Thursday, October 29, 2009

"I'm not afraid"

I just spoke with my 5 year old nephew. I told him I would be over for Bonfire night (a bit like 4th July but wetter) since he was afraid of the 'bangs' (fireworks). "I'm not afraid" he said. "Not anymore". I could just see his face; eyebrows knitted, eyeballs blazing, mouth puckered. He is afraid. He is freakin' terrified but he is also 5, a boy and a great kid.

It made me realise that whilst life this past year has been a bit of an uphill battle, it has been nothing like trying to be 5 years old. So complicated, so confusing and so often, frightening. If my nephew can deal with the scariest night of the year, I can get through this next 3 months with a better attitude.

So, in the tradition of DE #1 - the wag is back!!!!! (I saw a bumper sticker that suggested we 'bark less, wag more'.)

I know my depression is more chemical than psychological (I researched L/upron Depot - oh boy!!) which means that whilst I cannot control it I can re frame my relationship to it. I am not depressed, my chemicals are. I have gone to the gym three times this week for a total of 6 hours (today was a killer) and I am trying to stick to my points. Lu/pron Depot can raise ones weight up to 15 pounds so I am being vigilant about what I eat (already up 3 pounds from when I got the injection). Lots of fiber and low sodium stuff.

It's a struggle and it sometimes feels hollow but, fuck it, this is my life and I will not be the victim. If this cycle works - doozy. If not, I will know we did everything humanly possible to have/ carry a biological child. I am already excited that somewhere out there my kids are waiting. We chatted yesterday about taking the newly adopted kids to Latvia next Christmas to see Papa Noel. My mum wants to meet us there with my 5 year old nephew.

Sounds like a plan.


  1. As I sit home with the flu and my high FSH feeling sorry for myself, I needed to read this. Thanks for the inspiring post! You rock!
    P.S. I have that bumper sticker and I love it so much I haven't chosen a place to stick it yet...perhaps my forehead would be a good location! ;-)

  2. I need some of that newfound attitude you have.

    Where can I get it?? lol. (> ya.

  3. Thanks for the post. My husband and I are having a "falling out" over adoption (he doesn't want to adopt). And tomorrow I turn 40. And this past weekend I had an early miscarriage (chemical pregnancy) after IVF. Please throw some positive happy vibes my way. I'm glad to hear you're at least hitting the gym, because, frankly, I suck right now and am super depressed.....

  4. This is seriously inspirational and a good kick in the ass so that I stop my whining. And am crazy impressed with the gym/ good eating. Maddy's right -- you DO rock!

  5. Wag away! I know your kids are out there way or another.