I've been off the heavy pain meds for a few days and the chemical depression is lifting. It was a little scary there for a while. I was talking about throwing in the towel and walking away etc.
Anyhow, I just got back from my very first 1/2 block walk. Agony but hell, I did it.
I have been feeling totally crap for a while and putting most of it down to morning sickness. Well, it turns out that the majority of my symptoms are actually to do with the progesterone. And Dr J will be bringing my PIO shots down next week. Whoo hooo. The intense flu like symptoms will bugger off, apparently.
So, slowly and with a dreadful amount of tears and feeling sorry for myself, I am emerging. I can start to process all the info we have gotten from the specialist. The body specialist (those concerned with my spine) are not too encouraging for either the pregnancy or life with little ones. They are worried enough if I have one baby to pick up and two they all say will end in surgery on my back. The baby doctors are all saying keep both and expect a lousy pregnancy.
Honestly I am in a total state of fear and shock. I have moments of excitement about being pregnant and what is happening but mostly, I am shit scared. And that surprises me. I know I want a family. That isn't the issue. Its the physical pain I am fearful of. I am in pain most of the day (not as much pain, tho) and at night I sleep for 90 mins before the pain wakes me up and I have to find another position. I know this will pass mentally but emotionally I am stuck. I can't pick up my cat never mind a toddler. I am only able to walk with two crutches. How can I do this at 7 months pregnant???? I am beating myself up for having a bad back, not dealing with the nerve thing when I had the chance, for getting pregnant with twins, for being so weak and basically a loser.
As you can see, I am a bit of a mess and totally moaning my ass off!!