Holy Crapola they are 4! Now where is my bed?

The kids just turned 4. We were on vacation which I have realized means kids having fun, mum running herself to the ground, dad catching a head cold (aka man flu) and not helping in the least.

Oh JOY

So here i am, back from holiday and i am totally exhausted. What a joke.

I did give the fella a kick up the pants - an intervention of sorts. I went to see his therapist with him and alone and just let it all hang out. I told him that he either engages or gets out. No half measures. He committed and has been doing well (except on holiday where is totally got an E-)

the kids didn't notice coz they are used to daddy being useless but they did appreciate anything he did for them - which I can't actually remember at the moment.

We got back last night and it all went to shyte. Mimi screamed from midnight onwards coz she wanted to sleep in our bed (nooooo!) and DH was roaming like a vampire complaining of a really bad pain in his back. At 2am he went to the ER and it turns out he has kidney stones. OK, I know, they are super painful but omfg here comes the suffering.

While he was in the ER he updated me every time anything happened. He got back at 4am and woke me up to tell me all about it. Then Pip got up at 5am.

Seriously folks. I cannot do this. I work hard and balance my life well (I think) but after no rest on vacation and no sleep last night I have face ticks and a heavy head cold. When I go back to work on Monday it will be full on with back to back catch up meetings and the absolutely crazy ass that is my chosen profession.

Then I look at the kids. Pip is such a sweetheart. He is cuddly and cute and funny as hell. He giggles as much as he can and is as smart as a whip. Mimi is a firecracker with smarts way beyond her years. She can count and read even tho we are the laziest parents ever. She is kind and polite and bloody tempered and mean witch when she wants to be.  They both discovered their water baby heritage on vacation - splashing around with me in the pool for as long as they could without getting hypothermia.

Pip decided to quit diapers and is completely potty trained. He just decided one day. Just like he decided suddenly to quit teddy bears and binkies. Mimi needs a night nappy and hates using public toilets (don't really blame her).  Basically they are pretty damn amazing all around.

And in no time at all they start PreK in a very good but fairly ancient public school. It looks like something from my childhood and I love it. Big heavy doors, little tables and loo's. The smell of boiled cabbage and concentration. Good luck, dear teachers, you will have a major challenge with my guys and I have no intention of curbing their spirit.

OK. I have 50 mins to the cavalry arrives and I can sleep for two hours, uninterrupted. Two whole hours.

OH! I nearly forgot - I read a full novel for the first time since the kids arrived. Whohooo!

Hope all is well with you.

stargazer

Amazing how much more fun this summer is than last. The kids are independent and excited by the littlest things. For their upcoming birthday a friend got the kids a stargazer tent. It the kind that is basically all mesh on top so you star gaze but has a wet cover for privacy and rain.
She got it when we were hiking last time. Apparently a group of very disgruntled campers abandoned a whole bunch of tents - 8 people whoppers to this small two person tent.

I am psyched. I've always wanted a stargazer

The kids will freak out when we go camping. Of course, all the spots we want to go are booked but I'm hoping for a cancellation.

Next time I'll post pictures of my intrepid explorers.

We went camping. TICK ALERT!

Growing up I was quite outdoorsy. Weren't we all back then! I was an avid venture scouter - free weekend outdoor fun.

Since moving to the states I was prettified of going anywhere near the real outdoors. If I hiked I did so out of season when it was cold enough to kill any living thing.

Well, this weekend we all went camping. Now, granted we had a cabin but it was four walls and a floor type cabin. We still needed all the usual crap of sleeping bags and backpacks galore. I love all the crap that you have to take. I love the hooks and water bottles and torches.

We were by a river, in the woods and each day we would get up, have a lazy breakfast, then hike hike hike. The little ones might be short but damn they can walk.

We had a campfire at night and ate s'mores (a first for me - how have I lived this long and not had them before) and at night, as the kids fell asleep on their awesome travel beds (lightweight, no fuss and keeps them off the ground) I could smell the wood smoke in their hair.

I may have overdone the anti mosquite stuff but when I was a kid the worst you could get was a little mossie bite.

Snakes, bears, mosquito's the size of tents, buzzies and of course ticks.

Did we get a tick ride along? Of course.

When we got home I checked every inch of those kids. EVERY INCH. And there it was. Hidden in a crook on my little fella. I grabbed the tweezers and went to work. FREAKING OUT ALL THE TIME.

Seriously. I just don't get why it's so hard to go camping. I got it and washed the area and then wiped it with alcohol. I shall ask sn to take him in to the docs tomorrow just to make sure.

Now its over and I googled the facts - only 1 - 3% chance if an infection and even then its treatable - shall I go back on my 'hell no camping' promise? Yeah. I think so. Although the kids will be hermetically sealed from the neck down for the entire trip.

Mr Man along. NOt your camping type of fella but he did to be with the kids and that in my book is a good guy.

So, a lovely memory making weekend. Now it's time for True Blood.

Hope you are all doing well. 

School News

Normally getting into pre K in NYC is usually insane. Impossible is more an accurate description. However, by a stroke of amazing luck, the new major has funded universal Pre K for all. So my kids got their letter of notification this week and we are not only going to PreK its an all day program, at the school we wanted and there are two classes so the kids get to learn in their own way.




Whoooooooooooop.


I am in shock to be honest. I am just didn't believe it would all go so easily. When I say easy I mean stalking the school since I was pregnant and checking the websites every day twice a day.


Its so much fun right now. They are loud and noisy and talk all the time. Pip is a character. Funny, indignant, super friendly. He says hi to everyone. Mimi is a beauty inside and out. She is super smart and really needs to get to school! She says wonderful things like " I want to be pretty like you". Since i am not pretty and was never told it, oh it feels nice.

Which brings me to my body. I am still on the track to bariatric surgery.  I've been to a few seminars and lots of doctors, read tons of books and sites and spoken to a few folks post surgery. I am 80% convinced I should do it. I lost weight and put it back on to the tune of about 500 pounds or so.

Anyway, that's what is going on. That's the monthly download.

Hope all is well with you

Good grief..

its a long time since my last post.

I've been really busy but basically we're still potty training and waiting with bated breath to hear if we got a pre school placement.

I'm spending most of my time reading about weight loss and in a six month preparation phase. I have to pass tons of pre requisites over the next six months. Supposed to be living clean and healthy for the six months. HA!!!

Mothers Day is sugar and carb laden as is every other day :)

Happy Mother's Day to one and all!

Ooopha

Pip has been ill.  From bug bites to temp, stomach upset and all around icky. We took him to the docs but they just did what I call 'mechanic' test (looked under the hood). No blood tests etc.

Now, call me a pushy NY mother but kid gets covered in bites and a day or two later comes down with lethargy and temp…

He's on the mend but I am keeping my mamma bear eyes pealed.

Mimi on the other hand seems to be going through her terrible two's in her 3's. All attitude, stomping and manipulation. She seems to be testing boundaries all over the place. Know what I want for mothers day? peace. No sleep. 

He could've been a contenda!

This weekend has been glorious weather. Cool but sunny and after the horrendous winter we were all out of the door and walking around town to our hearts content.

It's also the time of year when we can open actually our windows. In the winter - forgetubaoutit. In the summer? Oh yuck. Autumn …  for a nano second before the snow comes. So Spring is it.
As a kid I loved sleeping with my windows open in late spring.  Cold but somehow not, snuggling under my covers was just lovely. So I left the kids windows a jar last night and tucked them into their big duvets.

This morning Pip woke up with a bright red, puffy eye. He's been bitten all over his face; three times near is eye and a couple of times near his ear. He looks like he's gone 10 rounds in the ring.
Was it that warm? What is up with NYC mosquito's! They all have puffer jackets or what???

So I am now on a war path. I've ordered serious netting for the windows. I've ordered lemongrass and bug spray and all sorts. You bite my kids and I'll make sure your kind is freakin' extinct!

Any ideas - please pass 'em on. Lets face it friends - this means war!

Calmer waters …

Potty training is ongoing with lots of cheering and clapping

Binky crisis is very nearly over. A few whimpers and sighs and what seems to be a really naughty little girl!

What a long couple of weeks but hey...we got there.

Now lets get some spring on please!!

me and my big mouth

we are knee deep in poop and binky withdrawal symptoms.


I am living with 4ft high drug addicts - binky is the drug and momma is the only thing between it and them

and kids don't like to poop on the potty. they do like to poop in the hallway (hello new rug) and in the bathroom, just on the floor, next to the loo, NEXT TO THE LOO!!!


last night i got about 4 hours sleep whilst blocking the little binky addict.

Today i went to a toy shop and bought bribes galore. Yes I caved. Dor.a crap, a pink princess thing, even a big fluffy dog so that she might get some comfort. I caved big time.

So, tired, smelly and longing for respite, I bid you all a happy weekend!

And wait there's more. Binky bye bye

What!!!

Yep.

The dentist told mimi she had to give her binky's to the binky fairy.  We have negotiated a partial release (blue binky can go but pink butterfly needs to be in escrow).  She went to bed and she is binky free.

Wow.

Potty training and binky bye bye all in one week,


I should buy a lottery ticket

Potttttttyyyyyyyyyy training

Why does my bathroom smell of poo? I can't find any anywhere. I got back from work around 8pm and thought - mmmm bath maybe?

Instead I was like a damn blood hound!

I gave up.

Then I thought … poo. Potty. Potty training.

I found the smell. Its pooy clothing in the 'stink bin' (a bin we keep for late night puke laden clothing).

So. That. Means. They. Are….

OMG!!

And sure enough. My husband showed me the photo's of very happy little fella peeing into the potty with gay abandon (must remember to get more lysol) and there was little gal, happily watching tv while crouching on her throne.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have lift off.

Pre K = Harvard, are we getting ready for a year of blossoming?

Statistically getting into a public preK in NYC is harder than getting into Harvard! Well, thanks to the new mayor we now have  4 options. 4. 4!!!!

So unless something wild happens it looks like my big kids will be in school starting in September.

Feel like we won the firkin' lottery. Uhmazin'

Which leads me to… weight loss surgery.

Yeah I know. Hey, it's my blog :)

I don't want to be the fat mum. Not now or later or anytime but the10K running, hiking, swimming, energetic mum.  I've been to the blogs and vblogs that you guys recommended (THANK YOU) and they were amazing.

So I am waiting to hear when my consult is.  Perhaps as my kids grow I will shrink.

DH isn't totally over the moon and most of my friends think it's ridiculous but if I'd listened to people before I wouldn't have my kids, now would I.

Wow, am I really considering this?!

One of the biggest factors was how much energy and how happier everyone seems to get. They all wobble post op. Then they get inpatient and then the weight starts dropping as they make healthier choices and then … like butterflies they emerge from under the 'weight' and seem to be so happy.

Weight Loss Surgery

Two friends of mine have had WLS. One a decade ago. She lost a huge amount of weight and was clearly happy. Yet slowly she regained the weight and now she seems to fade in and out of life a bit.

The other friend just had his. He was pretty ill and this will hopefully save his life.

Mmnnn- thinking … thinking ...

Did the test to see if I qualify.

Yup.

Crap.

And the surgery says … I'm going to make an appointment with a WLS  Dr.

This isn't a 'suddenly one moment' decision. I spent most of my Christmas break watching videos of folks that have had various WLS.

Here's the biggest thing I'm thinking. I want to enjoy my kids for as long as possible. I want to feel less tired, less big and waaaaay more healthier. My knee's hurt, my back hurts and I come from a family with diabetes, heart attacks and other super stuff.

It just feels like the right thing to do.

Do you have any experiences to share? Good or bad. Love to hear it. 

Why I am not mad just crazy

Here is what life is like with two small kids, one big job, life in a big city in a small apartment and a family full of big dreams.

I dream of going back to freelancing nearly every day but we have to have financial security of an office job for now (for reasons I can't explain here I am financially supporting three families). However, I keep my options open by doing freelance gigs on the side. Does that expand my working week by double - hell yeah - but we need the money and I need the escape hatch to be fully burrowed out :)

However, with my loony toons brain I am forever walking the tightrope between doing OK emotionally and tumbling into panic, anxiety and depression.

You know what keeps me afloat? Yup, the cheeky tots. I hug them and kiss them, cuddle and snuggle and my panic recedes.

Last time I held on to my kids for dear life I thought 'is this healthy? are there others like me?" and it turns out there are. I found a study that said lots of women with toddlers are exhausted and depressed but the smell and touch of the kids released endorphins to caused them to mentally stabilize.

I am running out of time with my kids. They start pre K in the autumn and then what? Well, then we don't need to pay for full time childcare, that's what. Then I might be able to go back to being a freelancer  - get up super early and work, then get the kids up and take to school, then work till they get out of school and spend the rest of time with the kids.
Maybe its a pipe dream or in reality its a nightmare or I am just a 'grass is greener' type of person.

Having options is sure lucky tho and for that I am grateful for my gift of life - my kids.

Loony toons update.

THANK YOU for helping me. Thank you for making me less alone.

So far two doctors are helping. First doc raised my anti-depression  Rx which has helped.  The other person is a specialist and I'll be seeing her in April. She may change my Rx or add something.

Things are less intense now. I won't say stable.

The anxiety and depression is because  I just want to stay home and raise my kids.  I can't believe that this high flying exec has lost her pin stripped mojo but its true. Work feels meaningless and like it's robbing me of my life with kids.

I can medicate through this but oh to win the lottery or just enough so that I could take on the role of mum full time.

I guess if my work had meaning this would seem less of a struggle. I work with mostly morally bankrupt people. It's pretty damn disgusting. One or two shining lights make bearable. Just.

And of course my poor long suffering husband. Damn me, that man has listened to me piss and moan for years!

So. My medication tape tells me I need to think about gratitude. so here is my gratitude list.

My home with its kids, cats, husband is loving and lovely.
I get to sing once a week.
we are safe and healthy

What's are you grateful for?

anxiety disorder.

Ever since taking the job from hell that I eventually quit I seem to have developed an anxiety disorder. Even in my current position that I am more than capable of doing, I have racing heart, sinking feeling in my stomach and I am over compensating by eating. 

I won't go in to details but my thoughts are starting to worry me. 

I've struggled with depression for years but ever since the kids came I've been pretty well stable. However, my anxiety is getting out of hand. 

Anyone tried any anxiety meds? 

Epic potty fail … binkey fail … fail

So we have not managed to potty train anyone.

we were consistent and encouraging and all that crap.

I even bought over expensive branded toddler toilet seat thingy's

Epic. Fail.


Didn't help that Mimi fell into the loo bottom first and I laughed till I pee'd myself. She was righteously annoyed at me for most of the day.

Binky is better. Just night time and no fuss. So maybe that's less of an epic fail?

Mimi can now climb out of her cage .. I mean crib… so many times in the wee small hours there is a battle of the wills followed by a morphing into Joan Crawford by your truly at 4am. No, I am not beating my child with hangers.

Tomorrow we go out to the country for the day. Snow and sledging and hot chocolate by the fire then home in time for a bath and bed. My kind of day.

How's it all going with youz guys?

Tantrum central

Mimi is taking the changes really hard. She is screaming in her bed right now. Does she have her binky? Oh yes of course. She's now only using binky at night, in bed which is a huge step forward. Her behavior in the day is pretty awful. Tantrums and screaming and fighting and biting.

It's driving me nuts.

Now she's screaming at night as well. Actually its a full on tantrum even tho she has the damn binky. It starts with the whine, then the speed and volume picks up and then we are in to the hiccuping, almost puking. She calms down enough to call for me and then ramps up again.

Pip? Sleeps through the whole thing!

Potty wise we have had a few small victories. This weekend is snow weekend so I may just go for broke and do the dry and try approach.


Oh dear lord make that child stop whipping and wailing.

Binky potties

OK. Here we go. Let the judgements reign.

How do we get the binky away from Mimi? And how do potty train toddler twins. I have tried every known trick in the book. NADA

So, consider this the end of my tether cry for help.

Kids are 3 and we apply for preK this year. If they aint potty trained they aint going.

HEEEEELLLPPPPP

Ted Hughes was only partially right.

Well, the trip went very well folks and I am so proud of my kids. It takes an age to get to the remote part of the world my folks live in.  Did my teenie two blink an eye? No. My international traveling lovelies just kept on moving with us till we all got to the peace and quiet of the Yorkshire countryside. We returned to the bog snow storm in NY. Was that an experience! They cried but they got through it. Good little ones.

For those of you that haven't been to remote Yorkshire land it is wet and muddy. On one walk I had two little kids wrapped around me whilst I slowly sank into knee deep thick muddy puddle. Turns out they quite like puddle jumping!   Every time we went went for a walk the first thing they did was jump in the deepest muckiest puddle they could find!

The UK family dynamics were a little strained. It's really challenging to see such vibrant and successful people struggling so hard with the aging process. And it was really hard saying goodbye. At this point I feel the distance between us so very deeply.  I can't just pop by.  They see their grandkids in spurts. The historical drama gets crammed into a few days and so becomes incredibly intense.  Such a complicated time. I miss them but I am relieved to be back in my life where I am not working hard not to be wounded.

Fun stuff:

Pip discovered the coolness that is Spiderman. Mimi mastered whining. Dear lord is that annoying.
We mastered the art of improvised nappies since we ran out three hours into a 12 hour travel day (don't ask).
Pip learnt to use a fork to eat spaghetti.
Mimi learnt to write a few letters and I swear she can read words.
Nephew (9) and kids were as thick as thieves and now Pip keeps saying "I miss my cousin) ahhhhh
We didn't watch TV at all.
Mimi really likes to cook

2014 - what animal is it?

Well the holiday season was great fun and we got through the darkest months with love, joy and fun. I am always amazed and extremely grateful for this little tribe I'm part of. We might not be a big tribe but we certainly got lots of love.

On the flip side my folks are both not doing so well. My mother is in worse shape than my father both in heart, mind and body which means we decided to cash in some savings and go over sooner rather than later.  The threat of serious events is real but not immediate. However, my kids have been with their grandparents a total of 4 times total in their lives. Of course visiting the north of England in January is not exactly a beach vacation but I don't care - its the cheapest time to go.

Although the anxiety of traveling with two toddlers is daunting it's also less anxiety ridden. We've done this a four times now - each time they handle it well. We have to take two planes and a car ride to my folks house. Amazingly the car ride is the worse for the kids. They get car sick. I am getting little travel bands for them - the motion sickness ones (if I can find them) but any advice warmly received.

After such a lovely couple of weeks with my little tribe I have to say I'm a little apprehensive about returning 'home'. I love my folks and they love me but boy is it stressful. Lots of therapy for all of us would be great but since we are not only English but from Yorkshire that would never happen. So the old issues swirl and bubble and hiccup and trip me up when least expecting.

This trip I will not succumb to the eating relief. Usually, I keep it together all day and then at night tuck in to foods from my childhood in an unhealthy way.  That shall not be happening. I am taking my sneakers and running gear (we have to cheek luggage anyway) and will resolve things for myself in as a healthy a way as possible.

Wish me luck!