and thought the days of bedrest and complete misery were never going end. Now looking back, it went by so fast I hardly remember it. And the outcome....well worth it!! Another bit of info..I am a single mom with little help. You will be amazed what you can do when you absolutly have to!! Best wishes. Andrea
ReplyDeleteDarlin, I feel ya. Have you considered consulting, or reconsulting a neurologist? I asked about mine pregnancy, and he siad it is possible to get epidural steriods during pregancy, which can really help some people with their disc issues. My heart is with you as you deal with this, on all fronts.
ReplyDeleteI only discovered your blog recently and haven't commented yet, but CONGRATULATIONS! And what a tough decision. I think that I would have had to reduce if I were in your situation. And I totally support that choice, if it comes to that. Since you've got 11 embies frozen, then when you do this again for #2, your children will be genetically related, which is cool. (I'm thinking of Sky's post). The only downside with that is being older with pregnancy #2 b/c it'll be at least a year or two from now. I'm 40 and have a 1 year old and it's definitely hard at this age (both the preg and the parenting). I look at these 20-somethings having painfree, energetic pregnancies and bouncing right back with no dark circles under their eyes even and I am completely dumbfounded and jealous. But you know, in the end, every age has different pluses and minuses, and being an older mom is great in a lot of ways. I wouldn't trade it.
ReplyDeleteHoly crap! I never saw that one coming! I'm partial to twins so I say go for it! :)
ReplyDeleteI read your post and all the comments and can imagine the juxtaposition of feelings you must be having.
ReplyDeleteI have a close friend who struggled to get pregnant (4 IVFs, 1 IVF/ZIFT) and finally had success through DE. She, too, was pregnant with twins, and for a variety of reasons, agonized about what to do. Ultimately, she decided to reduce, and her daughter is now 12 weeks. As gut wrenching and heart breaking a decision it was for her and as her friend and fellow intfertile to be privy to, it was the right decision for her for all the reasons that led her to it, and she has no regrets.
I fully trust, that you will do what is right for you and hope that you are at peace with whatever the decision.
Okay, like everyone else... definitely congratulations! I knew you had to have more in there with 5- 5 day blasts!
ReplyDeleteBut to your health, I've also suffered with sciatica years back (no pun intended). And a little over a year ago my back went out so bad that I missed days of work and COULD NOT get out of bed. The only thing that ever seems to help my back is icing it every hour for 20mins. so the swelling goes down, and drugs, lots of them. Muscle relaxers in particular and 4 IB profen every 6 hrs. My SIL was pregnant this past winter when her neck went out. The doctor said that it was okay for her to take muscle relaxers. She also went to the chiropractor. The muscle relaxer that really works for me is Flexeril 10mg. You can't work with it. It knocks you out. Who cares about work. They'll put you on bed rest and you'll be on disability if you have to. No big deal, take a break. I had a friend who was on bed rest for months because they didn't want her to go into pre-term labor. The non drowsy med. that does nothing for me is Skelaxin.
I really really feel for you, back issues are no laughing matter. And if you've never had it before, it's difficult to imagine the pain. With sciatica you probably have numbness in your upper legs too. Poor girl, try to rest. Leave big decisions for another day.
Oh EB, I only have a second to write, but I wanted to let you know how much I feel for you. As you may know, I also got pregnant w/ twins via DE and for reasons other than yours, I was counseled to reduce. I know that horrible feeling of twisting in the wind and not knowing what to do. Feeling so thankful that you are pregnant, but facing the real possibility that you will have to do something that you thought you would never have to do. Please know that I am thinking of you and your husband. If you want to talk, I'm here for you: bminesin at yahoo dot com
ReplyDeleteMuch love, Brenda
Hi dear EB,
ReplyDeleteI am happy for you and sad for you. I think much has been said and you will know what is right for you so I am not going to go on.
But I am sending you my love and strength and hope for good things for you and yours.
((HUGS))
Oh sweetheart, I am so happy for you - and so sad. I had sciatica in my leg and back during my pregnancy and it was awful, yet nothing compared to what you're dealing with.
ReplyDeleteKnow that whatever you decide, I'll be supporting you.
Congratulations hon! I hope you are feeling better, and the docs can give you something to help your poor back. I agree, this decision is one to put off for now, hopefully until you are at least feeling better. I have pondered the reduction possibility, since my uterus would not have supported twins (they were surprised I carried *one* to term). There are no easy answers, but you really do have to consider your health, and the health of the babies. Many people seem to disregard having twins as no big deal, but it is MUCH harder on your body, and more stress on the babies too. However, it would be great to have two babies at once! Take it one day at a time, I know you will do the best thing for your situation. Supporting you no matter how things work out, so proud you were brave enough to share your fears with us here.
ReplyDeleteMy emotions for you are all over the place - I am giddy with delight that for the first time, you are carrying a baby (well, two) with heartbeats! I know how moving it is to see that on the u/s screen for the first time. Especially when you can't help but anticipate the worst. So, congratulations!!!
ReplyDeleteThen there is reality to face: you have a pre-existing, debilitating back condition. And it's already bad enough to bring you to tears. I know the thought of reduction breaks your heart. Maybe it won't be necessary - you'll have to meet with the specialists and see if they think there is any way to treat you and provide your back enough support to carry twins. Otherwise, you won't be any good to EITHER baby if you ruin your back trying to save them both. It's a cruel reality. And I hope with all my heart that God makes the decision for you before you have to make it for yourself. But you will always have my support, whatever you decide.
Oh EB, my heart goes out to you. I really hope you get relief from the pain. Sending you lots of love.
ReplyDeleteKatherine
((BITTERSWEET HUGS))
ReplyDeleteLove,
Maddy
Oh EB! My sentiments follow those of your fellow bloggers. I'm so happy that you are finally pregnant and so heartbroken for you that you have to make this decision. Whatever you decide you know we will support you. Lots of hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteOh EB: I'm not going to comment on the twins because it is not my place. But let's talk about the back. As you know, I had a complete herniation during my last transfer and had the emergency surgery. I am not sure if as a result I m/c or it was related to other things. Get yourself to a neuro surgeon and a perinatolgist pronto. I think you will have to talk to them about what they could do. Back pain is hell, complete hell. Watch your bladder too for signs of weakness. you have my total sympathy. I did well with a heating pad/ice until my surgery and tried really hard to stay away from the narcotics as much as I could but it is not always possible with severe pain. Feel better my friend!
ReplyDeleteDear EB-First of all, I wanted to wish you a very very heartfelt congratulations on your polka dots. I also wanted to say how sorry I am to hear about your debilitating back pain. I had back problems from the time I was a child. At one point in my late twenties, it got soooo bad. I had a herniated disk that finally ruptured that resulted in partial paralysis down my right leg, thighs and pelvis. When I finally got my back surgery and they fixed everything, after another year of recovery I have been pain free for 13 years. I still remember writhing in the bed and crying in agony when it was truly bad. My heart goes out to you. I am 100% pro-choice. I am all for intelligent people who know their needs and can judge their own situations to make difficult decisions, whether they be to reduce, or to risk extreme pain and complications. You don't have to decide any time too soon. Check into CVS testing, find out more from your back docs and your MFM docs. I wish you all the best and ultimately a heart full of peace.
ReplyDeleteSo thrilled that you're pg, but sorry to hear about your back and the possibility of such a difficult decision. Before my donor embie transfers I thought long and hard about that possibility. I was extremely relieved to see just one heartbeat. But I had done my homework beforehand. Email me if you want to talk about this. I'll gladly send you my phone number and the info on the "go to" dr in NYC for SR if that's what you decide.
ReplyDeleteI don't have the back problems you have, and I was extremely uncomfortable as an over 40 preggo with a singleton. And you're not just carrying them during the pregnancy, you'd be toting around 2 ever heavier babies after they're born.
I'm very sorry you are in this position. I know more about this than I care to admit. It is a heartbreaking choice. Heartbreaking. You have to do what is best for you and your family though. My advice to you is to listen to your heart. You also are going to need help with raising twins and during your pregnancy, no doubt about that. You may have to get creative on how you find a solution, but it's good to think about how that would work now.
ReplyDeleteI support whatever you decide to do. No woman should ever have to make this choice, so I'm sympathetic. We never think we have to make this choice, or even know how hard it is when we get there. There is a thread on IVF Connections on selective reduction that you will probably want to check out. It's under the "Pregnancy" folder. There are only a few places in the US that will do selective reduction on twins. Again, I'm really sorry you have to even think of making this choice.
wow! WOW! twins! VERY exciting!
ReplyDeletejust an fyi. I used to read a blog a few years ago and the woman considered SR as well. let me tell you, crazed right-to-lifers repeatedly ATTACKED her and she eventually stopped blogging. I'd keep this particular subject to yourself (or go private.) once those maniacs get wind of your situation you will get a ton of vicious hate mail. something to seriously consider.