Sunday, September 20, 2009

One week down

We made it through a week. A hellish week it was. So this time next week our Donor may have been through retrieval. My Husband may have done his duties and we may be talking fert reports.

I have read many accounts of the DE process and the majority of them write to the feeling of ease, of being disconnected from the process. Perhaps if I hadn't felt so ill last week and so crap this week I may have felt disconnected but for me, this DE cycle has been and still is a high pressure situation. I feel it more as an ultimatum than as part of the process.

My heart races when I think of the beta. I am constantly in two minds about POAS before the beta - and i mean constantly. Yes, no, yes, no. DH doesn't want me to. He wants us to enjoy PUPO for as long as we can. But how will my heart keep beating if it is another negative delivered by the medics? If it's a negative I will have past some invisible line. I will have past through the eye of a needle. I will be on the other side of something. I, the me that writes this now, will no longer exist. I'm not sure who I will be but I will have to shed my current identity of a childless mother. I can't carry the load anymore. I have never held my child or seen my child or smelt or kissed my child and yet I mourn for my child. If we don't succeed then I shall ask my husband to make the next step. Whatever that step is. I don't have it in me.

But first I will get through this next week.


  1. One day at a time. Try to take it as it comes. DH will be there for you, ready to take the next step, if necessary. Until then, just relax and try to think positive thoughts. Let's pray and cross our fingers and send lots of sticky baby dust so that this donor cycle works!

  2. I am so hopeful that this is it for you. Try to relax. I know the stakes are so high it's easier said that done. *hugs*

  3. Well, here's to a better, easier, quicker second week. Nobody can know for sure whether this DE cycle will work or not, but there is EVERY REASON in the world to think and believe that IT WILL. You've just had too much time...too many weeks and too many shots of think about it. When the time comes, you'll know whether you want to POAS or not. Just don't sell this cycle, your strength or the future down the river yet! How will you ever enjoy PUPO if spend your time worrying it didn't work? Pace yourself...once you ARE pregnant, there will still be lots more worrying to do! Trust me. :) Seriously, though, try to hang on. We're here.

  4. I know it is easier said than done but you have to take it one day at a time. I 100% agree with Kara's Mom. It is so hard when you are just starting out and your mind is already reeling to the beta day. BWUB is right too, you have every reason to believe this will work. Keep thinking good thoughts- despite where your head will go.

  5. I'm sending you many peaceful and positive thoughts for a great pregnancy, day by day.(hugs)

  6. Such great comments from the others-- I can only say that I am thinking about you and yes, this cycle has been really intense so far- nothing separate/distant about it. So next week! I wish you all the best each step of the way. I hope this brings you your dream so there is no need for a next step after this. I just want this to work. THinking of you and sending love,