Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Black Smoke

Shite and onions I'm having a depressive episode.  It starts with the same thing - a nagging worry. This time it's about my job. I feel insecure and that is never good. Then I get paranoid or angry.  Then the slow shut down starts. I hate this disease.
On the one hand I had a wonderful week with my kids. Five days of pure mum-ness. I got to know them and they got to know me. We played and romped and laughed and snoozed. But beneath it all I was fighting the bubbling crappiness of a thick black smoke. Winston Churchill called his black dog. It's insidious and ominous.

Having researched depression I know this is a serotonin shift and that as long as I sleep regular hours, eat protein and exercise I will regain my stability thanks to the meds I'm on. To be honest,  I am so glad my kids will not inherit these particular genes. Depression runs rabid through my family and I would protect my kids from feeling like this at all costs.

It's odd how I can feel joy at my kids and depression at the same time.

When I feel like this, I start to imagine life with unending cash: winning the lotto.  I decorate each room and chose the activities we can now afford to do with the kids. I imagine quitting my freakin' job and starting our charity. It may not lift the depressive episode per se but it is a nice way to pass the time. 

1 comment:

  1. I only have a minute to type a note, but it is good to hear from you. I'm sorry that depression is rearing its ugly head for you right now. Anxiety/depression runs in my family as well. Seems that I am in a slump too. The words you wrote on how you can enjoy being with your kids, but still feel depression at the same time, really resonates with me. Sometimes I feel that I gravitate even more to them when I am anxious or depressed, as they can give me such joy and meaning in my life.

    I too am so thankful that the one thing that I cannot do is pass this on to them biologically. I really strive to make sure I don't pass it on environmentally to them. While I feel down, I try not to let my kids feel that coming from me. I hope I can at least achieve that goal.

    I hope things look up for you soon.