Sunday, March 23, 2014

Why I am not mad just crazy

Here is what life is like with two small kids, one big job, life in a big city in a small apartment and a family full of big dreams.

I dream of going back to freelancing nearly every day but we have to have financial security of an office job for now (for reasons I can't explain here I am financially supporting three families). However, I keep my options open by doing freelance gigs on the side. Does that expand my working week by double - hell yeah - but we need the money and I need the escape hatch to be fully burrowed out :)

However, with my loony toons brain I am forever walking the tightrope between doing OK emotionally and tumbling into panic, anxiety and depression.

You know what keeps me afloat? Yup, the cheeky tots. I hug them and kiss them, cuddle and snuggle and my panic recedes.

Last time I held on to my kids for dear life I thought 'is this healthy? are there others like me?" and it turns out there are. I found a study that said lots of women with toddlers are exhausted and depressed but the smell and touch of the kids released endorphins to caused them to mentally stabilize.

I am running out of time with my kids. They start pre K in the autumn and then what? Well, then we don't need to pay for full time childcare, that's what. Then I might be able to go back to being a freelancer  - get up super early and work, then get the kids up and take to school, then work till they get out of school and spend the rest of time with the kids.
Maybe its a pipe dream or in reality its a nightmare or I am just a 'grass is greener' type of person.

Having options is sure lucky tho and for that I am grateful for my gift of life - my kids.


  1. That's an awful lot to have on your shoulders. Can DH carry the financial load for a while? Even your pipe dream seems like a lot to have on your shoulders. You need YOU time.

  2. I think you are right to keep things in perspective. . .you are bearing a pretty big burden right now, but it's not for forever. Wait, it's not, right? :) You'll be okay. I'm only supporting one family, and I do all of those things.