Wednesday, October 14, 2009

OK. Here I am.

Still sad. And still mad as hell that C/l fucked up our expensive treatment. But, the sadness is settling into a basic funk which is easy to categorise as PMS.

My RE called yesterday. She was really upset. I mean genuinely upset. Quite a weird conversation. I agreed to come in today to see her for my WTF conversation and I shall go through what I think happened and how Melissa is a nice enough women but a crap coordinator. I dreamt that they say - hell, we will give you a 50% refund or, wait, we just have to have these perfect babies someone left a while back - you want??

I decided to go all out today. Phoned in sick. Went for a really long massage, long walk, the consolation cup of coffee (very big cup of coffee) and a diet coke. At some point very soon sushi will be in my life. My darling friend got us tix to go to the opera, another is taking me out for lunch tomorrow and you guys, I have you guys. Your words were amazing - the agent that helped me emerge from all the guilt, blame, fury and grief.
And for the record - I am glad I tested on Sat. It gave me a three day lead on the grief.

Still not sure what to do next, whether to give up, do it all, do a bit. My instinct is to go with the FET if we can do it this upcoming cycle. Its cheaper than a whole new cycle and less hassle. We are starting our adoption route too. Tonight is the international adoption class at Spence -C. My friend is the next door neighbour of the 'Adoption Doctor' (she's a name in adoption circles apparently) and has offered to introduce us. We have the Embryo adoption route. And thanks to wonderful Soapchick we have Dr Jessie that has a really great batting average if we do another cycle. In 2006 this Dr had 11 DE patients and 11 DE patients to full term.

So, I am emerging. Still as fragile as all get out but through the worst. I am thinking about my gym routine, how to lose this next 10 pounds and all the little trips I can now make. I am looking forward to being hormone balanced for a little while. I am looking forward to not thinking about 'if' and 'what if' for a while.

Again, thanks guys.


  1. Day by day, my dear.

    (Hugs) Lots of 'em

  2. I'm glad to see that you are doing things that are nice for you (massage, opera, etc.). Take time to think this through, gather the information you need to make a good decision -- you know the drill. But most of all, take time to be nice for yourself.

  3. good for you, coffee, diet coke, opera, and lunch with friends....take care of you first and foremost ((hugs))

  4. Don't worry about making a decision right away, you certainly can wait a week before committing to ANYTHING. But I think it is Amazing!!!! that you have your WTF appt tomorrow! If you remember, my last one, after a BFN, was TWO MONTHS later. IDIOTS. I am going to make my WTF appt before I transfer if we go again. I can always cancel!

    And I am so interested to hear about the adoption thing, hope it looks promising.

    And the most important question - what opera?!!! Inquiring minds and all...

  5. Maybe C'nell can get your lining figured out before the FET. But I think it's great you've got them. Soapchick's doc sounds like a winner! Gosh, can you transport your frosties to that doc? You keep taking care of yourself, keep breathing, and a way through all of this will eventually reveal itself. Love, T.