So.... now what...?

I have a really important meeting today. At 12. With my Chairman. And what am I doing? I am reading blogs and wondering if by tonight I will be on BCP! I have lost my mind.

Still no word from coordinator Melissa. WTF. Am I on Day 1? Or have I messed up the whole damn cycle? Why didn't she tell me that I needed to inform her of this period - it's not like I have been out of her life. I have emailed her nearly every bloody week.

oh crapola. I hate not being in control which we all know is a recipe for disaster for IF.

Here's a question for you. Should I give up coffee? Is decaf OK? Even a decaf venti from StarB? I love coffee and am totally addicted. But I will give it up if I need to. Even the decaf. Here is something that will make you laugh - my warped sense of denial. Every morning I get a big decaf cap with skimmed milk. Oh I am so healthy, I think. Except I ask for an expresso with it!!!! But does that count since I am drinking a really big decaf? It's like eating chocolate with diet coke. They cancel each other out. Right.

I weighted myself this morning. Since I started my weight loss journey I am at 30 pounds. I started weight watchers after losing some weight so my WW book says 24 pounds. But my last IF cycle I weighed myself on the last day. I have done it. 30 pounds. Not that I am going to stop. I still have a LONG way to go and I want the official 30 pounds from Weight W.atchers. But still, thought I would toot my horn for moment.

OK. I have got to read this 79 page presentation I am supposed to presenting today. Work really gets in the way of obsessing about things.

HAPPY FRIDAY ONE AND ALL!!

waiting waiting waiting - UPDATE

From my coordinator...

I am starting to work on dates and I wanted to see if you started

your period yet. Please let me know because I will want to get you

started on birth control pills and it will help me to set the

dates. Please advise.

Have a great day!

Wha?? I just finished my damn period. Is that bad? No-one told me to phone in!! What ever, one step closer. I must say, bitching to the blogiverse seems to get great results at Cornel!

why oh why haven't they called. People are getting pregnant all over the place and here I sit like a freakin' IF wallflower!!

I can't hassle them any more. Just can't. And I could throw myself into work coz ... well that is what they pay me for. But I just want to be pregnant already. I don't want to be in the 2ww. I don't want to be staring at a BFN. I don't want to be thinking about next steps. I want to be thinking about food, morning sickness, baby suits (the best thing EVER is a clean baby in a clean suit).

It looks like 'Cat Crisis 09' has quietened down, at least for a day or two. She is eating like a champ now & we cuddle on the settee all night. Man, it's nice to emerge from the depth of this one. I think I lost my mind a little. We get the next liver tests on Sunday and then three more weeks till the tube comes out.

Maybe in three weeks Cornell will phone, cat will be tube free and I will hit my 30 pounds mark. My new motivation is that there is a ton of really cute maternity wear out there but I would have to be quite a few dress sizes less. So I am starting an endurance training thing - rather than do big weights at the gym, I will be doing lower weights for a long time. It burns more fat and helps metabolism to speed up. Add the yoga for muscle tone and flexibility and there I will be, in my cute autumn maternity outfit.

Please.

Ah a good nights sleep

I'm doing better, thanks for letting me know we are all in the same boat! I will speak with DH about how I feel but not till we are both rested and back to normal

Kitty update: biopsy says she has infected bowel disease so we have added steroids (kitty 'roid rage)to her fountain of drugs. Hey IVF drugs - walk in the park compared to what miss Kitty has to go through. Last night she came out of her seclusion place and we lay on the settee together all evening. I watched Masterpiece Theatre and she slept. Perfection.

I am checking out Krip.alu (i think that's how its spelt) in the Berkshires. It is cheap and I can do a weekend ( a two hr train ride from NYC). It looks like the instructors are really great and as a yoga retreat I would get a weekend of fresh air, quiet and rebalance. I feel I need to get ready for the DE and right now I am way too physically and emotionally stressed. DH could look after kitty and I would pay the nurse to come in each day to give him a break. Alternatively I could hire a friends house on the lake for the weekend. Cheaper, quieter and I can swim in the lake which would please me no end (such a water baby).

Anyhoo - emerging from the crisis (I hope) and trying to sleep as much as I can.

Good luck to all those waiting to see, hear and know.

Crazy weather crazy me

Yesterday I was so tired I ended up getting an anxiety attack at work. It was nr the end of the day so I just left. I made of point of getting to bed early. It's amazing how some people reacted to it though and by some people I mean dh. He had to take the helm and I refused to come out and help him. I took a sleeping pill and went to sleep.

This morning the cats room (she has to be secluded when we're not around) was a total mess. Crap everywhere. He had fed her 1/5 of what he was supposed to and her complicated medical routine wasn't written down so I have no idea what he did (we are supposed to show the doc on Sunday).

WTF

why cant he just do it! Why can't he do the thing, the job, the chore properly? After we spent thousands of dollars on getting her on a positive prognosis he messes with her feeding!!! That is the very thing that can kill her. WTF!!!

And she is a cat. What happens when its kids?

I have a friend who's marriage is dissolving. It started with when their kids were born.

Needless to say, I am worried about all this.

Slow boat to china

that what this DE thing feels like. COME ON ALREADY!! OK got that out of my system. That having been said we are coming up to my all time favourite season - autumn. Maybe waiting till September would be a blessing in disguise? I get to be preggers and where wool! I get to be preggers for Christmas. I get to tell people I am preggers at Christmas which would totally ROCK!

I am feeling anxious today. I suffer from chemical anxiety (ie my serotonin uptake is wacko). It's an easy fix but since I am sleep deprived and my cat's biopsy results still aren't in and it's worrying me hey, guess who has bitten all her nails! I shall walk home for the exercise. I shall eat a healthy meal with my darling and cuddle my cats (who are now going to be totally freaked out by the thunderstorm overhead) and then go to my support group.

So here's what I am thinking. Since I am going through basic training for new born's with this cat thing, it is clear that I need to have some sleep in order to avoid my anxiety ramping up too much. My friend (SMBC) hired a night nurse for two nights a week so she could get a decent sleep at night every so often. I was thinking of doing the same thing (for the baby, not the cat~!). How much do you think that would cost? What are the pro's and con's? What do they actually do?

Red Velvet Cake.

That's what I decided on last night (along with a wedge of lettuce slathered in blue cheese dressing and fries). Oh abandon. Oh decadence. Oh indigestion.

We had diner then went to pick up cat. She looks so much better with that damn tube out of her nose although now she has an enormous tube coming out of her side. I can't do holes where they aren't supposed to be very well so I sat down before I fainted and DH dealt with everything.

She is now sporting a really cute t-shirt (that keeps the tube in place). She is still very sick but she got home and went straight for her paper bag bed (we bought her a lovely sheepskin bed but she prefers the bag from the deli) and started purring. Yes, folks, we have a purry furry once more. I sat with her, she purred even more. We fed her 'gruel' she purred. I fed her this morning and not only was she purring, she fell fast asleep during her feed!!

I am delighted. I think this is going to be all OK. She is totally adorable and whilst we had to spend our vacation money for this year and next, it is worth every penny. (I'll tell you a secret, in her tshirt she feels like a baby - you know, that full soft belly feeling. ohhhhhhh).

On the IF front...

AF arrived this morning. I had very strange symptoms this time around. I wonder if its a reaction to the D&C I had or the hormones I took in the last round? Long time ago though. Maybe its just age and stress. Whatever it was I felt like I was coming down with the flu. Anyone ever get that? I have till 2 to the next feeding, medication etc so I shall try to take a nap, have some vit C and sniff out my m.ydol. At times I really enjoy being on my period: The relief of the symptoms. The defining fact of it all. And then there's the other 90% of the time!!

Last night DH asked how many times we were doing DE. Odd question since we had already decided we could only afford once. He wants only once. I want only once but not for financial reasons.

Happy Sunday all.

It's a new day

It finally feels like summer today. Hot, humid and sunny. Can't believe I am going say this but I actually like it!

So weigh in - another 1.2 pounds. I am 1 pound away from my first goal. I have on a summer dress that I bought ages ago and it fits so nicely now (no idea why I bought a dress that was 3 sizes too small for me but that's another post). I celebrated by going out to brunch with DH and had Eggs Benedict without the sauce. Yes, I love the sauce but I just can't help but think of all the fat in there. Who am I! I shall have something naughty tonight. Maybe an English chocolate bar. maybe a slice of pie. I have been obsessing over pie ever since I saw BWUB amazing pie shots - like food porn!! Ok enough food. Wow, I am nearly 30 pounds lighter. I love this feeling. Think it will help me get preggers? I am doing it for that but mostly coz I want to be a fit and healthy mum. I want to be like the women next door that looks great with 3 small kids, a busy life. She exercises with them and they play all the time. I want to be that mum.

DH has been asked to shoot in Haiti. I know his job takes him to far flung places. But I am sitting here thinking all those medical shots. will the effect his sperm???? I know - obsessed!! I'm not going on this trip (hopefully I will be pregnant) but I will help plan it all, which will be fun. He is going after the DE IVF clearly. I had so much coffee I am typing so fast smoke is coming off the keyboard!

And finally miss kitty is doing well. She has a her stomach tube in and a snazy new tshirt. She is coming home tonight (at 9). I have decided to try and shake the crisis mode I am in. Enough already. I love her, we paid a huge amount of money to help her, she will get better and we have medical care for her four lunchtimes a week till she is fully recovered. I need to catch up on my sleep, get back to regular exercise and re balance my mojo ready for the DE cycle.

Thank you dear friends for supporting me over this very emotional couple of weeks. You made all the difference.

Where can I get good pie in NYC?

Oh by the way ...

Don't you just HATE it when that is how someone tells you they are pregnant. Long email about nothing then.. "oh by the way, guess what... we're pregnant". My friend, who is the same age and who has been trying the same time ... yeah, you guessed it. I'd feel bad for feeling so much envy if I wasn't so consumed by the stuff!

My little kittie had her one week check up. "Mixed bag" as the vet said (which meant 'rotten') Her counts are still elevated, she has a raging temperature and she lost weight. So, she is back in the critical care unit for a night, getting a biopsy done, a long term feeding tube and she will be home either tomorrow or Sunday. The fee's are enormous. ENORMOUS. But the prognosis is long term recovery. Everyone was mooning over her, telling me how cute and lovely she is. Well, yeah. Now fix her.

Came home, had a long cry and now need to clean out her 'hospital room' aka the bathroom (it's a little stinky and I can wash it down). We have had to hire a frikkin' nurse to give her meds and food during the day coz we both work and don't have any vacation or sick time left. This cat is now the most expensive thing in my life. Except DE.

DE

I realized that the Donor and I are on the same 'natural' cycle. That's weird isn't it. Or is it! I wonder if we get offered the donor closest in cycle? nah. that's just silly. I am feeling a bit sad about my friend getting to have her own genetic baby whereas I have to give that option up. I know when I am holding that little lump I will not care in the least. I know the love I will feel (and in some ways feel already) will be pure and whole. So I should just shut the hell up. And my kid will not be plagued by my crappy genes. Weight watchers anyone.

Can you tell I have raging PMS?? It's weigh in day tomorrow and then I am having some seriously naughty food.

Food for thought - UPDATE

Sky mentioned in her comment last night that swe should think about doing a solo DE cycle, not shared. Interestingly I have been pondering about that before Sky brought it up. I know it's more expensive (I asked my coordinator to give me the costs) but in the end isn't a good investment?

Sky also mentioned that she had a friend that had 4 DE cycles and no baby. Wow. That put the shits up me. I know it might not work but I thought it was 65% chance of pregnancy? How can one go through that many 65% chances and not get lucky once? We don't have four chances. We have one.

I am blue. I am overtired (Kitty has to be fed little and lots and its exhausting - she is eating but right now she is hiding from the f**king drilling they are doing on the outside walls) and I have PMS (including the headache, dizziness, mega bloating and sickness - wonderful). This means that my usual upbeat nature is somewhat down-facing-dog today. That having been said - what happens if DE doesn't work. Am I that broken? Am I that unlucky?Am I really not able to have a biological child? Am I really going through all of this for nothing? Why? What did I do? I don't know how much more I have left to lose. I just don't know what is left inside me. I really don't.

Here's what I got from Cornell today

It usually costs approximately $30,000 for a single cycle. The donor should start her period by Monday and I will get the final information on the other recipient after testing on Wednesday and Thursday. You have been so patient and throughout this waiting period and I truly appreciate it. I am anxious to get dates set as well and will do so ASAP.

Have a good weekend,

I will go with the shared cycle since 30K is out of the question and I just have to have faith. My deepest apologies to Sky - she was being her very supportive self and I didn't mean to be accusatory. You guys are my life line, everyone proven to be supportive, brave and empathic.

(kitty just hopped over her bathroom barrier and made a very slow speed escape to the bedroom!)

so many pregnancies

Is it me or is everyone pregnant! Please don't misinterpret my wonder as mean spirit. I get such unchallenged joy reading the postings of our preggybloggers.But, in the middle of the night, when all is quiet, I wondering in my totally IF insane way, if all the good luck has been used up. I know - totally irrational and stupid. I am excited about DE coz the % are great. But I cant help feeling that I am gonna be in the unlucky 45%.

I keep looking at the adoption sites and wondering if my rash decision to hold off filling in the paper work is going to bit me in the ass!! DH wanted to hold off and I agreed in coz I felt so hopeful. And I admit, I want to be pregnant. I didn't have any burning need before I started IVF but now. Well, I do want to be the one growing the little one. I do want to know what it's like.

I guess this is what is meant by hope.

Jumped the gun - update

She is quite bad again today. Limp, hiding in corners. She seems drugged she is so still. I know it can take 3-6 weeks to recover but I feel like I am losing her.

Oh boy. Last week was tough. This week is tough. I am tired, people.

Anyone had a recovering cat at home? Do they sometimes just get really quiet but still recover?

Thank you. I did call after your urging. They asked if she was eating anything. Yes. So she is totally lethargic. yes, except if I wiggle her mouse in front of her, then she slowly lifts her paw to kill it. I just gave her some real food then I added some of the liquid food stuff - too quickly - and she was gave me a preview of baby vomitorium!

The vet will call again tonight but they are "not worried"

OK this is the last post about my cat. This is not a cat blog. It's an IF blog and I am very grateful for your indulgence. Periodic update (hopefully "she's doing better") but that's it.

thanks again.

Why my cat rocks

She is a total fighter. The animal hospital called to check up on her. She's eating off the spoon, I tell them. About 3/4 of a small can. 'Discontinue the force feeding and see what happens'.

This morning I was feeding her off the spoon and she gave me this look .... monkey! I want more! So I put the food in the bowl and whamo - she tucked in. OOOOHHH yeah baby.

Prognosis of full recovery - 90%

YIPEEEEEEEEEEEEE

we still have to get up at 530 am and medicate her through the day but damn, I love her! What a great little one. I think the backside has dried up as well. At least it's not a fountain of yellow loveliness.

So what did my IF side learn from this? I am not sure about having twins!!! My DH and I have to schedule ... everything. Who does what when. He tends to want to give orders. Well, my dear, that don't fly.

And on another note. Yesterday I directed the first reading of a new play. The first time I have directed a play in 10 years. I was a very different person when I was in the theatre. I like what has happened in my life. I like the director I have matured to be. Looks like a little side line of creativity is opening up.

Ahhhhhh, I can relax a little - well, sort of (just did the 2 min mile to get home to medicate kitty and get back to work) and wait for whatever comes next!!

NOthing to do with IF -all cat.

So we are all home. We got her home at 8pm last night. This is my bathroom - covered in pee pads! Yes, the clin.icare food gives her a really bad behind ;- (

As you can see she's still pretty sick. Although she did respond to the little mouse we got her.

She must be force fed and medicated every 6 hours. So midnight and 6am, midday and 6pm. Not sure how this week will work with my office but if it's too stressful I am taking this week off again.

So far, we are exhausted. Cleaning her up is a nightmare as you can expect. But the great news is she ate 1/4 can of food this am .... Yippee!! She is up and about this morning, scratching at the bathroom door (we can't let her out coz of the other cat). She is really wobbly but I am hoping a few days of home care and she will be much better.

DH - knee deep in runny smelly yellow poo at 5.45 am this morning, grinned and said - lets think of this as a dry run. Yeah. Good idea. Excuse me.... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I told my mum what was going on and she said "hey you guys were not that difficult. You slept through the night at about 2 weeks. This is more stressful than the baby idea coz she's sick. Now a sick baby, yeah, stressful."

You listening Kitty?? Your monkey mama here was a quick learner. Catch up will ya.

So now, here I sit in my lovely smelly bathroom, blogging. Getting ready for my first table reading in 20 years and wondering how all this will turn out.

This is stressful. No doubt. But she ate. She cuddled. She played a tiny bit and she has a been yelling at us when we clean her butt. I think this is ok? What do you think? She's really lethargic but she does move every so often, even if it's just for a wobble around the bathroom. She is using the little cat litter box even if it is all gloppy yellow liquid (tmi, got it).

Shall I stop expecting the worst? Anyone been through feline fatty liver disease with underlying infection? Any words will be most welcome.

She's coming home!!

We went in yesterday to see little cat. She is scruffy and still yellow, hooked up to the IV and really stinky BUT she noticed us and when we put her on the (blanketed) ground she struggled to get onto my lap for a cuddle meowing all the time. She noticed me, wanted me to pet her, cuddle her and break her out! Amazingly DH got her to eat - which made me bawl! She only licked his gravy covered finger a few times but its the first real food for over a week. If she can eat by Thursday they will a) take out the nasal tube and b) not put in a permanent feeding tube in her stomach.

The best news of all... she gets to come home tonight. I can bath her and cuddle her all night. I am ecstatic! We have to feed her 3x a day thru her nose-tube till Thursday but we are going to get her onto solids by hook or by crook. Roasted chicken, shrimp - I am pulling out all the stops. Any ideas welcome! She also has awful diarrhea (sorry TMI) from the medicine but I don't care. She is coming home.

K asked for a photo so here she is before she got sick.

Other News

It's weigh in day. I lost another 1.8 pounds making the total over 22 pounds. I only have 8 pounds to my first baby goal.

I am so please last week is no longer this week. Thanks for all your help and support

Friday.

Hi everyone and thank you for all the support this week. totally makes all the difference, I tell ya. But you know that, right?

First of all - Sprogblogger - AWESOME. That's all I have to say about that.

Cat: a little better. Pissed off which means she isn't delirious anymore. She recognized me yesterday and wanted to be picked up. She is yelling at everyone! Phew. She is still in the ICU but I am cautiously optimistic.

DE: I bugged 'em. Fuck it - I pay enough to damn well bug 'em. Here is the scoop. The other recipient is having lots of test done. The coordinator will put together our dates after the other recipient's last visit next week. It looks like we will not be starting mid August, like I had hoped. On the up side, the longer we wait the more weight I can lose and the more my chances of successful transfer etc. So OK, I'll wait. Just not too freakin' long!

As I have mentioned before my drug of choice is food. If I am happy, I'll eat. If I am sad, I'll eat. Boredom - ya. So this week has tested my resolve to the limit. I walk back from the Animal Hospital, holding back sobs, checking my email every step of the way to see if Cornell has got it together and all I can think is ... chocolate cake, fries, BBQ, carbs and fat. Have I "given in" ? No. And I have walked 10,000 steps everyday. Each time the urge comes I think "I can eat that but Cat will still be in the ICU and I will still working towards becoming pregnant" So this week I have learnt that I can do it without the food. Crap week, big lesson.

Quick updates.

Cat News

She is still in ICU yet her bp has improved somewhat. I am seeing her again tonight. DH came with me last night and saw her for the first time since she was admitted and he was so upset, which I thought would set me off but it didn't. I was quite calm yesterday. I think I am somewhat depressed if the truth be told - I'm detached and I hardly slept last night.

I was reading to my little cat as she lay hooked up to two IV's, a feeding tube and a kitty shade on her head - a Sookie Stackhouse book. It was the only way to keep myself together. Tonight I am going to groom her, take some food to tempt her with and read a little more. If she eats she could be home as soon as Monday.

DE

Still no news from Cornell. I don't want to be annoying but I am getting a little frustrated. How many weeks does it take to get the freakin' info. What is going on??

On the bright side I now have two posts in, one permanent crown & one temporary crown. May have to have a root canal but i don't really care (my root guy is amazing). My dentist laughed - she said there isn't one tooth in my head that isn't somehow defunked. Tomorrow she has to drill what is left of one crown (that chipped) in order to replace it. Joy. I booked myself into Bliss to see 'George the wonder hands' tomorrow afternoon. I figure I deserve it.

Oh and my mammogram came back - all clear. big smile.

Dare I say it ... I think things are looking up?

SHort post - UPDATE

I saw my little cat yesterday. She is really, really sick. She looked totally dreadful and has gotten worse. We have to transfer her to the Animal Hospital. Feeding tubes, critical care.

I refuse to give up hope or give in to panic. I am sad though. Very, very sad.

My cat (black tuxedo) is now yellow from all the toxic backup and her brain is being affected BUT she does NOT have cancer and whilst she in the ICU her prognosis is 80% chance of FULL RECOVERY!!!!!! Your prayers and good wishes worked. Thank You. Every one of you for the kind words and support.

Oh, and we $10 refund from Cornell. $10. Cheeky sods!

DE news & cat update.

I asked our coordinator what was the next step and she emailed right back (3 days later) to tell me we are waiting on period info from the donor and she would be in touch really soon. Ahhhh! Of course, my over analytical mind flew into overdrive - why can't they get the info, does she have irregular periods and lied on her form, is there something wrong, is she unresponsive???

Ah shuttupyaface EB. Relax, let go, it will all happen in good time.

Cat update from vet: She's on 2 antibiotics, 2 sorts of IV liver repair vitamins, her blood count was 'fine' (which I think means no cancer) she still isn't eating on her own but she has eaten with assistance, she did pee, she had an enema and she is nervous. No shit Sherlock. Diagnosis: it was liver inflammation that got a little out of hand (not cancer) and if she can start eating and get off assisted medication support she will live. If not, he's not sure. I can't take that last bit in.

I'm living in a kind of dual world. Excited to get my teeth fixed and prep for an imminent DE cycle and emotionally done in from worry about my little furry one. I want to eat bread with honey and chocolate and English biscuits but that would defeat the DE gains we have made.

If you have any words of wisdom, I would love to hear them.

I get to see her tonight at 6.

Ugh

So I dropped my cat off at the vets today. He phoned an hour later. She has a high enzyme count in her liver or something. It could be the 4 pound loss due to not eating. It could be an infection. It could be cancer.

They have kept her to rehydrate her and they'll call tonight. If she doesn't improve then the will do an ultra sound of her liver (I think for cancer cells). Not sure after that.

I love my cat so very much. She is very cute and very smart. She is my shadow when I'm at home. When I m/c she didn't leave my side. She slept on my pillow, sat in the bathroom while I threw up from the pain and lay across my stomach when the cramps were really bad. She has big green eyes and a black/brown face and she stared at me for days, till I was ok.

I keep thinking of her, all alone and hooked up to an IV. Wish I could just sit with her. Seems unfair that she looked after me when I needed her and I don't get to do my bit for her. I'm trying not to be too dramatic about all this. Trying to keep the whole thing in proportion. Hard though.

If she is really sick I won't keep her alive for my benefit, I always thought that was so cruel. I will rip out my heart and do the right thing. I know there are many, many worse things in this world. I know some of you out there have to deal with so much more than a sick cat. I'm sorry if this post seems self pitying. It is. It's just that I love her.

Thank you

for cheering me up guys. Your support is so needed and so welcome.

Pussycat is still off but she is eating (sort of). She gave me a cuddle this morning and purred which I think is a good thing. I'm still taking her in to the vet tomorrow. It might be age but she isn't that old (8 ). It might be heat but it's not even that hot. We've been together for 7 years. Se here's hoping.

I am taking a mental health day.

I slept in this morning. 9am. Sweet. Then I booked a massage at bliss (eh) and walked home via bookstores and shoe stores and my fave organic salad place! Must say, I am feeling a little better. For sure.

I booked a couple of theatre tickets for this week, booked a long massage with ' super hands' and cancelled everything I didn't have to do so I can put my shoulder to the grindstone and get my damn teeth fixed. Damn, I will have super choppers.

Not as super as Bill. Any watch T.rue Bl.ood? We just gorged on the first season (Apple TV). So good. Funny and thoughtful and yeah, a little sexy too!! I have such great dreams after an episode of TB. We don't have HBO so I have to wait for Season 2. I hope it coincides with my bed rest ;-)

Thanks again all. Hope I can do it for you one day.

It just keeps acomin'

Today was crap. It was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Weigh in - gained 0.4 pounds. Not a surprise but not easy to hear

Eating my bagel before the group another crown came off and this time the post came out with it.

So now, before the DE starts (assuming it starts in August) I have to have two post and crowns put in, one crown replaced, four roots retreated and if possible a fourth reroot canal. Oh, not to forget my three ruptured disks and the annular tear.

And worse of all, I think my adorable cat may be sick.

It just doesn't stop happening. I am exhausted and fed up. I can't take any more medical crap happening to me. I feel guilty for complaining - after all I have it good compared to others - but still... enough already. Please.

we're everywhere (warning: politics views stated)

I just had one in an endless round of business lunches and once again the talk turned to kids. I tend to be somewhat open with familiar folks about IVF but not most. Well, there must be some sort of scent I give off coz without fail the person opposite tells me of their IVF babies.

Yes, the women (and a few men) are somewhat older but not that old. Yes, we are all well paid since most of these lunches are with CEO types. So we fit the demographic.

Here's what weird. Its all so confessional. Hushed tones, winks, knowing smiles. This last one wanted to write an expose about the 'sub culture' of IVF in NYC - who's done it and where. No thanks! I don't consider it a sub culture. I consider it a medical issue. I didn't chose to be infertile. Its not a scheduling issue (you listening Brad & Angelina).

I would write about the medical establishments and how they discriminate based on income and how it's driven by the insurance companies unethical policies about payment for IVF. I would also write about the politics of IVF and how religion should have no part in creating health care practices since this country was founded on a division of Church and State. I would write about how the USA has one of the worst track records for infant death at birth due to unethical birthing procedures that are based on hospital maximizing dollars instead of patient QOL.

But I am not going to write a gossipy book about how 'we're all doing it"!!

You want a piece of this...

I realized how much I've matured over this past year. I was in a cab coming back to my apartment. Once we got to my street I asked the cabbie to pull over. He didn't respond so I assumed he hadn't heard me. I repeated myself. He rounded on me and he was a big fella

"ok if I pull over? Huh? huh?OK if I pull over"

A year or two ago I would have been terrified.

I smiled. Pathetic. Pathetic bully that has no idea what I can do. I can survive through two pregnancy terminating within me, I can take pills, pain and massive depression. I can handle my privacy being invaded, my private parts being examined, judged day after day and failing 'the test' time after time. You think you can intimidate me!

"You didn't respond to my first comment so I repeated it"

I slowly counted out the money (sans tip) and handed it through the window. He grabbed at it and started counting. Once again he snapped around and started in on me. I had a dollar held out so he bumped into. He tried to intimidate me by staring at me but I just sat there ... waiting.

Thanks, he mumbled and turned around.

It is true that through adversity we can rise, grow and discover more of ourselves. All good qualities to be a mom.

Negotiating healthcare

Taking your sage advice I badgered my dentist till she set two appointments - Friday 17th and 21st. That is enough time for my teeth to be fixed for sure - as long as she gets organized which is not a given. All I need now is the mammogram (Thursday) and an PAP. I don't have an OB so I emailed my coordinator to ask if I could get it done at the hospital (and to remind her to call me!!)

It looks like 6-12 weeks is a normal time frame to wait from match to transfer. Of course that is smack bang in the middle of our holiday to see my folks in Europe! Oddly enough, my ma phoned and said to only come over if my back is 100%, so I do have an out (clearly I am not discussing my reproductive journey with my family). If my back is better by then and we can't go I think I will tell her that we are doing another IVF cycle. What is the reason for withholding? My ma is very sensitive around early pregnancy (she had multiple losses and most quite late) and she prefers not to know. One day she said "oh, for goodness sake, just adopt already". Thanks ma.

I am glad there is a bit of breathing room. It gives me more time to drop some weight. how I would love to get to 30 pounds (which is totally doable since I have already dropped 21 pounds) It would also be agony to be pregnant with this annular rip. Yesterday I over did the cross trainer and today my back is sore and achy. It's like having a stone that aches in your lower back. My back doc says there should be improvement over the next couple of weeks. I am starting to wonder if he is any good. Its been 5 weeks already. Yes, I am in less pain but still can't sit for more than an hour without being crippled. I am seeing the senior partner on Friday, maybe he will reassure me.

Melissa just emailed - I can do the pap at Cornell whilst we have our state exams done (blood work). Excellent!!

no word from CRMI

I am anxiously carrying my phone around with me. I want Mel to call and tell me what to expect, what happens next. I want her to call and tell me I am pregnant but that has to wait a few weeks!

In the meantime I am trying to get my teeth fixed in time. I need a new post and two crowns. I told my dentist that I was on a donor list, that a donor has unexpectedly been found and that I need to finish my teeth ...now! Her responce was that she is taking a ton of time off in July and it might be difficult. Oh. OK then. Arse!!!! If she doesn't do it I am screwed. No other dentist will take a half completed root canal on. I shall hassle them till they give in. I think I have time, in all reality. What is the fastest we gals can be synchronized? Anyone done DE at Cornell? Anyone got any advice?

bliss

I did it again. I went back to bl.iss for another massage. I can't help myself! OMFG seriously wonderful. I had the blis.sedout massage and holy cow, was I blissed out. Still am!

It got me thinking. If the DE doesn't work I am going to a Caribbean spa for a week. I don't care how much it will cost (I shall add it to the pile of IVF bills we already have). It will be the end of us trying to have biologically related off spring and it will be the end of chemically altered states and highly restricted diets, movements and bills! We will move on to adoption. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem at all with adoption. It isn't a consolation prize I'm after.

I want to mark the end of IVF with something glorious, something celebratory. As a couple we will have endured a year of trying times, no intimacy, timed intimacy, stress and more stress for both, emotionally and physically. We will have deserved it. I want to celebrate enduring, surviving and perhaps ... growing.

I want a romantic beach, with plenty of sun soaking and cooling in the sea. I want my body brushed and rubbed and softened and pampered to thank it for getting me through and my soul to be nourished by the relaxation and timetable free, spontaneous intimacy with DH.

imagine that

Happy 4th

In the cab yesterday DH looked over and grinned "we get a packet next week" .. er what? It took me ages to work out he was talking about the Donor Egg match packet that has all our details in it. It's the first sense of excitement I have had from him (which is usual, it takes time). Now he is treating me like I am pregnant and/or 4 years old (practicing to be dad).

I started to worry, fret and all round anxiously nit pick at the fact this is not a done deal. I read blogs of women for whom DE didn't work or hasn't worked. I keep thinking we should be filling out adoption papers just in case. This is how we started IVF . We were more than hopeful. We were confident. DH really thinks this is going to work. He keeps quoting stats and saying things like 'and with the weight loss'...

Do I jump off cliff and hope I can fly? Or do I shuffle along, jumping in the air and have very brief moments of joy but a safe journey???

Today is the anniversary of my first m/c and the start of our journey through IVF. I am in a much better place now than a year ago, not least because of you, the supporters and coaches I have come to rely on.

Happy 4th to you all.

Spahhhhhh

We were going to try and go away this weekend - an island, a beach and some well deserved non medical R&R. Well, my back is still too painful to sit for more than 30 mins, so we didn't.

Instead we are going for a spa treatment. I am going for the deep sea body scrub (I find it as relaxing as a massage with the added benefits of the detox). After which we shall pop into a little local place for a bite to eat. Sounds like a beach holiday without the beach to me!

Because tomorrow is the 4th I went to my weight watchers meeting today. Crazy leader that kept asking one member to attest! Very strange. Anyway, even with the steroids this week I lost 1.4 pounds. I am amazed because this week I have had donuts from A.sia de C.uba (amazing) chocolate and ice cream. I know it doesn't sound like a lot, but 1.4 pounds makes me very happy.

Still reeling

I am so frikkin' excited still. A donor!!! I wrote a post about who she was but then I thought, wait, the kids to be don't know yet. So I decided not to go there. What I can say is she is the right age, the right background and she is proven. She decided to donate because her brother and SIL are infertile and they use donor eggs. Twins, they have twins.

I know that DE is not a guarantee my heart is racing and I am totally all over the damn place.

Thank you for all your comments and excitement.It is great to be able to share this.

I was told that we could be in transfer in August depending on the other couple. We get a match packet in a week or so with instructions and timing etc. Of course, I am supposed to visit Europe in August which we may have to cancel but that is a nothing.

This is one of the best feelings in the world.

UPDATE!!

OK two in one day, I know but this is totally worth it

A DONOR !!!!!

Yep Cornell just phoned and they have a donor for us. She sounds great. What a gift! What a strange world - this time last year, to the day, I started m/c.

I can't stop crying.

squeeky wheel

I emailed Cornell yesterday to let them know I have lost weight and please, would they amend my 'sheet' (the sheet that they use to match you). Of course the would. I was then informed that we were on the list as of February 2009. WTF?!? Last I heard it was August 2008! So I calmly followed up (which took some doing since I am on steroids) and it turns out they made a mistake. We are on the list as of August. PHEW.

Match me now, now, now pleeeeeaaase.

Oh and I saw my MRI back images today. I have 3 herniated disks but only one is serious and one ripped something which according to the doc "is painful". NO SHIT SHERLOCK . The great news is that its all redeemable and fixable (sort of) and is a great weight loss motivator.

And I had my post removed today from the reroot canal #2.

Yes, retail therapy was in order and I bought a wonderful, glorious burnt orange shoulder bag. It is nearly as gorgeous as I am.