I know mood swings are part of the deal but I seem to be swinging from depressed to despondent. Last night. by the time Dh came home I was a total and utter mess. I sobbed and sobbed on the poor guy.
What is it that I am so depressed about? I don't know. It could be all hormonal, I realise that. But I haven't really experienced this kind of feeling before.
I made an appointment to see pyschopharmacologist next week to discuss my dosage and mental health which is what I am holding on to at the moment.
Everything seems to compound the feelings. It looks like massive finance changes are afoot at work which might have major impact on my job. I found that out yesterday and today , I am already thinking I am fired , pregnant and old. I know I am very employable, and to be honest, a regular might be a good thing for me whilst we start our family. It could all be nothing, it could be something but I am going to tell my boss I am preggers before the meeting - just in case.
Did anyone have deep depression in the first trimester that lifted in the second??
Oh, and here I am, pissing and moaning again.
I posted about this on my blog. It was in September 2009 I think and was called "Let their be light." There are NO words to express the depression I experienced around week 6. I had to take Zoloft, though I was nervous it would do something awful to the baby. But I lost over 10 lbs. in a week, couldn't sleep and felt like I was going out of my mind. Ugh! I honestly don't want to recall that memory - it was that awful.
ReplyDeleteBut please see someone about this. It can spiral out of control. Of course it's hormonal, what else could it be? After my miscarriage, I honestly felt emotionally better - which was weird. And I'm terrified it'll happen again but I will NOT discontinue the Zoloft and remain in weekly therapy which I hope, combined, will see me through.
Good luck!
Yes, tell your boss about the pregnancy. At a minimum it will put your employer on notice and there are all kinds of laws protecting women from pregnancy discrimination (only meaning that they may think twice before firing you).
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you'll be going to see a professional to help you sort through your thoughts and feelings. It could be more, but it could also in part be the normal questioning that all of us go through once we are finally pregnant. All the questions, like, What the heck have I done? Are we doing the right thing? Am I really ready for a baby? Can we really afford a baby? And on and on. Feelings of fear, uncertainty and anxiety are all part of it. And hopefully you're just going through the normal paces (which should also dissipate with time) and it's not something more serious.
EB, you are brave, you are determined, and you have endured so much. Never feel badly for losing it from time to time, or for needing to seek help and reassurance. You're doing things right, taking care of yourself and the baby.
EB- I have been experiencing the same depression. It's on and off, not every single day, but certainly a few days here and there. I can't seem to attribute it to anything specific, after all, I'm finally Pregnant!!! But I do believe it's the massive hormones our bodies are bombarded with. Hang in there, it will be better.
ReplyDeleteOh EB. I am so sorry you are going through these rounds of shit. It WILL get better. I was depressed for quite awhile, several of the first months in fact. I attributed it to being so completely sick (mine was physical, yours sounds to be both physical and mental) and from the anxiety I was having about all of the bleeding. Eventually, I learned to cope (still am) with the vomiting, and the bleeding stopped (ironically about the time we lost the triplet which makes me think there was something amiss with the placenta.) Since I am self-employed, there were many days I just stayed in bed. Some days I cried, some days I felt guilty and thought we had made a bad decision to do IVF, some days I never showered or changed out of my pajamas. Other days I took a bath for several hours or slept, and then managed to get through the day. I am certain there are levels of anxiety and fear that surround us IF'ers once we are pregnant that are far different from the rest of the world. Find one or two things in your life that you can fall back on to help you emotionally and physically. For me, it was the bathtub. Get disability leave from work NOW if you have to.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're going to see someone about the depression. Quite honestly, being PG is hitting me in the exact opposite way - I'm all blissed out all the time. But since that is NOT my normal m.o., it tells me just how incredibly powerful these hormones are - and if IVF has taught me anything, it's how very much at the beck & call of hormones my emotions really are. Hang in there, and get the help you need. Thinking of you and wishing you a bit of my bliss. It's disorienting, but beats the hell out of the alternative...
ReplyDeleteDear EB,
ReplyDeleteSorry I have been MIA recently. I have been reading on my I-phone in bed at night but not commenting on many blogs.
You sound like you are going through a scary rollercoaster that also goes through hedges backwards. I agree it must be the hormones. Not to mention the back pain and having to work and just getting through the day.
I hope your psychopharmacologist can help and adjust your dosage or try something else. I love that you have a psychopharmacologist. Most people just have a psychiatrist. Being a mental health professional who takes prozac I am interested in the difference - if there is one.
And I'm kinda curious to see what you are taking and what the plan is for the pregnancy. I have been consulting with my psychiatrist about this for the past 2 plus years and our plan is for me to stay on prozac until I get pregnant and perhaps the first trimester and then taper off after that. I got onto prozac about 1.5 yrs ago for this very reason and that there is a lot of literature about it and pregnancy. I am wondering how the life without prozac might be. I have been on anti-depressants practically non-stop since the age of 21 - which is 21 years! Yikes!
But enough about me. i hope that work gets better and the bastards treat you like a queen once they find out you are pregnant!
(((HUGS)))
Hi EB -- sending love and hoping you're having an easier day today. I am in awe of you -- how even feeling like crap you're so totally on top of figuring out how to make things better; what you can do; how to get help. I'm sure you're still holding together whatever needs to be held together at work too. Thinking of you,
ReplyDeleteElizabeth