Friday, October 16, 2009


Yesterday was a weird day. We had a couple session in the am. I just didn't want to talk about it anymore but I'm glad we went. Our therapist went through the options with us. She helped prioritize and take some of the decision making burden away which, from my point of view, seems overwhelming right now.

DE is depressed and has retreated which always upsets me.

I had and have a knot in my stomach and can't seem to shake nausea. Anxiety is a kicker eh. Of course, it crossed my mind that they got the test wrong and I am pregnant. Of course there is still hope in the impossible. Wouldn't that be a C:L mistake in my favor for once. Even with the nausea I still managed to ignore my diet. I figured I would just go with the flow until AF arrives (no pun intended) and then snap back into it.

So. here it is... Plan H ( I think)
We decided to go ahead with Dr Jessie (I see her next week), keep on the adoption route (information finding and agency selection) keep the frosties as a back up plan.

Dr Jessie has a long lead up time for DE patients, about 3 months. I will do a cycle with her so she can monitor my bits and blood without ' intervention' (baselining). Then the prep cycle and straight after that the Donor cycle. She bases the treatment around me not the donor. We get to chose from a few donors (CL preselects) which might be fun.

By my calculations and given that nothing is as straight forward as we are told, I think the transfer will be in late December/January

I have time to get over this annoying funk and lose weight. Now how much should I set myself? 10 pounds. Yes, that sounds about right.


  1. Oh EB, you sound just like me - getting right back into it! But (in all my NON medical expertise!) I really do think you will have success with DE, and I consider it a FABULOUS sign that we will probably be cycling together!

    Glad you are keeping the other options open, who knows what you'll feel like in a few weeks; but hopefully we are both on the road to making ourselves as healthy as possible for tranfer soon. Thinking of you.

  2. I'm glad to hear that you are pushing through this. It's going to take some time. Going back on the diet is great, but don't pressure yourself about lbs. You're under enough stress as it is. DH's always respond differently to this stuff than we do. That too will take some time. I guess this is what they mean by having ups and downs in marriages.
    Dr. Jessie was the right move. I just think that if you'd stayed with the other you would only get upset again about the way you were being handled. As you should've been. They did not sound as great as they should be. A new perspective will symbolize a new start. It is difficult to change doctors, everyone is always afraid they are going to offend them and it'll be so much work. I say, "f*ck it!" Two years was plenty of time for them to get their act together at your expense!
    Three more months and you get to choose the donor! Things are looking up already! Plenty of time for a relaxing getaway!
    Have you tried the hot chocolate from Jacques Torres on Hudson St? It's to die for and I see it on your new menu until AF arrives! Their take home version is just as delicious!
    Get some rest and take care.


  3. It sounds like you were productive and I am glad you have a plan in place. I know I always feel better with a plan. I am sorry that he is retreating....such a hard place for both of you to be.
    In regards to your diet, if it helps you to have that to focus on, then I say go for it, but also be nice to yourself ((hugs))

  4. Throwing in my 2 cents: if you think that the diet will help you feel better about yourself, then go for it. If it's just going to give you another excuse to beat yourself up for not being something else that you think you should be, then forget all about it and go for that Jacques Torres hot chocolate (I especially like the kind with chiles. Yumm.)

    I've been using my down time (just quit my job in Aug) to try to get in shape and lose the 20 lbs that I packed on over the last 5 years (10 this past year - apparently I was somewhat unrestrained in my consumption.) and it has made me feel good. But again, it's totally your call -- I think the exercise and the endorphins it releases is much more valuable than cutting out dessert and cheese, etc.

    I wish you loads of luck with the new RE! Hopefully this will jumpstart the process.

  5. Happy you have a plan. So sorry DH is struggling. I don't think we can imagine how our husbands feel sometimes. I think they internalize feelings of grief, sadness, anger, and in some cases guilt and inadequacy. We need them to be our rocks, when we are emotional and physically beat. And yet, it beats them up too. And they are hurt. And they can't or don't want us to see or maybe feel their fear. I don't know. I'm sorry. I know the two of you will conquer it together.

  6. That's so cool that you guys went to couples therapy and had someone to take the reins from you for a bit and get you talking...Mr. Hatter is a "Cease and Retreat" kind of guy, too, so I know how hard it is, but I find that once I seem to come to terms with something, he comes around. I think it really scares them to see US scared. I guess in marriage we need to take turns being the strong one for the other, huh? I'm sorry you have to think about a plan H, but I keep sending you happy outcome thoughts!