Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Family loss and gains.

The national holidays are tough. We have no 'real' family around to celebrate with. My DH's remaining family (a very distant uncle) lives in the CA and of course, my folks are in the UK. We had a lovely time (till I got food poisoning!) but all the same the folks we visit are 'fitting us in' to their family packed weekend.

I can see it in my DH's face, the feeling of loss. He misses his mum even tho she died twenty years ago. He was only 25 at the time and it was a totally unexpected. The day she died he went to his mum's house, climbed into her bed and stayed there for quite some time. On the holiday weekends I can see that immense sadness just behind his eyes. He looks at the kids and there are tears in his eyes. When they are crying and we are tired, I see him wish for a grandparent to come and take up the strain, to tell him that he's doing OK and it will all be fine.
His dad died about ten years ago. Although they lived close to one another in those final years, his father was very distant. I can't write too much about him because I'm too angry at his treatment of Dh.

Of course, Pip and Mimi are filling his heart more and more everyday. Mimi crawled forwards this weekend and he acted like she just learnt to write Russian! Pip just loves his dad. They make faces and farting noises all day long. My boys.

I hope that one day, his love and our love and the kids love will temper the depth of loss of his parents. Unlock it and help it fade. I doubt it though. I think grief is something we build on, not disassemble. 


  1. I so know where you are coming from. My husband's mother & brother live on the east coast and, while my family is local, we are not close. We had no one to 'celebrate' Memorial Day with...no BBQ or picnic to go to. So, we did what we do, went to the park and out for BBQ, but I know I missed the being around others.
    With a little better planning, I won't let this happen over 4th of July, but I imagine it will always take some effort...either planning something ourselves and inviting others or getting invited to whatever one of our friends is doing. And, it won't be the same as if it were with family, but I can't lament what we don't have. Must create the reality we want.

  2. Grief is one of the most difficult emotions - both for the one experiencing it and for those witnessing it. I don't think we can fill the void grief creates, but I think the rough and sharp edges of grief smooth a bit with time.

    Yay for the kids! Crawling and...er...farting? Yeah, my boys too. And both laugh about it.