Thursday, August 13, 2009

Bargaining power - update

Super coordinator called. I went in today to see if I was ovulating and the answer is no. Mmn. I maybe going back to the 35 day cycle. So she said "come back in on Monday and test again. we shall push the donor start date by a week just to make sure you are ready"

I have a really bad feeling. Oh my, oh my. I feel like this is not going to work. Think I am gonna throw up. Oh crap. I think DC will mess up. I think my body will be all funky and not care. I think the donor will flake or not have good quality eggs. I also have ovulation pains. Maybe I went through menopause last week and didn't notice.


And so it starts.... the bargaining with whatever higher power there may be...

Over tip the the taxi driver on the way to the hospital
Smile at everyone just in case
Be reallllllllly nice to the tech
Smile to everyone on the way out

Maybe if I do all this you will let me get pregnant?

ay ay ay. I am such a rational person. I study cultural irrationalities for a living. However, I am wearing a good luck Maori charm from NZ for this cycle! I am being super nice to everyone just in case. I am thanking 'something' every time I get a taxi without too much of a wait or the person serving me at *$ is pleasant or something positive happens!!

In truth I am swinging from excited to terrified every single moment. So many DE cycles work but 35% don't and I have never fared well with luck.

I must be clutching onto a notion of 'faith' because it seems to be the only way I can cope. What do I believe in ? Life. Or to be more exact the power of kinetic living interactions ( I sound like Tom Cruise!) I believe every living thing adds in some way to the whole experience of existence for the others. I believe we are all responsible for each other. Which, I know, is the tenant of at least 3 religious texts however I do not believe that we are creations of something omnipresent and all knowing and the h/she/them have a plan for us.

I know lots of you have strong faith in your organised religious groups and I am in no way negating your faith or doubting your belief. As I heard in a movie once - I am not blessed with faith. And at times like this, I wish I was.


  1. Good luck - I know that grasping feeling of making everything a good sign - and why not? If it makes you feel better, great. Hoping with all I've got that you defy any 35%, and you go all the way this time!

  2. Hi there

    I nominated you for an award on my blog

  3. big GIANT (((HUG)))
    you need one sweetie. maybe 2.


  4. Oh sweetie pie, I am so with you-- Good luck good luck good luck, I will cross my fingers, and pray to whatever or whose-ever gods might be listening, and hope hope hope this just simply works out without dragging you over the coals in the meantime.

    Fear and hope, this is the stuff of life--
    Yeah baby.

    thinking of you and so very hopeful,

  5. Hey, where's our wagging NY'er? I know it's easy to slip into a negative mind set periodically. To worry and wonder and just KNOW you can't possibly win the lottery. But a successful pregnancy won't necessarily be smooth all the way. Don't let your late cycle be an indicator. Remember my cycle was cancelled TWO DAYS before transfer? For a moment, it felt like the end. But we didn't want to rush anything. Neither do you. Wait, like a wise predator, for the perfect moment to spring and capture the prize. Wait for the planets to align, for the stars to give you a sign, for the moment to be right. And it will. And when all is right for this to work, it will fall into place and leave you surprised and amazed. Then you'll get pregnant and worry some more. Just as we all do. But we'll be here to soothe you and reassure you and help you along. So breathe, and say aloud, "Patience."

  6. Well -- it sucks to be worried and uncertain. I hope monitoring helps and the DE people get their. . .act. . .together, and you hit your stride again with this. So very, very hopeful for you, and so excited by the possibility of knitting hats for sweet EB baby(ies) in, I guess, June! A solstice baby. Longest day. Love to you,