Monday, April 12, 2010

Are they still there?

I don't feel pregnant. I am fat and have the belly but I am can't really feel them anymore. We go for the big u/s on Wednesday but that seems like forever away. I am now paranoid that I haven't eaten enough protein or calcium or I have eaten too much sugar and carbs and I have killed them. There is so much stress at work I worry that the cortisone and adrenalin may have done them in.

And yet, as I write, a feel a small pain in my side, then it's gone. Another one the other side and then it's gone. I know that's them, kicking me and each other. I know they are in there, safe and sound because the doctors told me that I am in the lowest category for worry. I also know that I love them totally and absolutely already and that we are a special little trio of life. I know I have only 18 more weeks of growing them and I think that makes me fearful. I never dreamt I could get this far and here we are. Looking at 'the home stretch'. Will it be snatched away from me? Do I deserve this much of a gift and this much love?

I need to snap out of this. Be thankful for this opportunity to grow life (there is an old Jewish quote about assisting in gods miracle which I love). Maybe I shall lay still for 10 mins and send them lots of love.


  1. "Trio of life"...I love that. Yes, lie still and send them lots of love. I'm sure they are there, loving their mum right back. :)

  2. I am so happy for you - and yes! you deserve this happiness. I have moments of doubt each day, in between their moving patterns. When they don't move for a while, I wonder if they're still alive. I panic for a bit and have to lie down to concentrate on ANY movements at all. Then I feel them again, and all is right with the world again.
    I'm so excited for this journey - for you and for me. Stay calm and try to enjoy!

  3. It is so unfair, what IF robs us of and gives us in its stead.
    Try to just hold on, hour by hour, day by day and Wednesday will be here.
    Your babies are not dead. They are thriving and living it up in there. And they are grateful you are their mom. If they could speak, they would tell you not to worry, they would thank you for giving them life, and that if you just keep doing what you are doing they will see you in a scant 18 weeks.
    You can do this. It is preordained.

  4. Hey, you are doing great. Tomorrow will be here before you know it and you'll see them splashing around in there all happy. For today try to keep busy, maybe put on some of your favorite music and see if it perks them up! I think we never completely relax after going through IF, but you are fine, the babies are fine and work is going to be over soon, at least for today!

  5. Keep your head up! How are you doing? How was your doctor appointment?