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We had a play date with a one year old today. I was left feeling like our kids are less fortunate than the singleton. His folks are totally into his every need and he is a smart, advanced baby. With twins, I seem to spend all my time responding to needs and not really playing or 'helping develop' their motor skills etc.
I think I have singleton envy!!
And the play date mom, she looked with envy as DH and I cuddled our kids. She wants more, her husband doesn't.
The grass is always greener!


In this, my 510th post,  I will wish you all a peaceful, happy and prosperous New Year

BF .. update

She's pregnant!!! Lovely news indeed.


My acupuncturist whom I consider a dear friend finds out today if her donor egg transfer worked. I am chomping at the bit, desperate for her to call me with that shocked-elated-terrified announcement. I am nervous she will call with the BFN news.

She has been going to a top notch and totally out of this world expensive guy for a couple of years and never once got pregnant. They have been trying for eight years. Eight! I put her on to my crazy Polish doctor and at least now they have embryos to transfer if this shot doesn't work. However, I am not sure they could take a BFN.

Please, for all those times you went through this, cross everything you have, say a prayer, chant or do what ever it is you believe in so that we send her all the good luck we can.

Crying it out

I have come so far with the whole sleep-training-two-kids thing. They nap well. They go down without crying or cajoling. They stay asleep for hours. Specifically the hours of 6pm to around midnight. Then one of them stirs and I am supposed to let them cry it out. Yeah, supposed.
Mimi get stuck on her back but wedged up against the side of the crib. She wails and screams and I just can't leave her. A quick flip, a binky and she is asleep again in seconds.
They are both like that. An easy fix and they are asleep again.

However, that means I am up every hour for a few seconds. I don't think I have seen RAM sleep in a while. I asked our old night nanny to help but with the holidays and now the storm she hasn't been able to get here.

I lack the backbone to let them scream through it. In the morning I get up and chide myself for being such an arse.

How did you handle to screaming?

White out

Yup, we have our first winter blizzard. This may sound a bit odd, but I love a good blizzard.  I love sitting inside watching the weather go mental outside and knowing I don't have to do anything tomorrow. Well, other than look after the tremendous duo.
Mimi was hilarious this afternoon. She wanted her bath at like, 3pm. Not so much. However, she didn't go down without a fight. Chatter squeak squeal murmur ... all the way to nap land.

Pip is spitting up tons lately. He's on Zan/tax which helps somewhat with the pain but not the spitting up. I must have changed him 6 times today.

When it's just me there isn't anytime for cuddling. No one-on-one time which totally sucks. Hopefully tonight we can have the bath, bottle, book and bed routine so I can get to cuddle one of them for a while.

Must sleep. Too much Christmas Pudding.

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 Mimi slept thru the night. Pip almost. We all got up at 5.30am and fed, bathed and dressed in the Christmas jumper set my mum sent over (sort of Norwegian matching clothes).
We opened maybe 3 pressies, they had a melt down and then went back to bed.
Breakfast at our local place with lots of attention from all the out of town visitors that are staying at the hotel next door! Then a short walk to the Empire State Building so I can get my coffee fix (thank you *$).

They are back in bed and we have settled in to watch Star Wars marathon.

Can anyone say perfect day!!

May your day be all you hoped it would be.

Twas the night before Christmas...

The kids are napping for the last time today. At 7pm we will bathe, bottle & book (night before ... well you know) and then off to bed they go. The first Christmas Eve for Mimi & Pip. This year we haven't bought each other any gifts because we just don't have the cash.  However, we've wrapped up first feeding spoons, some sippy cups and various 'next stage' eating items for the kids. To our surprise we also have quite the stash from friends and family.

DH and I discussed what experience we would like to create around the Holidays.  He is Presbyterian Jew and I am an agnostic Episcopalian with Buddhist tendencies. The kids are both Jewish since we had the briss and naming ceremony. 

So here is what we came up with. 

Each Hanukkah night we will light the candles and say the prayer. We will give gifts to each other that we made not bought (gives us something to do on rainy fall afternoons). 

Christmas Eve we will volunteer thru a secular organization.
We'll have a fancy lunch out at one of the nice restaurants in town and then come home for bed, book (night before... yeah, yeah) and a cup of English hot chocolate (real milk, cadbury chocolate). New PJ's every year for everyone.
Just before bed we each get to open one present. 

On Christmas day we'll go to the movies,  have bad Chinese food and then open our big present.

I think we have covered most of the various value's!!
Of course, the day after the 25th my secret plan is to go on vacation - somewhere with a kids club ;)

L'chiam,  Blessings and a very Merry Christmas

Period. Full stop. And stuff

I got one. A period. I wondered what all the bloating and cramps was about. Well, I found out this morning. It was kinda weird to see my period again. After all, I have hated the sight of it for so long.  The BFN'ness of my period was the absolute worst evidence.
Somehow, today,  it was reassuring. Something familiar. Even the cramps and that soft skin feeling I get was groovy. Since I am officially working from home till January 3rd I slept for most of the morning. BLISS!!! Then I pottered down to Union Square to the Christmas market and got a really frikkin' expensive hot chocolate.

Kids
Both went to the peds for their 4 month check. Pip put on two pounds (phew) and Mimi put on one. She is tall (75%) and he is still small  (3%). I couldn't care less. They are healthy and happy and eating and pooping and learning and as of last night ... very close to sleeping through the night. They got four injections and I think all the screaming and drugs and drama helped.

Since little Mimi slept all thru the night,  when I was cuddling her this afternoon and she fell asleep I just let her be (in our sleep training method the idea is to soothe to drowsy then put down to sleep). Man cuddling  a sleeping kiddy. Oh joy without name. A very cute, very sleepy cuddle bug and she's all mine. I can see why going from family bed to crib is such a hard route. The nanny knew I should be working and came to take her from me ... oh no you don't. She laughed and backed off.

So, looks like another slice of old and new are coming together. New new. New life.

Not what I wanted

We were on the brink of the worst of the sleep routine. The major crying was supposed to be last night. I hired my old night nanny since I am totally wiped (long boring work story) and I don't know if I can take the serious screaming by two babies. I would be a total wreck.

I went through what I had been doing, the plan, the outline for the night.

She didn't follow it. She fed Pip at 12.45am and didn't feed Mimi at all. They were both supposed to get a focus feed at 10pm then nothing till 6am. She got them up and bathed waaaaaaay too early. WTF!!!!
Of course the kids this morning were wigged out. They do not like change.

She is coming again tonight. I am writing out the plan and going through it on paper so she gets the message.

For some reason I am furious. I guess it bites my arse when I work so hard to get these kids into a healthy sleep routine and she just ignores me. I employed her to sit through the hardest of the crying (because I am a whimp!)

Sleep sleep sleep

I was asked what approach we are taking. It's a mixture of things but it looks like this:

1. We watched for natural sleep times (theirs is 5pm) So we bathe, bottle and bed form 5-6pm
2. Put down drowsy but awake (we try to read to them every night but if they are tired we put them down)
3. Compassionate crying - they cried for about three days when we first put them down. We would go in and soothe until they were fast asleep.
4. Nap times in the crib (so they get used to sleeping in their cribs)
5. Focused feed at 10pm (this is as of this week coz we are getting to the last step ...
6. Extinguish sleeping: crying it out basically. These guys wake up coz they want their binky or roll over etc. We leave them to cry for 45 mins and then go in, soothe them in place (i.e. in the crib) and leave again.
7. Once they sleep from 10pm - 6am, start moving the focus feed back by ten mins a night until you hit 12 hours.

Step 6 starts tonight. I am totally dreading it. It feels like my heart is being ripped out when they scream but from everything I have read (baby books through to medical journals) it is not harmful and it's quick.
Ideally we should have a full night (10-6am) by the end of this week.

Hot damn, that is an exciting idea.

A glimpse into the future

There I was, ready to move to the next level - extinguish sleeping. We have gone through calming sleep technique where we help the babies learn to put themselves to sleep. Now, they nap like champions and as soon as we do the bath, bottle, book they are so ready to be left alone in peace to sleep.
They sleep from 6pm to 2am. After that there are cries for pacifiers (damn you binky!!) and Pip usually needs a middle of the night feed

Well, last night we gave them a 10 pm feed (yes, we awoke a sleeping baby) and put them down. I went to bed ready to be up from 2am listening to them screaming their little heads off.

I was woken up by the baby monitor conveying much unpleasantness at 330am. I went in and absent mindedly popped in a binky. The noise stopped.

It didn't start again till 6am this morning. 6am. PEOPLE 6 frikkin am!!!!!!!!!

Whooohooooooooo!!!!! I was asleep for 5 straight hours (in a bed no less, not a plane or airport lounge)  and then back in bed for another 3hr!! I feel like a different person today. I'm sure it was just luck and I will indeed have to sit through hours of blood curdling screaming in the wee hours but it gave me an amazing glimpse into the future. A future where mum and dad go to bed and stay there. A future where well rested babies are up and about with the sun, not the moon. Oh I am excited about this sleep training thing.

I have three more days left at work and then I am home for the holidays.  The great thing about working with total sleep deprivation is that when I get to stay home, it's a breeze!!

Think I am going to break out the christmas coffee recipe - beans covered with a light sprinkling of cinnamon and a touch of nutmeg to celebrate.

Blow me down with a feather!

Well, hell women, with all that support I will totally hang around! If I know folks are getting something from my ramblings then it doesn't feel quite so pretentious!

OK .... on to Operations GTFU:  Field Report 2.
Kids are still not sleep trained in my opinion. According to the book they are. They can sleep for 7-8 hours straight from 6pm. Then they fuss and I have to get up every hour or so. With a full time job and no night sleep (I racked up 60 hours at work alone) I am a bit knackered.

So I went to bed at 7am this morning and Cadet DH was to look after the little ones. I had already bathed and fed them. They were to have 2 hours of play time - takes us to 9am. Then 2 hour nap - 11am. I got up at 10.30am to shower and get ready for a bottle feed and the morning outing.
Had the kids napped?

HELL NO!!!!

I finally got the totally exhausted little buggers to sleep at 12.30pm. I hope they sleep for 2 hours and then we shall go out.

Following schedule: Grade - C-

Feeding ability: Did he bathe the children in the milk in the hopes that they would just suck some up??
Grade D -

Playing with kids: when he remembers, funny and engaging daddy

Grade B-

Cleaning up after kids.

ha ha ha ha ha . Knickers does he.

It stuns me that I am still able to love this confused but well intentioned cadet!!!

end of the road?

Still here, still fat and sadly of the 150 people that read my last post only 1 commented (THANK YOU!) Have I come to the end of this blog? I'm not writing about infertility that is for sure. Not that I am not infertile - I have daily reminders of that glorious fact.  Odd, how such a productive person had such a troubled time producing!

Perhaps it time to start a different kind of blog? A family blog perhaps. One about twins? Not sure. What have you enjoyed reading over the past year?

Fat arse and not groovin' ... HELP!!!

OK, I am really really fat. I have more fat on my body than every before in my life and I am not losing it. I am not even trying. I have 90 pounds to shed and I am going, if you can believe this, in the wrong frikkin direction.

What can I do? What did you do? I need your inspiration and ideas here folks.

One year today

This week, in 2009, we transferred 5 embies. Oh yes, 5. All best quality. I was in the chair, zonked out and the doc kept asking me if I was OK with 5. I remember saying 'I just want babies'. Not a baby. Babies. I wanted two perfect little mushy cheeks. I knew Mimi & Pip were out there somewhere and just needed a way to get to me. 

That transfer was our last shot. We had spent all our savings and we had spent all our effort. Too many losses, too many D&E's, too many hopes shattered, too much and too many. Neither one believed that this last round, with this crazy polish doctor,  was going to work, so we  started planning long ass trips. One to Mongolia, another to the plains of Argentina and yet another to Chile. Child free living meant writing travel books with my dh taking photo's.
And then.
And then
Post transfer I followed doctors very conservative orders and lay flat all week. On the last day I was exhausted and really cold. I took an EPT test. BFN. I reasoned that if I transferred 5 that I would get an early BFN. I wasn't surprised or disappointed. I was kind of relieved deep down inside. I could stop trying, stop with the damn injections, the doctor visits before work, paying HUGE bills, working 12 hours a day full of Lupron.
I had to go to crazy polish doctor one last time (I wanted to drop off the needles I had left over). She looked at me and asked me to go pee in a cup. No point, I told her. Already have. Its over.
She said something in Polish and it wasn't complimentary. I went and peed in a cup.
After a moment she called me over. She had this super smug look on her face and her nurses were beaming.

The world stopped turning. Could it be??? I remember I snarled "don't mess with me" (which given that I am British must have sounded hilarious).

Here you are, she said. I looked at the test. I couldn't understand the damn thing.
I burst into tears. What is it? I sobbed.
You are pregnant. Congratulations.
I don't know who said that because I had my face in my hands weeping loudly. Wailing,  really. I remember lots of people hugging me and then ushering me out of the practice and into a cab. I was told to go straight home and rest, drink lots of water and come back in a few days.

One year ago today.

Mimi and Pip. Mum and Dad.

Happy Birthday Babies

It's been 4 months

:-)

They can smile, laugh, scoot, roll (she can), chatter, coo, self soothe, grab, lick, drool ...

and make mum and dad deliriously happy

First car trip

We took the babies to their pretend grandparents yesterday. My kids are quite good. As long as they are watered and dry they can keep themselves happy. Well yesterday they turned into devil children. They started screaming the moment we walked through the door and didn't stop till they were back home.

So unpleasant. So not a good sign for going to meet their real grandparents in the UK!!

It doesn't help that my depression has taken hold mainly due to a work situation, which makes me so mad since it effects my time with my family. As if they have sensed it, both babies have been very cuddly today.
I may be down but I am so in love.

The best of who we are.

This week has royally sucked. Two dear bloggie friends have suffered unimaginable loss and my heart was wrenched in two by their experiences. Both are graceful, amazing women that ought to be celebrated as the best of who we are.
On a personal note, work was awful. Lots and lots of the wrong kind of stress. Long days where I kiss my kids as they sleep in the morning and return home to stand gazing at them,  wondering if they have missed not seeing me at all. But I have kids. And they are safe. And I am so grateful for every second of that.

Today was better. Now its time to grab a few hours sleep before I go away on another f**cking business trip.

Will.

Elizabeth has been reading and commenting on my blog and many others, I'm sure, from the beginning. She always said just the right thing to make me feel less upset or desperate. I started reading her blog liam411.blogspot.com and soon got hooked on hearing about her son great adentures (the marvelous Liam). Elizabeth is married to Will, who recently died at home after battling CF and lung issues. Will struck me as a really solid chap. A great dad and loving husband.
I'm sure Elizabeth would appreciate support right now.
I am so sorry for your loss, Elizabeth.
Eb

Paige

Dear Paige

I wish he could have stayed too.  Whatever a stranger can offer at this time I willingly offer it now.  

Eb

Urgent - please read

ttp://theturningofpaige.blogspot.com/

Please go visit Paige and lend support. She just lost her baby. Paige, my dear sweet friend, I am so very sorry.

Operation GTFU

RE: Field report: 1.
GEO: Deepest darkest parenthood (eastern seaboard)
Time: 21 hours

All is going remarkably well. DH tended to the children on his own for 4 hours today (I was singing in my concert) He pushed the buggy, he cleared up, he ordered diner, he cleaned up and he went out to get me ice cream as a treat.
And I got wonderful foot rubs and head rubs.

OMG I love this man!!!!!! He is getting up at 6am so I can sleep for a couple hours before looking after the kids all day tomorrow. They are getting really good at the feeding thing - they feed at 8-10 and then not again for about 6 hours. Mimi can go for 12 hours. They still fuss though. So I will be up from about 3am. An hour and half deep sleep will really help tomorrow.

How cool is my man. And my kids who are laughing up a storm these days. In between the screaming and hissy fits!! So today that is me... Miss Happy

Concert week

Tonight is a 5 hour rehearsal for the Christmas Concert I sing in every year. Its a big choir and a very high standard. We've been rehearsing every Tuesday since September. Well, I am a total faker this year. I sometimes know what the notes are and.. well sometimes not so much. 

This year I told DH if he didn't want to come he didn't have to. He isn't coming. Operation GTFU is off to a rocky start!! That having been said he did put his breakfast stuff in the dishwasher this morning proving that he does know it exists.

I have noticed that since having the kids I dislike pressure outside the home. I used to love practicing my music early in the morning or late at night.   I used to thrive on madness but today I am behind closed doors hoping no-one comes in with yet another f**king emergency. I want to go home, put my jeans on, wrap the kids up in the stroller and go to the park. Or have a really long nap!

Last and Final Twins and Marriage

I waited for Clooney to call and he didn't so I decided to go ahead and speak with DH about 'the list'.
I got a weekly planner thing and he agreed to commit to contributing.  I wrote down the very basics that we need to get done everyday on a planner and asked him to take 50%. He agreed.
Then he said that he doesn't read planners and would forget.

You have to laugh.

Or spear him with my Jimmy Choo's since they no longer fit my flipper-sized-post-pregnancy feet.

I will persevere. I will grow a man so my baby boy becomes the kind of partner we all want! It sounds like I am building the six million dollar man. We will rebuild him.

Project 'Grow the F+ck Up' is on!! (hereafter referred to as PGFU)