Sunday, October 18, 2009

Rainy Sundays ... great excuse.

I was supposed to go to an adoption convention today but enough! I am taking an intellectual break for a while. I want to have some freakin' fun.

I booked a quick vacation to see my folks in November and DH is seeing if he can get compassionate leave. We stay in the only hotel nr the village that my brother lives in. Its in an business park - but a really English version of a business park (think the Office) but they have a great fitness center and a spa (it's a kind of gym for local elite) and that means I get to take my 5 yr old nephew swimming. yeah.

DH told me last night that all this stuff is really getting to him. He lost both his parents when too young and has no family to speak of. He has had a really hard time with all the rejection and failures. Emotionally, I think he is wrung out.

A surprising thing happened when I opened my mouth to comfort him.
" If this is all too much we stop, babe. We stop the treatments and the adoptions and we start to live as a child free couple. We have done more than was asked in order to make this happen and it hasn't. You just say the word."

Of course he said he couldn't do that to me. But at the time, and still today, I meant it. There is only so much we can handle. There is only so much I am willing to put him and myself through. I imagined a houseful of kids but we have other options, as sad as that feels right now. We'll do a cycle with DrJ and DH won't have to do anything before December. I am going to make a concerted effort to talk about and think about other things whilst we are together.

Want to know the most bitter irony of all. My brother and his wife got pregnant on the first try - the first try, the very first try. But she only wants 1 kid (since being preggers makes her look fat) so they aren't having any more.


  1. You're a good woman. So compassionate to think of your DH, what he is going through (as though you haven't been through hell yourself) and to consider the possibility of life without children. To imagine finally letting go of the string, and watching the balloon sail away. I feel so sad about this. You are always in my thoughts and I will pray that Dr J will create a miracle. In the mean time, I'm sorry for the bitter pills that burn in your throat. Like the sil who got pg in one try but doesn't like looking fat. SO not fair.

  2. I've been gone for a few days to Chicago sweetie pie so I've missed the evolution of your feelings and plans until today! I'm glad you are starting to feel better; dh will in time as well. It just sucks in the meantime. You two are such a great couple and I'm so glad you are putting your relationship first. How exciting about Dr. Jessie. I'm really hoping that she can do for you what she did for my friend Caren!

  3. Dear EB -- I can't say it any better than BWUB did, but I want to echo how very much I want this to work for you, in every way: happy, peaceful you; happy, peaceful DH; happy, healthy child or children. I want it all for you and feel so proud of you, and so sad, to think of you thinking about the new what ifs. Hopeing for some days or weeks when you can find and be yourself without the constinuous subtext of ART, eating (healthy) dinners, singing, working, working out (I so admire that you do that!). And then I hope for a peaceful cycle with the new DrJ and, in the end, an August or September baby or babies and then a transition to the next chapter. You are one tough cookie -- you get through all this shit like no one else. Love to you,

  4. I understand your feelings. My husband lost his father young (13) and has no relationship with his mother or brother.

    He has lost all optimism regarding our situation. It makes me so sad.

    I hope we both find our way.

  5. I know how difficult this struggle/journey must be for both of you. My husband and I are in the same place - so close to calling it quits but we are giving it one final try. I hope this last try with Dr Jessie is the answer for you. Enjoy your break!

  6. Popped in from the crème de la crème list.

    That's an enormous sacrifice to make.
    I don't think I would be able to make it.