not doing so good today

Woke up in the night feeling like I was going to throw up at about 4 am this morning. Now, I did eat about 10, 000 calories yesterday including carrot cake and a huge slice of red velvet cake. I know! I know! Today, the nausea has subsided but I still feel off. Not ill, or sick but 'off'. I am terrified something is wrong with the lemons which is kinda weird since I felt the bubbles for the first time last night. I also have heart burn (very bad last night, not so bad today).


Am I over tired? Is it just too much food all of a sudden? I go to see Dr K tomorrow thankfully (although the speed of her examinations makes me a little fearful she will miss something.)

The main issue is my worry over the little ones. What if ... Oh god, what if...

Ideas for getting out of this funk most welcome.

Food glorious food

Oh I have my appetite back .... today has been a croissant, a slice of cake, chicken noodle soup and a roast beef sandwich. YUMMMMMMY and its not even 2pm yet.

I am back at work and enjoying it immensely. I think I got really bored at home this weekend which is a good sign. It's nice to have the maternity leave worked out coz now I have a countdown on my desktop!! Out of work for two whole months and all of it with my little lemons. God willing. I'll never have that much time with them going froward if I stay in my current industry. I'm planning all sorts.

We have decided to be extremely frugal with 'stuff' - buy nearly everything second hand, accept any gifts from twinnie friends, for example - so we can have a night nurse. I am also contacting Columbia Uni and asking for a mother help from their early education course. That way I can sleep, I'll have help to look after the lemons and I can enjoy them as much as is humanely possible. With no 'folks' to depend on I don't want to turn into zombie women for two months and not get to enjoy them.

According to my book they can hear now and they have retina recognition - so they respond to light. I get to see them on Thursday again. Of course, I am terrified that there is something wrong but in true Brit style I push it way down into my black whole of consciousness!! Tonight is choir, so they shall hear their mum sing!!

How has pregnancy changed you?

I get the distinct pleasure of working from home today since everyone is sick in my department :-) Nice re-entry to work after a week of sick myself.

I am reading about 5000 pages of tedious research (but in my oh so comfortable apartment!) The research topic is motherhood and I've been a little uncomfortable all day. Not physically but mentally. You see, the pregnancy has effected my brain power. I am less able to make the analytic leaps that I am supposed to make. I am more emotional over content but here is the weird one... I am more afraid.

I am afraid of getting things wrong, being wrong, arguing or debates. I am afraid I'm not good enough at my job and I'm afraid people can sense it. I feel like everyone else knows what they are supposed to do and I don't. Sometimes in meetings, people ask me a question and I panic - what does the question mean - I stare at them and have to ask them to repeat the question. This isn't good for a strategic advisor! My head just seems to so full and so empty all at the same time.

Lets put this down to hormones shall we? Maybe this is the estrogen hard at work? Maybe this is just pregnancy anxiety? Rather than dealing with all my daily fears (are they still ok? will we make it? what classes should I be signing up for, what tests haven't I done?) I push the anxiety onto my work instead. With all this anxiety it's clear I need the meditation or relaxation classes sooner rather than later!

Ah anxiety, my old friend. Come in, sit down and meet my new friend ... stupid head.

2 if by sea...

my new twinnie friend - the one that has helped me navigate through Dr J and Cornell, gave birth yesterday - to two healthy 7lb babies. And she did it the old fashioned way. I couldn't be more pleased for her. She was really not into having a c-section and whilst giving birth to two kids at once makes me whince and want to curl up in a small ball, she would much prefer that to the whole 'operation' thing.
She also wanted one of each - and she got 'em - a girl and boy. Congrats. C!!

It got me to thinking. What do I want? C-section or as it is referred to on the blogs 'natural childbirth'. I will have to be in the operating room anyway coz of age and twins. ( I still double take when I write the word twin, no pun intended). I think I will prepare for both, that way, whatever happens I can roll with it. You can so tell I have never given birth!

I watch the D>iscovery Channel birth programs and they freak me out. However, one episode was amazing. A nurse was having her 2nd child and wanted to try hypnobirthing. She had the kid with no pain killers or need for petrocin. Now, whilst giving birth she was screaming her head off but it was really quick and afterwards she was so alert and with it. I really admire women that can do stuff like that. Not that I would sign up for it - hell no!! Give me pain killers. I have decided to go to relaxation classes tho. I think it will help with whatever goes on at the hospital. If I go full term I have 22 weeks to go. So realistically I have about 20 if I am lucky. Wow, holy crapoli. I am going to curl up on my bed and start sucking my thumb now!

I hear ya...

I took you're advice and stayed home today. THANK YOU!
So glad I did, I coughed all night. It always goes like that - horrible sore throat then I cough like a sick elephant for three nights and then it's all over. The cats hate me. First it was the nose blowing trumpet and now the hacking monkey act. They look at me like they're thinking ... call me when you're quieter.

I ate all day yesterday ! Started off with chicken noodle soup for lunch, then a veggie sandwich, then a BLT then banana's and lolly pops - oh it was so good. I am actually looking forward to lunch today. Going to an organic soup place a block away on the way to the chemist. I need cough medicine so I shall go ask the chemist. Not that I actually trust the chemist but hey - I did about 3 hours of research last night so I think I am a well informed consumer.

Tonight is acupuncture night, which I am so looking forward to. Apart from the fact that she can cure my sinus problems in a flash she always gets the babies to move and then she looks at me and says " I can feel them... you want to?" I put my hand in the same spot and there they are, like little submerged whales or something, brushing my palm before disappearing. I get to feel lemon butt! The first time I felt them we both burst into tears. She said I looked euphoric!
I am always waiting for the quickening now - is that a muscle pull or ... the quickening? Is that gas or .... the quickening. Sounds like a Steven King novel!

When did you first feel yours and what did it feel like??

on the up and up

I was miserable yesterday. Threw up, temperature, slept only an hour or so at a time. However, now I feel much better and I put it down to my miracle lemons. They are so full of good that they are helping me get better. Usually my sinus infections rage for a few days but this one looks like it is abating day by day. I even ate some chicken noodle soup and a honey sandwich today and so far, so good.

I think I kept DH awake with my amazingly loud snoring - I was so stuffed up. After one tremendous snort I scared the cats vertically into the air. It's taken them the morning to forgive me!!

I don't have a temperature and I am on the mend so I ought to go to work tomorrow. Oh but I don't want to. I feel like we three need more rest. I could get away with another day coz I sound like a '3 pack a day builder'. But... that isn't really kind to those that I work with. Or great for the mounting pile of work on my desk.

What would you do?

sinus infection

Yup, and I am miserable. I usually take OTC meds but after googling it turns out that netti pooty and the saline sprays are really the only option. At least I'm at home, with ice packs and throat lozenges. Ahh poor me! I went out and bought some lovely ice lollies - oh they are super for sore throats and sore heads.

Other than the lollies my appetite has been off and I am just shedding pounds. I think I am down 4 pounds which means I am now at 2 pounds total weight gain in week 17. My doctor will kick my arse if I go in with that weight gain so I tried coconut milk which I was told was great for pregnancy - er ick!!!! Anyone got any nutrition ideas for lack of appetite?

ick - TMI warning

I have weird discharge - it's yellow and thick. Sometimes with little lumps. Is this normal?? freakin' out!

Sunday coffee sunday

Thanks for all the advice and info on maternity leave. I had a good think about it and realised that 2 months full pay is a very lucky and I can make it work. I also have 4 weeks vacation which I can use to hedge my bets before hand. I know I am legally able to take more but financially I can't. My friend in Denmark got 12 MONTHS full pay and equal amounts for her partner. They pay 40% tax but damn, its worth it!! I suppose my biggest worry is being laid off but I can't let that be my primary worry whilst pregnant. It's not good for me or them.

I am trying to ignore all things crappy on this wonderful weekend but one thing that I can't ignore are the demonstrators on the hill throwing racial, sexual and gender insults at the politicians. I don't care what your political beliefs are, that kind of behavior is totally out of order. Assholes.

Deep breath

Where was I? Oh yes, Sunday is a good day. It's the day that I treat myself to a grande decaf cappuccino. And I have sugar in it. Oh yeah, I am THAT wild. I listen to the bells from the local churches. It's also a day when I have the flat to myself (DH works) and I can daydream about my little lemons. I try to imagine the feeding, the diaper changes, the cuddling, their little legs and yummy tummies. I imagine getting them ready for a stroll. Makes me very happy.
I am eager to meet my little lemons.

2 whole weeks of maternity coverage

I spoke to my boss about maternity leave. I stated that I would like to take 3 months off and since I haven't had a pay rise or bonus for .... YEARS ... I would like to stay on full pay. I broke down the time like this - one month will be my vacation, and 6 weeks will be covered by disability since I will probably have a C section so I am asking him for 2 extra weeks of paid coverage.

He agreed as long as I was on call whenever he needed me and that I came into work for the 3rd month on a part time basis. Part time my ass. I know he wants me in the year end strategy session which means I will be sitting in 4 hour meetings at least 3 days a week. I will still be recovering from the damn C Section.

Ah well, at least I have a job I guess. Two months with my babies then back to work. He cited someone that came back after two weeks. Big fucking deal. I am having twins asshole. And I am legally allowed 6 weeks recovery time. 6+4 = 10 - two and half months in my book.

I guess I shall have to swallow that bitter pill and be thankful I am getting two months. Of course, there is problem with this scenario. I will have to be off work BEFORE I give birth. That should be interesting! I shall get a doctors note and then...I think I will have to save some money and go out on unpaid leave.

I will be very surprised if I am still working at my job this time next year. There are rumblings of cut backs and what not. I should start lining up plan b's, 'justincase's. Ahh stress.

Spina Bifida test.

Saw Dr K again. Lemons are doing fine. How she knows this? Not sure. I was with her for less than 10 mins in which time she performed a cervical exam and a belly- sound/ultrasound thing. She then ordered me for a blood test for Spina bifida and anemia. OK. I am guessing its routine at 16 weeks. Right?? Anyone?

I asked the blood technician when results are in.

"At least a week"

I thought .... that sounds like a long time so I asked my doctor

"Call on Monday"

Ah Cornell.

ahhhhhhh

so this was the text I got from my DH today

"baby shoes.. OMG how cute"

I love him so much!


So, I directed a play reading yesterday. I LOVED IT!! I loved being back in the theatre and back with scripts and actors and lights and the jargon that I love. It was a success - big relief. I saw the playwright today and she wants me to direct the play before I give birth. Er. OK.

At the same time, at work today, we were doing succession planning for when I am out. The person organising said "Realistically we have you for another 10 weeks. Then you can't travel and will be uncomfortable on your feet" Doesn't mean I get to not work, but it does mean I will be on 'restricted duty' which in my job means writing lots of articles, speeches etc. Stuff I can do from my bed. And stuff that I can do outside of rehearsal!!!!

I might be able to make this happen. Oh that would be so cool. Am I being totally unrealistic? Yeah, probably. Ah well. I can dream. And you never know. You never know.

quickie

today is a momentous day.

1. took the day off. the whole day and not coz I am sick
2. went back to the gym. oh yes, my friends. I did reps with whopping 10 pounds!!
3. I am directing a play reading with some fairly famous Broadway folks tonight. this is my first theatre thing in 10 years.

AND

BWUB had her delivery and her son is so fine, so healthy and so in her arms. I am totally psyched for her.

twin class 2

Last night was 3 hours of twin class again. This time it was all about when you get the baby home. There were 3 women all at 34 weeks and the rest of us.
The class was in a different part of town. Last time it was SOHO and this time the Upper East Side. The UES is known for super wealthy folks (think Gossip Girl). In reality is has all sorts and has been a family neighbourhood for a long time. It was held in a breast feeding shop that had some really scary shit on the wall, let me tell ya!

Again, the class was very informative. If anyone wants to know which double wide stroller to get just let me know! The people were a trip again.

Crazy older mom: She must have been in her late 40s and was a loony as a tune. She kept blurting things out, twitching and moaning, making inappropriate eye contact (!) and had a necklace worth at least $40K around her neck whilst she looked like a bag lady.

Young and wealthy: She was 21 and had a Marc Jacob/s diaper bag!!! She also had had a shower and every time anyone mentioned anything she would say "oh i have that". Her 29 year old husband worked all through the session on his blackberry AND COMPUTER.

Doc and wife: The couple were lovely - i think he was a doctor and she was totally calm about everything.

That was all fun. However, things between DH and I got a little rocky last night. I think DH may be in a bit of a manic/panic mode. Wouldn't surprise me after 3 hours of twin class but it doesn't help with my anxiety levels. Ah well. It's been a tough week for both of us. I am so glad its the weekend!!

tough times

First of all thank you, all your suggestions were great. I shall get a butterfly necklace and have her daughters name engraved on the back.

Today BWUB is having her baby. I have read every post on her blog throughout her pregnancy. It is totally wild to think today is the day! I wish her all the best and demand photo's soon :-)

I am tired today. I think I am worried, although I am so out of touch with my emotions it could be a something completely different. There has been too much sad news in our lives lately. My friends toddler dying, today my DH lost a colleague who was in his early 20s. A very good friend lost her mother and is deep in the woods on that one.
This makes me think about our lemons. What happens if... And how can we afford to do this? NY is so expensive. I know I am worrying coz I am tired. And yet.

ON the up side, the expense will make me more fiscally responsible. that's a good thing. and the best bits of having kids is the fun not the funds (that's a good advertising line). Maybe I will move into a less stressful more functional group at work?
And I have the lemons, which is all that matters.

I have a break this afternoon, I think I shall take a nap!

Help needed

A colleague (not someone I know very well but who helped me when I really needed help getting over a miscarriage) lost her little daughter this week.

I was thinking there must be something I could do more than just send flowers. Does anyone have any ideas?

U/S day

I love seeing the lemons. They are kicking the crap out of each other at the moment. One looks bigger but we couldn't really get to the one on the bottom so we don't really know. They are either both 15w or one is 15w and the other 14w. Either way, they are strong and funny as a rabbit's arse, as we say in Yorkshire. Hands, legs, heads, bellies .... it all looks good to me, can't wait to kiss every part of them.

I dreamt that I was in the kids bedroom and one of them was in front of me. I reached out and cupped his soft blond hair in my hand. It felt so real, I jerked awake. What a ride this all is.

We have been doing our tax preparation. Like everyone else out there that I read this morning it caused problems on the home front. The arguments were basically along the lines of ' holy crap did we spend some cash on getting knocked up'. The good thing is that we spent over 10% of our income which means some of it is tax deductible. DH is freaking out about how much we spent. I couldn't care less. What the hell else would we spend it on?? We are getting all the baby stuff second hand through the twins network, they are going to public school and then over to the UK for university. Not that I plan much!

An I met a wonderful women today that has guided me through everything post Cornell. She is 34 weeks and looks amazing! Full of life and wonderfully round. It's so good to see someone excited and into the whole thing. I owe her so much and can only thank her from the bottom of my heart.

And the winner is...

I had to tell someone that I was pregnant that who has boundary issues. I really didn't want to tell her because it means I have to start pushing back, setting boundaries etc and that just pisses me off. She yelled "oh wow, I'm gonna be an aunt". Er, we aren't related and also .... what!!!!! Who does that! We are inviting friends to be aunties and uncles (instead of god parents) but she doesn't know that. She just assumed her involvement in our kids lives. Right now she lives in London. Please let her meet someone who hates to fly and keeps her totally occupied.
And my husband isn't too keen on her being in our apartment!!!
Ohh, interesting times ahead.

All we have to do now is get through the pregnancy. And at this rate I will be as fat as a fat cow with weight issues. I'm not eating a huge amount and I have gone off chocolate (shocking) but my weight keeps creeping up. I am trying to exercise but I am so crap lately. I haven't exercised at all today. I started out for a 10 block walk. Ended up jumping in a cab and shopping for tonight's munchies!! Oscar red carpet watch. Jewels, dresses and vapid inane chatter - oh I can't wait.

And the winner is.. my two babies that are now the size of a lemon.

The past, present and future.

The second twin class is NEXT Friday. Duh. I have serious pregnancy brain.

So, my lovelies, today is a day of remembering and projecting. My husband lost all his family over the years and his great grandparents to his parents had stuff that he keeps in the safe box. Today we looked at wedding rings with dates like, 1900, 1933 and the like. A lovely old watch from 1920. The stuff isn't like Rocka.fella stuff but it has all the history we can tell our little ones about where they come from. German passports with yellow stars stamped on them. Name changes at Ellis Island. That sort of thing. It was amazing to sit there and travel through time.

Then we went to his godparents in NJ. They gave him away at the wedding and are just the most supportive loving people. We went over for brunch and there were enough bagels to feed a small army!! This time we came away with yet another bag brimming with home-made food and two pillows. They were hand sewn by my husbands grandmother (or great grandmother). They are just beautiful. One is a colourful flower motif and the other is a blue lattice style. I'll use them in some way as baby things. Not baby pillows clearly, but perhaps motifs or something.

So that leads me to the future. We have been through a few decorating ideas and reconfiguring of the apartment to fit the nursery in. It looks like we have come across a solution to let us all fit in the space that is really 'home' and comfortable. Home. With my lovely husband, two old cats and two little ones. I hope I never take any of this for granted.

Twins in the city

I went to my first twin class yesterday. 16 people (sorry 15, DH couldn't make it!) from 6.30pm to 9.30pm led by a vivacious and very old school New York type women in a cool space in SOHO.

I did learn a great deal but that isn't what this post is about.

I have to tell you about the people in the group, one couple in particular who where hilarious.

So, there I was, clad in Eileen Fisher coz it's the only thing I had that was clean and comfortable. With the exception of a young couple in their 20s, we where all 30's, 40's and one women looked like she was in her late 40s. GOOD ON HER!

My concerns were mostly medical - what can I do about post partum depression, especially since I am prone to anxiety? Do I have to have a CSection? To doula or not to doula?
Then there was hippy couple. Cotton clad and concerned for about all things organic. Poor momma had round ligament pain at was 31 weeks and had to lay on the floor. Her hubbie was clearly weary of all the helping her up but put on a brave face for the crowd. Then there was the Japanese couple who said very little but when they did where funny, self depreciating and a pleasure to be with. The guy was so proud to be a dad-to-be!

Now for the others...
Least offensive of the offensive crowd was "Tod and Jilly'. Jilly was 28 weeks and clad in L.ulu L.emon. Perfect little bump, perfect fake messy hair, expensive track shoes and subtle but very sparkly bling. Tod was in a pink shirt (sorry, what is with that) and was just 'super', everything was just 'super' and he couldn't wait to get the little ones out to the Hampton's and hopes they don't have the same issue as last year when their nanny didn't want to live in the Hampton's for the summer (I was left with a little bit of puke in my mouth after that comment)

But the award goes to 'SuperDuper' couple. Him: chalk grey pin stripe suit with fancy socks and the most expensive phone I have ever seen, what looked like real ivory glasses, legs crossed with sprawling arms and attitude to make you want to poor coffee down his pants. Her: 28 weeks pregnant. 4 inch heels, sheer black stockings, little black dress and rolex watch. His main concern: why are the toys so ugly? Hers: what's the best way to get the 3 month olds to Rome in the summer?

I burst out laughing.

Do I sound horribly judgemental? Well, I am. Actually she wasn't that bad. I think she dressed like that to please him. He was so self important and so mean. He said how he couldn't wait to throw out her maternity pillow and 'garb'. WHAT AN ASSSSSSS

Everyone wanted to know about the latest strollers, the best cribs, where to hire 'the staff". Everyone except me and the young couple next to me who nearly fainted when SuperDuper asked " should we have two night nannies and two day nannies or just one night nanny and two day nannies?"

I had to leave when the school talk started. Designer dude wanted to know if he should send both children to the same private school or separate schools. Since he has one daughter already he is talking about paying $100K a year for educating three small children.

Who are these people?? It was like spotting a rare bird that you thought never existed.

I love New York. Most of the people I meet and know are kind and considerate. Most of the people I know send their kids to public schools and think very highly of the education their kids are getting. Most of the parents I know wouldn't dream of spending $4000 on cribs. It was like watching S.ex in the City - entertaining and nothing to do with real life.

I have the second class tonight and this time we are meeting in the Upper East Side. Oh this is gonna be hilarious!!

Ob visit #2

Saw Dr K again today. The little ones looked fine, flipping all around. Didn't get to see them for very long and didn't get a picture either. But I did get to see them.

My platelet measured just a tad low. 149 and they like over 150. So, retest and wait and see. Everything is groovy. No diabetes etc. Blood pressure is good. I am having my thyroid tested just to be sure.

I asked her if she recommends home dopplers and she vehemently said "oh no, they cause more pain than pleasure". Mind you, this is the same doctor that didn't see the point of a having a Doula because I will be having a C section. The point, my dearest doctor, is to help the WHOLE family cope with two new living things and all the freakin' stress!! Bet she doesn't like cats!

So, touch wood, things are stable. And we got the OK to travel, even plane travel. So I may persuade my DH that a weekend in the Bahamas would be just the thing. He is really nervous about going anywhere ... just in case. It's amazing how IF effects us all differently. We are both travelers, love the open road and adventure yet he only wants to go to Washington DC for our weekend away .. just in case.
I am cautious in a different way. I am spending less time reading IF blogs, less time interacting with the IF world. Just in case... just in case I have to write the dreaded post. The one where everything went wrong and its all over.

DH wants to stay close to home and I want to run away!!

Nothing fits.

I am in a very odd 'in between' phase. My regular clothes are too tight. My maternity clothes are too big. Nothing fits.. just right. Doing my head in.
The sizing for maternity clothes is a joke. Size 1 - tiny. Size 2 - gigantic!

And WHY OH WHY do all the damn sleeves have to be puffy??? I look like a damn football player in drag! And the V-neck shirts. I am amply blessed and even I don't fill out the v-necks.

I give up!!

I've gone back to ordering a size up from my normal size in regular clothes and having them altered. I think when I am back to normal I shall treat myself to new clothes. Mine are looking a bit ragged.

Didn't sleep at all last night due to cats jumping all over me continuously. So snuck home for a lunchtime nap!!
We have our first twin class tonight. Really looking forward meeting other couples in the same situation.

unzz'd

I have worked it out. I need to get 12 hours sleep or else I am knackered all day. Yes, it appears I am some sort of idiot when it come to all things pregnant!! Eat more, sleep more and all is well. Although, I will ask Dr K for a thyroid test and an anemia test.

I walked 15 blocks to work today. Slowly but surely. I do enjoy getting a little bit of exercise in. It actually makes me happy.

OK. Off to endless meetings about shyte that really doesn't matter.

Other than that, just preggers. :-)

zzzzzzzzz

I am tired today. Ohh ya. Got up for my 845am doctors appointment only to be told its next week -doh! I wonder if I am not eating enough or taking enough vitamins or something. Tired, hair falling out and had an enormo zit this morning out of nowhere! I have started taking an iron supplement coz anemia runs in my family. Anyone else feel/felt like this?

I have had a few moments of 'donor realisation'. I see women with babies that are clearly made from their genetic pool and it hits me that our little ones are not. It gives me pause but doesn't make me sad. I know I shall love them and go all gushy over them. But still. I think, what of me would they have manifest?
To be honest, they are still somewhat unreal in there. I know I'm preggers but its only when I see them that I get all 'mommabear' like. The rest of the time its a low level anxiety and low level awareness. And an aching need for coffee injected directly into a main artery.

Last night, coz I was so tired, Dh agreed to watch English TV on the bed. We cuddle up and he starts to stroke my hair. I fell asleep and snored through the whole murder mystery!!!!