Oh dear.

I usually don't write about DH in any depth coz I figure that if he wants to chat about it, well he'd have his own blog! However, we have hit a road bump.

He had a sperm test this am and DrJ phoned me almost the moment she got the count (couldn't get hold of DH). His sperm count is extremely low. It has never been this low. He is freaked out. I just am resigned to shit happening, I guess.

Dh has to go for some tests tonight but they take 2 weeks to come back. If DRJ suggests waiting, I'm not sure DH will be into it from the IMs that DH sent this morning!

I guess its a wait and see situation. And a whopping great bill.

I was so happy after Saturday's visit to Dr J and my three stripes. Seems like we are never allowed to move forward. It's like a great big game of shoots and ladders.

Awww shit.

And I was just getting a little excited about 'maybe'.

glorious day ...

... seriously, glorious outside. It's sunny and cold. My absolute favourite time of year. I am sipping, OK gulping, Blue Door coffee that I got in San Francisco last week (its so good but I have to go cold turkey some time soon) with a cat purring and pushing her soft as silk self against my bloated belly (thanks Estrace!). I love this.

Anyway, I digress. Off I go. Back to San Fransisco. Before we canceled the Vermont trip I had 35 hours of travel this week. Now I have 25 hours. So since I have such a glut of free time this week, I asked the conductor at choir if I could be part of the big Christmas concert next Friday and Sat. He has a very strict rule that if you miss more than 3 rehearsals - your out. Well, I ducked out of rehearsals coz of the Vermont trip and thought I had no chance. But...he agreed. I get to sing. I am frikkin delighted!!! I fly back Tuesday afternoon and go to a rehearsal then dress rehearsal on Thursday and then perform Friday and Sat. I love the Christmas concert. I love the 1000+ people in the 1800C church on Broadway. I love the Saturday fun after the concert with everyone giddy and pleased with themselves.

I have decided to experience the concert as a personal celebration. It is my celebration of a year well survived. At the beginning of the year of IVF we had decided to do one round and then on to adoption. hahahahahahaha. Yeah, ok that didn't quite plan out. This year has been emotionally and physically hard. Yet. At the end of it I am more in love with my Dh than before, we have rediscovered intimacy after we lost it to 'babymaking', I have found that I can lose weight even when I am faced with hormone mayhem and emotional devastation.
Most of all, you guys. I have experienced profound support from complete strangers. You guys, that have gone through much more than I, more deeper despair and grief, much more daily challenges and yet you are always there. You taught me how to be generous and proud, how to hold on and help others.

So, on Friday at 8pm and Sunday at 3pm, I shall be singing in praise of you guys. The most generous and kind women I have ever had the honour to be guided and supported by.

Christmas might be early this year.

I had an amazing Dr J session today. She told me the biopsy was positive - I did indeed have polyps which she had successfully removed . Then she turned the machine towards me and there, on the screen, was something I have never seen before- 3 stripes. 3 frikkin stripes. I have them, I saw them for the first time.

"Oh very nice, yes, very nice, super" Dr J talks to herself (but out loud) as she scans the screen.

Then we sit down and talk dates.

Can you see me next Sat? If you can see me we have Donor retrieval 12th or 14th.

Ahhhhhhh!!!!!


Yes, I totally can. I will be here with bells on my little Polish nutcake. (note to self: cancel Vermont)

So there we are.

And guess what - she doesn't like her patients doing their own IM shots. So after the retrieval she wants me on bed rest for 7 days (HOLY COW) and the nurse comes the the house and does the shots for me. Even less stress for DH since he hates giving the shots. I asked why bed rest for 7 days.

"In New York we're busy all the time, we are rushing around and especially at the holiday times. So, you stay in bed, you rest, your body temperature remains constant and your heart beat is regular. All good for implantation"

That actually makes sense to me!

So folks we will know by Christmaas Day if we have been lucky this time or not. I am terrified of the not, if I am being honest. Terrified. But I know that I survived that last not and if it happens again - I'll survive again.
And if it works? Oh man. What a Christmas. What a Christmas!!

11 Madis.on

Every year DH and I go for a really great meal at one of the amazing places here in NYC. One year it was a sushi restaurant that cost the same amount as a ticket to Japan!! This year we decided on 11 Madis.on - a restaurant with a totally amazing chef. I was expecting good things. I was hoping for white tablecloth, fawning servers, fancy clothing type thing.

I was not disappointed.

Oh man, the food. the food, the food, the food. Stuff I can't pronounce but oh so amazing. We sat upstairs overlooking the main dining room and ate ourselves back to a time when we weren't coping with losses and disappointment. I toasted DH's amazing support and love, he just sat and tried not to cry. Ahh creatives!

In the afternoon we went to see the Fantastic Mr Fox with friends - amazing - go!!

I had a lovely day. A really lovely day.

...

All day, deep down in my brain, I missed my kids. Where are they????

Happy Thanksgiving

travel travel travel

So my client is a pain in the arse. He wants me in San Fran one day a week for two weeks. My travel schedule look like this:

Sunday fly to SF,
Tue fly to NYC,
Thu drive to Vermont,
Sat drive to NYC,
Sun fly to SF,
Tue fly to NYC.

and what, you may ask is supposed to start in the middle of all that ....??? Ah yes, MY FRIKKIN DE CYCLE

So I called the infamous Dr J.

" Oh, EB, please, do not worry. Your donor is ready and waiting for you. I will see you on your return and we will go full steam ahead after you get back from SF"

!

What if I need to go to SF in the cycle?

"Oh you worry! So there are dates you must not travel (transfer) but apart from that we will accommodate you".


Am I in a version of the IF twilight zone.

This makes me a very happy patient. Even if this thing doesn't work, I am less stressed now than throughout the past 12 months! It even makes me .... a tiny little bit hopeful. Just a tiny bit.
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Anyone know what has happened to cyclesista's?? I can't find the site? Did they close down?

Lighter shades of pale

ok, feeling better now. I know - it is the oddest thing. Too little sleep - EB = debbie downer. One night of sleep = wagging like a good one.

I went to my support group last night and they were eager to know what was going on. One women really suprised me. She said " I admire that you have stuck to something, to this something, for so long. You are exceptional"

I hadn't thought if it like that. I was thinking more along the victim lines. Ah woe is me, I am captured by this IF. I am here by choice though. It is my choice to continue seeking medical intervention. It helped me buck and shut up and my lovely freind would say.


Dr Jessie amazed me yesterday. I was supposed to see her on the 30th. I now have to be in San Fran on the 30th so I called to see if I could see her any other time. I was told the office was closed from Thanksgiving to 30th so it would have to be Thursday after. Oh, says I, I am in Vermont. They called me back, Dr Jessie will see me on the 28th - she is opening her office to see me. She lives miles away - way out nr the ocean somewhere and she is coming in to treat me.
Wow.

Am I blue?

or just over tired? I had a really busy weekend and here I sit, Monday morning unable to think or move. Maybe its the estrogen I started taking? Anyone?

I feel like someone let the air out. I guess it's coz I just got another revised travel schedule and I am traveling again on Sunday back to San Fran. The only flight they could get me on was a 6.45pm flight. Yikes! I will be knackered by the time I get there. I shall have some meetings on Monday, diner with the client and either get the red eye back or a day flight on Tuesday. Then on Thursday we drive to Vermont (5 hours). Ugh. I used to travel like this and more but that was before a gruelling year of IVF and failure.

Ah well, at least I get this Thursday off. Yippee- Thanksgiving. Lovely food, a movie and a 'no baggage' attached national holiday. Since I am not from this culture I have no negative associations with the holiday. I get to enjoy it just like kids do. This year we are having an early lunch at 11 Madiso.n (oh yeah baby) and then a film with friends later on in the evening. Looks like I might have to work on Friday (boo) but at least I can work from home.

and in honour of Thanksgiving (and in order to get my wag on) a little humor ...

How does a Turkey drink wine? In a gobble-let

Anyone else??

Mea Culpa

Here I sit, head hung in shame.

I may have been a little overly dramatic with my descriptions yesterday*. It was all a bit surprising (we had this penciled in for Monday) but the nurses and staff were very caring - they sat me down and made sure I was ok to leave.

And as for Dr J. have I mentioned she is Polish and I used to live there? She is treating me as if I am a Pole which is a compliment in that cold far away country, just translates poorly. And when you are really stoned - well, rusty Polish doesn't really help! Her bedside manner sucks and she is totally uncommunicative (which I was warned by an ex-patient) but so far she has gotten me further than the CRnl group. She removed a couple of polyps that she had to point out to me - across the first line there were three small lumps. She thinks this is what is hindering things. I hope she's right.

So, my dearest friends, thank you. thank you for all your messages and outrage on my behalf. I am so sorry to have played the drama queen card so recklessly and hope you will forgive me.

*(execpt the ouch fuckety fuck ouch bit - it did really hurt!!).

Day tripper

So there I am, Dr J's office at 9 am. Actually I got there late coz they are NEVER on time so why should I be. After 10 mins the crappy nurse yells my name (HIPPA be damned apparently) and yells "Sono" after. She was around the corner from the waiting room at this time so I just assumed her meaning. Nice manners you got there.

Anyhow - Dr J comes in, wand goes up and she says 'still there'. I am thinking she does not mean my uterus but the polyps. She opens the door and yells shit in Polish. Then super nurse comes in with an injection.
"what's that? "
"local"
"what for"
"in case its needed" (oh yeah duh, stupid me)

Dr J pops the liquid in my arm and ..... i... am.... totally.... stoned.....
Then OUCH the fuckity fuck ouch.
She not only 'cleans' my uterus up she take the biopsy for the co-culture.
'Stay, till not dizzy' she mutters.
"Fuck off", says I to no-one. I get up too quickly and get dressed. She hands me a prescription and out I go.
Bit like every Saturday morning when I was a teenager - without the $20K price tag and medical procedures.

And that is that till November 30th.

Question: what has happened to cyclesista??

sunny side up

Decided against the cleanse - the first shake tasted like crap!! So I had a healthy three cups of coffee (blue door coffee from SF) and will grab some lunch at some time today.

Feeling much more chipper today after a good nights sleep. Amazing what sleep deprivation does to me. I am such a sensitive soul. I weighed myself this am and i have only gained one pounds which can be easily lost with some long walks and good choices. I decided to give myself a break till the end of the year. maintain where I am, not gain and then when January comes around I can see what's what.

I get sudden bursts of excitement about the DE cycle. Something has changed, for sure. It's like I realized that this time around the percentage of chance is much lower (for no reason I can determine, but there you go) so it's like "hey, what the hell, give it a go". Last time I was so determined to be successful. Laughable in its arrogance. Oh well. I suffered the punishment of that arrogance that's for sure. I also keep thinking, somewhere out there a teenager is shagging her boyfriend standing on one leg (coz that means you don't get preggers right?) and they are making my little one. My little one is being created right now and they know I am coming for them. We know we are meant to be together. When they look at me, they will sense my heart is theirs. When I look at them, my heart will start beating for the first time.


Random thought....
I watched a documentary on the plane. SOLO. It was about this chap, And.rew M.cAuley, an extreme adventurer who attempted to kayak across the stretch of water between Australia and New Zealand. To put it in some perspective the trip took about 30 days and there were NO other vessels out there coz the ocean is too rough. Too rough for those enormous tracking ships or navy vessels. He was advised by the coast guard and everyone he knew not to do it for the sake of his wife and son.
Andrew was lost at sea within sight of the New Zealand coast. He most probably died from hypothermia/drowning due to exhaustion when his Kayak capsized.

His best friend, another adventurer, explained that this need ... to cross the water, to conquer the challenge, to undergo the extreme adventure was not adventuring but a weakness. it was a weakness because he put his own life before his family.
Thought that was interesting.

nearing the next time

I met some close colleagues in SF for a quick drink before yet another diner. Within moments we were discussing TTC, IVF, DE, and I had no idea they were trying! I thought - wherever you go there we are!!

So here we are. Back in NY and nearing the end of the mock cycle. It all feels a bit unreal, a bit distant from me. This time next month we will be nearing transfer. I hope it's as uninvolved as the mock. That would rock! I need to get my head in the game a bit though. I am eating too many carbs and way too much sugar, too much coffee and too little sleep. I am soooo off the weight watchers discipline. That has to change. I will not gain weight. I may do a cleanse tomorrow.
I feel stuck. My weight is stuck, I'm on the round about again - mocks, cycles, doctors and I can't see the end. I am having sharp pains in my left side - cramps but sharp - ovulation? I guess. I want to move off the round about, want to go forward but don't believe I will at the moment. Must remember- December 31st is the last day of TTC.

Elizabeth- thinking of you and Will. I hope all is stable and you both get to come home really soon. All my love to you and yours.
EB

Gone fishing...

Hey all. I am in sunny San Francisco - it really is a lovely city. Everywhere I go I see pregnant women which I am taking as a sign :-)
trying to be good withthe food but oh! So hard.
Back home on Thursday so I'll post later in the week.

Dr 'Sim.pson' doing good.

I know I have written about my lack of faith in my new RE since she is so much like the Dr from the Simpsons. Well, she has redeemed herself. The L.upron bleeding has revealed polyps which is why the embies had a hard time in my u-tube. Cornel.l you SUCK. She says they are easy to treat (if they don't release on their own) next weekend. She has put me on Folic Acid only (very high dose) since some of the stuff in the prenatal (iron it think) is not too helpful for polyp people like me.

So. There we are. Something different.

Oh and another thing. THE DONOR SAID YES!!! We are on for December. I don't want to jinx all this but crapola monkey we may be finished by December end of year. We may be transferring near New Years which is perfect for me - New Years Eve in bed, eating pineapple (but not too much) drinking soup and watching black and white movies.

And for the first time I am excited about the transfer. Maybe we can do the transfer get pregnant and adopt all next year. An apartment full of kids and those cute kid clothes. And diapers. And poop. OK. Maybe just the transfer!!

Hamlet for dummies

Went to Ju.de La.w in Hamlet last night. I was told by friends that have already seen it not to expect too much. It was kinda good. They took a few liberties with the script but on the whole Mr Jud.e was very watchable. It was like Hamlet for dummies.

Ophelia was totally crap though. Holy hell in a hand basket make her stop!!!! She sang the madness songs like she was in a ancient version of Re.nt and her idea of madness is wide eyes and shaking head.


She should inject L.upro.n for a year and then do the frikkin scene. Madness is not wide eyed distraction. It's desperate and all encompassing. It's desire for something so unattainable that you can think of nothing else, speak of nothing else, be nothing else other than this body of desire. Madness is knowing one thing but feeling something completely else. It is looking at the faces of those you love only to wonder why you love them, why you chose them, why they love you if you cannot keep life alive in you. Madness is paying for all the treatments even after you promised yourself once was enough. Madness is the addiction to treatment. Madness is the bills, piling up and straining every resource you have. Madness is holding your stomach and imagining for only a second that all is possible only to realise that there is no child in your body, no life to protect that is not your own.

Madness is success, hearing the heartbeat and feeling the life whilst everyday struggling to protect your thoughts from the deepest fears of loss felt all too often, pain felt with regular normality and depression so profound that breathing is a choice.


Would I prefer to be the mom of the first pregnancy I had. Yes. But I am not. I miscarried and many time again. So, this IF journey has made me mad and through that madness I feel free and strong. Hamlet may be the hero of Shakespeare's play but for the first time in my life I feel that I am the hero of my story. As are you of yours.

Spinal compression

What now? Oh yes, I have spinal compression again. It's the Lup 'i hate EB lets sock it to her' ron and I have had it before so no panic. Lots yoga and slow walking. It's a great excuse not to do any weights at the gym which means I have to do all the weird Pilate's and stretchy yoga that is on offer there. Did I mentioned I am built like an English rugby player?? Me doing yoga is positively hilarious. Like the hippo from a Disney cartoon.

So here I am. Half way through my mock and I have started to worry. What do I know about the donor - do we have a donor! I haven't had any blood tests for E2 etc . I am seeing her Dr J on Sat so I shall write a list of questions to go through with her. I am not really talking to DH about how I feel or side effects etc. I think he would prefer to just let it all disappear for a few weeks. Don't blame him. Neither one of us are talking about 'when we are pregnant in January', in fact we haven't even gone as far as 'if this happens' coz I think we both expect it not to. All we do talk about is adoption - the worry of the kids rejecting us when they get old enough to suss us out, the biological family being nuts and causing nothing but mayhem in our lives and the big one, the one we haven't spoken about for any real time, how we feel about not having biological children.

We go to Vermont the first week in December for the Friends in Adoption workshop (thanks Kate!!) so maybe that will be the time to have those discussion.

And one last thing; thanks for all the lovely messages welcoming me home. I must say, you guys make a whole world of difference in my life. The support, comradeship and empathy.

AN AWARD!!

Look! I got an award yesterday. "so much for simple and easy" nominated me. THANKS! I love getting awards - validation junkie that I am.






Rules

1. You can only use one word!
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers.
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!

Answers
1. Where is your cell phone? desk
2. Your hair? styled
3. Your mother? hippie
4. Your father? physicist
5. Your favorite food? carby
6. Your dream last night? Obama
7. Your favorite drink? tea!!
8. Your dream/goal? theatre
9. What room are you in? office
10. Your hobby? singing
11. Your fear? anxiety
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? motherhood
13. Where were you last night? sitting room
14. Something that you aren’t? mean
15. Muffins? Yes
16. Wish list item? - 10 pounds,
17. Where did you grow up? Yorkshire, UK
18. Last thing you did? advised
19. What are you wearing? suit
20. Your TV? too big
21. Your pets? furry-purries
22. Friends? invaluable
23. Your life? on-going
24. Your mood? on-going
25. Missing someone? kids - where ever they are
26. Vehicle? Feet
27. Something you’re not wearing? a thong - I mean why!!
28. Your favorite store? none
29. Your favorite color? green
30. When was the last time you laughed? a moment ago
31. Last time you cried? a moment ago
32. Your best friend? Husband
33. One place that I go to over and over? Yorkshire UK
34. One person who e-mails me regularly? someone called SPAM ALERT
35. Favorite place to eat? outdoors


And I nominate -
K from Inveritas (but K, you don't need to fill the form out till you feel better!!)
BWUB
Elizabeth from Liams World
Late for a very important pregnancy
Can you Imagine
Dreams and False Alarms.

SIL story

to get to where my family lives we have to undergo the following 'lord of the rings' journey

We can only take a night flight and it takes off at 7pm. We at 7am. We then walk to the train station (30 mins) and then we take a two hour train journey. Once we arrive at the train station we only have another one hour in the car to reach the family homestead.

At this point I am sleep deprived, feel like crap and cold, oh so cold. We sit in my brothers house and it is dark and raining. One lamp is on. gloooooomy. But what is more amazing is that the heating is not on. I am in a down coat but shivering. My nephew is sitting next to me chattering away as he plays on my Iphone and the SIL walks in. She says hi to her son and then makes herself a cup of tea and a sandwich.

She sits down and answers a few questions from my mum (who is babysitting) and then demands that her son stops paying the game and sits by her.

At this point, she hasn't said hello or offered us any food or drink. We have been up for about 20 hours.

I smile at my nephew who is sitting on her lap but trying to get my attention

"Aren't you lovely, aren't you handsome" she says to her son "you got that from my side of the family"

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh yes. For the rest of our trip we saw her only once. We paid for diner so naturally she attended. The whole point of the visit was to go to Bonfire Night but she decided not to come!!!

Oh its all fun and games with family, right.

-----------------------------------------------
Had my second L.upron shot today. Haven't had any blood work but I guess that is just how they rock at the Simpson/s clinic!! The only time they are proactive is when you don't pay!!

Oh for the love of cheese ...

Breakthrough bleeding. Ya, really heavy breakthrough bleeding that started two hours before the seven hour night flight to the UK. We get to the $300 a night hotel and there is no shop for.. well, you know. We have to go over a really busy road to the local supermarket for our ... my needs and boy is it dark, wet and cold.

They only have the little ones ... of everything. Oh yes, I am in Europe where women don't sweat (only perspire) and clearly no-one has a real period.

Although I stressed a little it didn't matter too much. I still swam in the really lovely pool, hot tubed and rested up. My crazy eccentric family didn't disappoint and my wonderful DH put up with all that and my anxiety levels shooting through the roof every so often.

I come from a dark, cold and wet place. I love visiting, especially because my nephew is getting older and he is so much fun. But boy, is it good to be home!!!!!! I an no longer of that place. Here is home, with him.

Tomorrow I get Lupron shot 2. Dr Jessie is pleased I am bleeding - thinks it will thin out my lining and she told me not to worry. I see her on Saturday. I'm not worried. I couldn't care less. All the way home I daydreamed about being on the plane with our little adopted kids. I day dreamed about bags with toys and sleepy heads resting on my shoulder and about getting them home, the cats running up to welcome them home. Would it be great to be preggers with my husbands baby. Yes, of course. But after 4 days with my lovely but wacky family adoption looks really attractive right now!!!!

SIL didn't disappoint. More of her later.

Hope you are all well.

54321... liftofffffff

Well, here we are. 4pm and my workday is almost done. I am almost on vacation!! OH MY GOD vacation. When was my last real vacation? Maine for 3 days? Can't remember. I will be run off my feet tomorrow trying to get everything ready to fly in the evening but thats ok. I like the panic and running around coz that means I am exhausted for the crappy coach set overnight.

I shall enjoy my trip coz I think the L.upron is wearing off and I will get to breath fresh air, walk on green mossy moors, eat fresh organic food and exercise like a mad women at the hotel gym. I am going to enjoy this vacation like a prisoner on weekend release.

I shan't really have a chance to read or comment - we will be in the sticks. Shelly I hope you get a surprise in the next few days. BWUB I hope you post more hilarious stories about your SIL (Vermin in the freezer) and K - I'm thinking of you and sending 'get well soon' vibes (what is hyperthingy anyway?).

Bye all, read you soon.

Monday frikkin Monday

Why oh why oh why does the weekend speed by? I am shattered still, from my Halloween festivities. I long for a beach with sun and long long days of sleeping and swimming and sunning myself. Ahhh beach.

I look old today. Great big panda eyes and saggy skin. I know lots of this is the Lup.ron. I know this is all for a good cause but couldn't I look gorgeous while doing this?? Is that too much to ask??

Side effects questions
1. Does anyone 'click' while on EL? If I twist or turn I pop and l click like a skeleton.
2. I thought I was supposed to get dry 'down there' but er..not so much
3. Tired. oh so tired - anyone else?


I have a two day work week this week. Then Wednesday we fly to Europe. It is only a weekend but it will be so good to be away. I shall pop over to Saks this lunchtime to look for a new coat (all mine are too big now) and a hat & gloves for my nephew.

OK. So this is it. My favourite time of the year is here. Halloween to New Years.
Even tho it is a little forced, I got my wag on!!!
WAG ON ...

no good deed ...

I put on my costume last night and thought - what am I? I had a long purple sparkly shift dress on and a very odd hat, purple face and "sparkle". Well, it turned out that I was a sea creature. Along with my fellow sea creatures we were attached via a long cape like thing to a women on stilts who was the head sea creature. And I had dance backwards to Brazilian music.

Now, I am by nature an introvert, I d not like crowds, dancing or making a show of myself. Why then did I agree to be in the parade. DH asked me. The parade started at 7pm We got there around 530pm. Everyone was stressing and I tried to just smile and think happy thoughts. We finally got attached to our prima donna stilts walker. The guy to my right was Brazilian and could dance his ass off. The guy to my left was a model/ ex banker with a 6 foot stunning Brazilian girlfriend! All the press swarmed around them which wouldn't have been too bad if I wasn't tethered to the good looking nightmares.

Then it started raining. pouring. I was soaked, cold, tired and had to dance to a Brazilian percussion trio dressed like Micheal Jackson. WHA????

Stilts walker took a tumble two blocks from the end (which is the beginning - don't ask) so we got to be untethered (she was fine) while she yelled at the model couple for tripping her up. HA HA HA HA

DH was in a FOUL mood (I don't like being cold and wet" well, buddy this was your frikkin idea) and by the time we got home I just wanted a shower and my bed.

I'm glad I did it even if it did suck. We have great photo's for our adoption packet!!!! I dedicate my dancing sea creature to us all, the women of IF. The shit we have to go through just to get to the starting line.