husky

voice. I have one. I always get a sore throat on Estrodial and I think with all the singing and now all powerpoint presenting I have strained my vocal chords. I love the sound of my voice like this - all smoky and cool. I sound like a rock star in the morning!!

I am in a state of pre-expressive anxiety. In other words... i am anxious and nervous and excited about the upcoming DE-ing. In reading others in my position we are all in the same boat. We have all traveled as far as we can and this is it. The cliff edge. Of course I have the two frosties which feels like something of a safety net. I was totally reckless yesterday and googled maternity wear for work. I did that last time too. Then I panicked and tried to 'undo' my tempting of fate. Look how superstitious I have become. Its hilarious.

If I don't get pregnant I am going to finish my weight loss and get fit. I am so freakin' flabby and bloated right now. I asked DH for yoga lessons for Christmas and I shall add pilates and a personal trainer. Then I shall join my hiking club and get my ass back on the path.

I used to be afraid to lose weight, get fit etc. I would try for a while then quit and regain it all and then some. I have maintained my weight loss for about 2 months now, even on the huge amounts of estrogen or whatever it is I am on. I still have a ton of weight to lose tho. I would like to shed this old version of myself. I feel like the real me is hidden underneath all this flab. The layers of fat are excuses, reasons I make up to stop me from pursuing something I truly want. I was so afraid of failing that I ate myself into a standstill. After this year, I have no fear of failure anymore. I have no fear of feeling bad, sad or grieved over a loss.