Goodbye and Hello

I'm not really one for New Years Eve. Never understood the point and I hate crowds (yes, I live in NYC!) I'm really uncomfortable around drunk people and thankfully my dh has little interest in this party night so we tend to ignore it. We tend to watch a movie snuggled up at home, usually covered in contented cat. Can't think of anything better to be honest. I shall ask DH if he wants to watch a movie on the bed so we can get a full on cuddle - best kind.

I'm feeling tired and wan (good old English word there). I do not wake up feeling overjoyed that I am pregnant or smiling and rubbing my belly. I wake up and think 'another day of not fucking it up'. I feel all the responsibility and non and of the control which is hard. I am eating well, sleeping well, resting when needed (most of the time!) and generally being a good girl but I think I am lonely and need me some friend time. have isolated myself over the past year, what with treatments and hope, despair and and all that. Maybe I should send out a lunch invite for today, see who is around?


Odd things are happening physically which I thought I'd share.
1. my farts smell like boiled cabbage and are very present
2. my pee smells like fortified horse pee and equally as present
3. boobs have gone square - square!!
4. skin is as soft as a baby's bum
5. drug addict acne (under my nose). mmn thanks
6. I have no cognitive skills left. Forgetting words left right and ... er...
7. Hunger has abated and now I am very mildly queasy
8. if I don't eat every two hours its like someone pulled my plug out.
9. bad back owwwwww
10. bloating like a premenstrual puffer fish

And wouldn't change any of it for the world.

I hope you have a fun Nw Years Eve, where ever you are. May 2010 be a peaceful, joyous and productive year, Thank you for all your help, guidance, support and honesty in 2009.

Cramps and panic

I started having cramps yesterday. I ate A TON of food - all of it was delicious but perhaps it was too much food. Anyway, I bloated up like a puffer fish (still bloated) and slept for hours. Then I had cramps and.... panicked. I know cramps are normal but somehow I just couldn't get over the fear of this pregnancy being over.
Good news is that there are no cramps today and I am exhausted after visiting a friend for 4 hours. So I think I am still pregnant. I'm not panicked anymore. But I am still a little fearful.

I visited my friend because she is having a very surprising reacting to adopting a dog. She's wanted a dog for as long as I have known her. They finally decided to adopt this year. She has what can only be described as post natal depression. She is depressed and can't bond with the dog, she hasn't slept or eaten in three days. She was in tears. All she wants is to give the dog back but she is racked with guilt. The dog needs training and is very underweight but all told is a healthy cute dog. She is totally and utterly overwhelmed by the responsibility of 'loving' something. She was in tears for 4 hours worried about how everyone would feel and react to her giving the dog back, wondering why she didn't want to be around the dog.

Sometimes it is interesting to see life outside the IF world. How we are all connected and struggling. I wonder what it will be like to bring home a baby after so many years of it being IF.

double take

6dp5dt: HCG 30
8dp5dt: 109
14dp5dt: 1964!!!!!!!

I know!! I thought I had read it wrong. The last time I got in this region was when we were naturally pregnant and 6 weeks along. DH is terrified to celebrate or hope - the m/c are hard on me but I honestly think they are harder on him. But I have to say, them is some pretty nice numbers.

I am celebrating with roast chicken and rosemary fries. I may even push the boat out completely and have the last slice of Christmas cake my ma sent me.

No wonder I was so tired I couldn't move yesterday. And today? I have managed to go to the movies and now I need a nap. And my boobs hurt. Yippee. Symptoms :-)

I wish I could share with my mum. But she had so many losses in her life that she would worry herself sick for the next 10 weeks. How did you share the news? My folks are thousands of miles away. I was thinking of making a DVD and sending it with some flowers and a bottle of wine.

1964. Wagging my behind off!

Polka Dot update

It's a growin!

(6dp5dt) 1st beta - 30's, progesterone 12
(8dp5dt) 2nd beta - 109 progesterone 19

I'll get today's b/w tomorrow when I pop in for my shots.

I got an ultrasound picture too - doubled in size since it's last close up. It's still in there. And the Oscar for most surprised patient went to ... me! I just thought I had had my quota of good luck and it would have gone. But nah, s/he's sticking around.

Phew!!

And there is still only one polka dot which much to my great surprise I am delighted at. I know I spent most of the year asking for twins but in the cold hard light of pregnant day I am so relieved that there is only one polka dot. If we had just one family member around to help it might have seem doable but since we are on our own and totally inexperienced .... yada yada

I've been thinking about how I have no genetic input into this child. That is so odd. To be the surrogate. I'd be lying if I wasn't mourning just a little. A mini me ego trip. Once this polka dot starts to be more of a baby I'm figuring I won't care at all. We have decided to wait to tell people we used donor egg (including immediate family) until we tell the child. My family is like the Adams family and I don't want certain members upsetting our little one or starting the gossip tree off.
So, we shall say IVF but not DE until the kid understands. The only ones I want to tell are my mum and dad but I'm not sure. It's got nothing to do with being embarrassed or pretending the kid is genetically me, me, me. Our psych councillor at Cornell made a big deal about this. Hopefully I have the next 9 months to decide.

and breathing out...

I am a little less panic stricken today. Thank you everyone. How does anyone do this without you lot??

And I watched my food intake yesterday - very little salt and sugar, lots of veggies and protein and lost 4 pounds so I am very happy. After the struggle to lose weight this year I am super sensitive about any weight gain. I was told that I am not supposed to gain any weight in the first trimester and then up to 20 pounds by the end of the pregnancy, if I want a healthy pregnancy.

I thought I would be walking on air if we ever got a BFP but both DH and I are anxious and grouchy. I'm tired all the time (which I count as a symptom and therefore LOVE) and I seem to be going further and further into my own internal world. I am happiest when left alone to read a novel. Being around people makes me exhausted. The best word to describe it is fragile. Which I guess indicates how desperately we want this to work and how fearful we are of having a m/c. How I envy those women that are surprised at 10 weeks.

I think I get to see the polka dot tomorrow, at my next beta test. Just had a rush of excitement at the thought! I shall get all the info for those that are interested. So far I know my first beta was 30 something and my Progesterone level was 12 (6dp5dt)

How much!

I am in full panic mode....

I just weighed myself. 6 pounds up. Holy crap! I know its Christmas but ... HOLY CRAP! The nurse warned me about the pills I was on. She said they will create havoc with weight gain and because of that I haven't really gone wild on the eat anything front. I guess its back to the watchful approach. When I was on bed rest I only went up by less than a pound so its just over the past week that this has happened. I was told to watch the sodium and sugar intake, I shall have to do better.

I sound like a skinny new yorker but I have the opposite problem. I can only gain up to 20 pounds throughout the pregnancy according to Dr J's chart in the waiting room. I shall ask her about the steroid I am on since that would seem to be the main culprit. 6 frikkin pounds. WTF!!

The nurse came yesterday to give me my shots. She told me that my second beta looked fine (she couldn't remember the number!!) but my progesterone was low. As soon as she said that I started mentally preparing for the worst. IF protection mode kicking in. Anyone out there got any anecdotes to share that might put my mind at ease?

Have a lovely day

To all I wish

Peace

and

Joy

and lots of ho ho ho.

Comfort zone

So here's an odd thing. I have no idea what to do now. I don't know anything. I feel like I have a PhD in infertility but upon graduation realised it didn't prepare me for pregnancy! I have no idea how pregnant I am. I look at other women's posts that cycled around this time and they have the weeks and days up there. How do I work it out!! I am 9dp5dt that is all I know.

I keep thinking - did I dream it? Did I think all this but in reality I am still in limbo, waiting for a beta, or a scan, or an injection or a pill, or an appointment with yet another doctor. I am very aware of my history of multiple m/c so I consider myself limbo pregnant at the moment. I know I am anxious because I have the nails of a teenage boy. I am not a nail biter and my hands could do a Mou.ntain De.w commercial.

However, we decided to celebrate tonight with a milkshake (whoopee we are HOG WILD) and then take it one day at a time. Celebrate with a milkshake! I swear, I used to be interesting. And, I have found a prenatal health group near work which looks terrific for when the time is right. The program is yoga, nutrition, prenatal classes and pre/post birthing support (which given we have no family that can help us out might make sense).

DH was very sweet when he saw the print out of our polka dot. He got such a soft look on his face. He stared at it for ages and then at me with tears in his eyes. He is a bit dreamy now and going to be late for work if he doesn't hustle!

Wow, its Christmas Eve and we have a polka dot.

Do you see what I see?

Back to Dr J for more blood work, injections etc. The first beta was in the 30s by the way. It's way more now - I have been peeing on sticks compulsively since Monday!

Then we did a sonogram.

Then I saw it.

A polka dot right in the middle of the screen.

Yes, yes (mummers Dr J) well developed since Monday (See! my kid is a genius already!!!!)


However, I have to have an IV tomorrow or the day after for something to do with antibodies. I didn't really understand and by the time I had had my injections, the sono, the sighting ... I was exhausted so didn't listen properly. I trust Dr J. She has got us this far.

I know we have a very long way to go to be in a safer place but this is a great Christmas present. The best. A polka dot.

I am gonna frame it and give it to DH on Christmas Eve.

7dp5dt

I PO2S's this morning (at the same time). Answer and EPT. I think the sensitivity levels are 25 and 50 respectively. Answer came up positive in seconds. EPT was a fantom line that evap'd.

So to answer the question 'what is my beta?' I have no idea! I forgot to ask. I could phone today but I don't want to just yet. I want to enjoy this moment. The moment where there is no ambiguity - I have had 2 positives. I am pregnant. In the past we get to about 6 weeks and it all goes tits up so I have decided to let go and free fall through this early stage. I am sure I will ask for my beta number on Wednesday. But after that I shall ask her to only tell me if there is a problem or until I hit 1000 or something.

I told my support group last night and there was appropriate cautious jubilation. We all know too much to celebrate until 12 weeks. But, oh it was nice, being the one, the one that got to say, "I have some news".

So all I know right now is that the numbers are on the rise. And that is all that counts. If I weren't so tired I would be wagging my ass off.

Thank you to everyone that left such wonderful comments. Thank You.

My turn - update

Its been 6 hours since I found out.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! holy shite and onions. It was positive. I am pregnant right now. Ahhahahahahahahhaha yyyyyyiiiiiiiiiippppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
------------------------------
I did a pee test at Dr J's this morning

It came back positive

We are pregnant

Stunned

Day 7 or 6dp5dt

I tested again. BFN. I know, its early. Ya da ya da

When I got back to bed, I checked my emails on my phone and there was a surprise announcement from friends of ours that they had brought home a baby home. They had adopted a baby boy in OK and brought him home yesterday.

Now, of course, I am delighted for them

I am also fucking furious.

These people came to our wedding. They have been part of our lives and losses. We have spoken about adoption and all the problems we are having (I am not a citizen so most agency's wont work with us) and about our IVF disappointments and m/s.

They never mentioned a thing about their adoption and then send out an 'everyone' email. They have offered no help, contacts, ideas and now not a shred of sucking empathy. What the fuck! DH just said "why them, not us?" It's exactly what I felt when I read the email.

Why not us?

I realize this sounds very selfish. I don't care.

Day 6 or is it?

When does the dpt begin? I read on one website it was the next day (i.e. transfer day = 0). So today could be 5 or could be 6.

Anyhow, I am worried (no, really Eb, you worried, what a shocker) coz I don't have any symptoms. My boobs don't hurt. At all. Everyone talks about boobage issues. My back hurts but I have been laying around for EVER. I am worried. Fuck me, 5x5 better fucking work. I mean c'mon!! I transferred one less than Octomom. ONE LESS THAN OCTOMOM (who, by the way, I really dislike right about now).

I still have hope but now I guess I am in full 2ww crazy swing. Sitting around for days isn't helping really. I know its better to have a consistent core temperature but hell, do I really have to lay flat for a week! I will be one really pissed of infertile if this doesn't work and I have missed all the fun this time of year.

I am reading your comments a few times a day. They keep me going. All the sound advice and ass kicking. It helps to rebalance my mind and emotions.

One thing I have noticed is that every so often something will make me cry. A Frank Sinatra song (!!) I heard on the radio, a thank you note. I blub then its over. Must be the pills but I will pretend its my HCG levels shooting up.

Day 5 (DH don't read, pressie spoiler)

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

I laughed my ass off at your comments. OH THANK YOU dearest friends. Yes, too early indeed. I shall not test until Tuesday. I can't get a EPT test without asking my DH to get it for me and he would say no. He is true believer in letting things follow the flow of things - or denial. I have my beta on Christmas Eve (or maybe Wednesday coz the clinic is thinking of shutting one day early) I have therapy on Monday so I shall pick up a test on my way back home. I might test Monday or wait till first flush on Tue.

Thanks again guys. I am hanging between thinking '5!' (as in, great chances) and 5! (as in, and it still might not work). Totally normal for the 2ww (or 8/9 day wait for me) but an odd place all the same. It doesn't matter what the protocol or what the breakthrough, we all seem to end up here. Hoping, afraid, excited and demented. Maybe I can find my inner zen and just not test? What were some of the early early signs you noticed when you got preggers?


In between the laying around and getting my arse kicked by the best Internet sisters a women could want, I am wrapping my DH stocking presents. So far we have star wars Christmas collectibles (dh is a geek) a pen shaped like a finger that either makes farting noises or has a recording of someone saying - pull my finger, racing grannies, a backscratcher, odd nuts and an orange (of course) and .... a reindeer that poops chocolate bits ( a personal fave). Ho ho he he he ho ho ho

Day 4 - update: OK OK Unccle!!

I went back to bed and slept till now (9am) and when I read your comments I burst out laughing!! So THIS is what its like to have sisters. Thank you dear friends for the tough love. You are right and I shall ignore "it" ever happened.
'Sides, I am enjoying my time in.
Thank you!

-------------------------------------------

I POAS. The test was not too old - it had an expiration date late 2010

BFN.

I found a study on line that indicates that most women with 5 day transfers got BFP's on day 4.

I haven't given up all hope but I am disappointed. I guess I should wait for the blood work on the 24th but I know I won't. Not now. Just have to work out how to get the pee sticks. If I ask DH he will say no since he prefers to ignore the whole thing. I shall call the pharmacy and get them delivered.

Wow. 5x5 and it might not have worked. What is wrong with me?

Day 3

Yesterday wasn't so bad. I divided my day and did indeed do work, write holiday cards, watch a movie and wrapped a few presents.
I have noticed that as soon as I take the progesterone pills ... its all over. I pass out and then I am very quiet for the rest of the night. I quite like the escape. Great, I'm an addict.

To test or not to test.
I woke up at 4am thinking " I know where an ept is" and struggled with the idea of testing. I googled it yesterday and most people got a bfp on 6da5dt. My day 6 will be Saturday so I think I shall keep my really old fashioned ept for Sat am (its the kind you have to dip into a cup). The fear is sneaking in. Tiny frosting of fear! What if... what if...

I would normally talk this through with DH but since he has been absent for this cycle I am going to continue the solo navigation. I have made every decision, filled in every form and been to every appointment on my own. So fuck it. If you want in you gotta turn up.

So today's timetable:
At 10am my acupuncturist is coming over for a lovely session. I always feel so calm, peaceful and healthy after a treatment.
Sometime, the nurse comes over to give me Love.nox and PIO (I really don't know why she insists her poor nurses trek all over town) I am glad I get to warm up my arse tho, having the shots at the office has bruised my poor old bum. I am really tender back there.
So work, read, English tv, radio, wrap presents and maybe a call to a couple friends. Phew, what a busy day.

As I type one of my cats is asleep on my lap and the other just dropped his little cat tennis ball at my feet with much fanfare and meowing. Ahhhhhhh.

day 2 of house arrest

Hello new follower and thank you!

Day 1. Easy. I was stoned from the sedative.
Day 2. Comfy. Warm woolly socks, soft hiking jumper and BBC radio playing. I (finally) ate a healthy breakfast of egg whites and OJ (it's not coffee but hey, I can go without for the little ones).

I am convinced I am pregnant. I always am on day 2 after the transfer. Every ache and pain, cramp and pull is evident that the embies are snuggling in. Oh I am dizzy, I cry. Then I remember that I just took the antibiotic on an empty stomach. But for today, I am pregnant. Oh so pregnant. I am going to let myself look and feel and hope and dream. Even though I know what will happen on Christmas Eve if we get a BFN. I have tried every which way to minimize the pain of BFN's and nothing works. So I am going to go with my instincts - let my gut lead the way, no pun intended.


On a very sad note, please stop by http://dreamsandfalsealarms.typepad.com/my_weblog/
and offer support.

here's hoping.

This transfer was probably the most nice experience I've had in a while. I had acupuncture before and after and the chair they did the transfer in was so comfy! I even got a mild sedative.

Before the transfer we had a long chat about the best way to go forward.

a) We could transfer 2 which is routine.
b) Or 4 which is aggressive.
c) Or 6 which was seen as very aggressive.

We had 5 top embies (and 11 very good) but there would be a high chance of multiples. We don't want more than 2 but we do want... so we went for 5 and agreed to a reduction if there are any more than 2. That was one of the most difficult decisions of my life. They couldn't really help out with the decision because it would be unethical and of course if I turn into octomom then the decision is still up to me/us at the time of reduction.

We froze 11 embies. 11 good to very good 5 day blasts.


So guys, I am officially PUPO

And so very happy today.


Thanks for all your support guys.

Twas the night before transfer....

I did a bit of Christmas shopping this afternoon and then came home to take the drugs outlined in my pre-transfer sheet. Lots of estrogen, progesterone, antibiotic etc etc. High dosages and they have knocked my socks off. I sat down at 4 and woke up at 5! I have a support group tonight which I am really looking forward to but I think I need a cup of real tea to get through it.

So here we are. I think, although I am not sure, we still have 16 embies. I would be very surprised if we have 16 tomorrow but hey, you know, you never know.


Oh man.


Tomorrow at 9. I get to the practice at 8.30am, acupuncture then transfer then acupuncture again whilst in the resting bay (for one hour). Then I get to come home, climb into bed and .... hope.

And when, I hear you ask, is the pregnancy test? Christmas Eve! And according to the weather channel we may well have snow. I love Christmas Eve, I love snow. I hope I shall love this snowy Christmas Eve.

I am excited, fearful, nervous, hopeful and ready to rest.

oh oh here come PIO madness ...

I get crazy on Lupr.on for sure. But I become a total bitch on wheels when it comes to PIO. I have no idea why. But yesterday was the start.

In the morning I had my cervix opened by Dr J who gave me another shot of 'local anaesthetic ' so I was really woozy. Glad she did that coz the whole opening of the cervix thing ... hurt. Why did she open my cervix yesterday? no idea - I don't ask.

DH gave me preview of how totally unprepared he his for all this. He was speaking about going on an assignment that would basically use up all his time off (maybe leave one week). That would mean that he would have maybe a week when Jnr arrives then he would have to go back to work!! Ah no, I think not.


5 DAY TRANSFER - I have never been able to write that.

I have never had a 5 day transfer. I am so totally psyched. I read that it increases chances of successful etc.
Dr J wants me to lay flat for 7 days. Not sit in a chair quietly. Lay flat. Its total overkill but I don't care. I ordered comfy flannel sweatpants from Ga.p and have lined up tons of lovely soups and dvds. I got my mince pies in last night (a dozen, well there was, now there is only 10!!) and little bits of Christmas chocolate.
I have decided to do 'jobs' in the am - write cards, order presents, organize our ivf stuff from Cornell.l for tax (hahahahaha). I shall read in the afternoon and watch dvd's in the evening. DH is concerned. He has never seen me sit still for more than 2 days, even with pneumonia. But this isn't about me. Its about them. The little one trying to find a place to implant. Right?

Fert report

I am delighted to be able to report that we have ...


16 embies cooking away. They recovered 19 eggs and 16 so far are looking 'terrific'. Dr J was very happy (since Dh has such crappy sperm) but reminded me to be caustious in my celebrating until they could see what was what after the weekend.

but still


whoooohoooooooooo


Transfer is on Tuesday morning.

And we have been told to fill out the paperwork for cryopreservation, since we may well have some to freeze.

PHEW!!!


Soapchick - thank you from the bottom of my heart. If it weren't for you ... whatever happens... thank you.

Brought to you by the number....

18-20 ... eggs! Retrieved. Relieved.

Now, before I let myself get all excited I must wait for the fert report. Dr J says DH's boyz are not good so not to expect too much.

but... still... (little tiny whooohooooooooooooooo)

more later....

ho hum

after all the excitement of yesterday today is a bit of a let down! DH went for his HCG shot and my oh my you would think HE should get the nobel. You know, its a damn good thing that I am the one in the couple that has to do all the shots and pills and hospital visits otherwise this whole process would have been way worse.

We had a couples session yesterday. DH is clearly emotionally done. The therapist asked what is plan B. Adoption we answer. That all? Dh sighed.I said he couldn't take another month. Maybe if we took off January and then did the frosties in February. Maybe. He just can't take another disappointment. I understand but at the same time I resent his battle fatigue. I am the one that is exhausted because I am the one that has had two full time jobs (my regular and IVF) and I am the one that is physically so screwed up coz all the bloody drugs.

I shall re register for the adoption workshop in Vermont for March. There is one in January but I don't think that is such a good idea for either of us.

The therapist made me laugh. She said she had one thing we haven't tried for a while that might work. Intercourse. Oh yeah, I remember nookie. I think. Its that naughty, sexy thing we used to do all the damn time. Right. Something to do with fun. Wouldn't that be a kick in the pants. Getting preggers the good old fashioned way after all this money.

DE day - update

Dh's shot was... HCG. yeah, I know. Its to increase/help out his production. I checked it out online and, yup.


DH and donor go to the clinic this evening.
Donor gets the trigger shot
DH gets .... a shot. (No, i have NO IDEA what shot he is getting. Anyone? )

Retrieval = FRIDAY

Transfer = 3 or 4 or 5 day.

AHHHHHHHHh!!!!!!!!!!! holy crapola folks. I am so nervous. No, I am scared. Scared to death.

temptation ...

to eat total crap on the plane was resisted. phew. I did just scarf down an English biscuit but it so cold i must be burning up the calories just laying here on my couch!

I am so happy to be home. Enough travel already. I have a DE cycle to obsess over. I get wanded tomorrow and then I think the donor gets her 'get ready' shot. Saturday Saturday Saturday. As far as I know, ER on Saturday. Its DH's birthday Friday but no birthday nookie for him. Ah the sacrifices.

Is this going to work guys? Is it? I am so nervous, right. now. I see people that have grown big, given birth, nurse, help the toddle to toddle and watch them go off to school. And I am still here. At the beginning. When I first started this whole thing I was nervous about starting so late. hahahahahaha. If I had only known!

This time next week I will be PUPO.

husky

voice. I have one. I always get a sore throat on Estrodial and I think with all the singing and now all powerpoint presenting I have strained my vocal chords. I love the sound of my voice like this - all smoky and cool. I sound like a rock star in the morning!!

I am in a state of pre-expressive anxiety. In other words... i am anxious and nervous and excited about the upcoming DE-ing. In reading others in my position we are all in the same boat. We have all traveled as far as we can and this is it. The cliff edge. Of course I have the two frosties which feels like something of a safety net. I was totally reckless yesterday and googled maternity wear for work. I did that last time too. Then I panicked and tried to 'undo' my tempting of fate. Look how superstitious I have become. Its hilarious.

If I don't get pregnant I am going to finish my weight loss and get fit. I am so freakin' flabby and bloated right now. I asked DH for yoga lessons for Christmas and I shall add pilates and a personal trainer. Then I shall join my hiking club and get my ass back on the path.

I used to be afraid to lose weight, get fit etc. I would try for a while then quit and regain it all and then some. I have maintained my weight loss for about 2 months now, even on the huge amounts of estrogen or whatever it is I am on. I still have a ton of weight to lose tho. I would like to shed this old version of myself. I feel like the real me is hidden underneath all this flab. The layers of fat are excuses, reasons I make up to stop me from pursuing something I truly want. I was so afraid of failing that I ate myself into a standstill. After this year, I have no fear of failure anymore. I have no fear of feeling bad, sad or grieved over a loss.

La!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's me singing ... rather well as it turns out. Jill - you saved my life with the tea suggestion- thank you!. Even tho I stood next to the worst singer who has no idea that she shouldn't be singing and is really frikkin annoying .... I had a blast. I thought about all you guys, all we have been through, all we have loved and lost and I sang my alto heart out.

I went to Ma.cy's to buy a new performance skirt since my old ones didn't fit anymore (insert smug smile here). I managed to not only wear but button up a cashmere cardigan I bought for my wedding but didn't fit back then. I felt and looked and sounded great. Not a bad celebration of us and ours.


Back to today. On the road again in an hour. Back to San Fran for a Monday meeting. Ugh. I do hope the airline has changed the damn movies. If not the choices I have left are a wil.l farr.ell movie or one about cancer. Neither one appeals. I downloaded a few documentaries - one about scrabble (I AM SUCH A GEEK) and I do have a Brahms score to prep so at least I have stuff to do.

I am pretty psyched about the whole DE cycle again. I don't want to be, to be honest. I want the fear to control, I want the disbelief to guide, but I am just not in that space. I am excited and I am ... oh no... hopeful. How strange to be afraid of hope.
But fuck it. Lets face it, all I have right now is hope. Can the second DE failure hurt more than the first? Maybe. Maybe not. I will just have to live through whatever happens. I googled low sperm count and De success rates and there wasn't too much I didn't know. Ironically, b-12 shots help increase sperm count and quality and my DH has been getting b12 shots from his diet doctor. I am wondering if the low count last week was just a fluke. He is normally much higher than that.

So, here we are. ET week. Dear Donor - get your groove on and give me some fine quality eggs. Dear Sperm Deity - let his little wigglers be healthy and strong - he deserves the chance to have his own biological kid for so many reasons. And dear DE goddess - please. I beg you, please.

We have dates!

The retrieval dates are either the 11th or 12th. Transfer three days later. Donor is doing very well according to Dr J.

We have dates!!

We are transferring 4. Hopefully. I have learnt not to take anything for granted.

We have dates!!!

Pregnancy test is 7 days later (either the 22nd or 23rd I think). Just in time for Christmas. Wow, imagine that.

We have DATES!!!!

I am feeling... excited and hopeful and scared.

I shall sing in this afternoon's concert in hopes of the transfer being a success, of becoming pregnant and staying pregnant and of having the chance to love my child, to hold my child, to sing to her or him or them, to care for them and teach them, learn from them and create a family.

Funny thing happened on the way to mental health ...

I went to see my shrink today. I haven't seen her lately just because of my travel schedule. My shrink is amazing, lovely and loving and I owe my present day self to her guidance. However, my session this morning took me by surprise.

Here's what happened.

She hugs me, not unusual these days since I am forever going in there with teary tales of woe. She says over Thanksgiving she went through her list of folks and thought about why she was thankful for them. She launched into this whole thing about how much she enjoys working with me, how brave she thinks I am, how heroic, how I have learnt to trust and love and want and laugh. How when I met her I was so sad, lonely and hurt. She said she admires me.

It was so wild I burst into tears. I was so shocked. I didn't even think she liked me!!!

She has a point though. The journey we have been on together has been wild and long and unexpected but has come out a pretty cool place. When I met her I was a very damaged adult/child. I wouldn't let anyone near me and I was afraid of everything.

It made me think of this baby making ordeal. I assumed it would be straight forward and its not. I assumed it would be OK and it isn't. Yet I am more because of it, not less. And the blogs, wow, you guys are spectacular. Each voice brings something, each person strives to connect and support.

I wouldn't have missed this for the world.

Well I showed her...

Remember the post I did where I told the Universe to where to get off. Well, note to self, don't mess with the Universe...

... I have a sore throat (concert week ... sweet) and our new upstairs neighbours are really, really, really noisy fuck.ers. We live in an old building so the walls and floors are thick. In all the time we have lived here there has never been a noise issue from neighbours, until now. They moved in on Tuesday and played heavy bass music till 11pm. At 1230am last night they were yelling out of windows about eating people's souls and playing the kind of club music invented by audio sadists. it would be funny if I wasn't so sleep deprived.

Anyhoo, back to the cycle.

Anyone been on Lovenox? I think I shall be on it after the transfer. It's a blood thinner, right? I have heard all sorts of nasty stories about it so any real life experiences would be most welcome.

The ER should be 12th (DH birthday is 11th). We plan to celebrate by putting our Christmas tree up. We have such a lovely ritual. Go buy tree from mafiosi tree folks. Get the wooden treasure chest out that has all our decorations. Put sappy Christmas movie or music on, make huge pot of tea and fight over what goes where.


We are close, so close. December 12th, 13th, 14th (Dr J does 3 day transfers). In theory, we are 10 days away from transfer. Wow.

Are we there yet

I am frakkin knackered!! Couldn't sleep last night (which usually is a stress level indicator for me i.e. stress is too high) so the 7 days bed rest that Dr J is ordering after transfer looks really good from here. I have three huge books to read, about 500 hours of British TV recorded and a Brahms score to learn. Is 7 days enough I ask??? It also means my Christmas vacation is extended by 7 days. yeeehhhhaaaaa. Still. All the waiting and trying to be patient is a bit trying, isn't it.

Choir rehearsal last night. The last one before the concert. As usual there is a piece that I just fake!!! Open my mouth, make the right vowel sound but just don't sing the notes!!!! Every concert there is a some piece of music that just wont go in. It was lovely to see my RL friends again tho. I realised it has been weeks since I have had any fun - just DrJ stuff, travel and work. And they are all so lovely. They would fit right in to our world.

I am standing in between two dreadful warblers. Most of the music asks for straight tone - for us to sing like choirboys. These two women vibrato so much I am afraid they will cause structural damage to the church!! We are a chorus really, not a choir. The difference being that a Chorus is a non religious group that sings for audiences and a choir is a designated 'voice' of the church that sings for congregations. That having been said there are moments when the sound is just right and the light through the church windows shines in a certain way that it is hard not to feel inspired.
If you are around Friday at 8pm or Sat at 3pm Grace Church Choir (10th and Broadway) please drop in - I'll be the one in black faking it ;-) Well, I say drop in, but you really should buy a ticket before coz we are nearly sold out (1000 people!)

I am trying not to concentrate on the time - two weeks to transfer, more or less. Its like having two Christmas's in one month!!

ICSI

Not sure if we will be doing ICSI although I am assuming we will be. Wish I had the list of stuff covered. I think the drop in count was due to Mr's high temp a few weeks ago. Or am I just making that up?! He went for the blood tests yesterday so I guess we will know soon enough. Whatever, I am just gonna ignore the whole damn thing. This
one cost' price is now way over the number she gave me at the beginning of the whole process. Its comparable to Cornell but I don't want to tell DH right now. The stress of all this is enough as it is.

I see Dr J on Saturday - no idea why~!~ situation normal. I don't mind actually. I mean, when I was at C.nll I knew everything. I knew what each meeting was for and why, what numbers meant etc.

I couldn't tell you what my e2 is.

I wonder if it will work? Kara's mom just got a great beta result and I am so frikkin happy for her. I swear, my heart was beating so hard when I saw her post title (BETA results). I opened the post with one eye closed, holding my breath. If anyone deserves this it is Kara's ma. Sometimes when I read a postie beta I have to admit I get jealous or pissed off. Why her and not me. Then there are others that make it all seem right and good. Kara's mum, Best when used by... I admit it, its the folks I like. Those positives almost make my negatives seem ok. Does that sound totally weird? I don't care.

I am on a plane with Internet access. cool. Got a kid behind me that is kicking my chair. not cool. I will give the parent 30 mins to stop the little shit and then they will get the polite but means business English byatch ....

"You are kicking my chair back. It is dreadfully irritating. Stop it now. Thank you, dear"

While I am at it ....

"Hello universe. Enough. I have had enough with the head games. It is impolite to saddle me with infertility in the first place, dear, but to guide me towards a fellow with similar issues? Was that just for shits and giggles? Now, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, get the fuck out of my way so I can become the momma I am meant to be. Many thanks"