Friday, October 1, 2010


Sprogblogger wrote a wonderful post about what its like being the mum in the donor gamete situation. We decided to tell the kids first and go through a slow process of acceptance/normalisation. This is the approach we were counselled through at CCRM.

It isn't too far from the process of adoption realisation.

It is a hard process. I have kept this all important info from my parents and family. I feel like I am lying to to them. My mum keeps asking who they look like. I keep saying they both look like my DH's side of the family. Now, remember, they are mostly 'gone' so it's not like we are all going to be sitting around the kitchen table together.

Who do they look like? Not me. They have the same hand movements as their dad and one has his ears, the other his chin etc. When we go out with them a few people say they look like me. Either they are blind or just being nice.

But here's the thing. I'm a carbon copy of my mother in looks. We are similar in mannerisms but not behavioral development. More importantly I am 'like' my mum in important ways - my integrity, my dedication to hard work, my mothering essence (love, love, love).
My kids have the chance to not inherit my depressions, my fat ass, my dyslexia, my dreadful legs. They have a chance to live without an addictive mind - one that could have made me an alcoholic or drug addict or anorexic or compulsive spender. They will have my ability to stick with it, to work very hard to channel one's energies towards a positive outcome; like persisting through all the odds so that I can look to my left to see my two sleeping children. My daughter. My son. Mine.


  1. wow - I'm going through the same thought process. My mom keeps asking the same thing, and they both really look like my husband. Inside, I'm grateful that they won't have my mom's genes - alcoholism, depression and other assorted problems. My kids will have a better chance at life, to make something of themselves without these inherited weaknesses. I love them and they are mine, no matter what.

  2. I'm in the same boat, too. So many people either automatically say the baby looks like my DH (big head, blue eyes), or they say they can see both of us in the baby. Um, okay. And I too can think of 100 things I'm glad the baby won't inherit from either of us. But as I look at him each day, and as he looks back into my eyes, I realize we are perfectly mommy and baby boy. And when I feel like I'm lying to people, I reassure myself that this is OUR private story, and nobody else is ENTITLED to know anything. All they need to know is what they see: a family.

  3. I thought it was hilarious when my doctor (who very well knows we used DE) told my dad from the 3D ultrasound that she thought the baby looked like him! I'm in the opposite situation in that everybody knows and has known our story from the get go. I'm also so glad that he won't be able to inherit my depression too. Now that he has arrived I can say that I feel that possessive mine - none of it matters but that.