Monday, December 7, 2009


voice. I have one. I always get a sore throat on Estrodial and I think with all the singing and now all powerpoint presenting I have strained my vocal chords. I love the sound of my voice like this - all smoky and cool. I sound like a rock star in the morning!!

I am in a state of pre-expressive anxiety. In other words... i am anxious and nervous and excited about the upcoming DE-ing. In reading others in my position we are all in the same boat. We have all traveled as far as we can and this is it. The cliff edge. Of course I have the two frosties which feels like something of a safety net. I was totally reckless yesterday and googled maternity wear for work. I did that last time too. Then I panicked and tried to 'undo' my tempting of fate. Look how superstitious I have become. Its hilarious.

If I don't get pregnant I am going to finish my weight loss and get fit. I am so freakin' flabby and bloated right now. I asked DH for yoga lessons for Christmas and I shall add pilates and a personal trainer. Then I shall join my hiking club and get my ass back on the path.

I used to be afraid to lose weight, get fit etc. I would try for a while then quit and regain it all and then some. I have maintained my weight loss for about 2 months now, even on the huge amounts of estrogen or whatever it is I am on. I still have a ton of weight to lose tho. I would like to shed this old version of myself. I feel like the real me is hidden underneath all this flab. The layers of fat are excuses, reasons I make up to stop me from pursuing something I truly want. I was so afraid of failing that I ate myself into a standstill. After this year, I have no fear of failure anymore. I have no fear of feeling bad, sad or grieved over a loss.


  1. happy to hear you have dates and holy shit they are coming up quickly, like this week! That is awesome. Crossing my fingers for you. Enjoy your SF trip once more.

  2. I know how you feel - like you've been standing still all this time and the 'real you' is under all that extra weight. I am SO with you. But you are on the road to pregnancy, so hopefully your weight loss can wait a little longer. I'm so hopeful for you this cycle - I really, really hope this works out for you and DH. much love, Kara's Mom

  3. So that's why my throat is dry?! I never knew!
    The husky sounds cool and sexy though. I hear you on the weight issues and I am right with you. I have this fantasy that i'll be one of those moms who drops her kid off at the YMCA nursery and works out every morning and then has a happy and productive day cooking healthy food and chatting with other moms! Twould be nice though...
    I am excited for you as the DE cycle continues. How is the donor doing? Are you getting updates? it's great to have a schedule finally. I am keeping up hope for you:) ((HUGS for HUGGIES!!!))

  4. You sound very focused and optimistic. Good for you, you deserve it. I love that you seem to have a plan whether or not this DE works. It allows you to remain in control no matter what. And remember, DH is always there to lean on. Bravo for maintaining your weight, those drugs can be a bugger!