Fert report - updated

I asked CornL to clarify

We got 11 of our donors eggs (shared cycle). 3 were immature and 5 fertilized. They are not disappointed with this number although the nurse said the immaturity rate is a little high but it's a fluke, it happens. Am I disappointed? Of course! I dreamt of 10 eggs, which we might have got if the immaturity rate wasn't so high. But I expected that we would be the unlucky 2% that get none so this is a happy compromise! Also, my DH sperm is really crappy with low count, bad morphology, lots of debris, slow etc. So we were expecting to get told that we had 11 eggs and none fertilized.

we transfer 2 and, hopefully, keep 3.

Trying not to be the kid that gets the pony for Christmas only to cry coz it's not the color she wants. I get to have eggs to implant which makes me very, very lucky.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Written whilst waiting for FERT report: My heart is racing. It 10.47am and the hospital said they will call between 11-12am. I am thinking all sorts of things. Corn-L made it clear that we were not to expect anything to freeze. Apparently they have a high standard, yada yada. This, of course, makes the FERT report even more anxiety laden. I imagine couples are getting calls with 'hey, your donor had 20395205 eggs and they all fertilized' but for us, I am expecting 'so, it wasn't what we hoped for ..."

It's now 11.05am.

it's now 1130am

THEY CALLED

She had 11 eggs.

3 were immature (sounds high to me but whatever) and ....

... I have forgotten the rest! Seriously! I have forgotten what the nurse said. All I know is that we have more than 2 and either 5 more or 3 more. I emailed my nurse for her to tell me the news again!

Anyhow - we have 2 to transfer on Friday or Sunday and probably some frosties!! PHEW.

Retrieval Day

So this is it. Retrieval. One big ass milestone day. DH went in this morning and did his manly duty!! How ironic that through all of this work and emotion the actual physical contribution from our manly men is to jack off. Oh yes, and tirelessly support his chemically induced 'mad as cheese' wife.

We won't get the FERT report until tomorrow - they wait to see how many eggs do the dance of joy with my husbands sperm. Please let us get at least 2. Please.

Then Thursday I go in for b/w and we hear whether it's a 3 day (Friday) or 5 day (Sunday) transfer. I am shaking right now, shaking as I write those words. Transfer.

We had couples therapy last night. This is something we have done since we met, way before we got married. Neither one of us has family - his died and mine are not capable of grown up support, so we decided that the therapy would be vital for long term happiness. An impartial and trained ear. It has worked wonders.

Anyway, last night, we were explaining what happens this week and after. I asked DH if he wanted me to NOT POAS and why. He explained that PUPO was better emotionally for us as a couple and, in his opinion, my body. All the stress of 'not yet' or 'oh no' etc would flood my body with chemicals (he has a chemistry degree). His biggest reason was that after all the work we have both been through (ahem) he wanted to enjoy PUPO for as long as we can. The pregnancy test is scheduled for October 12th. I'm no maths whiz but I worked out that is 10 days from Sunday. 10 DAYS!!!!

I promised DH I would not POAS. I will keep my promise even though it means I have to rethink my approach to the next two weeks. I am a sticker for keeping promises. I want my husband to know that even though I have all the opportunity in the world to 'cheat' I will not. Even though it would satisfy an urge the size of America! The other cycles I ignored his request. Now, I will not. I will not POAS in secret.

So, my dearest friends (and that is indeed how I see you sage women) thank you for everything over this past cycle. I know the mountain of work has yet to come but you have supported me unconditionally for the past 4 weeks with generosity and affection. This cycle was far harder emotionally and chemically than any of the others and without you I would have done an Ophelia. I am forever, in your debt.

Laughable - update....

As of now - I AM OFF LUPRON. I MADE IT. New York Marathon -ha! I laugh in your face - try four weeks of high dosage pee.

YEeehahhahahahhahhahaaa!

_________________

Oh they never disappoint.

Get to hospital at 6.30am. The private side is closed. OK. The public side is open and I wonder over.

"Hi. Donor Embryo blood" I whisper from behind my big dark glasses and trench coat. She looks at me with such a sublime blank look. She slips her gaze to the electronic signing in machine. OK, I think. Not so sure this is right but hey..!

"where do I sit"

she slips her eyes to the general waiting area.

She has NO CLUE what I am talking about. NONE. I do sit for a moment then walk to the special doors - the doors that hide the nursing staff and have a mythical force that stops the patients walking through. Somewhere inside me I hear a voice "they are incompetent... don't trust them".

With the voice in my ears I push through the double doors and the piano player stops playing, the chatter hushes and all eyes turned to me.

"Hi, donor embryo blood?"

No movement, not a hair. 12 nurses or staff or whatever all blankly looking at me. reminds me of a herd of sheep when you ask them directions to a village.

"My donor triggered last night"

Ahhhhh, recognition spread across their faces.

"follow me dear" says a very odd looking nurse. She looks at her desk, flips through a mound of paper, hands me a set of written instructions and I go to get my b/w and u/s done. All is well, by the way.

I mean could it be less of a show do you think? I know there was three other couples waiting in the public room!! All they needed to do was to say - go to the waiting room, tell a nurse you are in the donor program and we will do the rest.

Jill asked me if I was going to write a letter to my donor. I don't know. I am in two minds. Not sure if she would get it or if the hospital discourages it. More importantly I have no idea what I would write. 'Thank you' of course. But what else?? Does she want to hear from me? Is the letter really a way of processing this all? What do you guys think?

Hearing the quiet - Donor update

update: Cl called. Donor is triggering tonight. I go in tomorrow am at 645am (dear lord that's early) and go to the private' section (you mean the other end of the waiting room) and say 'embryo blood' to the receptionist.

exited and still peaceful. I am liking this, liking it a lot.

___________________________________________________________________

Since I didn't sleep last night (cough cough cough) DH decided it was a good day for me to do NADA. I concur.

By 9am I had cleaned and tidied the apartment and DH was at work. I was looking for things to do when I realised that I wasn't supposed to be 'doing'.

I made the bed and opened up the windows so I could hear the rain . The cats came wondering in a few minutes later. Fat cat jumped on the bed and inelegantly flumped down. Thin cat circled the soft rug a few times and gently folded himself into a sleeping ball, with one paw over his nose and eyes.

I had read somewhere that black coffee helps a cough so I made one small cup of glorious blue door coffee and went back to our bedroom to sit back on the bed. Our apartment is in the middle of NYC. Our bedroom could be in the middle of the countryside. All I heard all morning was the Church Bells (which remind me of my home country) and the occasional pigeon landing on the window ledges.

Fat cat snored and flipped upside down. Thin cat yowled in his sleep. Bells sang gently to me and the rain encouraged me to sit tight and enjoy my book.

I haven't felt this peaceful for a very long time. I imagined myself 12 months from now, with a baby basket on the bed, tired from no sleep but enjoying the silence too much to take a nap. Fear emerged, nagging me with premonitions of failure but I tried to pay it no mind. It's true, it hasn't happened yet and might not happen this time but it's also equally true that it might happen. I have found a place inside me that is free from the guilt of infertility. Free from the shame of 'not being able'. It's not happiness or utopia. I am balanced with the work I have done and the work I want to be able to do. It's a very simple place that is very hard to find.

Wait weight

Up 2 pounds this week, which given that I have been stuffing my face ain't so bad. At one point this week I was up 9 pounds but the next morning I went back down again. These drugs are weird man.

Cold is moving through nicely. I now have a super annoying cough and keep falling asleep. In fact, most of our household seems to be asleep at various points during today.

No word from Corn.ell yet. Nail biting time, this waiting. I have decided to take my original time off work (3 days) PLUS 2 more - oh yes, I am a rebel with a cause. Wonder how our Donor is doing? That poor kid has many follies (i hope) over 13. I can't imagine how much pain she is in. Or how emotionally unstable she is! All that estrogen.

I think it's time for a cup of tea and some honey for my cough. Have a great weekend y'all.

post 200

200 posts. you all know what I am thinking so I need not write it.

home. drinking soup and vitamin c. Gone through two boxes of tissues already. I so don't mind. Get it all out. Toxins and all. I will be supercharged for my embies next week.

NEXT WEEK

Here's a silly question. Hopefully we have a5 day transfer - does that mean its only a 1 ww??

one day closer ...

Super coordinator is back from wherever she went for a few weeks - worse luck. She has already confused everyone twice today! However, we finally got all the information and our donor is at 13 so she has 2 or 3 days of stim left. My E2 is 256 (thank you very much) and we are all good to go. I stay on EL, 4 patches and a pill till further notice but the end is very much in sight.

I am still in the throws of a really bad head cold but the way I see it - its my body's way of preparing me. I don't fancy coffee so I went cold turkey a few days ago (had the headache anyway) have been eating like a trouper - spelt whole wheat bread with manuka honey, roasted veggies and above all - yummy soups. I left work at lunch time today (went to acupuncture) and shall take the rest of the week off - ok, it's only one day but it is still a restful day!

I am preparing to have some healthy little embies in me so they/it can grow into healthy little kid/s.

Now, where is that remote control???

a dup of dea

that's a 'cup of tea' in cold language! aaaahhhhhchoooooo!

I am sitting at my desk wondering if I can bugger off home early this afternoon. Getting up early for Corn.ell will be brutal tomorrow but worth it since I will get the lowdown on the Donor and learn how wonderfully high my E2 is. I know its rising since I can barely stay awake. Yesterday I passed out for 30 mins - deep sleep - mid afternoon !! If I go home this afternoon, I shall lay on the bed and watch British TV with an ENORMOUS cup of decaf tea. OH JOY UNBOUNDED.

I think the donor will be in retrieval Sat or Sunday. Wow. Oh my oh my oh my we are so close. She would trigger on Friday if she goes to retrieval at the weekend - donors at C trigger 36 hours before the retrieval. Dh is a little stressed by the whole thing although he is hiding it really well. He is kind, compassionate and attentive. In short, he is being an amazing husband. I am just so lucky that we are together.

Choir. I love going to choir. I have a little group of friends who are just adorable. I can sing quite well these days and whilst the music is very hard I am keeping my head above water. Still deciding on the audition for solo's. What if I actually get it! Here's what I am thinking. Adrenalin is not good for pregnancy. I will have tons of it if I am doing the solo. Just made up my mind. No solo for me this year. I think I just reframed my cowardice!

Rougher than a badger arse

I have a damn cold. inevitable since DH had a cold last week. It's not a bad one but I am throwing Vit C down my neck like it's going out of fashion.

My E2 is ...drum roll please ... 160 (from 99 last week). Looking good. So Donor will be ready to retrieve this weekend (probably Sunday). We get an update this Thursday on her development but it looks like all is well. Oh who am I kidding. I have no idea of knowing what is going on!

So, EL till at least Friday, 4 patches and a pill.

and a partridge in a pear tree....

Snap out of it!

Yes, I kicked myself firmly up the butt today. Chemicals be damned. We will have a family one way or another and hopefully it's this way. I am luck to be able to do this so shut up EB.

It's Monday. Oh joy unbounded. I got to my desk and the mountain of work and politics is a already starting to obscure the natural daylight (and still I find time to post!). Here's the game plan : head down, smile on, eye's straight and commence the low level barely audible threatening growl.

Went in the b/w this am. Last E2 count was 99 (haven't hear the word ultrasound for a week now) so we shall see what the pills and increase in patches has done. Donor is in week 2. WEEK 2!! Which means she is soon to be in the o/r for us.

I was thinking my way out of my chemically induced funk yesterday and I concentrated on our Donor. What a cool kid. I mean this kid is going through all the shots and the pain and hospital visits for me. Yes, she is being paid and if this was her first time I would be less inclined to admire her. But she has already given her brother twins and one other couple (to my knowledge) babies. She believes in this process as not just as a way to pay her way but as a gift, a true donation to my husband and I. How cool is that.

Whatever happens - Thank You Donor chick.

One week down

We made it through a week. A hellish week it was. So this time next week our Donor may have been through retrieval. My Husband may have done his duties and we may be talking fert reports.

I have read many accounts of the DE process and the majority of them write to the feeling of ease, of being disconnected from the process. Perhaps if I hadn't felt so ill last week and so crap this week I may have felt disconnected but for me, this DE cycle has been and still is a high pressure situation. I feel it more as an ultimatum than as part of the process.

My heart races when I think of the beta. I am constantly in two minds about POAS before the beta - and i mean constantly. Yes, no, yes, no. DH doesn't want me to. He wants us to enjoy PUPO for as long as we can. But how will my heart keep beating if it is another negative delivered by the medics? If it's a negative I will have past some invisible line. I will have past through the eye of a needle. I will be on the other side of something. I, the me that writes this now, will no longer exist. I'm not sure who I will be but I will have to shed my current identity of a childless mother. I can't carry the load anymore. I have never held my child or seen my child or smelt or kissed my child and yet I mourn for my child. If we don't succeed then I shall ask my husband to make the next step. Whatever that step is. I don't have it in me.

But first I will get through this next week.

weigh in

-0.6 pounds. However, I have lost body mass so I am forgetting the numbers till I'm off meds. My WW leader wants me to not look at the weigh in results for the next three weeks. I understand why. She is trying to teach me to trust my body. Well, honey bunch, I don't.

Today is a wonderful fall day. Its sunny, a little chilly but not cold at all. I slept for 9 hours last night and had real coffee this morning. Bloody wonderful.

Have a great weekend everyone. WEEKEND!! WHOOP

Gooooooood morning

Hello there friends. I am on three patches, one pill of estra,ce and feeling great!! Ahhhh the wonders of our chemical friends. I also had fabo acupuncture yesterday and that always helps. Still have to do the x2 injections but the estrogen has balanced most of the depression.

I spoke with a nurse from Dr C's office yesterday. The donor is doing very well. Before we celebrate I guess I should confess my scepticism of the hospital reporting system. Yet, no bad news is good news so we can do a little 'Yay!' for that.

And it is Friday. Yeeeeehhhaaaa!!!!!!!! I am so excited about eating tomorrow. We have planned a day of BBQ and Lasagna. Oh yes, women of the world, a double header of unhealthy goodies. And I shall eat them even if I have gained weight coz I know I have lost body mass. I am bloated like a puffer fish but I am know that's Lup.ron. Food glorious fooooooood.

And on another tangent (how much of that good coffee did I drink this am) the really noisy guy that sits down the hall from me and yells, screams, laughs and usually at the top of his lungs had the cahooners to ask my staff to quiet down!!!! I mean shit man, have you any idea the whole heap of pain you have just opened up on yourself. I am going to really enjoy crushing this guy. Where's the EL - I should do a shot before I go in! Ah blood sports.

Have a great Friday one and all.

Fighting back through chemicals

Not that I advocate self medication but damn the double dose of antidepressants I took last night have done the job!! My poor staff - I'm like Jekyll and Hyde! I have another 9 hours of meetings today and some are double booked (time machine anyone) so my tune may be a little less chipper by the end of the day.

So today, after reading all your wonderful posts, I am much happier. Thank you so much. I do adore reading your words. You are all so damn wonderful. I can see the sun shining through the clouds at the peak of this lovely mountain. Just stopped for a snack. OK, stop thinking about food EB.

DH was odd last night. Think he was amorous but, hey, sorry buddy, not when I am feeling like this. He was sneezing alot too. the first IVF we did he had a temp of over 100 on the day of the retrieval. He better not be sick now or I will kill him!

We are nearly through the first week. Not bad. Another one to go till Donor gets the eggs sucked out of her. My eggs. My gametes to be more accurate.

Sprogblogger is in pain . Please go over and support her.

I want my life back

I am sick of being this Lu.pron filled nutcase. Everyone has noticed it at work (and here I was thinking how well I was doing) and last night I had another breakdown. Stupid little problem at work and it ruined my night. Barely slept. DH was amazing again but I am filled with guilt at him having to deal with such a needy partner.

Another trip to Cornel.l tomorrow and I really hope that I get taken off the L.upron. You know when you go for a hike and you are tired at the start of it, the hills look enormous and you are convinced you can't take another step. Well, yes, that's where I am.

I am desperate for bad foods - however - I shall go and get a cup of tea and a salad for lunch. Or, chocolate cake with chocolate ice cream and chocolate sauce. Salad it is then.

I must snap out of this damn funk.

Choir started last night. There are some solo's up for grabs but I think I have enough stress right now!

OK here is a lovely thing. Over the long weekend DH and I went to coney island. we went to the fair there and DH won a little plush toy dog for me. It's soft and cheap and cute. Whenever I am in a funk (ahem, today) I hold it and think of him.

Just in time

2 patches make all the world of difference. I am much more balanced and less ferocious. And it is just in time since i have to sit in long ass meetings with people I don't like for the rest of the month. Lucky for those slobs I will not eat their liver with some nice fava beans.

OK coffee addiction. Yesterday I was given some Blue Door coffee beans from SF. The best tasting coffee this side of heaven. So of course, I made a pot this morning but I only had 1 cup (1 very large cup) which is fine. I decided to have my one cup since I am not growing eggs and see what happens post transfer. I mean, hell. I don't drink, smoke, I diet and I am on evil drugs. Give me a break (and I have just flicked balsamic salad dressing in my eye coz I am typing and eating at the same time). In the back of my mind, underneath the old boxes of photo's and video's I hear a little voice saying - if you don't give up the coffee completely we will not let you get pregnant. I am crazy.

My next Cornel.l visit is Thursday and maybe they will tell me to go to 1 injection. I glorious tiny teeny injection?? Oh a girl can dream.

This time next month I might have a bun in the oven. Or a tiny microscopic bean, really. I am very excited about the last 100 yards. I am excited because although we didn't wait nearly as long as some others we are ready, oh so ready, for this to work.

Morning Monday UPDATE!!

YES!!! My Donor starts stimming today for a 10 day stim. Which means we are even closer than I thought. maybe the 29th September ( 5 day transfer).

WHOOP YEAH!

2 patches and 2 injections (I can take it!)

_________________________________________________________

-It is hard getting up really early on a Monday, isn't it. So my lining is at 10 ish even on 40cc of EL. I have three or so humongous follies on the right (e2 low so no eggs in that basket). I await further instructions but I am praying they say come down on the EL. I have started taking an anti-anxiety drug coz my anxiety levels on this stuff go through the roof.

I was chatting to my therapist this am and she was talking about how to get your kids into a good high school in NYC. A little premature - non?? And as for quitting coffee today. Well, lets just say tomorrow would be better ;-)

BIG NEWS

So my donor starts stimming today. YIPEE. At least that is plan. Maybe I shouldn't rejoice until I know for sure. Ya.

OK

Not Big News yet.

keep your fingers crossed.

Lazy Sunday mornings

Still in my PJ's reading the NYT and drinking decaf coffee. Cat on one side, snuggling as close as she can get and a breeze coming in.... ahhhhhhhhh.

I had a total breakdown last night. I felt all wound up, over tired etc. Got back from the movies around 10 and went to the kitchen and inadvertently stepped on little cat's foot (male cat). His scream made me freeze (on his foot) instead of jumping off it.

I calmly walked after him, into the bedroom. He hid away from me. Miss kitty came running in to make sure he was OK and they sat there, looking at me. I lay on the floor and avoided eye contact and just started bawling. Of course the event had upset me but it was all my pent up frustration, fear and anxiety just bubbling over. DH panicked a bit, thinking I was sinking into a fugue! I had a long hard cry and felt much better.

I have noted that the evenings are really hard on 40 cc's of EL. Much harder than any of the other cycles. Hopefully they will tell me to reduce it after my clinic visit tomorrow.

This morning I got up a little late to do the morning injection and felt totally pooped. Went straight back to bed. I think I need to take the next couple of weeks as easy as I can (ha!). So far I haven't managed to get to the gym. The idea of exercising with all the bone ache I have is not appealing. Maybe I should go swimming instead. I could even fit it in at lunchtimes.

Hope you all have a happy and relaxing Sunday.

Hot flashes and hair loss

I must have lost half my head of hair on EL. And it gives me hot flashes too.

So, weigh in day +1 pound. I am not too bothered to be honest. On 40 cc EL I expected more. As long as next week I am at or lower than today's weight = all good.

The preparation plan for next week is

1. stop off coffee completely. As you know, this is torture for me but has to be done. So I will go to a decaf middle size for 5 days. Then small for 5 days. Then every other day etc. Ah coffee. I am so sorry my old friend.

2. Increase veggie intake. I have noticed that I am not eating enough veggie's these days. I am sick of salad so I need to find something else. I adore roasted veggies so maybe that is the next one.

3. Water. I used to be diligent about drinking water and then all of a sudden I stopped.

4. Walking workouts. I will try to get to the gym for a walk. This is hard since my day starts really early and ends really late this week.

Excited about the less than 3 weeks scenario.

Patches and thoughts

Elizabeth (http://liam411.blogspot.com) is lovely. Her words of support have meant so much to me over the past year. She always says just the right thing. She and her husband are having a tough time. Please go over and give her hug.

So...... Cornel.l called yesterday. They managed to get their act together and cross compare my IVF cycles and have amazingly noticed that I have a thick lining. I always have had a thick lining. Through all 6 cycles, I have had a 7 - 22 lining.

Now, two things ...

1. they are doing that now? How about when I did my mock? how about when I mentioned it to them a few weeks back? How about not scaring the crap out of us with words like 'cancel' and 'too thick'

2. WTF???!!!!

So, as of yesterday I am on one patch and two injections. One patch of estrogen (hello lover) every other day and two 20cc of l.upron. I already feel better. Tired, achy, spotty, dizzy and oh so hungry but much better :-) Does that mean we are on our way ??

YES !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

we are 3 weeks away from transfer. Ohhhh joy. 3 weeks from a 5 day transfer. less than 3 weeks from a 3 day transfer. I will be PUPO in 3 weeks. I will be in bed, watching funny DVD's and English TV eating pineapple core. bliss.

And Miss kitty. Full recovery, bandage came off this morning. For the first time in months she is naked and loving it. All purring and grooming. She was exhausted yesterday after the surgery - fell asleep on the bed and didn't move for 12 hours. Today she is up and hungry and all over us and her brother. You can not even guess how big a smile I have on my face right now!!

Happy Friday everyone. Thanks for you support this week

EL hell & follies galore

Ya, it's bad. Painful, actually. My body is swollen -puffed up like a puffer fish. This morning I couldn't get the damn needle in! Had the actually stab myself. Nice way to start a day. I feel like I am swimming through water and the hunger... oh man. I am sticking to my regular food routine coz it's the only way to navigate the food cravings.

This morning an unknown doctor stuffed the cam up me and proclaimed "wow look at that".

Normally I would have bolted up, shown interest and engaged the knowledge man. This morning however I sighed and said "wha?"

My left ovary is suppressed. My right ovary, however, has blown up like a balloon. Tons of follies and large ones at that. Oh the irony.

"looks like you are sensitive to the medication"

No shit sherlock!

When I left the exam room he was showing the results to another nameless medicine man and they both looked confused and excited. Not something that filled me with calm. I await instructions but need to get more Lupron. I have 2 needles left. That means I have been taking this shit for over 3 weeks now.

On the life is good side of the list: My RE doc phoned me yesterday and assured me all was well, not a problem, not thinking of canceling and didn't know why the nurse would suggest that. She was lovely - attentive, calm, informative and strategic. I am pleased she's my doc.

AND... my cat got a clean bill of health. She is cured. YIPEEEE. As I write she is having her tube removed. Oh my little one is fine. HUGE relief. Hopefully she will be off meds too.

40cc's baby - BRING IT!

Well, my head feels like there is someone with a razor blade slowly slicing my brain off. But if it means I can go to transfer I will take it.

DH and I discussed the consolation prize vacation (what happens if the cycle doesn't work) and DH told me he doesn't think he can get the time off. This translates to, I want to keep my time off for the trips I want to take for my photography. He also said he would 'send me' on holiday. Two things makes me laugh about this. I would be paying for said holiday and big whoop.

So, where to go and what to do solo. Never had a problem with solo travel but I think this is not going to be that kind of vacation. It will be an emotional vacation. I was thinking of going to a spa, somewhere hot. Or sunny at least (I ought to go to the UK to see my folks but that is not a healthy get away). I could learn to surf. I could go to a women's only learning to surf for old people class on the other coast somewhere (that's you K and BWUB). Or go to a ranch. I love horses and riding and all that equestrian stuff. I also think being around animals will be healing. I know, I'm a hippy.

I shall think about it at some other time. Like never, coz THIS CYCLE WILL BE THE ONE

This afternoon - cat goes for a check up at the vets. I hope they take the damn tube out since she chewed through the stopper last night. Poor thing has a paperclip on it now!! Think happy thoughts for us.

Part 2.1

Apparently my lining is "going up and down like a yoyo". Nurse thought that was funny.

and ladies... I am now going to be on Evil.L.upron TWICE A DAY.

Has there every been a case of murder by l.upron??

My estrogen is rising, my lining is increasing so they want to super suppress me and try to thin the lining down further. How is this possible? You got me. No idea.

Will I get cancelled? The jury is still out. My donor doesn't start till the 14th which the nurse thought was a good sign.

I am going to give in and go along. All I have to do is get past the next few days with 40cc's of l.upron in my system per day.

Incredible hulk anyone???

My Dr hasn't phoned me back. So I guess she ain't talkin'

Part 1.1 & Part 1.2

Since I shall have to wait for the 2 calls from Cornell today I shall post in parts.

1. got to the clinic and there were no seats left. Now to put this into perspective this is a full quarter floor of a hospital. We were standing in the aisles and sitting on the coffee tables.

Go in for b/w. wait 30 mins to be told I don't need b/w. Have u/s. Told to go have b/w. Arhghghg.

2. Lining is over 8. Sigh. Stopped bleeding so no more shedding going to happen.

Possible outcomes:

a) cancel the cycle

b) double up the lupro.n and continue the cycle. oh. my. god.

c) wait for Dr to call back with another alternative.

I am kinda over all the ambiguity going on. I called my Dr and left the following message

"Hi, this is EB. After a few weeks of u/s and b/w I am getting conflicting information from your staff about whether I am going forward with this cycle. As you can imagine this is frightening and annoying. Would you be so kind as to call me back to clarify? Many thanks"

Polite and yet, to the point.

Now call me back before I rip your fucking head off.

Labor Day

Kind of the IF ironic day, don't ya think!

I ate so much yesterday - damn I was on a roll. chocolate ... mmmmnn. So today is exercise and fiber foods day :-)

I think I am still shedding which is weird and totally great. I am normally very regular. I start on a day and at a time that I mark on a calender. This time I seem to be just rolling along. I am taking that as a good sign. The longer I roll along the more I shed, I guess. Bet this Lup.ron related. Oh yeah. As are the headaches, the short temper, the tiredness and the bone aches.

At least I'm not at work!

Sunny Sunday - update

Lining is still too thick. 6.9. I go in on Tuesday morning for another u/s and if the lining doesn't go under 5 then there is a discussion about this "not being my month".

Not being my month?? I have no idea what that means financially. I have a vague idea what that means emotionally. I do know that it totally fucks up my work schedule.

Can't believe this is happening.

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Good Morning one and all. It's early and sunny and I just had a large coffee from the Belgian bakery. YUM.

So, back to Cornell this am. Dr Z (he did one of my retrievals, hi again DR Z) was surprised I was worried. This would be funny if it wasn't so totally and utterly unfunny. No problem with a thick lining, he told me, the problem is the timing. My donor hasn't started stimming yet. I am at 6.8 or something like that, with an E2 of 34. Low estrogen, thick lining. They are worried that if I estrogen pump my lining will be over the productive phase by the time they implant.

At last, some information that I can use. He is confident I will be going through to transfer, which means sweet FA as far as I am concerned. I shall ask the body on the end of the phone today for the same reassurances. Then I shall leave my request with Dr C for a detailed report on my case.

Question oh internetee wise ones... what effect do the estrogen patches have? I know they raise your e2 levels. But I am wondering if they chemically contradict the effects of Evil Lupr.on? Will I feel less irritable and tired?

How do I feel? Tired. Lower levels of anxiety. I am extremely pleased that the office is closed tomorrow so I can sleep in and then work out. I need to walk and swim, just to feel relaxed. I wonder if my swimming costume fits? I am also getting a sports massage tomorrow since my neck is killing me and my back muscles are so tight.

I am homesick today. I would like to see my crazy family. My Pa.ddington Bear dad in his 200 yr old trousers. My fussy mum with her herbal remedies. My hilarious nephew. My blustery sibling. I would like to see the deep green, rolling hills that I grew up in. I would love to smell the dirt of the country lane. I would love to have some Shepard's Pie, my mum's lasagna (the best in the world) and some English jam cake. And a real cup of tea with English milk. Ah man. The milk here (and please forgive me) sucks. It has sugar and is boiled or something. My ma gets her milk from the farm - fresh from the cow. Oh I am homesick indeed.

Lining update /weigh in

C.ornell phoned yesterday and told me to come back on Sunday for b/w and U/S as my .... lining is still too thick. Hey, yesterday's doctor that keeps telling me all is well and to expect a call instructing me to starts patches... you fu**ing SUCK

I asked the nurse if the thick lining is a problem and this was the exchange

"are you still bleeding?"

"yes"

"then no. I'd be more concerned if you had finished bleeding"

"on Sunday I will have stopped bleeding. What if its still 7-8 ?"

"we might just start you on the patches since your estrogen is so low"

"so low? Is that also a problem?"

"..."

"hello?"

"so, we'll see you on sunday. "

I guess I may find out more next week since I am going to call Dr C directly. Enough monkeys already, lets get the barrel guy. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little worried. Anyone had a DE cycle cancelled due to a thick lining? Or messed up estrogen?

I have to be careful here - thankfully, BWUB will kick my arse if I slip into moaning and groaning mode :-)

BTW K and BWUB: So far my San Fran trip is set for Wednesday - I fly from NY in the am, meetings and diner then back to the airport for the red-eye back. All in coach. fun.

Weigh in week 19

I lost 3.4 pounds. For those paying attention I have gained and lost 3.4 pounds exactly for 3 weeks now. Overall I still lost 30 pounds. I rock. So I have set a goal of losing 4 pounds in 7 weeks. I know I am not supposed to be actively dieting but since I eat organic, full fat food I can't see how this would be bad for me or the proposed embie.

And it is 'Lose for Good' for the next 7 weeks. For every pound I lose WW will donate 1 pound of food. cool huh.

In a world where I control nothing and am at the whim of random yoo hoo invading doctors I get to control my healthy intake. I shall also take advantage of the West Win/g on Bravo and walk on the treadmill for a couple of hours in the am. Helps me with the l.upron RAGE

I'm off the the beach now. Coney Island mmmn dirty water and crappy beach but hey! its a train ride away and there is fresh air.

Day On

Back at my modular desk. Frikkin hate modular furniture. In my last office I had a desk that was used by Bobby Kennedy. I was given it by an old politico and it made me tear up when he gave me it and sob when I had to leave it to move into HQ.

Back to Cor.nell this am. Same doc as before (everything looks fine, 5 follies on each side. Ay ay ay) so I read my paper and ignored him. He had Igor the med student with him who said 'hi' to me. I motioned him to stand at my shoulder. I'm paying $20K on top of all the moneys I have given Cor.nell. Learn on someone else buddy. Of course, I wouldn't have had any objections if the doctor had ASKED ME permission for the student to be in the room, as is the patient bill of right states. But hey.

Lining is 7.3 I think. or 7.8. I asked whether a thick lining is a problem for DE transfer 'Oh no' he says. Yeah, OK, why bother even asking. One day I want to sit in the exam room and wait for the Doctor to walk in. Hi, I shall say. I think since you guys have spent an entire year up my yoo hoo with nada to show for it, it's my turn. Drop your trousers. Oh and this is my admin assistant - she needs to learn, now bend over.

WHEN I get preggers from this procedure (thanks for kick up the arse BWUB) I will be totally grateful to get the belly u/s stage. I tell you, there is nothing more effective as a natural birth control as having a wand repeatedly up your yoo hoo at 7 am in the morning for a year. That and injecting the pee of post-menopausal women into your belly. Fun of the game.

Yes, one year. ONE YEAR I have been under their care. So that means two years of treatment. Two pregnancy's no live births. YET. This is the time. This is my time. This is the one. or Two.

;-)

I'll update when Corn.ell calls.

day off

i love 'em and I'm having one today. So far I have had a gently work out at the gym for a couple of hours, had a leisurely shower, ate an apple and just finished a pro biotic yogurt. Feeling all zen in a hellish l.upron way.

I got news yesterday that i might have to go to san fran next week. Fitting in tests is going to be interesting. I may have to do the red eye back. Fly Monday am, do the meeting and fly back on the red eye. Nice.

I have looking into embryo adoption. It seems like such a good idea. It's way cheaper than adoption, way quicker than adoption and has the added advantage of being biologically connected to the baby. It gives me hope. I guess that's the real thing. It gives me hope.

I also went onto shady grove's website. 20K money back guarantee. WTF! That is amazing. Wish C.ornell did that. The nearest clinic is in Washington DC - no way I could make that work. Nice deal tho. Very nice.

Where am I at today? I have a duality going on. I am at once excited and gloomy. Very odd. I guess after so many years of failure I am having a hard time believing I will get and stay pregnant. Natural, logical and kinda getting in my way of having a good time.

Oh c'mon EB. Pick your damn socks up. Each time IS different and each time is special. Stop being so greedy. You get the chance to do this which is more than many people.

And no, you can't have a dog.

Self medication - update

Lining is still too thick (6.2) so we are pushing the whole cycle by a week. Beginning of October is now the transfer date.

Bugger.

Was reassured this is not a problem.

Not reassured.

The blues got so bad that I doubled my SSRI last few nights and I feel much better. I spoke to my pharmcologist about it she said I was such a low dose that doubling it would bring me into the normal treatment range. What a total relief it is to rise out of it. I even slept better last night. I also think DH spending time with me helped. He gave me a leg rub which helped my body relax. He has amazingly relaxing hands.

So U/S check: 6.2 which is fine, or so Doctor said. One strip. "No cycsts or abnormalitites at all." He stuck the wand up my hoo hoo so quickly that I actually jumped. Hey fella - it's not a hot dog bun.

I also paid for the cycle. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTT! Ok deep breath. It's fine. that is why I work in this job and take all the shit. Ok, I don't take it but ought to take it. And ...... breath out... relax. When I get to hold my little one, all clean after a bath and in a fresh romper suit it will all be worth it. I looked up what someone with my BMI should gain during pregnancy - 11 to 20 pounds. I know what everyone is going to say - too little. But, the guidelines are written for those of you with a BMI of >30. For us fatties, we are have to a)not diet and b) not gain too much. Bit of a balancing act for sure but since it is something I have to concentrate on and work through I feel somehow more relaxed. It will be something to take my mind off all the pregnancy worries which I see my fellow bloggies going through. I know this is somewhat premature (no pun intended). But I want to enjoy this whole process as much as possible, even this bit, even the unknown. I want to live in possible rather than living in a well of ambiguity. I want to wag more and bark less. And since I have self medicated myself into a serotonin high it is an easy thing to do!

Joke:Two sperm were swimming through a woman's body.

The first said, "Whew. I'm getting tired. Just how far is it to the uterus?"
"The uterus?" the second laughed. "We're not even past the esophagus yet!"

found on Infertility Humor

ahhh September

As I walked to work today in my new birthday cardigan a cool wind blow and my spirits lifted way up. I love the smell of autumn, the feel of autumn and above all the food of autumn.

Cornel.l called yesterday and the coordinator (different one) told me they were concerned with my thick lining. "Are you still bleeding" she asked. WTF? Look at the chart idiot. "Yes, CD 2 or 3" I go back in tomorrow for another u/s. I looked on line and my lining does not look thick to me at all. And the doctor said everything was fine. So, er. Confused. I'm too pissed off to worry right now.

By the end of the day yesterday I was in a major funk. I think its the Lupro.n but who knows. I know it gives me a bad back and headaches. After a few weeks of pain free it is so weird to be in pain again. How did I manage this for so long? I am going to start gently working out again. Stretching and walking can't be a bad thing. It will help my mood too. Although, all I want to do is curl up and sleep. I want my DH to cuddle me and stroke my hair. He has done his disappearing thing again. Last night we spent 30 mins together and then he went into another room and I finally went to bed. Guess the hormones are tough on everyone, not just the one taking them.

Choir starts in two weeks yippee! We are singing some weird shit but I promised my teacher to audition for a solo part if there was one. I am now hoping with all my will that there is no solo part for my voice!!

Who has good news? Or something to make us all smile? How about a joke??