Goodbye and Hello

I'm not really one for New Years Eve. Never understood the point and I hate crowds (yes, I live in NYC!) I'm really uncomfortable around drunk people and thankfully my dh has little interest in this party night so we tend to ignore it. We tend to watch a movie snuggled up at home, usually covered in contented cat. Can't think of anything better to be honest. I shall ask DH if he wants to watch a movie on the bed so we can get a full on cuddle - best kind.

I'm feeling tired and wan (good old English word there). I do not wake up feeling overjoyed that I am pregnant or smiling and rubbing my belly. I wake up and think 'another day of not fucking it up'. I feel all the responsibility and non and of the control which is hard. I am eating well, sleeping well, resting when needed (most of the time!) and generally being a good girl but I think I am lonely and need me some friend time. have isolated myself over the past year, what with treatments and hope, despair and and all that. Maybe I should send out a lunch invite for today, see who is around?


Odd things are happening physically which I thought I'd share.
1. my farts smell like boiled cabbage and are very present
2. my pee smells like fortified horse pee and equally as present
3. boobs have gone square - square!!
4. skin is as soft as a baby's bum
5. drug addict acne (under my nose). mmn thanks
6. I have no cognitive skills left. Forgetting words left right and ... er...
7. Hunger has abated and now I am very mildly queasy
8. if I don't eat every two hours its like someone pulled my plug out.
9. bad back owwwwww
10. bloating like a premenstrual puffer fish

And wouldn't change any of it for the world.

I hope you have a fun Nw Years Eve, where ever you are. May 2010 be a peaceful, joyous and productive year, Thank you for all your help, guidance, support and honesty in 2009.

Cramps and panic

I started having cramps yesterday. I ate A TON of food - all of it was delicious but perhaps it was too much food. Anyway, I bloated up like a puffer fish (still bloated) and slept for hours. Then I had cramps and.... panicked. I know cramps are normal but somehow I just couldn't get over the fear of this pregnancy being over.
Good news is that there are no cramps today and I am exhausted after visiting a friend for 4 hours. So I think I am still pregnant. I'm not panicked anymore. But I am still a little fearful.

I visited my friend because she is having a very surprising reacting to adopting a dog. She's wanted a dog for as long as I have known her. They finally decided to adopt this year. She has what can only be described as post natal depression. She is depressed and can't bond with the dog, she hasn't slept or eaten in three days. She was in tears. All she wants is to give the dog back but she is racked with guilt. The dog needs training and is very underweight but all told is a healthy cute dog. She is totally and utterly overwhelmed by the responsibility of 'loving' something. She was in tears for 4 hours worried about how everyone would feel and react to her giving the dog back, wondering why she didn't want to be around the dog.

Sometimes it is interesting to see life outside the IF world. How we are all connected and struggling. I wonder what it will be like to bring home a baby after so many years of it being IF.

double take

6dp5dt: HCG 30
8dp5dt: 109
14dp5dt: 1964!!!!!!!

I know!! I thought I had read it wrong. The last time I got in this region was when we were naturally pregnant and 6 weeks along. DH is terrified to celebrate or hope - the m/c are hard on me but I honestly think they are harder on him. But I have to say, them is some pretty nice numbers.

I am celebrating with roast chicken and rosemary fries. I may even push the boat out completely and have the last slice of Christmas cake my ma sent me.

No wonder I was so tired I couldn't move yesterday. And today? I have managed to go to the movies and now I need a nap. And my boobs hurt. Yippee. Symptoms :-)

I wish I could share with my mum. But she had so many losses in her life that she would worry herself sick for the next 10 weeks. How did you share the news? My folks are thousands of miles away. I was thinking of making a DVD and sending it with some flowers and a bottle of wine.

1964. Wagging my behind off!

Polka Dot update

It's a growin!

(6dp5dt) 1st beta - 30's, progesterone 12
(8dp5dt) 2nd beta - 109 progesterone 19

I'll get today's b/w tomorrow when I pop in for my shots.

I got an ultrasound picture too - doubled in size since it's last close up. It's still in there. And the Oscar for most surprised patient went to ... me! I just thought I had had my quota of good luck and it would have gone. But nah, s/he's sticking around.

Phew!!

And there is still only one polka dot which much to my great surprise I am delighted at. I know I spent most of the year asking for twins but in the cold hard light of pregnant day I am so relieved that there is only one polka dot. If we had just one family member around to help it might have seem doable but since we are on our own and totally inexperienced .... yada yada

I've been thinking about how I have no genetic input into this child. That is so odd. To be the surrogate. I'd be lying if I wasn't mourning just a little. A mini me ego trip. Once this polka dot starts to be more of a baby I'm figuring I won't care at all. We have decided to wait to tell people we used donor egg (including immediate family) until we tell the child. My family is like the Adams family and I don't want certain members upsetting our little one or starting the gossip tree off.
So, we shall say IVF but not DE until the kid understands. The only ones I want to tell are my mum and dad but I'm not sure. It's got nothing to do with being embarrassed or pretending the kid is genetically me, me, me. Our psych councillor at Cornell made a big deal about this. Hopefully I have the next 9 months to decide.

and breathing out...

I am a little less panic stricken today. Thank you everyone. How does anyone do this without you lot??

And I watched my food intake yesterday - very little salt and sugar, lots of veggies and protein and lost 4 pounds so I am very happy. After the struggle to lose weight this year I am super sensitive about any weight gain. I was told that I am not supposed to gain any weight in the first trimester and then up to 20 pounds by the end of the pregnancy, if I want a healthy pregnancy.

I thought I would be walking on air if we ever got a BFP but both DH and I are anxious and grouchy. I'm tired all the time (which I count as a symptom and therefore LOVE) and I seem to be going further and further into my own internal world. I am happiest when left alone to read a novel. Being around people makes me exhausted. The best word to describe it is fragile. Which I guess indicates how desperately we want this to work and how fearful we are of having a m/c. How I envy those women that are surprised at 10 weeks.

I think I get to see the polka dot tomorrow, at my next beta test. Just had a rush of excitement at the thought! I shall get all the info for those that are interested. So far I know my first beta was 30 something and my Progesterone level was 12 (6dp5dt)

How much!

I am in full panic mode....

I just weighed myself. 6 pounds up. Holy crap! I know its Christmas but ... HOLY CRAP! The nurse warned me about the pills I was on. She said they will create havoc with weight gain and because of that I haven't really gone wild on the eat anything front. I guess its back to the watchful approach. When I was on bed rest I only went up by less than a pound so its just over the past week that this has happened. I was told to watch the sodium and sugar intake, I shall have to do better.

I sound like a skinny new yorker but I have the opposite problem. I can only gain up to 20 pounds throughout the pregnancy according to Dr J's chart in the waiting room. I shall ask her about the steroid I am on since that would seem to be the main culprit. 6 frikkin pounds. WTF!!

The nurse came yesterday to give me my shots. She told me that my second beta looked fine (she couldn't remember the number!!) but my progesterone was low. As soon as she said that I started mentally preparing for the worst. IF protection mode kicking in. Anyone out there got any anecdotes to share that might put my mind at ease?

Have a lovely day

To all I wish

Peace

and

Joy

and lots of ho ho ho.

Comfort zone

So here's an odd thing. I have no idea what to do now. I don't know anything. I feel like I have a PhD in infertility but upon graduation realised it didn't prepare me for pregnancy! I have no idea how pregnant I am. I look at other women's posts that cycled around this time and they have the weeks and days up there. How do I work it out!! I am 9dp5dt that is all I know.

I keep thinking - did I dream it? Did I think all this but in reality I am still in limbo, waiting for a beta, or a scan, or an injection or a pill, or an appointment with yet another doctor. I am very aware of my history of multiple m/c so I consider myself limbo pregnant at the moment. I know I am anxious because I have the nails of a teenage boy. I am not a nail biter and my hands could do a Mou.ntain De.w commercial.

However, we decided to celebrate tonight with a milkshake (whoopee we are HOG WILD) and then take it one day at a time. Celebrate with a milkshake! I swear, I used to be interesting. And, I have found a prenatal health group near work which looks terrific for when the time is right. The program is yoga, nutrition, prenatal classes and pre/post birthing support (which given we have no family that can help us out might make sense).

DH was very sweet when he saw the print out of our polka dot. He got such a soft look on his face. He stared at it for ages and then at me with tears in his eyes. He is a bit dreamy now and going to be late for work if he doesn't hustle!

Wow, its Christmas Eve and we have a polka dot.

Do you see what I see?

Back to Dr J for more blood work, injections etc. The first beta was in the 30s by the way. It's way more now - I have been peeing on sticks compulsively since Monday!

Then we did a sonogram.

Then I saw it.

A polka dot right in the middle of the screen.

Yes, yes (mummers Dr J) well developed since Monday (See! my kid is a genius already!!!!)


However, I have to have an IV tomorrow or the day after for something to do with antibodies. I didn't really understand and by the time I had had my injections, the sono, the sighting ... I was exhausted so didn't listen properly. I trust Dr J. She has got us this far.

I know we have a very long way to go to be in a safer place but this is a great Christmas present. The best. A polka dot.

I am gonna frame it and give it to DH on Christmas Eve.

7dp5dt

I PO2S's this morning (at the same time). Answer and EPT. I think the sensitivity levels are 25 and 50 respectively. Answer came up positive in seconds. EPT was a fantom line that evap'd.

So to answer the question 'what is my beta?' I have no idea! I forgot to ask. I could phone today but I don't want to just yet. I want to enjoy this moment. The moment where there is no ambiguity - I have had 2 positives. I am pregnant. In the past we get to about 6 weeks and it all goes tits up so I have decided to let go and free fall through this early stage. I am sure I will ask for my beta number on Wednesday. But after that I shall ask her to only tell me if there is a problem or until I hit 1000 or something.

I told my support group last night and there was appropriate cautious jubilation. We all know too much to celebrate until 12 weeks. But, oh it was nice, being the one, the one that got to say, "I have some news".

So all I know right now is that the numbers are on the rise. And that is all that counts. If I weren't so tired I would be wagging my ass off.

Thank you to everyone that left such wonderful comments. Thank You.

My turn - update

Its been 6 hours since I found out.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! holy shite and onions. It was positive. I am pregnant right now. Ahhahahahahahahhaha yyyyyyiiiiiiiiiippppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
------------------------------
I did a pee test at Dr J's this morning

It came back positive

We are pregnant

Stunned

Day 7 or 6dp5dt

I tested again. BFN. I know, its early. Ya da ya da

When I got back to bed, I checked my emails on my phone and there was a surprise announcement from friends of ours that they had brought home a baby home. They had adopted a baby boy in OK and brought him home yesterday.

Now, of course, I am delighted for them

I am also fucking furious.

These people came to our wedding. They have been part of our lives and losses. We have spoken about adoption and all the problems we are having (I am not a citizen so most agency's wont work with us) and about our IVF disappointments and m/s.

They never mentioned a thing about their adoption and then send out an 'everyone' email. They have offered no help, contacts, ideas and now not a shred of sucking empathy. What the fuck! DH just said "why them, not us?" It's exactly what I felt when I read the email.

Why not us?

I realize this sounds very selfish. I don't care.

Day 6 or is it?

When does the dpt begin? I read on one website it was the next day (i.e. transfer day = 0). So today could be 5 or could be 6.

Anyhow, I am worried (no, really Eb, you worried, what a shocker) coz I don't have any symptoms. My boobs don't hurt. At all. Everyone talks about boobage issues. My back hurts but I have been laying around for EVER. I am worried. Fuck me, 5x5 better fucking work. I mean c'mon!! I transferred one less than Octomom. ONE LESS THAN OCTOMOM (who, by the way, I really dislike right about now).

I still have hope but now I guess I am in full 2ww crazy swing. Sitting around for days isn't helping really. I know its better to have a consistent core temperature but hell, do I really have to lay flat for a week! I will be one really pissed of infertile if this doesn't work and I have missed all the fun this time of year.

I am reading your comments a few times a day. They keep me going. All the sound advice and ass kicking. It helps to rebalance my mind and emotions.

One thing I have noticed is that every so often something will make me cry. A Frank Sinatra song (!!) I heard on the radio, a thank you note. I blub then its over. Must be the pills but I will pretend its my HCG levels shooting up.

Day 5 (DH don't read, pressie spoiler)

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

I laughed my ass off at your comments. OH THANK YOU dearest friends. Yes, too early indeed. I shall not test until Tuesday. I can't get a EPT test without asking my DH to get it for me and he would say no. He is true believer in letting things follow the flow of things - or denial. I have my beta on Christmas Eve (or maybe Wednesday coz the clinic is thinking of shutting one day early) I have therapy on Monday so I shall pick up a test on my way back home. I might test Monday or wait till first flush on Tue.

Thanks again guys. I am hanging between thinking '5!' (as in, great chances) and 5! (as in, and it still might not work). Totally normal for the 2ww (or 8/9 day wait for me) but an odd place all the same. It doesn't matter what the protocol or what the breakthrough, we all seem to end up here. Hoping, afraid, excited and demented. Maybe I can find my inner zen and just not test? What were some of the early early signs you noticed when you got preggers?


In between the laying around and getting my arse kicked by the best Internet sisters a women could want, I am wrapping my DH stocking presents. So far we have star wars Christmas collectibles (dh is a geek) a pen shaped like a finger that either makes farting noises or has a recording of someone saying - pull my finger, racing grannies, a backscratcher, odd nuts and an orange (of course) and .... a reindeer that poops chocolate bits ( a personal fave). Ho ho he he he ho ho ho

Day 4 - update: OK OK Unccle!!

I went back to bed and slept till now (9am) and when I read your comments I burst out laughing!! So THIS is what its like to have sisters. Thank you dear friends for the tough love. You are right and I shall ignore "it" ever happened.
'Sides, I am enjoying my time in.
Thank you!

-------------------------------------------

I POAS. The test was not too old - it had an expiration date late 2010

BFN.

I found a study on line that indicates that most women with 5 day transfers got BFP's on day 4.

I haven't given up all hope but I am disappointed. I guess I should wait for the blood work on the 24th but I know I won't. Not now. Just have to work out how to get the pee sticks. If I ask DH he will say no since he prefers to ignore the whole thing. I shall call the pharmacy and get them delivered.

Wow. 5x5 and it might not have worked. What is wrong with me?

Day 3

Yesterday wasn't so bad. I divided my day and did indeed do work, write holiday cards, watch a movie and wrapped a few presents.
I have noticed that as soon as I take the progesterone pills ... its all over. I pass out and then I am very quiet for the rest of the night. I quite like the escape. Great, I'm an addict.

To test or not to test.
I woke up at 4am thinking " I know where an ept is" and struggled with the idea of testing. I googled it yesterday and most people got a bfp on 6da5dt. My day 6 will be Saturday so I think I shall keep my really old fashioned ept for Sat am (its the kind you have to dip into a cup). The fear is sneaking in. Tiny frosting of fear! What if... what if...

I would normally talk this through with DH but since he has been absent for this cycle I am going to continue the solo navigation. I have made every decision, filled in every form and been to every appointment on my own. So fuck it. If you want in you gotta turn up.

So today's timetable:
At 10am my acupuncturist is coming over for a lovely session. I always feel so calm, peaceful and healthy after a treatment.
Sometime, the nurse comes over to give me Love.nox and PIO (I really don't know why she insists her poor nurses trek all over town) I am glad I get to warm up my arse tho, having the shots at the office has bruised my poor old bum. I am really tender back there.
So work, read, English tv, radio, wrap presents and maybe a call to a couple friends. Phew, what a busy day.

As I type one of my cats is asleep on my lap and the other just dropped his little cat tennis ball at my feet with much fanfare and meowing. Ahhhhhhh.

day 2 of house arrest

Hello new follower and thank you!

Day 1. Easy. I was stoned from the sedative.
Day 2. Comfy. Warm woolly socks, soft hiking jumper and BBC radio playing. I (finally) ate a healthy breakfast of egg whites and OJ (it's not coffee but hey, I can go without for the little ones).

I am convinced I am pregnant. I always am on day 2 after the transfer. Every ache and pain, cramp and pull is evident that the embies are snuggling in. Oh I am dizzy, I cry. Then I remember that I just took the antibiotic on an empty stomach. But for today, I am pregnant. Oh so pregnant. I am going to let myself look and feel and hope and dream. Even though I know what will happen on Christmas Eve if we get a BFN. I have tried every which way to minimize the pain of BFN's and nothing works. So I am going to go with my instincts - let my gut lead the way, no pun intended.


On a very sad note, please stop by http://dreamsandfalsealarms.typepad.com/my_weblog/
and offer support.

here's hoping.

This transfer was probably the most nice experience I've had in a while. I had acupuncture before and after and the chair they did the transfer in was so comfy! I even got a mild sedative.

Before the transfer we had a long chat about the best way to go forward.

a) We could transfer 2 which is routine.
b) Or 4 which is aggressive.
c) Or 6 which was seen as very aggressive.

We had 5 top embies (and 11 very good) but there would be a high chance of multiples. We don't want more than 2 but we do want... so we went for 5 and agreed to a reduction if there are any more than 2. That was one of the most difficult decisions of my life. They couldn't really help out with the decision because it would be unethical and of course if I turn into octomom then the decision is still up to me/us at the time of reduction.

We froze 11 embies. 11 good to very good 5 day blasts.


So guys, I am officially PUPO

And so very happy today.


Thanks for all your support guys.

Twas the night before transfer....

I did a bit of Christmas shopping this afternoon and then came home to take the drugs outlined in my pre-transfer sheet. Lots of estrogen, progesterone, antibiotic etc etc. High dosages and they have knocked my socks off. I sat down at 4 and woke up at 5! I have a support group tonight which I am really looking forward to but I think I need a cup of real tea to get through it.

So here we are. I think, although I am not sure, we still have 16 embies. I would be very surprised if we have 16 tomorrow but hey, you know, you never know.


Oh man.


Tomorrow at 9. I get to the practice at 8.30am, acupuncture then transfer then acupuncture again whilst in the resting bay (for one hour). Then I get to come home, climb into bed and .... hope.

And when, I hear you ask, is the pregnancy test? Christmas Eve! And according to the weather channel we may well have snow. I love Christmas Eve, I love snow. I hope I shall love this snowy Christmas Eve.

I am excited, fearful, nervous, hopeful and ready to rest.

oh oh here come PIO madness ...

I get crazy on Lupr.on for sure. But I become a total bitch on wheels when it comes to PIO. I have no idea why. But yesterday was the start.

In the morning I had my cervix opened by Dr J who gave me another shot of 'local anaesthetic ' so I was really woozy. Glad she did that coz the whole opening of the cervix thing ... hurt. Why did she open my cervix yesterday? no idea - I don't ask.

DH gave me preview of how totally unprepared he his for all this. He was speaking about going on an assignment that would basically use up all his time off (maybe leave one week). That would mean that he would have maybe a week when Jnr arrives then he would have to go back to work!! Ah no, I think not.


5 DAY TRANSFER - I have never been able to write that.

I have never had a 5 day transfer. I am so totally psyched. I read that it increases chances of successful etc.
Dr J wants me to lay flat for 7 days. Not sit in a chair quietly. Lay flat. Its total overkill but I don't care. I ordered comfy flannel sweatpants from Ga.p and have lined up tons of lovely soups and dvds. I got my mince pies in last night (a dozen, well there was, now there is only 10!!) and little bits of Christmas chocolate.
I have decided to do 'jobs' in the am - write cards, order presents, organize our ivf stuff from Cornell.l for tax (hahahahaha). I shall read in the afternoon and watch dvd's in the evening. DH is concerned. He has never seen me sit still for more than 2 days, even with pneumonia. But this isn't about me. Its about them. The little one trying to find a place to implant. Right?

Fert report

I am delighted to be able to report that we have ...


16 embies cooking away. They recovered 19 eggs and 16 so far are looking 'terrific'. Dr J was very happy (since Dh has such crappy sperm) but reminded me to be caustious in my celebrating until they could see what was what after the weekend.

but still


whoooohoooooooooo


Transfer is on Tuesday morning.

And we have been told to fill out the paperwork for cryopreservation, since we may well have some to freeze.

PHEW!!!


Soapchick - thank you from the bottom of my heart. If it weren't for you ... whatever happens... thank you.

Brought to you by the number....

18-20 ... eggs! Retrieved. Relieved.

Now, before I let myself get all excited I must wait for the fert report. Dr J says DH's boyz are not good so not to expect too much.

but... still... (little tiny whooohooooooooooooooo)

more later....

ho hum

after all the excitement of yesterday today is a bit of a let down! DH went for his HCG shot and my oh my you would think HE should get the nobel. You know, its a damn good thing that I am the one in the couple that has to do all the shots and pills and hospital visits otherwise this whole process would have been way worse.

We had a couples session yesterday. DH is clearly emotionally done. The therapist asked what is plan B. Adoption we answer. That all? Dh sighed.I said he couldn't take another month. Maybe if we took off January and then did the frosties in February. Maybe. He just can't take another disappointment. I understand but at the same time I resent his battle fatigue. I am the one that is exhausted because I am the one that has had two full time jobs (my regular and IVF) and I am the one that is physically so screwed up coz all the bloody drugs.

I shall re register for the adoption workshop in Vermont for March. There is one in January but I don't think that is such a good idea for either of us.

The therapist made me laugh. She said she had one thing we haven't tried for a while that might work. Intercourse. Oh yeah, I remember nookie. I think. Its that naughty, sexy thing we used to do all the damn time. Right. Something to do with fun. Wouldn't that be a kick in the pants. Getting preggers the good old fashioned way after all this money.

DE day - update

Dh's shot was... HCG. yeah, I know. Its to increase/help out his production. I checked it out online and, yup.


DH and donor go to the clinic this evening.
Donor gets the trigger shot
DH gets .... a shot. (No, i have NO IDEA what shot he is getting. Anyone? )

Retrieval = FRIDAY

Transfer = 3 or 4 or 5 day.

AHHHHHHHHh!!!!!!!!!!! holy crapola folks. I am so nervous. No, I am scared. Scared to death.

temptation ...

to eat total crap on the plane was resisted. phew. I did just scarf down an English biscuit but it so cold i must be burning up the calories just laying here on my couch!

I am so happy to be home. Enough travel already. I have a DE cycle to obsess over. I get wanded tomorrow and then I think the donor gets her 'get ready' shot. Saturday Saturday Saturday. As far as I know, ER on Saturday. Its DH's birthday Friday but no birthday nookie for him. Ah the sacrifices.

Is this going to work guys? Is it? I am so nervous, right. now. I see people that have grown big, given birth, nurse, help the toddle to toddle and watch them go off to school. And I am still here. At the beginning. When I first started this whole thing I was nervous about starting so late. hahahahahaha. If I had only known!

This time next week I will be PUPO.

husky

voice. I have one. I always get a sore throat on Estrodial and I think with all the singing and now all powerpoint presenting I have strained my vocal chords. I love the sound of my voice like this - all smoky and cool. I sound like a rock star in the morning!!

I am in a state of pre-expressive anxiety. In other words... i am anxious and nervous and excited about the upcoming DE-ing. In reading others in my position we are all in the same boat. We have all traveled as far as we can and this is it. The cliff edge. Of course I have the two frosties which feels like something of a safety net. I was totally reckless yesterday and googled maternity wear for work. I did that last time too. Then I panicked and tried to 'undo' my tempting of fate. Look how superstitious I have become. Its hilarious.

If I don't get pregnant I am going to finish my weight loss and get fit. I am so freakin' flabby and bloated right now. I asked DH for yoga lessons for Christmas and I shall add pilates and a personal trainer. Then I shall join my hiking club and get my ass back on the path.

I used to be afraid to lose weight, get fit etc. I would try for a while then quit and regain it all and then some. I have maintained my weight loss for about 2 months now, even on the huge amounts of estrogen or whatever it is I am on. I still have a ton of weight to lose tho. I would like to shed this old version of myself. I feel like the real me is hidden underneath all this flab. The layers of fat are excuses, reasons I make up to stop me from pursuing something I truly want. I was so afraid of failing that I ate myself into a standstill. After this year, I have no fear of failure anymore. I have no fear of feeling bad, sad or grieved over a loss.

La!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's me singing ... rather well as it turns out. Jill - you saved my life with the tea suggestion- thank you!. Even tho I stood next to the worst singer who has no idea that she shouldn't be singing and is really frikkin annoying .... I had a blast. I thought about all you guys, all we have been through, all we have loved and lost and I sang my alto heart out.

I went to Ma.cy's to buy a new performance skirt since my old ones didn't fit anymore (insert smug smile here). I managed to not only wear but button up a cashmere cardigan I bought for my wedding but didn't fit back then. I felt and looked and sounded great. Not a bad celebration of us and ours.


Back to today. On the road again in an hour. Back to San Fran for a Monday meeting. Ugh. I do hope the airline has changed the damn movies. If not the choices I have left are a wil.l farr.ell movie or one about cancer. Neither one appeals. I downloaded a few documentaries - one about scrabble (I AM SUCH A GEEK) and I do have a Brahms score to prep so at least I have stuff to do.

I am pretty psyched about the whole DE cycle again. I don't want to be, to be honest. I want the fear to control, I want the disbelief to guide, but I am just not in that space. I am excited and I am ... oh no... hopeful. How strange to be afraid of hope.
But fuck it. Lets face it, all I have right now is hope. Can the second DE failure hurt more than the first? Maybe. Maybe not. I will just have to live through whatever happens. I googled low sperm count and De success rates and there wasn't too much I didn't know. Ironically, b-12 shots help increase sperm count and quality and my DH has been getting b12 shots from his diet doctor. I am wondering if the low count last week was just a fluke. He is normally much higher than that.

So, here we are. ET week. Dear Donor - get your groove on and give me some fine quality eggs. Dear Sperm Deity - let his little wigglers be healthy and strong - he deserves the chance to have his own biological kid for so many reasons. And dear DE goddess - please. I beg you, please.

We have dates!

The retrieval dates are either the 11th or 12th. Transfer three days later. Donor is doing very well according to Dr J.

We have dates!!

We are transferring 4. Hopefully. I have learnt not to take anything for granted.

We have dates!!!

Pregnancy test is 7 days later (either the 22nd or 23rd I think). Just in time for Christmas. Wow, imagine that.

We have DATES!!!!

I am feeling... excited and hopeful and scared.

I shall sing in this afternoon's concert in hopes of the transfer being a success, of becoming pregnant and staying pregnant and of having the chance to love my child, to hold my child, to sing to her or him or them, to care for them and teach them, learn from them and create a family.

Funny thing happened on the way to mental health ...

I went to see my shrink today. I haven't seen her lately just because of my travel schedule. My shrink is amazing, lovely and loving and I owe my present day self to her guidance. However, my session this morning took me by surprise.

Here's what happened.

She hugs me, not unusual these days since I am forever going in there with teary tales of woe. She says over Thanksgiving she went through her list of folks and thought about why she was thankful for them. She launched into this whole thing about how much she enjoys working with me, how brave she thinks I am, how heroic, how I have learnt to trust and love and want and laugh. How when I met her I was so sad, lonely and hurt. She said she admires me.

It was so wild I burst into tears. I was so shocked. I didn't even think she liked me!!!

She has a point though. The journey we have been on together has been wild and long and unexpected but has come out a pretty cool place. When I met her I was a very damaged adult/child. I wouldn't let anyone near me and I was afraid of everything.

It made me think of this baby making ordeal. I assumed it would be straight forward and its not. I assumed it would be OK and it isn't. Yet I am more because of it, not less. And the blogs, wow, you guys are spectacular. Each voice brings something, each person strives to connect and support.

I wouldn't have missed this for the world.

Well I showed her...

Remember the post I did where I told the Universe to where to get off. Well, note to self, don't mess with the Universe...

... I have a sore throat (concert week ... sweet) and our new upstairs neighbours are really, really, really noisy fuck.ers. We live in an old building so the walls and floors are thick. In all the time we have lived here there has never been a noise issue from neighbours, until now. They moved in on Tuesday and played heavy bass music till 11pm. At 1230am last night they were yelling out of windows about eating people's souls and playing the kind of club music invented by audio sadists. it would be funny if I wasn't so sleep deprived.

Anyhoo, back to the cycle.

Anyone been on Lovenox? I think I shall be on it after the transfer. It's a blood thinner, right? I have heard all sorts of nasty stories about it so any real life experiences would be most welcome.

The ER should be 12th (DH birthday is 11th). We plan to celebrate by putting our Christmas tree up. We have such a lovely ritual. Go buy tree from mafiosi tree folks. Get the wooden treasure chest out that has all our decorations. Put sappy Christmas movie or music on, make huge pot of tea and fight over what goes where.


We are close, so close. December 12th, 13th, 14th (Dr J does 3 day transfers). In theory, we are 10 days away from transfer. Wow.

Are we there yet

I am frakkin knackered!! Couldn't sleep last night (which usually is a stress level indicator for me i.e. stress is too high) so the 7 days bed rest that Dr J is ordering after transfer looks really good from here. I have three huge books to read, about 500 hours of British TV recorded and a Brahms score to learn. Is 7 days enough I ask??? It also means my Christmas vacation is extended by 7 days. yeeehhhhaaaaa. Still. All the waiting and trying to be patient is a bit trying, isn't it.

Choir rehearsal last night. The last one before the concert. As usual there is a piece that I just fake!!! Open my mouth, make the right vowel sound but just don't sing the notes!!!! Every concert there is a some piece of music that just wont go in. It was lovely to see my RL friends again tho. I realised it has been weeks since I have had any fun - just DrJ stuff, travel and work. And they are all so lovely. They would fit right in to our world.

I am standing in between two dreadful warblers. Most of the music asks for straight tone - for us to sing like choirboys. These two women vibrato so much I am afraid they will cause structural damage to the church!! We are a chorus really, not a choir. The difference being that a Chorus is a non religious group that sings for audiences and a choir is a designated 'voice' of the church that sings for congregations. That having been said there are moments when the sound is just right and the light through the church windows shines in a certain way that it is hard not to feel inspired.
If you are around Friday at 8pm or Sat at 3pm Grace Church Choir (10th and Broadway) please drop in - I'll be the one in black faking it ;-) Well, I say drop in, but you really should buy a ticket before coz we are nearly sold out (1000 people!)

I am trying not to concentrate on the time - two weeks to transfer, more or less. Its like having two Christmas's in one month!!

ICSI

Not sure if we will be doing ICSI although I am assuming we will be. Wish I had the list of stuff covered. I think the drop in count was due to Mr's high temp a few weeks ago. Or am I just making that up?! He went for the blood tests yesterday so I guess we will know soon enough. Whatever, I am just gonna ignore the whole damn thing. This
one cost' price is now way over the number she gave me at the beginning of the whole process. Its comparable to Cornell but I don't want to tell DH right now. The stress of all this is enough as it is.

I see Dr J on Saturday - no idea why~!~ situation normal. I don't mind actually. I mean, when I was at C.nll I knew everything. I knew what each meeting was for and why, what numbers meant etc.

I couldn't tell you what my e2 is.

I wonder if it will work? Kara's mom just got a great beta result and I am so frikkin happy for her. I swear, my heart was beating so hard when I saw her post title (BETA results). I opened the post with one eye closed, holding my breath. If anyone deserves this it is Kara's ma. Sometimes when I read a postie beta I have to admit I get jealous or pissed off. Why her and not me. Then there are others that make it all seem right and good. Kara's mum, Best when used by... I admit it, its the folks I like. Those positives almost make my negatives seem ok. Does that sound totally weird? I don't care.

I am on a plane with Internet access. cool. Got a kid behind me that is kicking my chair. not cool. I will give the parent 30 mins to stop the little shit and then they will get the polite but means business English byatch ....

"You are kicking my chair back. It is dreadfully irritating. Stop it now. Thank you, dear"

While I am at it ....

"Hello universe. Enough. I have had enough with the head games. It is impolite to saddle me with infertility in the first place, dear, but to guide me towards a fellow with similar issues? Was that just for shits and giggles? Now, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, get the fuck out of my way so I can become the momma I am meant to be. Many thanks"

Oh dear.

I usually don't write about DH in any depth coz I figure that if he wants to chat about it, well he'd have his own blog! However, we have hit a road bump.

He had a sperm test this am and DrJ phoned me almost the moment she got the count (couldn't get hold of DH). His sperm count is extremely low. It has never been this low. He is freaked out. I just am resigned to shit happening, I guess.

Dh has to go for some tests tonight but they take 2 weeks to come back. If DRJ suggests waiting, I'm not sure DH will be into it from the IMs that DH sent this morning!

I guess its a wait and see situation. And a whopping great bill.

I was so happy after Saturday's visit to Dr J and my three stripes. Seems like we are never allowed to move forward. It's like a great big game of shoots and ladders.

Awww shit.

And I was just getting a little excited about 'maybe'.

glorious day ...

... seriously, glorious outside. It's sunny and cold. My absolute favourite time of year. I am sipping, OK gulping, Blue Door coffee that I got in San Francisco last week (its so good but I have to go cold turkey some time soon) with a cat purring and pushing her soft as silk self against my bloated belly (thanks Estrace!). I love this.

Anyway, I digress. Off I go. Back to San Fransisco. Before we canceled the Vermont trip I had 35 hours of travel this week. Now I have 25 hours. So since I have such a glut of free time this week, I asked the conductor at choir if I could be part of the big Christmas concert next Friday and Sat. He has a very strict rule that if you miss more than 3 rehearsals - your out. Well, I ducked out of rehearsals coz of the Vermont trip and thought I had no chance. But...he agreed. I get to sing. I am frikkin delighted!!! I fly back Tuesday afternoon and go to a rehearsal then dress rehearsal on Thursday and then perform Friday and Sat. I love the Christmas concert. I love the 1000+ people in the 1800C church on Broadway. I love the Saturday fun after the concert with everyone giddy and pleased with themselves.

I have decided to experience the concert as a personal celebration. It is my celebration of a year well survived. At the beginning of the year of IVF we had decided to do one round and then on to adoption. hahahahahahaha. Yeah, ok that didn't quite plan out. This year has been emotionally and physically hard. Yet. At the end of it I am more in love with my Dh than before, we have rediscovered intimacy after we lost it to 'babymaking', I have found that I can lose weight even when I am faced with hormone mayhem and emotional devastation.
Most of all, you guys. I have experienced profound support from complete strangers. You guys, that have gone through much more than I, more deeper despair and grief, much more daily challenges and yet you are always there. You taught me how to be generous and proud, how to hold on and help others.

So, on Friday at 8pm and Sunday at 3pm, I shall be singing in praise of you guys. The most generous and kind women I have ever had the honour to be guided and supported by.

Christmas might be early this year.

I had an amazing Dr J session today. She told me the biopsy was positive - I did indeed have polyps which she had successfully removed . Then she turned the machine towards me and there, on the screen, was something I have never seen before- 3 stripes. 3 frikkin stripes. I have them, I saw them for the first time.

"Oh very nice, yes, very nice, super" Dr J talks to herself (but out loud) as she scans the screen.

Then we sit down and talk dates.

Can you see me next Sat? If you can see me we have Donor retrieval 12th or 14th.

Ahhhhhhh!!!!!


Yes, I totally can. I will be here with bells on my little Polish nutcake. (note to self: cancel Vermont)

So there we are.

And guess what - she doesn't like her patients doing their own IM shots. So after the retrieval she wants me on bed rest for 7 days (HOLY COW) and the nurse comes the the house and does the shots for me. Even less stress for DH since he hates giving the shots. I asked why bed rest for 7 days.

"In New York we're busy all the time, we are rushing around and especially at the holiday times. So, you stay in bed, you rest, your body temperature remains constant and your heart beat is regular. All good for implantation"

That actually makes sense to me!

So folks we will know by Christmaas Day if we have been lucky this time or not. I am terrified of the not, if I am being honest. Terrified. But I know that I survived that last not and if it happens again - I'll survive again.
And if it works? Oh man. What a Christmas. What a Christmas!!

11 Madis.on

Every year DH and I go for a really great meal at one of the amazing places here in NYC. One year it was a sushi restaurant that cost the same amount as a ticket to Japan!! This year we decided on 11 Madis.on - a restaurant with a totally amazing chef. I was expecting good things. I was hoping for white tablecloth, fawning servers, fancy clothing type thing.

I was not disappointed.

Oh man, the food. the food, the food, the food. Stuff I can't pronounce but oh so amazing. We sat upstairs overlooking the main dining room and ate ourselves back to a time when we weren't coping with losses and disappointment. I toasted DH's amazing support and love, he just sat and tried not to cry. Ahh creatives!

In the afternoon we went to see the Fantastic Mr Fox with friends - amazing - go!!

I had a lovely day. A really lovely day.

...

All day, deep down in my brain, I missed my kids. Where are they????

Happy Thanksgiving

travel travel travel

So my client is a pain in the arse. He wants me in San Fran one day a week for two weeks. My travel schedule look like this:

Sunday fly to SF,
Tue fly to NYC,
Thu drive to Vermont,
Sat drive to NYC,
Sun fly to SF,
Tue fly to NYC.

and what, you may ask is supposed to start in the middle of all that ....??? Ah yes, MY FRIKKIN DE CYCLE

So I called the infamous Dr J.

" Oh, EB, please, do not worry. Your donor is ready and waiting for you. I will see you on your return and we will go full steam ahead after you get back from SF"

!

What if I need to go to SF in the cycle?

"Oh you worry! So there are dates you must not travel (transfer) but apart from that we will accommodate you".


Am I in a version of the IF twilight zone.

This makes me a very happy patient. Even if this thing doesn't work, I am less stressed now than throughout the past 12 months! It even makes me .... a tiny little bit hopeful. Just a tiny bit.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anyone know what has happened to cyclesista's?? I can't find the site? Did they close down?

Lighter shades of pale

ok, feeling better now. I know - it is the oddest thing. Too little sleep - EB = debbie downer. One night of sleep = wagging like a good one.

I went to my support group last night and they were eager to know what was going on. One women really suprised me. She said " I admire that you have stuck to something, to this something, for so long. You are exceptional"

I hadn't thought if it like that. I was thinking more along the victim lines. Ah woe is me, I am captured by this IF. I am here by choice though. It is my choice to continue seeking medical intervention. It helped me buck and shut up and my lovely freind would say.


Dr Jessie amazed me yesterday. I was supposed to see her on the 30th. I now have to be in San Fran on the 30th so I called to see if I could see her any other time. I was told the office was closed from Thanksgiving to 30th so it would have to be Thursday after. Oh, says I, I am in Vermont. They called me back, Dr Jessie will see me on the 28th - she is opening her office to see me. She lives miles away - way out nr the ocean somewhere and she is coming in to treat me.
Wow.

Am I blue?

or just over tired? I had a really busy weekend and here I sit, Monday morning unable to think or move. Maybe its the estrogen I started taking? Anyone?

I feel like someone let the air out. I guess it's coz I just got another revised travel schedule and I am traveling again on Sunday back to San Fran. The only flight they could get me on was a 6.45pm flight. Yikes! I will be knackered by the time I get there. I shall have some meetings on Monday, diner with the client and either get the red eye back or a day flight on Tuesday. Then on Thursday we drive to Vermont (5 hours). Ugh. I used to travel like this and more but that was before a gruelling year of IVF and failure.

Ah well, at least I get this Thursday off. Yippee- Thanksgiving. Lovely food, a movie and a 'no baggage' attached national holiday. Since I am not from this culture I have no negative associations with the holiday. I get to enjoy it just like kids do. This year we are having an early lunch at 11 Madiso.n (oh yeah baby) and then a film with friends later on in the evening. Looks like I might have to work on Friday (boo) but at least I can work from home.

and in honour of Thanksgiving (and in order to get my wag on) a little humor ...

How does a Turkey drink wine? In a gobble-let

Anyone else??

Mea Culpa

Here I sit, head hung in shame.

I may have been a little overly dramatic with my descriptions yesterday*. It was all a bit surprising (we had this penciled in for Monday) but the nurses and staff were very caring - they sat me down and made sure I was ok to leave.

And as for Dr J. have I mentioned she is Polish and I used to live there? She is treating me as if I am a Pole which is a compliment in that cold far away country, just translates poorly. And when you are really stoned - well, rusty Polish doesn't really help! Her bedside manner sucks and she is totally uncommunicative (which I was warned by an ex-patient) but so far she has gotten me further than the CRnl group. She removed a couple of polyps that she had to point out to me - across the first line there were three small lumps. She thinks this is what is hindering things. I hope she's right.

So, my dearest friends, thank you. thank you for all your messages and outrage on my behalf. I am so sorry to have played the drama queen card so recklessly and hope you will forgive me.

*(execpt the ouch fuckety fuck ouch bit - it did really hurt!!).

Day tripper

So there I am, Dr J's office at 9 am. Actually I got there late coz they are NEVER on time so why should I be. After 10 mins the crappy nurse yells my name (HIPPA be damned apparently) and yells "Sono" after. She was around the corner from the waiting room at this time so I just assumed her meaning. Nice manners you got there.

Anyhow - Dr J comes in, wand goes up and she says 'still there'. I am thinking she does not mean my uterus but the polyps. She opens the door and yells shit in Polish. Then super nurse comes in with an injection.
"what's that? "
"local"
"what for"
"in case its needed" (oh yeah duh, stupid me)

Dr J pops the liquid in my arm and ..... i... am.... totally.... stoned.....
Then OUCH the fuckity fuck ouch.
She not only 'cleans' my uterus up she take the biopsy for the co-culture.
'Stay, till not dizzy' she mutters.
"Fuck off", says I to no-one. I get up too quickly and get dressed. She hands me a prescription and out I go.
Bit like every Saturday morning when I was a teenager - without the $20K price tag and medical procedures.

And that is that till November 30th.

Question: what has happened to cyclesista??

sunny side up

Decided against the cleanse - the first shake tasted like crap!! So I had a healthy three cups of coffee (blue door coffee from SF) and will grab some lunch at some time today.

Feeling much more chipper today after a good nights sleep. Amazing what sleep deprivation does to me. I am such a sensitive soul. I weighed myself this am and i have only gained one pounds which can be easily lost with some long walks and good choices. I decided to give myself a break till the end of the year. maintain where I am, not gain and then when January comes around I can see what's what.

I get sudden bursts of excitement about the DE cycle. Something has changed, for sure. It's like I realized that this time around the percentage of chance is much lower (for no reason I can determine, but there you go) so it's like "hey, what the hell, give it a go". Last time I was so determined to be successful. Laughable in its arrogance. Oh well. I suffered the punishment of that arrogance that's for sure. I also keep thinking, somewhere out there a teenager is shagging her boyfriend standing on one leg (coz that means you don't get preggers right?) and they are making my little one. My little one is being created right now and they know I am coming for them. We know we are meant to be together. When they look at me, they will sense my heart is theirs. When I look at them, my heart will start beating for the first time.


Random thought....
I watched a documentary on the plane. SOLO. It was about this chap, And.rew M.cAuley, an extreme adventurer who attempted to kayak across the stretch of water between Australia and New Zealand. To put it in some perspective the trip took about 30 days and there were NO other vessels out there coz the ocean is too rough. Too rough for those enormous tracking ships or navy vessels. He was advised by the coast guard and everyone he knew not to do it for the sake of his wife and son.
Andrew was lost at sea within sight of the New Zealand coast. He most probably died from hypothermia/drowning due to exhaustion when his Kayak capsized.

His best friend, another adventurer, explained that this need ... to cross the water, to conquer the challenge, to undergo the extreme adventure was not adventuring but a weakness. it was a weakness because he put his own life before his family.
Thought that was interesting.

nearing the next time

I met some close colleagues in SF for a quick drink before yet another diner. Within moments we were discussing TTC, IVF, DE, and I had no idea they were trying! I thought - wherever you go there we are!!

So here we are. Back in NY and nearing the end of the mock cycle. It all feels a bit unreal, a bit distant from me. This time next month we will be nearing transfer. I hope it's as uninvolved as the mock. That would rock! I need to get my head in the game a bit though. I am eating too many carbs and way too much sugar, too much coffee and too little sleep. I am soooo off the weight watchers discipline. That has to change. I will not gain weight. I may do a cleanse tomorrow.
I feel stuck. My weight is stuck, I'm on the round about again - mocks, cycles, doctors and I can't see the end. I am having sharp pains in my left side - cramps but sharp - ovulation? I guess. I want to move off the round about, want to go forward but don't believe I will at the moment. Must remember- December 31st is the last day of TTC.

Elizabeth- thinking of you and Will. I hope all is stable and you both get to come home really soon. All my love to you and yours.
EB

Gone fishing...

Hey all. I am in sunny San Francisco - it really is a lovely city. Everywhere I go I see pregnant women which I am taking as a sign :-)
trying to be good withthe food but oh! So hard.
Back home on Thursday so I'll post later in the week.

Dr 'Sim.pson' doing good.

I know I have written about my lack of faith in my new RE since she is so much like the Dr from the Simpsons. Well, she has redeemed herself. The L.upron bleeding has revealed polyps which is why the embies had a hard time in my u-tube. Cornel.l you SUCK. She says they are easy to treat (if they don't release on their own) next weekend. She has put me on Folic Acid only (very high dose) since some of the stuff in the prenatal (iron it think) is not too helpful for polyp people like me.

So. There we are. Something different.

Oh and another thing. THE DONOR SAID YES!!! We are on for December. I don't want to jinx all this but crapola monkey we may be finished by December end of year. We may be transferring near New Years which is perfect for me - New Years Eve in bed, eating pineapple (but not too much) drinking soup and watching black and white movies.

And for the first time I am excited about the transfer. Maybe we can do the transfer get pregnant and adopt all next year. An apartment full of kids and those cute kid clothes. And diapers. And poop. OK. Maybe just the transfer!!

Hamlet for dummies

Went to Ju.de La.w in Hamlet last night. I was told by friends that have already seen it not to expect too much. It was kinda good. They took a few liberties with the script but on the whole Mr Jud.e was very watchable. It was like Hamlet for dummies.

Ophelia was totally crap though. Holy hell in a hand basket make her stop!!!! She sang the madness songs like she was in a ancient version of Re.nt and her idea of madness is wide eyes and shaking head.


She should inject L.upro.n for a year and then do the frikkin scene. Madness is not wide eyed distraction. It's desperate and all encompassing. It's desire for something so unattainable that you can think of nothing else, speak of nothing else, be nothing else other than this body of desire. Madness is knowing one thing but feeling something completely else. It is looking at the faces of those you love only to wonder why you love them, why you chose them, why they love you if you cannot keep life alive in you. Madness is paying for all the treatments even after you promised yourself once was enough. Madness is the addiction to treatment. Madness is the bills, piling up and straining every resource you have. Madness is holding your stomach and imagining for only a second that all is possible only to realise that there is no child in your body, no life to protect that is not your own.

Madness is success, hearing the heartbeat and feeling the life whilst everyday struggling to protect your thoughts from the deepest fears of loss felt all too often, pain felt with regular normality and depression so profound that breathing is a choice.


Would I prefer to be the mom of the first pregnancy I had. Yes. But I am not. I miscarried and many time again. So, this IF journey has made me mad and through that madness I feel free and strong. Hamlet may be the hero of Shakespeare's play but for the first time in my life I feel that I am the hero of my story. As are you of yours.

Spinal compression

What now? Oh yes, I have spinal compression again. It's the Lup 'i hate EB lets sock it to her' ron and I have had it before so no panic. Lots yoga and slow walking. It's a great excuse not to do any weights at the gym which means I have to do all the weird Pilate's and stretchy yoga that is on offer there. Did I mentioned I am built like an English rugby player?? Me doing yoga is positively hilarious. Like the hippo from a Disney cartoon.

So here I am. Half way through my mock and I have started to worry. What do I know about the donor - do we have a donor! I haven't had any blood tests for E2 etc . I am seeing her Dr J on Sat so I shall write a list of questions to go through with her. I am not really talking to DH about how I feel or side effects etc. I think he would prefer to just let it all disappear for a few weeks. Don't blame him. Neither one of us are talking about 'when we are pregnant in January', in fact we haven't even gone as far as 'if this happens' coz I think we both expect it not to. All we do talk about is adoption - the worry of the kids rejecting us when they get old enough to suss us out, the biological family being nuts and causing nothing but mayhem in our lives and the big one, the one we haven't spoken about for any real time, how we feel about not having biological children.

We go to Vermont the first week in December for the Friends in Adoption workshop (thanks Kate!!) so maybe that will be the time to have those discussion.

And one last thing; thanks for all the lovely messages welcoming me home. I must say, you guys make a whole world of difference in my life. The support, comradeship and empathy.

AN AWARD!!

Look! I got an award yesterday. "so much for simple and easy" nominated me. THANKS! I love getting awards - validation junkie that I am.






Rules

1. You can only use one word!
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers.
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!

Answers
1. Where is your cell phone? desk
2. Your hair? styled
3. Your mother? hippie
4. Your father? physicist
5. Your favorite food? carby
6. Your dream last night? Obama
7. Your favorite drink? tea!!
8. Your dream/goal? theatre
9. What room are you in? office
10. Your hobby? singing
11. Your fear? anxiety
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? motherhood
13. Where were you last night? sitting room
14. Something that you aren’t? mean
15. Muffins? Yes
16. Wish list item? - 10 pounds,
17. Where did you grow up? Yorkshire, UK
18. Last thing you did? advised
19. What are you wearing? suit
20. Your TV? too big
21. Your pets? furry-purries
22. Friends? invaluable
23. Your life? on-going
24. Your mood? on-going
25. Missing someone? kids - where ever they are
26. Vehicle? Feet
27. Something you’re not wearing? a thong - I mean why!!
28. Your favorite store? none
29. Your favorite color? green
30. When was the last time you laughed? a moment ago
31. Last time you cried? a moment ago
32. Your best friend? Husband
33. One place that I go to over and over? Yorkshire UK
34. One person who e-mails me regularly? someone called SPAM ALERT
35. Favorite place to eat? outdoors


And I nominate -
K from Inveritas (but K, you don't need to fill the form out till you feel better!!)
BWUB
Elizabeth from Liams World
Late for a very important pregnancy
Can you Imagine
Dreams and False Alarms.

SIL story

to get to where my family lives we have to undergo the following 'lord of the rings' journey

We can only take a night flight and it takes off at 7pm. We at 7am. We then walk to the train station (30 mins) and then we take a two hour train journey. Once we arrive at the train station we only have another one hour in the car to reach the family homestead.

At this point I am sleep deprived, feel like crap and cold, oh so cold. We sit in my brothers house and it is dark and raining. One lamp is on. gloooooomy. But what is more amazing is that the heating is not on. I am in a down coat but shivering. My nephew is sitting next to me chattering away as he plays on my Iphone and the SIL walks in. She says hi to her son and then makes herself a cup of tea and a sandwich.

She sits down and answers a few questions from my mum (who is babysitting) and then demands that her son stops paying the game and sits by her.

At this point, she hasn't said hello or offered us any food or drink. We have been up for about 20 hours.

I smile at my nephew who is sitting on her lap but trying to get my attention

"Aren't you lovely, aren't you handsome" she says to her son "you got that from my side of the family"

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh yes. For the rest of our trip we saw her only once. We paid for diner so naturally she attended. The whole point of the visit was to go to Bonfire Night but she decided not to come!!!

Oh its all fun and games with family, right.

-----------------------------------------------
Had my second L.upron shot today. Haven't had any blood work but I guess that is just how they rock at the Simpson/s clinic!! The only time they are proactive is when you don't pay!!

Oh for the love of cheese ...

Breakthrough bleeding. Ya, really heavy breakthrough bleeding that started two hours before the seven hour night flight to the UK. We get to the $300 a night hotel and there is no shop for.. well, you know. We have to go over a really busy road to the local supermarket for our ... my needs and boy is it dark, wet and cold.

They only have the little ones ... of everything. Oh yes, I am in Europe where women don't sweat (only perspire) and clearly no-one has a real period.

Although I stressed a little it didn't matter too much. I still swam in the really lovely pool, hot tubed and rested up. My crazy eccentric family didn't disappoint and my wonderful DH put up with all that and my anxiety levels shooting through the roof every so often.

I come from a dark, cold and wet place. I love visiting, especially because my nephew is getting older and he is so much fun. But boy, is it good to be home!!!!!! I an no longer of that place. Here is home, with him.

Tomorrow I get Lupron shot 2. Dr Jessie is pleased I am bleeding - thinks it will thin out my lining and she told me not to worry. I see her on Saturday. I'm not worried. I couldn't care less. All the way home I daydreamed about being on the plane with our little adopted kids. I day dreamed about bags with toys and sleepy heads resting on my shoulder and about getting them home, the cats running up to welcome them home. Would it be great to be preggers with my husbands baby. Yes, of course. But after 4 days with my lovely but wacky family adoption looks really attractive right now!!!!

SIL didn't disappoint. More of her later.

Hope you are all well.

54321... liftofffffff

Well, here we are. 4pm and my workday is almost done. I am almost on vacation!! OH MY GOD vacation. When was my last real vacation? Maine for 3 days? Can't remember. I will be run off my feet tomorrow trying to get everything ready to fly in the evening but thats ok. I like the panic and running around coz that means I am exhausted for the crappy coach set overnight.

I shall enjoy my trip coz I think the L.upron is wearing off and I will get to breath fresh air, walk on green mossy moors, eat fresh organic food and exercise like a mad women at the hotel gym. I am going to enjoy this vacation like a prisoner on weekend release.

I shan't really have a chance to read or comment - we will be in the sticks. Shelly I hope you get a surprise in the next few days. BWUB I hope you post more hilarious stories about your SIL (Vermin in the freezer) and K - I'm thinking of you and sending 'get well soon' vibes (what is hyperthingy anyway?).

Bye all, read you soon.

Monday frikkin Monday

Why oh why oh why does the weekend speed by? I am shattered still, from my Halloween festivities. I long for a beach with sun and long long days of sleeping and swimming and sunning myself. Ahhh beach.

I look old today. Great big panda eyes and saggy skin. I know lots of this is the Lup.ron. I know this is all for a good cause but couldn't I look gorgeous while doing this?? Is that too much to ask??

Side effects questions
1. Does anyone 'click' while on EL? If I twist or turn I pop and l click like a skeleton.
2. I thought I was supposed to get dry 'down there' but er..not so much
3. Tired. oh so tired - anyone else?


I have a two day work week this week. Then Wednesday we fly to Europe. It is only a weekend but it will be so good to be away. I shall pop over to Saks this lunchtime to look for a new coat (all mine are too big now) and a hat & gloves for my nephew.

OK. So this is it. My favourite time of the year is here. Halloween to New Years.
Even tho it is a little forced, I got my wag on!!!
WAG ON ...

no good deed ...

I put on my costume last night and thought - what am I? I had a long purple sparkly shift dress on and a very odd hat, purple face and "sparkle". Well, it turned out that I was a sea creature. Along with my fellow sea creatures we were attached via a long cape like thing to a women on stilts who was the head sea creature. And I had dance backwards to Brazilian music.

Now, I am by nature an introvert, I d not like crowds, dancing or making a show of myself. Why then did I agree to be in the parade. DH asked me. The parade started at 7pm We got there around 530pm. Everyone was stressing and I tried to just smile and think happy thoughts. We finally got attached to our prima donna stilts walker. The guy to my right was Brazilian and could dance his ass off. The guy to my left was a model/ ex banker with a 6 foot stunning Brazilian girlfriend! All the press swarmed around them which wouldn't have been too bad if I wasn't tethered to the good looking nightmares.

Then it started raining. pouring. I was soaked, cold, tired and had to dance to a Brazilian percussion trio dressed like Micheal Jackson. WHA????

Stilts walker took a tumble two blocks from the end (which is the beginning - don't ask) so we got to be untethered (she was fine) while she yelled at the model couple for tripping her up. HA HA HA HA

DH was in a FOUL mood (I don't like being cold and wet" well, buddy this was your frikkin idea) and by the time we got home I just wanted a shower and my bed.

I'm glad I did it even if it did suck. We have great photo's for our adoption packet!!!! I dedicate my dancing sea creature to us all, the women of IF. The shit we have to go through just to get to the starting line.

boo!

I have a few moments before i have to climb into my parade costume.
weigh in day - up 1.6 pounds. I don't care. I know I am following the program, exercising etc. its just EL weight.

BWUB has found out the gender of her little peanut. CONGRATULATIONS BWUB! What with K and you and I having a ball with this pregnancy lark for the first time in years.

Hope you all have a spooky and scream-filled Halloween.

FU - IF

Seems like lots of us are in a funk these days. Wonder if we should all agree to smile at a certain time everyday. Like at 4pm (CST) we all agree to think of a really big smile. I found that if I think of a smile - I smile. Or I think of a really deep belly laugh I chuckle (especially if I think of my nephew being ticked by his dad and him laughing/shouting "no daddy, no daddy). It won't change our situation but it might change our disposition. We could call it 'FU-IF' time.


Cycle news: My weight has started going up. I am now 5 pounds heavier (after one week on L.upron). I have eaten a whopping 1800 calories a day and worked out for 6 hours so far. Ah well. I know its water weight. My face is swollen and my stomach is swollen (my tights leave funny lines on my belly)
Even tho I hate seeing my weight go up I shall weigh in at WW tomorrow and for my trip to the UK next week I have ordered my mother NOT buy cakes, chocolate etc. I know I shall indulge but I think the evil Lu.pron side fx will help me stay focused. We are staying at a hotel with a gym and pool so I shall work out each night. I am really looking forward to being away - away from the fridge that has the left over drugs in it, away from the calender of failure and frustration, away from the streets that lead to one specialist or another.

Have a great weekend all.

"I'm not afraid"

I just spoke with my 5 year old nephew. I told him I would be over for Bonfire night (a bit like 4th July but wetter) since he was afraid of the 'bangs' (fireworks). "I'm not afraid" he said. "Not anymore". I could just see his face; eyebrows knitted, eyeballs blazing, mouth puckered. He is afraid. He is freakin' terrified but he is also 5, a boy and a great kid.

It made me realise that whilst life this past year has been a bit of an uphill battle, it has been nothing like trying to be 5 years old. So complicated, so confusing and so often, frightening. If my nephew can deal with the scariest night of the year, I can get through this next 3 months with a better attitude.

So, in the tradition of DE #1 - the wag is back!!!!! (I saw a bumper sticker that suggested we 'bark less, wag more'.)

I know my depression is more chemical than psychological (I researched L/upron Depot - oh boy!!) which means that whilst I cannot control it I can re frame my relationship to it. I am not depressed, my chemicals are. I have gone to the gym three times this week for a total of 6 hours (today was a killer) and I am trying to stick to my points. Lu/pron Depot can raise ones weight up to 15 pounds so I am being vigilant about what I eat (already up 3 pounds from when I got the injection). Lots of fiber and low sodium stuff.

It's a struggle and it sometimes feels hollow but, fuck it, this is my life and I will not be the victim. If this cycle works - doozy. If not, I will know we did everything humanly possible to have/ carry a biological child. I am already excited that somewhere out there my kids are waiting. We chatted yesterday about taking the newly adopted kids to Latvia next Christmas to see Papa Noel. My mum wants to meet us there with my 5 year old nephew.

Sounds like a plan.

Wetter than an otters armpit

STOP RAINING!! I expect to see Noah in his ark sailing down Madison Ave.

Last night DH told me some deep and kind of hard to listen to stuff. It was stuff about how he felt and feels for me. The good news he is more in love with me now than when we got married. Yes, you read that right. But if I am being honest, the same is true for me also. We got married after knowing each other for a year. I was excited about our relationship when we wed but what I felt then and what I feel now... no comparison. I had no idea who he was, not really. He never complains. He always supports. He drives me NUTS coz he doesn't listen. He is so creative it's astounding. Kind of an odd discussion but really good to get it all out in the open.

I wanted to take a moment to congratulate K. She has done it and done it in a big way. Triplets. I am so happy that you have been successful I can't tell you. It is such a wonderful feeling when one of us actually gets the break. Triplets. Holy crap, women!!!! I wish I could give you a big hug. Please post about everything!!

it's normal I guess

I told my support group last night how up and down I feel lately. Felling OK one moment then the next deep in the clutches of doom and gloom. Everyone said the same thing - its normal, of course, don't worry it'll pass.

And I guess they are right.

But I have to tell you, its hard right now. The little things send my anxiety into orbit. An unexpected bill, a look from DH, a sentence in the novel I might be reading. Then I have moments where I think that the end is in sight, one way or another. By January we will be done with trying to get pregnant. We can move on.

I guess this is what depression is. A constant state of emotional suppression with little peaks of relief.

Whatever it is, it totally blows.

I have faith that it will lessen with time. I have faith that we will survive this as a couple and even may be stronger in our life together. It is, in some masochistic nightmarish way, good for me to go through this. I guess.


Right?

Morning!

I felt so much better after having the conversation with DH. He is so worried about all the money we are spending on IF. I get it, I do. The good news is I have some money saved and some insurance money we can put against this last DE try. It will bring the actual costs right down.

It is a glorious autumn day today. I love days like these. They remind me of why I came to the US in the first place. I love weather. Hot, sunny, cold, snowy. Just can't stand rain (hey I grew up in the UK, can you blame me!). According to the farmers almanac it is supposed to be a very snowy winter. Hope so. It's still too early to see myself preggers this winter. Maybe that will come later.

My mother has yet another IF suggestion. This time it is based on not eating wheat, drinking coffee, no sugar, etc... Yeah ok, Ma. Haven't told her that we have given up on my eggs. I have told her that we are trying another IVF in December "one last try" so I should expect mucho suggestions. She has no faith in western medicine and all faith in anything remotely alternative. I don't blame her, she has had some horrendous experiences with the docs, particularly around pregnancy and childbirth. Needless to say I listen and contemplate. If we do get preggers then I shall say that I followed her advice.

On Saturday I am in the Parade. My costume - well I think it is a zombie sea creature.I have a black shift dress covered in sparkle with purple gloves and a hat with white flower things. My make up is purple and gold I believe. No idea where this comes from or what it means - I am there as my DH camera assistant. He has a rather snazzy dress and a very long green hat that is so phallic I chocked on my tea when he first put it on. I mean VERY phallic. VERY VERY phallic.

Oh the irony.

Confusion - update.

Had a great lunch with DH. All is well. He is tired and worried about money. I am tired and worried about spending money and not getting pregnant. So then I realized - if it doesn't work? We move on. We save and move on.
All is well.

---------------------------------
My DH and I have had an enormous misunderstanding. He thought we were taking a month off and then deciding which route to go down. I thought we had agreed to do the prep work with Dr J etc.

How did this happen? Not sure. We were in the couples session and the therapist laid out a plan. I thought we had agreed to do it, my DH thought we had agreed to think about it. Since I have seen the couples therapist for a solo session since and we spoke about the plan, it seems that the couples therapist also thought we had agreed to 'do' the plan.

We talked it through last night. He is worried about money and also about me taking a month of for emotional recovery time. It made me cry and depressed again so maybe he has a point but how the hell did this happen?? I have been speaking about yesterday's appointment with him for two weeks, going on about dates etc. What did he think was going on? It made me want to walk away from everything, every option, every situation, every moment. For the first time in years, I cried in public, on a crowded subway no less. Totally humiliating.

We tried to enjoy the evening but there was tension between us. It was very stressful. I kept saying things like " Its great that we get to concentrate on something other than IVF" trying to make him feel like we were NOT doing a cycle. I said " you're not involved till late December" and he said "I can't take time off work in December" meaning he couldn't take time off work to do the sample on retrieval day. He is under a ton of pressure right now, with the trip to Haiti getting ever closer. I know he is really worried about it. I guess we are both feeling its all a bit much.

If this cycle doesn't work I can't imagine the toll it will take on our marriage.

Oh why couldn't I just get pregnant like a normal person. Why do we have to go through all this crap.

OK, I need to think my way out of this funk. I earn enough to replenish the coppers quickly. If this doesn't work we will take a nice long break since adoption takes so long and we can decide what we want to do. We can plan some great expeditions - we have a project in Patagonia that we could do in the winter and a trip to Mongolia we could organize for June. We will know by January what our lot is and we can move on to either outcome quickly.

I hate IF.

And we are off....

I had my appointment with Dr J. today. We looked through donor profiles. Yes we did. We looked through donor profiles. I picked a handful of possibles and she will follow up with them. Yes, just like that.

Then I had a lu.pron shot. Want to know when my next shot is? in 3 weeks. yeeeeeeeeehhhhhaaaaaaaaaa!!

I see her in 3 weeks for my second shot. Then I see her on a few Saturday mornings. I am having a biopsy just before my lu.pron period then .... we cycle.

Ha!

This is so NOT Corn.el, which I am liking and reeling. I am going with it. Taking a deep breath and trusting. I am a bit er... shell shocked. And excited.

And I am getting very excited about adoption. I have been filling in forms and looking over country options.


(Anyone watch Modern Family. It is so funny. I lmao every episode. And I am so glad we have no family! )

Ahhh Friday

Lovely lovely Friday. I just love it. It's like Christmas Eve every week. I even get to work from home today - hahahahahaha. Love it.

I went to WW to weigh in today since I am going to see Dr J. tomorrow morning. Down over 2 pounds. Yipee.

I am feeling much better today. Today, I can get through my work quickly and then I am going to the gym. I have two hours of trainer today (JOY!!) which means three hours of moving my body and flooding my system with healthy ions and all that. I love doing these marathon sessions at the gym. Physical movement is my natural anti-depression.

I already feel different. It might work. This cycle might work. And if it doesn't we have some great options. So happy to be in this frame of mind!! This time next year, we may well be planning our first Thanksgiving with our new family.

Here is a funny thing. For the past year, going into a cycle, I have 'grounded' myself. I delegated all travel since the hospital took center stage. This time, not so much. I have a ton of travel (to Europe and San Fran - how about that cup of tea guys) and I will speak with Dr J about what is needed for the cycle. If I need blood work I shall go to a local clinic and get them to phone or fax the results. The transfer could be a few days before Christmas Day. Oddly enough, December 22nd is one of my favourite dates in the calender. Its the date, when I was a kid, that we would put on a pantomime in the local church to raise money for a kids hospice. We got to eat Kent/ucky Fried Chicken that day. A very special day.

Thursday

I have cut back on the coffee. I think I was over indulging a little (huge amounts!) and I have restarted the prenatal vitamins. On Tuesday of last week I stopped taking them ("what's the fucking point").

Even though I am busy I am still a little fragile deep down inside. I have a strong urge to stay in bed, be with my DH and generally do nothing, which I am resisting.

I think I have a bug, since I still have a sore throat and headache but I also know this could be the side fx of depression.

All in all, I am moving forward in the best way I know how even though I am scared and tired.

On the happy side, I am wearing pants that I have had since 2005 and never been able to get into. :-)

Wednesday.

I have a weird throat today which could come from choir last night or could be the beginnings of another freakin' cold. WTF. Have I got any immune system left??

For the first time since last Tuesday I had a spark of excitement about our last hope cycle. We will be transferring really soon - like in December or January. I realized how soon that is when we tried to book a weekend away last night. We are basically booked up every weekend till December 18th! I am terrified that this cycle wont work, of course. And I am still exhausted from the last cycle (I think I am still depressed) but with good food, food sleep and good fun I am sure I can get my batteries recharged in no time. Dr J. mentioned that we get to look at photo's of the donors. That will freak me out!

Yesterday was a funny anniversary - we had breakfast together at 7am then saw each other at 11pm! We exchanged cards and he got me a little present. We are going to celebrate on Friday night at an old fashioned diner and then go to roller derby on Saturday. Sweet! I know I am biased but I do think I have the best DH in the world. He got me two cards. One was Happy Anniversary and he wrote a meaningful little message. The second said "You are Amazing" and he wrote a heartfelt tribute to my stamina in the past year. I mean - hello!!!! I really want to have his child, it true, but I think whatever happens, we'll be ok.

Thanks for all the lovely messages guys. It is so kind of you all to take the time and feels so good.

2 years

It's our two year wedding anniversary today.

If you read this blog (even though you say you don't) I love you babe. Very, very much.

And... ow!!.

AF is here. I am glad. I am relieved that last cycle is now done with. I don't get to do the sonogram thingy this week and probably won't with Cornell. I don't want to go back to that clinic for a while. It is really painful but I just took some pain killers suggested by the hospital and I totally stoned! I have the munchies but I think that is just a natural state.

They drama is lifting a little bit everyday. Back at work, back in the chaos, is nice. I was fine yesterday night after working out like a demon and having a long hot soak in my bath. This morning I am anxious again but it could be to do with the amount of coffee I drank!! Deep breaths, sunny skies and a realistic look at my life helps. I am lucky in most parts of my life. Hopefully I will catch a break in this one area soon.

I have some fun trips coming up and have booked my trainer for 3 hours a week (which means I will do a minimum of 5 hours a week). We have some fun projects at work and some crazy clients. I will not let this last cycle ruin my autumn. It is a wonderful time of year and I look forward to it.

My biggest challenge is knock on emotion. So when I feel depressed I feel anxious, I get paranoid my lead team will quit or I will get fired or someone will steal a client etc. Mostly my anxiety is focused on being left high and dry at work. So I need to think about how to keep level headed and focused.

Guys, I know I have said it before but here it comes again. Thank you. Your consistent support has been my life line and my hope.

Rainy Sundays ... great excuse.

I was supposed to go to an adoption convention today but enough! I am taking an intellectual break for a while. I want to have some freakin' fun.

I booked a quick vacation to see my folks in November and DH is seeing if he can get compassionate leave. We stay in the only hotel nr the village that my brother lives in. Its in an business park - but a really English version of a business park (think the Office) but they have a great fitness center and a spa (it's a kind of gym for local elite) and that means I get to take my 5 yr old nephew swimming. yeah.

DH told me last night that all this stuff is really getting to him. He lost both his parents when too young and has no family to speak of. He has had a really hard time with all the rejection and failures. Emotionally, I think he is wrung out.

A surprising thing happened when I opened my mouth to comfort him.
" If this is all too much we stop, babe. We stop the treatments and the adoptions and we start to live as a child free couple. We have done more than was asked in order to make this happen and it hasn't. You just say the word."

Of course he said he couldn't do that to me. But at the time, and still today, I meant it. There is only so much we can handle. There is only so much I am willing to put him and myself through. I imagined a houseful of kids but we have other options, as sad as that feels right now. We'll do a cycle with DrJ and DH won't have to do anything before December. I am going to make a concerted effort to talk about and think about other things whilst we are together.


Want to know the most bitter irony of all. My brother and his wife got pregnant on the first try - the first try, the very first try. But she only wants 1 kid (since being preggers makes her look fat) so they aren't having any more.

A day better

When I awoke this morning I didn't have a stone in my stomach. I didn't wake up crying. I was glad to wake up. I think, folks, I may have turned the corner. I even have the embers of excitement about crazy Dr Jessie and our adoption routes.

I am still feeling queasy and getting bad cramps but no AF. That's 5 days off the drugs. Anyone else feel queasy when they came off the drugs?
I did a bunch of medical research about lup.ron etc. Lupr.on increases the lining. Increases it!! And it decreases estrogen not suppresses it, decreases it. I thought I was already in menopause because my E2 levels were sluggish.

Dr Jessie does 2 injections of Lur/pon instead of daily. She only uses the E2 pills not the patches. Sounds like my DE cycle might be kinda easy! I have our kick off meeting next Sat. According to the women that just got preggers through Dr J (and had tons of failures at C.L) " it's so different from C/L. There is hardly any paper work and its really low key. That's good and bad. You are relaxed but you never quite know what is going on!" I am going to take in a three month calender. Get her to write key events on it. Write in possible NO TRAVEL dates so I can organize my work and then let her do her thing. I am no longer anxious about her. She is successful because she puts back tons of embryo's. I even hope to get a vacation in here somewhere.

Another C.L WTF moment was when my RE said "we should have put back three or four of these embryo's or waited till day 5" Ahhhhhhhhh. Yeah, ya think!

OK, i have hereby let go of all that negative shit. C/L didn't do a great job and I am done with that. Moving on.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's weigh in day. Disclaimer: I wore jeans and sweater coz its freezing. I was up 3.4 pounds. I don't really care. I think I am even. However, it is time to start feeding my body with healthy autumn foods and working out. 10 pounds by Christmas. 10 pounds by my transfer!

Friday.

Yesterday was a weird day. We had a couple session in the am. I just didn't want to talk about it anymore but I'm glad we went. Our therapist went through the options with us. She helped prioritize and take some of the decision making burden away which, from my point of view, seems overwhelming right now.

DE is depressed and has retreated which always upsets me.

I had and have a knot in my stomach and can't seem to shake nausea. Anxiety is a kicker eh. Of course, it crossed my mind that they got the test wrong and I am pregnant. Of course there is still hope in the impossible. Wouldn't that be a C:L mistake in my favor for once. Even with the nausea I still managed to ignore my diet. I figured I would just go with the flow until AF arrives (no pun intended) and then snap back into it.

So. here it is... Plan H ( I think)

We decided to go ahead with Dr Jessie (I see her next week), keep on the adoption route (information finding and agency selection) keep the frosties as a back up plan.

Dr Jessie has a long lead up time for DE patients, about 3 months. I will do a cycle with her so she can monitor my bits and blood without ' intervention' (baselining). Then the prep cycle and straight after that the Donor cycle. She bases the treatment around me not the donor. We get to chose from a few donors (CL preselects) which might be fun.

By my calculations and given that nothing is as straight forward as we are told, I think the transfer will be in late December/January

I have time to get over this annoying funk and lose weight. Now how much should I set myself? 10 pounds. Yes, that sounds about right.

RE WTF

When I got to see my RE yesterday (for the first time in 2 years she was on time) she had all the answers you would expect. No idea why it didn't work. The cramping after transfer was due to my enormous ovaries and oporater error, apparently. So sorry. Such a huge disappointment.

She called me later in the day. She wants to do a h/sonogram. She wants to check out my uterus lining.

She wants to do this AFTER we have spent all this money??? I have been at the clinic for 2 years. She told me that there may be some reason that my lining is preventing implantation. It may be too thick ( I start at 7 and go to 20)

If I wasn't so depressed I would be angry.

Last night I went to international adoption class #1. We qualify for Russia and Ethiopia. That's it. I resented sitting there, I resented listening to all the reasons why we can't adopt form 90% of the countries out there and I was tired. Yes, I went a little too early in the grieving process!

DH and I didn't discuss any of this last night. I didn't have the energy and he is depressed (which is manifested by snarling and disappearing) so I thought we could try this morning in our couples session.

I am feeling awfully sorry for myself. Hopefully my first workout in what feels like 2 months will help.

OK. Here I am.

Still sad. And still mad as hell that C/l fucked up our expensive treatment. But, the sadness is settling into a basic funk which is easy to categorise as PMS.

My RE called yesterday. She was really upset. I mean genuinely upset. Quite a weird conversation. I agreed to come in today to see her for my WTF conversation and I shall go through what I think happened and how Melissa is a nice enough women but a crap coordinator. I dreamt that they say - hell, we will give you a 50% refund or, wait, we just have to have these perfect babies someone left a while back - you want??

I decided to go all out today. Phoned in sick. Went for a really long massage, long walk, the consolation cup of coffee (very big cup of coffee) and a diet coke. At some point very soon sushi will be in my life. My darling friend got us tix to go to the opera, another is taking me out for lunch tomorrow and you guys, I have you guys. Your words were amazing - the agent that helped me emerge from all the guilt, blame, fury and grief.

And for the record - I am glad I tested on Sat. It gave me a three day lead on the grief.

Still not sure what to do next, whether to give up, do it all, do a bit. My instinct is to go with the FET if we can do it this upcoming cycle. Its cheaper than a whole new cycle and less hassle. We are starting our adoption route too. Tonight is the international adoption class at Spence -C. My friend is the next door neighbour of the 'Adoption Doctor' (she's a name in adoption circles apparently) and has offered to introduce us. We have the Embryo adoption route. And thanks to wonderful Soapchick we have Dr Jessie that has a really great batting average if we do another cycle. In 2006 this Dr had 11 DE patients and 11 DE patients to full term.

So, I am emerging. Still as fragile as all get out but through the worst. I am thinking about my gym routine, how to lose this next 10 pounds and all the little trips I can now make. I am looking forward to being hormone balanced for a little while. I am looking forward to not thinking about 'if' and 'what if' for a while.

Again, thanks guys.

IVF3 DE1

Negative.

I thought I would be OK. But deep down inside I hoped for a 49. I hoped for a positive. I had to leave work. I kept it together until I closed my apartment door. Then it all fell apart. The seams ripped open.

Yesterday I made i list of options

• try another DE cycle: Lovely Soapchick put me in touch with someone that had used an RE called Dr Jessie. I went to see her yesterday and in a flash I had an ultrasound and a ton of blood work drawn. Too quick though. She made me anxious and whilst her CDC rating is high her customer satisfaction is not. Her rating is very high - the cdc reported that in 2006 she did 11 DE's and 11 went to birth.
• We have the frosties and at least they are in an environment that I know, which brings me some peace.
• We have our first adoption intro tomorrow.

But I don't want any of them. I want to be done with options. I want this time to be my turn. I want to have lost 35 pounds, saved $20K of our hard earned money, not traveled or gone on vacation and had weekly acupuncture to be pregnant, pregnant, pregnant, pregnant, pregnant.

I just don't know where to put all this sadness.

10 dp3dt

Yeah, I poas again this morning and nadda.

I started tossing around the idea of another DE cycle. We wouldn't have to borrow to pay for it, but its not like we have the cash to spare. What would it mean to our adoption plan? Why would the outcome be any different? How would I feel after that cycle failed? Can we make it through another cycle?

Why am I so hung up on getting pregnant now? I never was before. I knew I wanted to adopt when I was in my early 20s. Where does this irrational pull come from, this need to have 'our' baby?

I wrote a different post this morning but decided to edit it. It was all bile and anger. Yes, I am really, really angry this didn't work but what can I do about it.

We are going to our first adoption class on Wednesday. International adoption with a really well known agency in NYC. We qualify for Russia and Bulgaria. That just makes me laugh writing those words. I will have to learn all the new words, acronyms, expectations and rules for the PAP (pre adoption parents!!). We asked for their domestic program workshop also and we have the class in December. That gives us time for the FET ... to not work.

I am looking forward to hearing the end tomorrow so I can let go. I need to let go and be someplace else for a while. I always said that if this didn't work I would go on a fancy vacation someplace. I think I shall go to a really good spa and just work out every day, all day, get great massages and sleep.

Thanks for your responses yesterday. It helps to think things through.