Tuesday, October 13, 2009



I thought I would be OK. But deep down inside I hoped for a 49. I hoped for a positive. I had to leave work. I kept it together until I closed my apartment door. Then it all fell apart. The seams ripped open.

Yesterday I made i list of options
  • try another DE cycle: Lovely Soapchick put me in touch with someone that had used an RE called Dr Jessie. I went to see her yesterday and in a flash I had an ultrasound and a ton of blood work drawn. Too quick though. She made me anxious and whilst her CDC rating is high her customer satisfaction is not. Her rating is very high - the cdc reported that in 2006 she did 11 DE's and 11 went to birth.
  • We have the frosties and at least they are in an environment that I know, which brings me some peace.
  • We have our first adoption intro tomorrow.

But I don't want any of them. I want to be done with options. I want this time to be my turn. I want to have lost 35 pounds, saved $20K of our hard earned money, not traveled or gone on vacation and had weekly acupuncture to be pregnant, pregnant, pregnant, pregnant, pregnant.

I just don't know where to put all this sadness.


  1. one word (or maybe more)HUGS to you.

  2. I'm so sorry EB. I know how much it hurts. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I can tell you 3 months on that it took me about a month of being super sad and angry, but now I'm happy again. You will be too. Take the time to grieve and hug your hubby, go on a trip, etc. I probably gave you the info on Dr. Jessie too soon - sounds like the timing was not right. I'm sorry, I should have waited. Just breathe and cry for now. It will get better, I promise.

  3. Even with DE it does not guarantee a BFP. We know that going in but our hopes are high because we got those young eggs going in. What you might want to do is go to a clinic that is associated with the Attain IVF refund program (formerly called Shared Risk). I went with that because you get three fresh DE cycles and unlimited FET if you have frosties. If you don't take a healthy baby home from the hospital you get 100% of your money back. It is a hard check to write but believe me it was worth it. It takes that extra financial stress off if it does not work.

    Hang in there. Take your time to mourn as we all have. You will in time find the right decision for you and your DH.

  4. I am so, so sorry. I had this same day not too long ago. DE is not a guarantee and we are proof of that. Nothing I say today will make anything feel better, but know that I am here no matter what journey you take next.

  5. I've been following your blog for awhile & am so sorry for this pain. I hope you find the strength to hold on & come to some sort of peace -whether it's another cycle or adoption. Wishing you nothing but good luck going forward.

  6. Shit. Shit. Shit. I'm sorry. I know that doesn't do much. You have options to consider, like you said. But you should go relax somewhere, even if it's the spa down the street. Check in and don't check out for a few days.

  7. The sadness is awful and you didn't deserve it. Hang in there, this sucks!

  8. Fucking hell. I am so sorry and angry and want to scream and cry and kick and punch things! It's not fair, it's wrong, it sucks and I hate hate hate IF.

    I am holding out for your frosties, EB, and for any other options you feel are right for you, because I am so sure and hopeful that there is a baby, if not several, in your future.

    Lots of love and hugs and good thoughts,

  9. I'm so sorry. DE is "supposed" to work. And when it doesn't, WTF?? Big, big hugs.

  10. I read this at work. I'm so so sorry. I totally relate to how you are feeling. I have options too, but I don't want options...I want to be pregnant. I am broken and unsure what to do next.

    My next step will probably be donor eggs and I am starting to work this up in my head as "the answer". I'm so sorry it wasn't your answer this time.

  11. Oh EB, I am so sorry for your negative beta. I wanted this to work for you more than I can say. I was hopeful, truly, all the way through yesterday when you poas and got that negative. I hate this for you, hate the struggle and the million ways that things suck ass.

    I do know this: there is no way to really prepare ourselves for this shite, the negatives, the things not working, the falling on the wrong side of statistics. I know that each time, no matter what I *know*, what I feel is pure raw crap. So
    I am thinking of you
    and wishing this were different
    and wishing that this had been your ticket out of here.
    No matter what happens next, I hope it is something you can feel good about, and right, and can move forward into it with an open hopeful heart, in spite of all you know and all that sucks.
    thinking of you and sending love

  12. damnit, I was wishing and praying that you did not have to think of options that you would get your wish. it totally sucks. and even though we try and prepare ourselves, when we get that final answer, it still crushes our heart, no matter how hard we try to prepare.
    sending you a big hug and wishing you a little peace to decide what comes next, because one beauty of this journey is we do get to decide that.

  13. Oh man, EB, I am so so sorry. Just reading the pain in your post is hard enough, so I cannot imagine how tough this must be for you. Take your time and grieve and then turn to thinking about what you need and want. And rest assured that there are loads of people out there in this internet land who will support whatever path you choose and wish you only peace and happiness.

  14. I am so sorry you are in this sad place. I have convinced myself that DE is my magic bullet. It sucks beyond belief that it is not. If you have the energy maybe try everything you can - frosties and adoption - a two pronged approach . Sending big hugs:)

  15. That really sucks. I hope you give yourself some time to really grieve - this is a real loss and you put in a huge amount of time and effort (and money); and even though we all know statistically some people are going to be on the wrong side of the odds, it is awful when it is you. Thinking of you sister. Hang in there.

  16. I'm SOOO sorry EB. this should have been "it" for you. my stomach hurts . my heart hurts. I'm so friggin' sorry. I want this nightmare to end. you should be happy.

    and you will be happy again one day. there is a little soul waiting somewhere that will call you "mom."

  17. Oh, EB - I'm so, so sorry for you. I was really hoping & praying that this would be your cycle. Hang in there, the storm does pass. thinking of you...xoxo

  18. I am so sorry EB. I wish I had magic words for you right now. It completely sucks. No one knows what it is like unless you go through it. You have options but take it easy for a bit. Take time for you. Your in my thoughts.