Monday, June 4, 2012


Pip has been coughing for a while so I took him in the doctors. It's pneumonia. I am freaking out. You should have seen me at the doctors when she said 'he has a little pneumonia' In my books there is only having or not having, and my little sweet funny fella has it.

I am so scared.

I was composing a post last night about how, as an infertile,  I always feel tightly connected to loss no matter how blessed I've been. I feel it deep down. I realized today how terrified of it I am,  every moment of every day.  Each miscarriage, each reader-loss, each moment of grief, pain and anger. These moments mount up into a real threat, a real presence that 'normal' people couldn't really understand.

I know myself. Whilst pretending to do housework or write something for a client or whatever  ... I will sit and hover over the poor lad till Thursday when,  even if he is better,  I'm taking him back in to the doctors for a check up. I will sleep on the floor in their  room, just like I do when either one has a serious cold (pretending to my DH or supernanny that I accidentally fell asleep in there).

Maybe most parents are like this? I feel a bit like a nutter. 


  1. Not a nutter at all. I'm Right. There. With you. Hen's sick and I've been spending more nights in there with him than not, and I'd be lying if I said it was only for his sake.

    After everything we went through, every moment of happiness feels like it'll be ripped away from me at any minute. Every sniffle, every cough signifies the beginning of the end of everything. I used to think that the impacts of infertility/pregnancy loss hadn't really affected me, and then I realized that not every mother of a toddler wakes up apprehensive every day (every. single. day.) and has their heart handed back to them when they hear their baby wake up in the next room. He woke up. Again. Life can go on for another day.

    And people laugh and say, "yeah, that's what being a parent is like," but I think there's more to it. I think this is what being a parent after infertility/loss is like. Life is fragile. We know this with more directness than most people have to know it. So we worry more about the shit we cannot control. Hang in there.

    Good they caught it when they did, but antibiotics really are da bomb for things like this and he'll be fine. Hope he feels better soon, and you can sleep in your own bed soon, too. Thinking of you.

  2. I say this in all seriousness: You. Are. Not. Crazy. Or, if you are, I am as well!! I sleep on the couch with them when they are sick or I sleep on the side of their bed or on the floor. I get up multiple times in the middle of the night to check on them. I hope he gets better soon.

  3. I hope little Pip gets better soon. It is heartwrenching to see our little ones sick and our histories make the pain more acute. Ditto what the lovely Sprogblogger and Brenda have said. Crazy or a total f'ing nutter is the #$%^^ who gave her 1 year-old a bottle of a methadone type drug to use as a rattle and after seeing some missing and one wet gave him a bottle of milk and went to bed. Didn't lose a second of sleep.You can guess what the horrific outcome was. It happened in the Bronx not too long ago. Crazy you are not! You are an amazing parent. Kathy

  4. Nope - I don't think you're nuts either. I still read loss blogs and feel more connected to them than mommy blogs (at least, "mommys who haven't also lost" blogs). And we have a mattress on the floor in our wee one's room and he only has to be sniffling a little for one of us to spend a night in there with him.