One year today

This week, in 2009, we transferred 5 embies. Oh yes, 5. All best quality. I was in the chair, zonked out and the doc kept asking me if I was OK with 5. I remember saying 'I just want babies'. Not a baby. Babies. I wanted two perfect little mushy cheeks. I knew Mimi & Pip were out there somewhere and just needed a way to get to me. 

That transfer was our last shot. We had spent all our savings and we had spent all our effort. Too many losses, too many D&E's, too many hopes shattered, too much and too many. Neither one believed that this last round, with this crazy polish doctor,  was going to work, so we  started planning long ass trips. One to Mongolia, another to the plains of Argentina and yet another to Chile. Child free living meant writing travel books with my dh taking photo's.
And then.
And then
Post transfer I followed doctors very conservative orders and lay flat all week. On the last day I was exhausted and really cold. I took an EPT test. BFN. I reasoned that if I transferred 5 that I would get an early BFN. I wasn't surprised or disappointed. I was kind of relieved deep down inside. I could stop trying, stop with the damn injections, the doctor visits before work, paying HUGE bills, working 12 hours a day full of Lupron.
I had to go to crazy polish doctor one last time (I wanted to drop off the needles I had left over). She looked at me and asked me to go pee in a cup. No point, I told her. Already have. Its over.
She said something in Polish and it wasn't complimentary. I went and peed in a cup.
After a moment she called me over. She had this super smug look on her face and her nurses were beaming.

The world stopped turning. Could it be??? I remember I snarled "don't mess with me" (which given that I am British must have sounded hilarious).

Here you are, she said. I looked at the test. I couldn't understand the damn thing.
I burst into tears. What is it? I sobbed.
You are pregnant. Congratulations.
I don't know who said that because I had my face in my hands weeping loudly. Wailing,  really. I remember lots of people hugging me and then ushering me out of the practice and into a cab. I was told to go straight home and rest, drink lots of water and come back in a few days.

One year ago today.

Mimi and Pip. Mum and Dad.