Sleep is sweet

They are still doing it. The whole night long. They go down at 5 or 6 pm and the next thing I know its 5am and the yelling starts. I can even get them to stay in bed till 5.30 to 6am. Seriously.
Since I am sleeping longer stretches my depression is starting to lift although the anxiety is still hanging on. I figure if I can get to the gym regularly that too will bugger off.

We were supposed to go to a kid's event today. We got all the way downtown to see that there were steep steps leading up to the venue. WTF??? We bailed and by the time we got home # 1 son was ready to go to bed - I lay him down and he just went straight to sleep.
# 1 daughter was a little more  reticent so I took her to my bed and we slept all cuddled up for an hour or so. She sweats like a sumo wrestler on a race course so we both need to have a bath tonight but it's so worth it. She is the best cuddle.

Here's a question for you. She makes these smacking sounds with her mouth. I don't think its hunger since she does it straight after food. Anyone else had this? I'm wondering what she is asking for.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

The little buggers did it!!! They went to bed at 6pm and woke up at 5.30am. I was so grateful I kept kissing them and hugging them!!

I am reading the Ferber book and it says that kids/infants should wake up happy. Mine do not in any way. they wake up crying. I shall read further but what do yours do?

Anxiety reducer

I go to a support group every Monday. I've been going for about 8 years. There are 7 of us (one of us the therapist) and we are very different from one another in many ways. The one thing we have in common is we need to meet every Monday to work through our emotional baggage!  It was wonderful to open my heart and mind and feel the anxiety seeping away. These guys know me very well and their support is what I imagine a real family to be.

I got home and fed the little ones and then went to bed. I didn't get woken up till 3am. Whooppeeee.

I dare not hope for another night of extended sleep but if we were to have it... oh my, what joy unbounded.  I've noticed that my anxiety is not just lack of sleep though. It's the product of the lack of routine for us all, myself as much as the kids.  A good night of sleep would indicate that the kids are getting back to a recognisable routine, a safe and predictable routine, a routine that would allow me not to know what to do in some circumstances because we have the routine to fall back on. Without this recognisable routine I am flying in the wind, feeling that there is no safety or peace.

Does that make any sense?

No word from the sleep trainer yet. I'll keep you posted. No pun intended.  

memo from the management

We, the management (AKA your parents), would like to inform you that despite repeated attempts you are not sleeping through the night. Whilst we appreciate your efforts at eating according to the schedule and drinking your milk (which was super good today by the way) your sleeping responses have been less than optimal. According to our records you awoke with force (vocal, very very vocal force) at 1am, 3am, 4am and again at 5am. 

In an effort to resolve this issue we, the management,  have decided to consult with a mediator. Her name is Jan and she is a sleep trainer. She will be concentrating her efforts on the management and helping them not go totally frikkin insane due to lack of sleep. 

Please consider this memo fair warning and indication of intent. 

For the time being the management (aka your mum) will be on the bed, watching crap tv and catching up on sleep. 

As per our agreement...

Many times today I sat holding one or the other and tears were streaming down my face. However, there were times when we were all on the bed or the play mat cracking each other up and that is what my life is for. It's to hear my kids laugh. When I cry Pip pats my face. He may be a pain in the butt sometimes but I think he is going to be a very caring fellow.

Mimi has come down with something. It could just be teething or the change in water but she is filling diapers left and right. She is a little cuddly but she's still grinning from ear to ear. I swear that kid was born to bring light into the world. How did I get so lucky?

I am slightly panicky still, with low level anxiety and higher level depression. I realised that we are all out of the routine and I need routine to feel safe, in control. So, today I decided to really start on establishing the routine again for their health and mine. I was reading about the EASY approach. Eat, Activity, Sleep, You time. I like the sound of that! So I adopted it into our current supposed routine.


Our routine.
The kids got up at 1am and 4am last night. NOT per our sleep agreement.
I got the kids out of bed at 5.00am.  At 9am and 3pm we all went out again to get in the sun as per our time adjustment training. Apparently if you take the kids out in the am sun and the pm sun they will adjust better. Here's frikkin hoping. It was supposed to be crappy here in NYC but it was 79 and sunny. Blissful weather. Park full of noisy kids and mine snoozed the hours away. I read the NYTimes to them. They like the arts section.

Both kids took an hourish morning nap as per our agreement. All fine there.
However, Pip reneged on his afternoon nap but I didn't cave even with all the noise. I went in every so often to rub a back and retrieve the binky. He lodged many complaints with the management but I think we ironed them out on the play mat. I was somewhat alarmed that he was crying real tears. When we first established the routine I don't remember real tears.

I also cancelled a guest speaker gig tomorrow because if my kids are ill, I'm staying with them. I feel a bit sick myself but that could be the four espresso's and two pots of coffee I drank to stay awake today.

Tomorrow I have a nanny and a full day to sleep to look forward to. I shall go to the gym and I may even get a massage. Depression - watch out - I'm coming to kick your arse. 

Dangerous depression but lifting

I am still blue but not as deeply depressed as I was yesterday.  If by Monday I haven't had a good nights sleep I hope the nanny can stay over. If not I will phone the old night nurse. Anything to get out of this place I'm in.

My DH wanted to know what it was like. The best way I can explain it is, have you ever been so depressed you wanted to stop being. I don't mean kill yourself. I mean just stop.  That's where I was yesterday. Breathless depression. Added to that a crushing guilt because I wanted all this.

I was dreading this evening's night time screaming but DH read them to sleep! Will they stay asleep? I have no idea. But for now, they are asleep.

OK. Despite all the crap we had a good trip. Even my SIL was kinda good. We went for a walk with the kids and she rocked Pip to sleep. She did take my nephew away for most of the week even tho we had planned the frikkin' trip around his school holidays.
My bro and I spent some time together which was nice.
My parents fell in love with the kids which was just lovely to part of.
We found where starbu.cks was, even if they didn't know what iced tea was!!!!!
I even had an Easter egg. My first one. It was delicious.

My kids were amazing. Although Pip was ill going over and for the first few days they were so great with all the new stuff. On the way home they were on a plane for 9 hours and didn't make a sound other than laughter.
It was so stressful to have a sick kid away from home but I get great advice and now, at least, I know how to handle it should it happen again.

I haven't had any time to comment of anyone's blog (except two) but come Monday I'll have way more time, after all, I'll be back at work :)

Aftermath

We are home.

We had a great trip in as much as the grand folks met the grand kids and fell in mutual love. We got there and back with no major issues.

We are both still so wound up from the trip I feel like we are going to go mad. I am seriously depressed due to the sleepless nights. I prepared for the time change over there but not when we got back. The kids are up at 1am screaming and upset. I get to go back to bed at 6am.

This feels like we are at the beginning all over again. Have we undone all the sleep work???? How am I going to be able to work next week.

Pip was ill for most of the stay in the UK and screamed most nights. Just now, he screamed so much he threw up all over his crib. I am getting to the point where I can't take the noise. I walk away and hide. I put my fingers in my ears and rock!  I am so anxious and tired.

I feel like I should write about all the great things that happened but I just can't, not yet. There were many wonderful things and I'm sorry for such a downer post but I need your help. Am I in some kind of shock?

I need your help to climb out of this depression.

Still here ....achoooooo!

We are still 'on holiday'  in the UK. I have Pip's cold, thanks sweetie. The kids are doing OK with the change in time although they don't sleep more than 3 hours at a time. I am thinking we may need to sleep train again when we get back HOME. Hoooooome.

Oh home. Changing table at a reasonable height. Stroller. My bed. NANNY. Routine.

For those that asked Cal.pol is a paracetamol based suspension and it is great for children with colds or ear infections. I felt so crappy the other night I dosed myself up and slept very well! We are dosing down as they say over here - little doses in the day, whopping maximum dose at night. Not that it gets him to sleep through the night but it does get him stoned enough that I can do the snot sucking thing.

Mimi is delightful. She grins and laughs and is always with her grandpa. Pip, being a bit of a trooper, is doing his best but how crap must he feel. Virus, time change, hotel, stressed out mum. He still laughs with me but at night he has the terrors - screaming for all he's worth.

Tomorrow, instead of spending the day with my folks we are going to a Georgian village with a roaring river to eat fish and chips and get some fresh air. Yipeeeeeee. A real holiday day, as it were.

We are back in NYC on Wednesday lunchtime.  4 days and counting to sushi.

One thing is for sure. Any vacation we take from now on will be a walk in the park compared to this marathon!!

hell on wheels

Pip developed a cold, a heavy ass cold and was up for days. I was just at my wits end when I decided to take him in the local doctors. She was a typical young British doctor that did the perfunctory look-see but the good news is he wasn't seriously ill. I was a frikkin' wreck
My bother recommended something called calgo.l and it has worked like a dream. in 24 hours the little fella is much more like his self.

They aren't eating as much as I'd like but at least they are happy and enjoying their grandparents.

They are awake again.

Quick update from the UK

Well, we got here. Damn it was hard. Mimi was easy. She slept all the way over and barely cried (infact she slept through assent and decent). Even when she was awake she just played quietly.

It was harder for Pip.  He screamed the house down when we got on the plane. I did everything legal to try and soothe him. He started drinking a bottle on assent and projectile vomited all over me, himself and the chair. I pity the poor person flying back to the states.
He didn't scream on the way down at all.

He screamed on and off for 24 hours but seems to be getting better. His color has returned and he is eating and drinking.

We took them to the pool. Oh it was lovely. Pip was so happy in the water, really enjoyed himself. But, we can't go today coz he has a cough which is something to do with the formula I think.  I am switching him to the soy formula.

they are crying = how much milk should they be drinking?

One Day More

We go to the UK tomorrow for 10 days. I haven't been 'home' for that long in over ten years. Clearly I am having tons of  reactions to this trip.

After I gave birth my parents told me they couldn't come over to see the little ones as planned because my mum had been diagnosed with a heart condition. My mum was clearly devastated and I promised  to bring them over when they got past 6 months old for a long stay.
I had envisioned a month over summer where we would rent a lovely holiday cottage with access to a pool. Long evenings in the garden with that wonderful summer feeling that only the UK can give me.

Well, it was way too frikkin expensive.

So, instead, we are going to a hotel with a pool and gym (yipeeeee).  The kids have bathing suits and swimming trunks - totally cute -  and my folks have begged borrowed or bought anything that moved and had baby association.

I'm so excited to see my folks (its been well over a year) and my nephew who is telling anyone that will listen that he is busy the next week being 'the big cousin'.
I am terrified of all the things that can go wrong.
I am eager to get out of NY for a little bit and to my beloved Yorkshire (the countryside is unbelievable). I jumping up and down with excitement about swimming and hiking with the kids.
I am totally PSYCHED that I will be out of work for a while
I'm all a flutter with anticipation of  real tea, my mums cooking, seeing my folks with their grandkids and of course my role being different - finally - in the dynamic of family (no longer the single daughter workaholic) and most of all just being able to hang out with my nutty  family.

I'm also worried about being so excited about a visit home since lets face it, families are hard.

So, my dear friends. As long as the doctor gives the kids the all clear to fly (yes, I am having them checked out!) wish my bon voyage and bon chance!

I'd love to hear how you handled the evolving role in your family. 

cough

Mimi has a  barking type cough. Its occasional and she's had it since she was born but its getting more present. A. thinks its part of a small cold. Of course we are off to the doctors tomorrow to check it out. She doesn't have a temperature nor is she lethargic. At the time of writing she is smacking her lips together to tell me in no uncertain terms to get her breakfast ready!!

Anyone else got a kiddie with a chronic cough?

Our weekend of firsts ...

Big Bath - splash splash squeal poop
Swing - whoosh whoosh hick blech
Teeth - whaa whaa whaa mommyyy!!!!
Cat cuddle - purr purr, grin grin
All nighter - snore snore snore snore

SHE'S BAAAACK!

Ask me, go on, ask me! YES! I slept. Most of the night I got two/three hour naps but then I slept very deeply  from 6am to 10am. Oh I am rejuvenated. Damn, sleep is better than sex.  Did I miss tons at work - yes. Do I care - no. 


Mimi is totally fine, no temp and eating her way through our baby food stash. 
She was sitting in her boppi chair, you know the ones, and her feet touch the floor! Pip has his legs sticking out but Mimi looks like a long string of lovely. I think she looks like a ballerina in the making but since her ma got kicked out of baby ballet for kicking a fellow baby ballerina I think the road ahead may be rocky.  


I have not yet had the conversation with DH but I shall over the weekend. Maybe a list, written out and displayed will be included. 




You should check out the TED talk Let's talk parenting taboos: Rufus Griscom + Alisa Volkman. love to hear what you think (ted.com)