Monday, August 9, 2010

Big baby mamma

I had a bit of a meltdown today.

I have no biological family coming to my big day. In fact, i have no biological family seeing the kids till October. Why? Because that's what they have decided is best for them. It's not the first or last time I'll go through some monumental life moment without them but each time there's a conversation when someone asks for permission, asks to be let off the hook, to be made to feel less guilty about not being there for me. And each time I go along with it and say mind numbing platitudes so that everyone, except me, feels that all is OK.

This time I didn't say it was OK but I didn't let them know that I feel lonely and afraid and it would be nice to know my family put me before the beach holiday or the weather or their own fears.

Maybe that's why I started this blog? Maybe that is why I should start a new blog when my lovelies are here - a mommy blog as Kate put it. It won't alter the family dynamic or get me to state my needs explicitly which would be the healthiest thing to do but I will hear from you - from the folks that understand, and that make a difference. I will feel connected.

I'm such a spoilt brat, moaning that no-one loves me when in fact I am surrounded by love. Love of different sorts and different expressions but love non the less.

Maybe I am more anxious than I realize :-)


  1. Shhhh....there, there, Darling, don't be anxious. This is going to be one of the BEST experiences of your whole life! I promise. I am a bit jealous that I can't do it all again. I want you to look forward to Friday with all your heart. Really. It will be wonderful.

    I'm sorry your family didn't come through. Mine neither. My mom came to town to look at homes to buy and left TWO DAYS before I gave birth. Such are families.

    But I am excited that you are considering a mommy blog! Yay! We will be here. We will understand. We will take your side. Always.

    Now breathe and know that life is about to get amazingly fabulous!

  2. Hi EB -- I was nervous too and worried. I mean, holy crap, it's a big deal. Enjoy the nervous, it's one step closer. You'll do great, and your DH and friends will come through with all the help you need, and the night nurse will help too, It may be that it will all be easier if it's not your family because, well, families are families.

    I offer this, because it seems like you might be a little bit of a planner. I really, really wish I had thought through EXACTLY what I was going to do with the baby once I got home. Exactly. Of course it won't go just as planned and you'll adjust, but if I had to do it again I would: write down a schedule (e.g., feed, diaper, sleep, pump, me time whatever), figure out what we were eating for the next 10 meals or so, get all the me stuff and baby stuff totally ready, and schedule a lactation consultant/home nurse visit just for reassurance. You'll also have to take the babies to the pediatrician to be checked a few days after they come home. . .have that told you about that yet? You probably can schedule it.

    I hope you keep in touch in some way, whatever way is comfortable for you; I will miss you if you disappear.

    Just think EB, the family you're creating *will* be here this week. They arrive on Friday! Thinking of you and sending love,


  3. It is such a shame when we are chronically disappointed by the ones that are supposed to be supporting us the most. I gave up all expectations where my family is concerned. And, not for them, but for me.

    I, too, am grateful for this web community who have ushered me through many events when my real life folks weren't there.

    And, it's ok to have a pity party as long as you don't wallow in it. It's not worth it, really. You will have your precious babies and I dare say they will heal you.

  4. I'm sorry this is so hard - living away from family is always difficult, and you're farther away than most. Just think, though, in a very short period of time you'll be the matriarch of your own family - and I do hope you'll continue to blog - whether on this or on a new 'mommy blog'. The web is a lovely tool for connecting with others, (and I'd really miss reading your updates if you go offline!) Take care. Thinking of you.

  5. I like your style. Don't go away when the babies are born? :)

    Congratulations. How magnificent.

  6. EB - I'm sorry you are so saddened by the absence of your family for this epic event. HOwever, if I could share my story it might help just a bit. My entire family was there shortly after the birth and it was very hectic for me. I found that I was uncomfortable learning how to breastfeed in front of so many family members. I found the recovery difficult when I had family traipsing in & out of my room all day long. When I came home, my mom helped out by doing laundry and dishes and generally cooking/straightening up, which was a HUGE help. But after a week, I tired of her presence and just wanted to be alone with my babies and my husband. I found it too emotionally charged to have her here while I was adjusting to sleeplessness and new parenting. It's nice to have family there to meet the new little ones, but it's also VERY nice to have a baby nurse for nights and NO family for at least the first few weeks so that you can recover physically and mentally from their birth. I know you'll be fine and I really think friends are easier to be around in the early days of new parenting - they are less judgmental and less bossy, easier to ask for what you need and less emotional about your requests/needs, etc. My mom is still hurt that we asked her to go home and visit anytime she wants - she really wants to be our night nurse and to do our laundry/cooking/cleaning, but we find it too emotionally charged to have her here more than a few hours each week. By the time your family visits, you'll have the babies on a schedule and you'll be feeling much better physically and emotionally. try to look on the bright side of this situation.

    and if u ever need me, i'm right here thru the holland tunnel.


  7. You are absolutely not a spoiled brat! I'm so sorry your family isn't going to be here, and I'm glad you didn't act as if it was ok. ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))