Monday, October 12, 2009

10 dp3dt

Yeah, I poas again this morning and nadda.

I started tossing around the idea of another DE cycle. We wouldn't have to borrow to pay for it, but its not like we have the cash to spare. What would it mean to our adoption plan? Why would the outcome be any different? How would I feel after that cycle failed? Can we make it through another cycle?

Why am I so hung up on getting pregnant now? I never was before. I knew I wanted to adopt when I was in my early 20s. Where does this irrational pull come from, this need to have 'our' baby?

I wrote a different post this morning but decided to edit it. It was all bile and anger. Yes, I am really, really angry this didn't work but what can I do about it.

We are going to our first adoption class on Wednesday. International adoption with a really well known agency in NYC. We qualify for Russia and Bulgaria. That just makes me laugh writing those words. I will have to learn all the new words, acronyms, expectations and rules for the PAP (pre adoption parents!!). We asked for their domestic program workshop also and we have the class in December. That gives us time for the FET ... to not work.

I am looking forward to hearing the end tomorrow so I can let go. I need to let go and be someplace else for a while. I always said that if this didn't work I would go on a fancy vacation someplace. I think I shall go to a really good spa and just work out every day, all day, get great massages and sleep.

Thanks for your responses yesterday. It helps to think things through.


  1. I'm so sorry EB. Many hugs to you. I know there are no words that will change this, but know this = you will be okay. I sent you an email too.

  2. I'm devastated. I can't even collect my thoughts and write anything that makes sense. I'm just so sorry... so friggin sorry.

    (does cornell do shared risk?)

  3. oh no, ugh. I know things are not looking good, but I still am praying for you. but I also understand your need to explore adoption at this point. life certainly is not an easy ride with IF. ((hugs))

  4. Well crap. I'm sorry EB. I really thought this would be the one for you. I don't know what to tell you about another DE cycle. I have a lot of mixed feelings about the process vs. expense, myself, so I'd just be giving you assvice. I have done a lot of research on embryo donation. That is probably the way I would go, personally - for a lot of reasons I could explain if you're interested. You might also discuss that with BWUB, as that was her avenue of success. It is cost effective, among other things. Sorry I have been absent and not sending smoke signals! But I've been checking in on you and appreciate you checking in on me too. Take care of yourself. Thinking of you, K.

  5. Shit. I'm sorry to hear that its negative. I'm incredibly impressed, however, that you managed to move from the angry post this morning to one that is so thoughtful and forward looking. Take the time you need to shift from one plan to deserve the time to get your thoughts together and decide what's best. Def take a nice spa vaca... Go somewhere warm where the sole focus is to take care of you.

  6. I'm just checking all the blogs and I can't believe it. I am so, so sorry. I wish there was something I could say to make it better. I think going to the adoption class on Wednesday will help. Having a plan B always made us feel a little better. Take care of yourself. You are in my thoughts.

  7. Ugh! I've held out commenting because I was hoping, really really hoping, that you'd jumped the gun on the pee sticks and would get an awesome surprise. But...if they're still blank...yes, that's worrysome. You know what, whether the FET works or the adoption works, you will have your baby and love it to pieces regardless of how it made its way into the cradle. Hugs for now - 'cause I know this part just sucks!

  8. My heart is on the floor. I'm so sorry. You have every right to feel the bitterness of bile in your throat. Have a WTF meeting with the RE. I mean, I don't get it. Good embies. Good uterus. Operator error? Of course I keep thinking that you transferred 2. I transferred 3 and only 1 took. Maybe your "good" one is a frostie. I don't know. I keep wishing I had answers for you.

    I read K's post above and you know that we went the embryo adoption route. I'd be happy to share more details with you about my clinic, my doctor, their success rate and their program if you are interested. It is WAY cheaper than DE, and a pretty simple program, though you'd have to fly out here twice.

    Why are you so hung up on getting pregnant now? Well, probably because you've had your heart set on it. And it's hard to change the heart.

    Whatever you ultimately decide to do...PAP, DE, EA, or merely scream at the top of your lungs, we're with you. Love and hugs, T.

  9. I'm sorry, EB. There are tears in my eyes as I write this because I so want this for you and for mekate - I've been reading your blogs since June and I feel like you are both my big sisters in this whole IF thing, and it only makes sense that it happens for you two before me. I truly hope beyond hope you get a nice surprise tomorrow. If not, that cruise idea you mentioned on my blog sounds really really good right now. Or even an IF Girls' Weekend Getaway in some central city - shopping, the spa, lots of yummy food and gabbing. Sending you lots of comforting thoughts, my friend.

  10. i just can't believe it and I'm so friggin upset for you. I'm glad you are able to research other options. We started the IA process, too and even have our home study done if DE doesn't work out. Would you consider a shared risk program like the one @ SG? The nice thing about IA is that there is a baby waiting for you, that is already born. Embryo adoption is great too although there are no guarantees. Whatever you decide, I'm thinking of you and here to support.

  11. I'm really feeling for you right now. This is so disappointing. I think that it is a good thing going to the adoption meeting on Wed. You asked why you were so hung up on getting pregnant. I think that many of us are because it just seems to be one of the natural cycles of life. It's an experience that we will miss that we seem to feel should be a right. Think back to when you were a child stuffing pillows under your shirt (hell, maybe it was even last week!). We want to have the "glow" and the "cravings" and pretend that we are miserable (even though most IF's would give their right arm for a little queasiness). It's not fair. So have a good cry and try to collect yourself and evaluate what you can handle emotionally.
    If it were me and I had access to the funds without putting myself in the hole, I would use up the frosties. If that failed and DH was okay with it, I'm might try Donor Embryos. I hear that is pretty cheap. Then if still nothing adoption might be the route. That can also get pretty costly because of all of the travel to get the child. Those are my thoughts. It's all about what you can handle and what you are willing to go through. Just remember that ultimately it's a child that you want. The process is secondary. We're here for you.