Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Is this rock bottom?

This hormone depression is the killing me. I am sobbing again, thinking what did we do this for?! Why am I in pain with two kids that I clearly have no idea what to do with. Not true of course. I seem to be able to soothe them. We are figuring out the little things as we go along and i am not really in that much pain.

I guess this is what they mean by overwhelmed. I would be feeling this with one kid or four according to my therapist (who has twins). Sob Sob sob. I am sick and tired of being this insecure mess.I panic at every thought - how much is the night nurse costing us, how much for the nurse to dress the wound, how much for the nanny, where is this all going ... blah blah worry worry.... I miss my old self, the confident and happy women. It seems unthinkable that I will ever feel anything but depressed. I actually felt like I was in free fall this afternoon - falling, emotionally.

Please tell me when you started feeling better again. I need something to cling to. I think, I hope, I may be at my rock bottom.

18 comments:

  1. I don't have experience with ppd, but I hope the docs are getting your hormones back in line. Thinking of you, and hoping you can rise out of the funk soon!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Just start getting through each hour thinking about the good things you accomplish. You made the decisions for the nurses/nanny before this horrible hormone surge--so don't worry about the particulars. You know that it will work out. Sometimes you've got to hit rock bottom with depression before you can start climbing out of it. Be patient with yourself. Lots of love.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Crappers! I wish I didn't know what you were talking about - the anxiety, the desperation, the ugly thoughts (WTF was I thinking with this baby crap?!) but because I UNDERSTAND FIRST HAND, my heart goes out to you.

    Did you ever read Brooke Shields' book, "Down Came the Rain?" Be happy to mail it to you if you send me a private email (skygarrett at yahoo dot com - and leave a comment on my last post so I know to look for the email). Otherwise, send your husband out to the public library. I honestly found it refreshing to know that someone else (someone who is wealthy, is in a loving marriage, has great friends and resources and wanted a child so much that she went through IVF hell to have one) can reach that place of terror that is so crippling and that she could, with the help of an SSRI (and therapy) come out of it and love motherhood.

    My high risk doctor was happy to have me stay on the lowest dose of Zoloft during pregnancy and wants me to increase upon birth (which I will GLADLY do).

    The MOST IMPORTANT person we need to help is ourselves first and foremost - so we can be there for our children. I think of it like they advise before a flight. Put the oxygen mask on yourself FIRST, so you can then effectively tend to your children.

    Hugs my friend - and hoping for a speedy turnaround out of the dark cloud.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dear EB,
    I have no advice, but I just wanted to send you love and support. I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope this situation turns around for you very soon.
    Kathy

    ReplyDelete
  5. Dear EB -- I'm so sorry; you know, hormones are a wreck after a baby, everything is just a mess even if depression isn't in the mix. I know you are taking care of yourself and getting the help you need; you are still the same confident, successful, optimistic person and you will kick the ass of these brain chemicals back into line in no time. You will get whatever help you need, and it will work, and you will feel better. I promise, you will feel better. Love to you,
    Elizabeth

    ReplyDelete
  6. I had a singleton c-section birth and felt very similar to how you are feeling (overwhelmed, not sure of what I was doing, depressed and guilty for being depressed because I should have been happy, etc). We hit a turning point at the one month mark (when we finally figured out a routine that allowed me to get a 4 hr block of sleep overnight while husband fed our son) and again at six weeks when my son finally got his days/nights sorted out and I was healed enough from my c-section that I could get out of the house with him. That single act, going to Babies R Us at about the 6 week mark, was life changing. I went with a friend who had kids of her owned who not only made sure we were packed for our outing but then showed me how to put the carrier in the shopping cart, etc. I felt liberated and part of the human race again. 6 weeks was my return to a new normal.

    ReplyDelete
  7. EB - please email me at babette2 at optonline.net
    I will give you my phone number. Seriously. I am here for you if you want to just talk. I'm about 4 weeks ahead of you and I can tell you that it DOES get better. YES it's hard. YES I sometimes wondered at 2 weeks what the hell I was thinking! But it does get better. The meds will help - it just takes a few days to kick in. Your hormones are all wonky right now too. Please make sure to get some rest AWAY from the babies as much as possibly. Please email me and we can talk. xxoo

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm so sorry you feel this way. Hang in there. It will get easier and you will get more sleep. Then it will get harder in a different way but you will have the hang of things by then and be feeling much better. hugs

    ReplyDelete
  9. I don't have much advice for you, i didn't have ppd but i do know how terribly overwhelming it is to have twins at first and I promise you it will get better. Thinking of you and sending hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  10. It absolutely gets better. Newborns (particularly 2 of them at once!) are overwhelming. The hormones are overwhelming. And you're recovering from a c-section. I agree with your dr about staying on the pain meds (your body can't heal efficiently if you're in pain) and increasing your SSRI. My suggestion would be to try and get out of the apt for even a little while. Go for a cup of coffee. Tomorrow is supposed to be a beautiful day. Hang in there.

    ReplyDelete
  11. EB: I was a hormonal, labile mess after our twins were born. I waited 3 weeks and the started on effexor (thank god for it). My guys are slightly older than yours and what I can tell you is that routine helps, sleep helps and taking care of yourself should be foremost. It is a huge thing for me to have a shower and a cup of coffee daily. I try to do little things and try not to get overwhemed. This is easier said than done and we have good days and not so good days. When I have hard times, I reach out to family and friends. Another thing that helps is 30-40 minutes to do something for me (be it reading a book, taking a walk or playing on the internet). If you can't do 30 min, try 15 minutes you blocks. I'm sorry you are going through this hell. I've been there and know that the bottom is still solid. You will feel better, it will just take some time. Thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
  12. It's not just you. It's not just twins. I felt the same way - and I never experienced real depression before in my life. EB... I called Wacky P! Do you remember?! OMG. I was grasping at anything for help. With one, relatively easy baby. Except SO many things are happening all at once: you are post partum with wonky hormones, you have this little person(or people) who you do not know very well yet and you've got to figure out, you're a new mom who didn't see this brick wall coming straight at you, babies are NEEDY, and you have loads of GUILT because you got exactly what you wanted and you're not elated every minute of the day.

    I promise it will get better. As I said to Babette (Kara's mom)in a comment, the beginning is about survival. Both the babies' and yours. It's a hard period of time, and harder with twins, and even harder if you are prone to depression. Cope however you need to cope, and set the guilt aside. I promise that the fog will clear. We all know you love your babies. And they'll know it too.

    ReplyDelete
  13. EB, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. It does get better. I had ppd pretty bad with my son. I was a mess for the first six weeks. Rely on your support system (friends,family,dr) talk about it, and try to take it one day at a time. It will get better. Sending you hugs.

    Rose

    ReplyDelete
  14. Just thinking of you - sending hugs and hope for a better tomorrow! I know you will come through this ok if you can just go one step at a time...

    ReplyDelete
  15. EB - check out PJ's blog - she might be able to offer some tips on newborn twins. I've found her very helpful.

    http://infertilityonthebrain.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hi EB -- thinking of you and sending love!
    Elizabeth

    ReplyDelete
  17. I know it is hard, but they do grow out of this. Our twins are almost a year old and some days were really tough- some days still are!- and that is without depression on top of it. Yo uare doing a great job. Sending hugs...

    ReplyDelete
  18. EB - thinking of you...hang in there. It is HARD, HARD, HARD. My twins are 5.5 months old right now and it is amazing how much it has changed and continues to change. They will sleep. The colic will go away. We just tried to survive...somedays that was as good as it got.

    The raging hormones post partum are enough to take down anyone. It sounds like you are asking for support - that makes you an awesome mom - the babies are getting what they need.

    I used netflix watch instantly on my laptop for an escape here and there - it totally helped.

    It gets better, I promise.

    ReplyDelete