Thursday, October 15, 2009


When I got to see my RE yesterday (for the first time in 2 years she was on time) she had all the answers you would expect. No idea why it didn't work. The cramping after transfer was due to my enormous ovaries and oporater error, apparently. So sorry. Such a huge disappointment.

She called me later in the day. She wants to do a h/sonogram. She wants to check out my uterus lining.

She wants to do this AFTER we have spent all this money??? I have been at the clinic for 2 years. She told me that there may be some reason that my lining is preventing implantation. It may be too thick ( I start at 7 and go to 20)

If I wasn't so depressed I would be angry.

Last night I went to international adoption class #1. We qualify for Russia and Ethiopia. That's it. I resented sitting there, I resented listening to all the reasons why we can't adopt form 90% of the countries out there and I was tired. Yes, I went a little too early in the grieving process!

DH and I didn't discuss any of this last night. I didn't have the energy and he is depressed (which is manifested by snarling and disappearing) so I thought we could try this morning in our couples session.

I am feeling awfully sorry for myself. Hopefully my first workout in what feels like 2 months will help.


  1. I"m a quiet follower...I guess that goes with my journey in general as only a few close friends know what I have been going though with IF. I'm now well into 41 and still no baby after two and a half years plus. September was the month for me where I got yet another BFN and after all this time finally fell into grief. The grief was heavy. I resisted everything, kind words, a look in the mirror, being around people, anger in traffic and when waiting in lines. I was grieving lots of lost hopes. I was as depressed as I've ever been. I don't know if it helps to tell you this or not, but while it felt like forever, exactly one month later it lifted and I came back to life and felt lite again and have started, I guess you could say "living" again, making plans, etc. I don't know that I would describe it as hopeful, but I feel just a little more peaceful. There is friggin' no way out but through. But you WILL get on the other side, so just hang in there and do your best not to resist your feelings but just accept them, even though they are not pretty. Keep doing all your tricks and treats to make yourself feel better and eventually those efforts will pay off.

  2. I'm still SO incredibly sad for you. sucky SUCKY!

    on a strange level I am hoping there is something wrong with your lining. your RE can address/fix it and then you will have a twin BFP with your frosties. I'm still VERY hopeful. you're not out of the game yet honey! :)

  3. I think you should be very very angry. What are they doing at that place! Haven't you had all of those tests before you started IVF? They've been unprofessional from the start. Now they're trying to find error with you instead of them. If you do decide to pursue those tests, I don't think I would do it there. They've treated this whole procedure as if it were free! There is a comfort level with staying in a familiar place. But I would take those frosties and run. There should be some sort of financial accountability with these places that perform these expensive and emotionally draining procedures. They should at least fake that they care! I had a similar feeling after my last IVF. I'm almost sure that I caught something in the office during retrieval. The doctor said the eggs looked good and that we should transfer, even with a 102 fever. Two months of sickness later and a BFN and I've never heard from them since. Bastards! We all have to chant, "It's just a business for these people and we bring their stats. down!" They simply don't care as much as we would like to think.
    So WTF?! Why don't you qualify for other countries?! Don't even say that 40+ is too old, I'll take my life right now! Not even for the US or China? It probably was to early to attend that meeting. It's as if the BFN wasn't enough punishment, now you're been rejected by 90% of the world! I honestly didn't know they would do such a thing. People throw their babies into dumpsters for God's sake!
    I too haven't decided what my next step will be. I'm on baby hiatus right now. And I must say that I rather enjoy it! No running to appointments, no needles and much less stress. Sometimes being childless frightens me, but I'm coming to terms with it. This blogging really helps.
    I know your workout should refresh you at least a little. It'll help you focus on being healthy and looking good. Sorry again, and we all feel sorry for ourselves from time to time. You've earned the right.

  4. Well that's all kinds of annoying.
    Im not sure that advice on what to do with your RE is helpful right now, so I would just take it slow and take time to care for yourself. Go workout, eat good food that makes you feel healthy -- you are more than just a carrier for this potential baby, and you should focus on yourself a bit (and DH too, once he's past the snarling and withdrawing stage).

  5. I'm sorry for all the lousy awfulness you're going through right now. I like Aloha's 'tricks and treats' expression - yes, use every trick and treat in the book to heal yourself right now. Working out, yummy food, maybe a weekend getaway, whatever it takes. Then, when you're feeling strong again and up for it, do the h/songram, make sure your lining is okay or do what it needs to be okay, and go back and get your beautiful waiting frosties!
    Lots of love and hugs,

  6. Dear, sweet, EB -- WTF indeed. I've been checking in periodically but havn't had the words to comment. And I still don't, but I didn't want to lurk any longer. I am so sorry; this is true and unmitigated crap and I just wish, wish, wish that you could wake up from this dream and find yourself exactly where you want to be. You are so strong and on top of things, and have such an amazing ability to take what happens and go on to figure out what to do next. You do have, as you point out, lots of options and probably options that haven't even come to light yet.

    But, I'm sure all this doing, and figuring out, and making plans and contingency plans must have a toll, even for someone who is so good at all of it. Hoping for love and healing for you, good workouts, good food, weekend getaways, blissful massage treatments, and mostly, hoping that the fucking clinic can get it's act together and be more effective or at least nicer to work with and more supportive. Love to you,

  7. It's all so hard. I hope you can give yourself some time to grieve. It's hard to really move on to the next thing until you've given your grief it's time. Big hugs to you!!

  8. now? now? she wants to check that out? geez....little late i am sure you are thinking. And I am sorry that the adopting news wasn't all that you would have liked and that you weren't quite ready to hear it.....i wish that you didn't have to think about all of that, but i know you wish it too....hugs!

  9. I'm so so sorry. I know all about rushing into new things too early in the greiving process. Hang in there. Thinking of you.

  10. That is all sucky news. I am convinced there are some really shitty REs out there who just love to string people along for a long time. You would think it would behoove them to actually work hard to get successes if only for their stats!
    Can you get a recommendation to a really good RE. The whole adoption choice or lack of choice is also just plain miserable. I wonder why so little choice?
    I hope you can get some serious nurturing in to help you in the grieving. Hugs:)

  11. Serious WTF. I don't know how you're restraining yourself from screaming at those people. Demanding explanations. Not about your cycle, but about their methods. And NOW they want to check out your thick lining issue. Now. What, $40,000 later? Gee, thanks for the after thought. Sorry the adoption class was a bummer. And DH is in a mood. Aw, crap, honey, I'm just sorry for the whole sh*tty lot of it. Thinking of you and sending love.

  12. I second everything your other commenters have said, and wish I could just write what Elizabeth wrote to you--
    this sucks so badly, and is so disappointing, and I hate the outcome and wish it were different.
    I want for you to feel optimistic about your next step- FET-adoption--
    and yes, at this age so much is off the table- which SUCKS ROCKS.

    thinking of you and sending love,
    please take care of your wonderful and fine self EB,
    you deserve that always.