I have read many accounts of the DE process and the majority of them write to the feeling of ease, of being disconnected from the process. Perhaps if I hadn't felt so ill last week and so crap this week I may have felt disconnected but for me, this DE cycle has been and still is a high pressure situation. I feel it more as an ultimatum than as part of the process.
My heart races when I think of the beta. I am constantly in two minds about POAS before the beta - and i mean constantly. Yes, no, yes, no. DH doesn't want me to. He wants us to enjoy PUPO for as long as we can. But how will my heart keep beating if it is another negative delivered by the medics? If it's a negative I will have past some invisible line. I will have past through the eye of a needle. I will be on the other side of something. I, the me that writes this now, will no longer exist. I'm not sure who I will be but I will have to shed my current identity of a childless mother. I can't carry the load anymore. I have never held my child or seen my child or smelt or kissed my child and yet I mourn for my child. If we don't succeed then I shall ask my husband to make the next step. Whatever that step is. I don't have it in me.
But first I will get through this next week.