Saturday, January 16, 2010

Hi Guys
I've been off the heavy pain meds for a few days and the chemical depression is lifting. It was a little scary there for a while. I was talking about throwing in the towel and walking away etc.

Anyhow, I just got back from my very first 1/2 block walk. Agony but hell, I did it.

I have been feeling totally crap for a while and putting most of it down to morning sickness. Well, it turns out that the majority of my symptoms are actually to do with the progesterone. And Dr J will be bringing my PIO shots down next week. Whoo hooo. The intense flu like symptoms will bugger off, apparently.

So, slowly and with a dreadful amount of tears and feeling sorry for myself, I am emerging. I can start to process all the info we have gotten from the specialist. The body specialist (those concerned with my spine) are not too encouraging for either the pregnancy or life with little ones. They are worried enough if I have one baby to pick up and two they all say will end in surgery on my back. The baby doctors are all saying keep both and expect a lousy pregnancy.

Honestly I am in a total state of fear and shock. I have moments of excitement about being pregnant and what is happening but mostly, I am shit scared. And that surprises me. I know I want a family. That isn't the issue. Its the physical pain I am fearful of. I am in pain most of the day (not as much pain, tho) and at night I sleep for 90 mins before the pain wakes me up and I have to find another position. I know this will pass mentally but emotionally I am stuck. I can't pick up my cat never mind a toddler. I am only able to walk with two crutches. How can I do this at 7 months pregnant???? I am beating myself up for having a bad back, not dealing with the nerve thing when I had the chance, for getting pregnant with twins, for being so weak and basically a loser.

As you can see, I am a bit of a mess and totally moaning my ass off!!


  1. I'm very glad the depression is lifting, I'm sure that was very scary. I can't imagine what you are going through. Pain can be overwhelming and all encompassing. I wish there were a way for you to blink and have the pregnancy fly by and have your 2 gorgeous babies, and a healthy back.

  2. Not a lot of room for advice but to say that as an almost 44 year old woman with a an almost 3 year old toddler who weighs 35 pounds and still wants to be picked up from time to time (and me with a good back) consider your life and possible limitations beyond infancy.

    I think of you daily and send decision making and healing thoughts your way.

  3. sweetie pie
    gosh darn EB, what a truck load of shite you are dealing with.
    So-- one thing first-- YOU-- acupuncture? Helped a dog I once had like a miracle-- I'm just sayin'.
    Second, a lovely lady I know had a baby-- a miracle alone, I realize, but she was also a paraplegic. It is possible to do this, you may need different help than you would ideally wish, but shit, you have a back that is different than you would ideally wish too--

    think about help, and think about the fact that parents and families look a million different ways, and people of all body abilities do it (albeit with assistance). But a lot of people decide not to do it too. And if that is the right decision, then it just is. Pain is really scary and I have no idea how you feel, but it sure sounds horrid. I'm with Soapchick. Wish I could blink you through this.

    sending love and a wish for you for longer moments of comfort.

  4. Progesterone is the exact drug that made me nutso. The pill form is the worst. Is that what you're on? It sucks every bit of life out of you. I can't even begin to imagine adding pain meds. to that. Your ass must be dragging on the floor! Not to mention the puddles of tears you're probably sitting in from the pain and depression. You poor girl. You will snap out of it once they kill the progesterone.

    Don't try to be superwoman. Get plenty of rest and don't lift those cute kitties anymore. No matter how much they stare you down!


  5. Being pregnant with twins is hard. All those hormones messing with your head. I get it.

    Don't beat yourself up about "not dealing with your back". It's not like there are any really good solutions out there. My husband had back surgery, because he had no other choice and was in a lot of pain, and it didn't go so well. He's been dealing with chronic pain for the last 5 years. It's hard, no doubt.

    You are in a tough, tough position. I know what it's like to want children badly, but being scared shitless with the reality of being pregnant with twins, knowing full well you do not have the capacity to raise them alone. I hope you can find some solution to this. Hugs.

  6. "consider your life and possible limitations beyond infancy..." not the most comforting advice. geez.

    I've had my fair share of back ailments my entire adult life (major sciatica and herniated discs.) I went through a lot of physical therapy and acupuncture and got amazing results (and much needed relief.) hang in there and consider looking into alternative treatments.

  7. I've got no words of wisdom for you here. But what I do know is that eventually, just as this fog of depression has lifted, so will the confusion of what to do next. Lots of hugs and positive thoughts are being sent your way from over here!

  8. I'm glad the depression is lifting - everything else is twice as impossible when your brain won't let you be. And on that note - you are not NOT not weak &/or a loser. You're dealing with some seriously unpleasant shit, and you seem to me to be doing it with honesty and grace. We should all be so strong and determined. Thinking of you with respect and much liking and best wishes for future (& present, of course) happiness.

  9. You are an amazing woman, and one of the strongest people I know. DO NOT let this depression fog your brain, please wait for the drug haze to clear before you make any final decisions! I know you will make the best decisions for you and your family. I can't imagine having to deal with all this while in terrible pain. Hoping you can get some relief soon!

  10. Oh poor you, EB - I'm so sorry you haven't been able to take some time to enjoy this pregnancy yet...What a horrible time you are having and my heart wrenches for you and all the thoughts that are running through your head. As many have said before me, once you get the progesterone and the pain killers out of your system, you will feel like the strong, intelligent, capable woman that you are. I recall a post or two of yours about the fact that due to your wonderful career success you do have a financial cushion. I am with mekate on this one - first, see an acupuncturist as soon as you can (if yours doesn't than preferably get someone who specializes in backs if there is such a thing). Next, figure out what kind of help you will need during and after your pregnancy. As has been pointed out here already, people with all kinds of limitations have children. They don't need to be picked up forever, for goodness sake!
    Sending you lots of good, positive, loving energy - you will get through this.

  11. What an awful and scary day for you. I like some of the suggestions other commenters made. It seems like there has GOT to be a way for you to make it through the pregnancy with medical assistance - be it pain shots and bed rest or something. I'm so sorry you're having to think about such hard decisions -- all while you're in pain, depressed, and having morning sickness. This is more than any one person should have to deal with. My poor EB. I hope your DH is being supportive.

  12. A lady in my office had back surgery and it was the best thing that could have happened to her. Instead of constantly being plagued by a bad back, she could actually live normally. You'll get through whatever you need to!

  13. Hey! Don't call my pal EB a loser. I may have to just get out my wet noodle. I'm sorry that you are in pain. I wish there was some way to solve this. Wishing you peace in your difficult decisions ahead. Who knows, maybe reducing some of the danged hormones may help a lot.