Friday, November 13, 2009

Hamlet for dummies

Went to La.w in Hamlet last night. I was told by friends that have already seen it not to expect too much. It was kinda good. They took a few liberties with the script but on the whole Mr Jud.e was very watchable. It was like Hamlet for dummies.

Ophelia was totally crap though. Holy hell in a hand basket make her stop!!!! She sang the madness songs like she was in a ancient version of Re.nt and her idea of madness is wide eyes and shaking head.

She should inject L.upro.n for a year and then do the frikkin scene. Madness is not wide eyed distraction. It's desperate and all encompassing. It's desire for something so unattainable that you can think of nothing else, speak of nothing else, be nothing else other than this body of desire. Madness is knowing one thing but feeling something completely else. It is looking at the faces of those you love only to wonder why you love them, why you chose them, why they love you if you cannot keep life alive in you. Madness is paying for all the treatments even after you promised yourself once was enough. Madness is the addiction to treatment. Madness is the bills, piling up and straining every resource you have. Madness is holding your stomach and imagining for only a second that all is possible only to realise that there is no child in your body, no life to protect that is not your own.

Madness is success, hearing the heartbeat and feeling the life whilst everyday struggling to protect your thoughts from the deepest fears of loss felt all too often, pain felt with regular normality and depression so profound that breathing is a choice.

Would I prefer to be the mom of the first pregnancy I had. Yes. But I am not. I miscarried and many time again. So, this IF journey has made me mad and through that madness I feel free and strong. Hamlet may be the hero of Shakespeare's play but for the first time in my life I feel that I am the hero of my story. As are you of yours.


  1. Wow - a very powerful post. You describe madness to a perfect 'T'. We will be successful, my friend. It's just a matter of persistence, I believe. Thinking of you today...

  2. EB -- I love this post. You really nailed what it feels like.

    I also found Ophelia incredibly annoying. I seriously had to be restrained from shouting "throw yourself in the damned river already"

  3. holy crap EB, what an amazing post.
    I am not sure I have ever read anything more exact (and beautifully rendered) about this particular madness. Incredible.

    Thank you for writing and sharing and for coming to the place where you realize (at least in this moment) your own heroism.

    with love,

  4. Well said - describing the madness. I'm so sorry that you've had to experience this madness so profoundly that you are able to write about it so beautifully, tragically and elegantly. Once you do feel your baby inside of you, when your hand is there and you feel a little kick against your fingers, when you hold the baby clothes and know your baby will soon be wearing them, I promise that the joy will sweep over you with all the intensity and strength with which the madness once gripped you.

  5. Wow - this sounds like an episode from "Slings & Arrows" - the BEST show should totally get season one (at least, there are 3 seasons and I swear you will be addicted after the first one) for when you are laying around after transfer! It is set in Canada in a Shakesphere Festival town, and is about all the actors/management - the first season they are doing Hamlet with a US movie star in the leading role (sound familiar?) and a WRETCHED Ophelia who is the niece of a board director...hilarious. I can't even do it justice, it is great.

    Excited things seem to be lining up for you!!