After hitting 'Publish Post' yesterday I almost changed my mind and deleted the post. So glad I didn't. Your words were very, very helpful.
When I saw my DH last night I felt so guilty about the post. I also felt love.
We did talk. Actually I talked and I think he may have heard some of it. I'd come to the realization that he has to shatter parts of his personality in order to make the changes he needs to make. The fact that I want him to change pains me but not enough for me to accept those parts of him.
I was a little teary through the discussion. I remember saying "what's most painful is the realization that you don't look after me". He looked so confused, shocked and resigned. Then he fell asleep! He does that. When there is an emotional pow wow he falls asleep.
A little later he asked if I felt better to have talked about how I feel, which I know means he didn't get all this. He thinks I'm upset and it'll pass. He doesn't hear like most people. It'll have to be said again and again and each time it'll be painful.
One thing I know. I love him and he loves me. We love our kids. If this is it, if this is as good as it gets ... it's not perfect but being loved is immense.
When I saw my DH last night I felt so guilty about the post. I also felt love.
We did talk. Actually I talked and I think he may have heard some of it. I'd come to the realization that he has to shatter parts of his personality in order to make the changes he needs to make. The fact that I want him to change pains me but not enough for me to accept those parts of him.
I was a little teary through the discussion. I remember saying "what's most painful is the realization that you don't look after me". He looked so confused, shocked and resigned. Then he fell asleep! He does that. When there is an emotional pow wow he falls asleep.
A little later he asked if I felt better to have talked about how I feel, which I know means he didn't get all this. He thinks I'm upset and it'll pass. He doesn't hear like most people. It'll have to be said again and again and each time it'll be painful.
One thing I know. I love him and he loves me. We love our kids. If this is it, if this is as good as it gets ... it's not perfect but being loved is immense.
EB, I'm so glad to see your post today. So glad that you and your husband could talk. It is probably the start of an ongoing process, but at least it is a start. ANd to echo something that Maddie said: maybe your husband isn't good with babies, but better with toddlers. THat is my husband--exactly. I'd write more, but the kids are pulling on the ketyborad.....
ReplyDeleteSorry things aren't great right now, glad you got a chance to talk a bit. It is so hard - my DH is the same, stuff must be repeated over and over and he still doesn't get it. I never thought I'd be a SAHM but I didn't realize I would have NO help from my "partner"! So glad we were able to financially swing it. And we just have the one - I do think husband interaction generally improves as the babies develop, worked with us. The first year he didn't do much at all, but then it did get better. Hang in there girl, you are doing an amazing job!
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