I know all of the above are the effects of the lovely PIO but I don't care. The way I see it is I am practicing for when it is real. Which could be now. Which we could find out tomorrow.
So last night my DH was shooting a concert and my shot time came and went. I know there is a three hour window but that makes me nervous. I prepared everything and stood in front of the mirror like the 2934987 times before. Just like before I look at the needle and think "oh c'mon you baby, c'mon!!" at which point I usually lose my nerve and wait for DH. This time however.... I pushed the needle against my skin (ouch, fucking ouch) and then just kept pushing. I did it!! I gave myself my first PIO shot. HOT DAMN am I proud of myself. Conquering fear really gives me a feeling of control. I actually thought to myself "ha, take that infertility".
Last night I went to see a one women show about an end of life health care provider (palliative care). There was a bit about her grandfather. How he lost his baby son. I was ready to lose it. I was so not gonna do that in public in front of the writer I am working with. I pinched my arm so hard I broke the skin. Amazing how we live in hope of life and yet carry the shadow of loss everyday. I had prepared to see and hear death with the play, just not feel my deaths again.
It's Friday. Oh yes, it's Friday and I do, Soapchick, have Monday off. FIESTA!!!!!!!!!