Family loss and gains.

The national holidays are tough. We have no 'real' family around to celebrate with. My DH's remaining family (a very distant uncle) lives in the CA and of course, my folks are in the UK. We had a lovely time (till I got food poisoning!) but all the same the folks we visit are 'fitting us in' to their family packed weekend.

I can see it in my DH's face, the feeling of loss. He misses his mum even tho she died twenty years ago. He was only 25 at the time and it was a totally unexpected. The day she died he went to his mum's house, climbed into her bed and stayed there for quite some time. On the holiday weekends I can see that immense sadness just behind his eyes. He looks at the kids and there are tears in his eyes. When they are crying and we are tired, I see him wish for a grandparent to come and take up the strain, to tell him that he's doing OK and it will all be fine.
His dad died about ten years ago. Although they lived close to one another in those final years, his father was very distant. I can't write too much about him because I'm too angry at his treatment of Dh.

Of course, Pip and Mimi are filling his heart more and more everyday. Mimi crawled forwards this weekend and he acted like she just learnt to write Russian! Pip just loves his dad. They make faces and farting noises all day long. My boys.

I hope that one day, his love and our love and the kids love will temper the depth of loss of his parents. Unlock it and help it fade. I doubt it though. I think grief is something we build on, not disassemble. 

Prrrrrrrr.

Go on, ask me. Ask me how much weight  I lost this week.

4.6 pounds.

MORE THAN LAST WEEK :))))))

So, in two weeks I have lost 9 pounds. I'm like the cat that got the strawberry's and cream.

Hope you are having a great Memorial Day weekend.

Germ warfare

Mimi has the cold now. She is snuffling and whimpering and wiping her nose on me every chance she gets. So lovely. So not getting any sleep again.

I have used it to my advantage tho. There was a big work pow wow and everyone that has been a dick to me over the past year got a kiss on the cheek. Not only is it dreadfully passive aggressive it's also a fine way to spread Mimi germs. Ha! Take that,  dicko's!

Sleep Yoga

Little boy has a cold. Sunday night was brutal with the hourly screaming festival - think of a sadistic cookoo clock and a heart broken mamma and that was Sunday night.  Of course, I had to work on Monday and barely made it through the day (5 strong coffee's helped) and then to bed at 8ish. Is there anything as sweet as getting into bed when you are totally knackered. I looked at the clock in the middle of the night and it read 4.37am and I was almost in tears thinking 'made it'.

Mimi is really a 'zen' sleeper. She starts on her back, then curls around and draws Gem (teddy) to her and as the night progresses she does this 'bum in the air' thing that makes me melt.

Pip however curls, sprawls and everything in between. He does sleep yoga!! I was thinking that we should write a little story about it - pretend 'how to' or self help book.

What are you all doing for Memorial weekend? What is there to do with infants in NY? Any ideas?

My first 5K... our first 5K

We sped past the finish line in a staggering 27.59mins... oh wait I mean 59. 27mins!!!! There were tons of people and try as I might, a double stroller gets you stuck in the slow as crap lane. You know what - I loved it. I found a couple of friends that were walking and we spent most of the time cracking up. I did a slow jog home which gave me a mile or so work out. 

What a blast.

 

I have a race bib!!! Me!!! My kids have a mum with a race bib. 

Mimi and Pip were amazing. They slept most of the way around and although we have major teething today no screaming or unhappiness. 

So, we did our first 5K. Next weekend we are going to do the course again but without the sea of people. I would like to know what its like to actually you know, run the course! 

A for effort

I lost 4.4 lb's this week. Did I go to the gym every day? No. But I went and that's all that counts. I shall try harder this week.

Mimi can clap. Rock on little girl (oh and she loves to sing).

Pip laughs his head off when we play patter cake together.

Both kids went in the big bath and loved it

We got free ice cream today and since I am the only one that can eat it - I got lots o' ice cream. Bonus.

Mimi slept didn't wake up night (Pip didn't but hey, one baby is a cake walk in comparison two in the middle of the night).

DH managed to contribute this week. Oh yes, there has to be a parade in his honor and a national day of rest but at least he is stepping up.

Tomorrow the kids and I walk a 5K. My kids first real athletic activity with mummy (OK they are in the stroller but they are doing their bit!!).

At the library celebrations today (its the main library centennial) we got a lovely notebook. We decided every night we shall write a little note to the kids so they can read it when they are older.

I got home from work to see this ...

Sleep regression & family progression

Thank goodness! I was getting way to used to sleeping through the night. So far the screaming peaks at 9pm, 12am, 3am, 4am. Then up and fed at 5am. Play, grumble, poo, groan, lay down, scream, play, grumble ... you get the picture. In stereo. With surround sound. 

Added to sleep deprivation a raging case of  PMS and I am one mean motherfukka. Must find my zen place. So far I have used 12 of my daily points just on coffee !!

BUT

I got help this morning... from DH at 5am.  I was at my wits end,  walked into the bedroom, got into bed and said " you need to take over, I haven't slept. They are fed but teething"

He got up WITHOUT A GRUMBLE

then he was LOVELY to me when I got up 90 mins later. 

Then he sent me some lovely texts. 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Date night tonight. He might just get lucky, if I can stay awake long enough 

Love

After hitting 'Publish Post' yesterday I almost changed my mind and deleted the post. So glad I didn't. Your words were very, very helpful.

When I saw my DH last night I felt so guilty about the post. I also felt love.

We did talk. Actually I talked and I think he may have heard some of it. I'd come to the realization that he has to shatter parts of his personality in order to make the changes he needs to make. The fact that I want him to change pains me but not enough for me to accept those parts of him.

I was a little teary through the discussion. I remember saying "what's most painful is the realization that you don't look after me". He looked so confused, shocked and resigned.  Then he fell asleep! He does that. When there is an emotional pow wow he falls asleep.

A little later he asked if I felt better to have talked about how I feel, which I know means he didn't get all this. He thinks I'm upset and it'll pass. He doesn't hear like most people. It'll have to be said again and again and each time it'll be painful.

One thing I know. I love him and he loves me. We love our kids. If this is it, if this is as good as it gets ... it's not perfect but being loved is immense.

ashamed and hurting.

Over the past month or so at least three women friends told me they would've divorced my husband if they were married to him and another set have said the don't know 'how I put up with it'.

It's all about his lack of empathy and laziness.

I thought I could hide it. I thought I could weave a story around our family so people believed that he did his bit but it was in the wings, in the background, you just didn't see it.

Well it seems that's not possible.

So here I am. My marriage is seen as 'bad'.  More to the point my husband is seen as 'selfish and lazy' and I am seen as a fool for putting up with it.

My DH is trying to change. But its clear he has no sense of his role in all this. He thinks if he picks up a feeding here and there everyone will shut up. He talks about all this in terms of 'us' dealing with the challenge of babies. He's totally missing the point.

I wonder if, when we talk about this next, I just tell him the untarnished truth. This is how people see you. This is what they say and this is how I feel about it all. I'm ashamed of you. I'm grateful that you are making an effort but I need you to see the whole picture and treat the disease not the symptom.

Ugh.  Can you believe that! I'm ashamed of my husband.

This is a very, very sad place to be.

Day 3 peepaloozi

I had a nightmare weekend with both twins teething which means they got up at 2am and screamed for about 24hours. However, despite sleep deprivation and ear splitting annoying screams (I know, they're in pain yada yada) I did not deviate from my WW plan. I ate within my plan even tho DH brought home a chocolate cake.

And then...

This morning I went to gym from 6 - 645am.

I haven't stopped peeing. I mean PEEING!!

Ironically I had a meeting with my psychopharmacologist today as well. She gave me Am.bien so I could get to sleep really quickly. And she told me DH has to do more. I like her :-)


 I've noticed that Pip's personality is coming through a bit more. He is a really caring little boy. If the teddy get dropped he comforts it!

I feel so great about all of the above. I feel like today was a great day. One day at a time seems to be the lesson here.

I have to go and see why Mimi is screaming with laughter ...

Day 1. Fear and Loathing in NYC

Holy FAT ARSE Batman.

I knew things were bad but not to this extend. I'm so pissed off at myself. Such a horribly long road ahead, ah well,  I did it to myself and have to take responsibility to get back in shape.

When I heard how much weight I'd put on I thought 'What's the point???' Almost giving  up 5 mins into the whole new program - yeah, great attitude. Luckily I have the best leader in the world who happens to be writing a book about post pregnancy weight loss. She encouraged me to think of this weigh in as Day 1 since I am not the same person that was in the program before and to think of specific goals for this week that I can achieve. She instructed that comparison to any other times of weight loss is  futile and destructive. Smart words.

So, here I am. At the bottom of a very tall and steep mountain without my usual gumption forging me ahead and to be honest, I am a little scared. I'm terrified. But maybe a little fear isn't such a bad thing.

9 months old

You can sing and shout
and body surf about
You are bright and cheerful
And often an earful!

You cuddle so well
And I love your after bath smell
You love to read books
about eggs and ninooks

This poem, oh it sucks
(pentameter is all f*ck'd)
But I wanted to say
I love you my darlings ...  in every which way.

Ramping up to The Great Slim Down

I know I have written this post a few times in the past months but this time I mean it!
Saturday is WW weigh-in day. Day 1 of 'The Great Slim Down'. I am fucking HUGE at the moment. I have no clothes that fit other than maternity clothing which lets face it, 9 months after you give birth, is sad.  I mean, I still look 6 months pregnant.

So.

Saturday I go to WW.
Monday at 6am I go to the gym. Since I'm totally crap about getting to the gym in the evening these days I've decided to go work out at 6 - 6.45am during the week. DH has the kids at that time and I usually go back to bed to sleep. I've decided I would rather be less fat and more tired.

If I go to the gym every week for three months I shall then ask my DH for a personal trainer for my birthday.

If I get down to my pre-pregnancy weight I shall have the plastic surgery that I want - basically  aggressive liposuction and cutting off the belly fat. Sounds horrible, will feel horrible but I will get a flat tummy and it will help me get to my goal weight...

... and IF I get to goal I am buying a diamond & emerald eternity ring :))))))))

GAME ON

Early rising

Thank you for all the comments, its good to hear that I'm not the only one. It was a relief to write it down and a bigger relief to see others felt the same way.

Sooooooo, I'm getting a bit tired of this 5 am thing. Did your kids eventually sleep later on their own or did you have to train them to adjust? Imagine if they went to bed at 7pm and got up at 7am ....oh man. Even tho I go to bed early I rarely sleep till about 11pm. I could be dead on feet all day and then lay awake till 11pm. Maybe I need the sleep trainer!!!

truthfully ...

I'm probably about to start a shit storm with this post.

I read tons of parenting blogs. Some are parenting after IF and some are not. In many of them, the women write about the depth of feeling they have for their kids in terms of bottomless pits. I read how they are totally overcome with love.

What happens if I don't feel like that? Am I still a good mum? I love my kids. When I travel and get home the first port of call is their room. When I smell them it I just seem to sigh. When I touch their soft hair I melt. When they smile and laugh with me it makes the sun come out.

Yes, I love my kids

I'm bothered because the descriptions I read make me think I don't feel enough, that I don't love my kids enough. I feel that there is a level of love that I haven't reached. That bothers me. That others are feeling more than me because they are better or more human than I.

(I'm sorry if this is an insensitive post for those that haven't been successful in their child quest, not my intention.)

It's political ...

So, if you have been reading this post for a while you may have gathered that I tend to research things and I am waaaaay left of center.

Mother's Day, it turns out is quite a political day in the North American area which pleased me no end.

In 1870 Julia Ward Howe decided that women had a political responsibility to shape the societies around us and that this day would be a celebration of that hard work. Anna Jarvis, a few years later created and fostered "Mother's Day". The apostrophe is deliberately placed so we (society) are forced to celebrate each and every mother, not mothering (in the UK its called Mothering Sunday). Who knew that such an event had it's roots in radical feminism!!

In today's climate I argue that it's all Mother's we should celebrate - those who want to be, those who are and those that were.  Our intentions are all the same - to be a mother, to raise, to take responsibility.

So here I stand on my soapbox to proclaim a happy Mother's Day one and all!

Holy Husband Bat.man

Turns out a leopard can change its spots. My DH internalised the criticism and has changed his behavior... in a BIG way. 

He did some pretty dramatic things such as went to the bank to see about putting my name on everything, put my name on the bank safe and without me asking gave me a ton of cash for some bills we have. 

He also bought me Mother's Day cards (one from him, one from the kids) and a present  ... EARLY. This from a man that didn't do anything for my 40th birthday even after repeated instruction about what I wanted and usually he goes to Duane Reed at about 4pm on the day of celebration for a card. This weekend he took me out for lunch at a great restaurant (Greek food - oh it was great) and then informed me that for two mornings a week he will get up first with the kids. Is it 50 / 50 no, but holy husband bat.man, I'll take it!!!!!

I admire how he takes a ton of criticism and responds in full force.  And man, for a first Mothers Day, this has all been quite wonderful. 

finding balance in the marriage.

Past week or so have been a bit surreal around here.
DH and I went to a couples session. We go monthly or so just to keep the wheels on straight. I have been getting increasingly frustrated by DH's lack of 'stepping up to the plate' (remember operation GTFU?) but there is also a financial inequity in our home. When we married we split the expenses down the middle while retaining full ownership of our original assets. When we started to try to get pregnant we decided to just go all in. Or at least I thought we had.

Without me really noticing the situation has become what's mine is ours and what's his is...his.

The therapist addressed it in a really forthright manner. It turns out that the DH's support group that's run by this therapist have been basically yelling at DH for a while about this. People in his group told him that they would have left him, that he is failing the marriage agreement and that he is basically being a selfish and childish.

Whilst DH is kind of addressing the issues, I don't think he has accepted responsibility for the situation being unbalanced. And, if I am honest I'm getting more and more frustrated waiting for the promises to materialize. He speaks in the future tense a whole lot.

Last night, after speaking with the therapist alone I thought he would come home with a plan or with resolve. But they didn't really talk about 'it' apparently. . He seemed relieved that  all the talking is done and we can get back to normal.  My reaction was to be bitterly disappointed. I really had believed that he was going to step up to the plate.

I know Rome wasn't built in a day but damn me, could we at least see the blueprints??

concert week shinanigans

Concert week. Friday night  we sing 'The Sea Symphony'. At least the rest of the choir will sing the Symphony and I shall kind of be along for the ride! I know about 90% of the work, there is are a couple of bars that confound me and I shall just fake it.

Our wonderful nanny has to be out for a couple of days this week. Yikes. So I took today off and  agreed that her cousin would come in for Thursday.  However, the cousin turned up this morning. I really need to work on my communications skills. I feel kind of weird telling A. what to do and I think its because she's older than I am. Maybe it's coz she is Jamaican and I feel like we are in a chapter of 'The Help'. Ahhh bleeding heart liberal. Whatever the reason my crappy communication skills just cost us money we don't have.

However...

It does mean that I have the perfect opportunity to go to the gym.
It also means I can spend more time writing my analysis for work.
It also means I can have a nap
It also means I can go to T.rader Joe's.

What a great frikkin' balls up. 

Sleep training for cats

My bloody cat kept me awake all night. I could kill her. It's like someone sitting with a pin and pricking you in the back or head every hour.

Susan asked what we did to get the kids sleeping through the night. Well, we worked on the day routine. EASY - Eat, activity, sleep, you time x4.
I concentrate on 3 solid meals and 4 bottles per day. So if need be I will wake them up before I go to bed for a bottle.

At first they screamed blue murder at nap time and bedtime. we would take turns to be in the room, calming (not picking up) and reading. We must have read about 50 books! After 5 days of being back from the UK they slept through the night for the first time but resisted naps in the day. Now, they are napping in the day and still sleeping through the night without too much resistance.

TO be honest, I think our wonderful nanny had more to do with this than I. I kept getting panic or anxiety attacks when they screamed. How crap is that!!!

Now, if I can just get my damn cat to stop waking me up I shall enjoy a full nights sleep.