I started tossing around the idea of another DE cycle. We wouldn't have to borrow to pay for it, but its not like we have the cash to spare. What would it mean to our adoption plan? Why would the outcome be any different? How would I feel after that cycle failed? Can we make it through another cycle?
Why am I so hung up on getting pregnant now? I never was before. I knew I wanted to adopt when I was in my early 20s. Where does this irrational pull come from, this need to have 'our' baby?
I wrote a different post this morning but decided to edit it. It was all bile and anger. Yes, I am really, really angry this didn't work but what can I do about it.
We are going to our first adoption class on Wednesday. International adoption with a really well known agency in NYC. We qualify for Russia and Bulgaria. That just makes me laugh writing those words. I will have to learn all the new words, acronyms, expectations and rules for the PAP (pre adoption parents!!). We asked for their domestic program workshop also and we have the class in December. That gives us time for the FET ... to not work.
I am looking forward to hearing the end tomorrow so I can let go. I need to let go and be someplace else for a while. I always said that if this didn't work I would go on a fancy vacation someplace. I think I shall go to a really good spa and just work out every day, all day, get great massages and sleep.
Thanks for your responses yesterday. It helps to think things through.