I had a bit of a meltdown today.
I have no biological family coming to my big day. In fact, i have no biological family seeing the kids till October. Why? Because that's what they have decided is best for them. It's not the first or last time I'll go through some monumental life moment without them but each time there's a conversation when someone asks for permission, asks to be let off the hook, to be made to feel less guilty about not being there for me. And each time I go along with it and say mind numbing platitudes so that everyone, except me, feels that all is OK.
This time I didn't say it was OK but I didn't let them know that I feel lonely and afraid and it would be nice to know my family put me before the beach holiday or the weather or their own fears.
Maybe that's why I started this blog? Maybe that is why I should start a new blog when my lovelies are here - a mommy blog as Kate put it. It won't alter the family dynamic or get me to state my needs explicitly which would be the healthiest thing to do but I will hear from you - from the folks that understand, and that make a difference. I will feel connected.
I'm such a spoilt brat, moaning that no-one loves me when in fact I am surrounded by love. Love of different sorts and different expressions but love non the less.
Maybe I am more anxious than I realize :-)