Lazy Sunday mornings

Still in my PJ's reading the NYT and drinking decaf coffee. Cat on one side, snuggling as close as she can get and a breeze coming in.... ahhhhhhhhh.

I had a total breakdown last night. I felt all wound up, over tired etc. Got back from the movies around 10 and went to the kitchen and inadvertently stepped on little cat's foot (male cat). His scream made me freeze (on his foot) instead of jumping off it.

I calmly walked after him, into the bedroom. He hid away from me. Miss kitty came running in to make sure he was OK and they sat there, looking at me. I lay on the floor and avoided eye contact and just started bawling. Of course the event had upset me but it was all my pent up frustration, fear and anxiety just bubbling over. DH panicked a bit, thinking I was sinking into a fugue! I had a long hard cry and felt much better.

I have noted that the evenings are really hard on 40 cc's of EL. Much harder than any of the other cycles. Hopefully they will tell me to reduce it after my clinic visit tomorrow.

This morning I got up a little late to do the morning injection and felt totally pooped. Went straight back to bed. I think I need to take the next couple of weeks as easy as I can (ha!). So far I haven't managed to get to the gym. The idea of exercising with all the bone ache I have is not appealing. Maybe I should go swimming instead. I could even fit it in at lunchtimes.

Hope you all have a happy and relaxing Sunday.

Hot flashes and hair loss

I must have lost half my head of hair on EL. And it gives me hot flashes too.

So, weigh in day +1 pound. I am not too bothered to be honest. On 40 cc EL I expected more. As long as next week I am at or lower than today's weight = all good.

The preparation plan for next week is

1. stop off coffee completely. As you know, this is torture for me but has to be done. So I will go to a decaf middle size for 5 days. Then small for 5 days. Then every other day etc. Ah coffee. I am so sorry my old friend.

2. Increase veggie intake. I have noticed that I am not eating enough veggie's these days. I am sick of salad so I need to find something else. I adore roasted veggies so maybe that is the next one.

3. Water. I used to be diligent about drinking water and then all of a sudden I stopped.

4. Walking workouts. I will try to get to the gym for a walk. This is hard since my day starts really early and ends really late this week.

Excited about the less than 3 weeks scenario.

Patches and thoughts

Elizabeth (http://liam411.blogspot.com) is lovely. Her words of support have meant so much to me over the past year. She always says just the right thing. She and her husband are having a tough time. Please go over and give her hug.

So...... Cornel.l called yesterday. They managed to get their act together and cross compare my IVF cycles and have amazingly noticed that I have a thick lining. I always have had a thick lining. Through all 6 cycles, I have had a 7 - 22 lining.

Now, two things ...

1. they are doing that now? How about when I did my mock? how about when I mentioned it to them a few weeks back? How about not scaring the crap out of us with words like 'cancel' and 'too thick'

2. WTF???!!!!

So, as of yesterday I am on one patch and two injections. One patch of estrogen (hello lover) every other day and two 20cc of l.upron. I already feel better. Tired, achy, spotty, dizzy and oh so hungry but much better :-) Does that mean we are on our way ??

YES !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

we are 3 weeks away from transfer. Ohhhh joy. 3 weeks from a 5 day transfer. less than 3 weeks from a 3 day transfer. I will be PUPO in 3 weeks. I will be in bed, watching funny DVD's and English TV eating pineapple core. bliss.

And Miss kitty. Full recovery, bandage came off this morning. For the first time in months she is naked and loving it. All purring and grooming. She was exhausted yesterday after the surgery - fell asleep on the bed and didn't move for 12 hours. Today she is up and hungry and all over us and her brother. You can not even guess how big a smile I have on my face right now!!

Happy Friday everyone. Thanks for you support this week

EL hell & follies galore

Ya, it's bad. Painful, actually. My body is swollen -puffed up like a puffer fish. This morning I couldn't get the damn needle in! Had the actually stab myself. Nice way to start a day. I feel like I am swimming through water and the hunger... oh man. I am sticking to my regular food routine coz it's the only way to navigate the food cravings.

This morning an unknown doctor stuffed the cam up me and proclaimed "wow look at that".

Normally I would have bolted up, shown interest and engaged the knowledge man. This morning however I sighed and said "wha?"

My left ovary is suppressed. My right ovary, however, has blown up like a balloon. Tons of follies and large ones at that. Oh the irony.

"looks like you are sensitive to the medication"

No shit sherlock!

When I left the exam room he was showing the results to another nameless medicine man and they both looked confused and excited. Not something that filled me with calm. I await instructions but need to get more Lupron. I have 2 needles left. That means I have been taking this shit for over 3 weeks now.

On the life is good side of the list: My RE doc phoned me yesterday and assured me all was well, not a problem, not thinking of canceling and didn't know why the nurse would suggest that. She was lovely - attentive, calm, informative and strategic. I am pleased she's my doc.

AND... my cat got a clean bill of health. She is cured. YIPEEEE. As I write she is having her tube removed. Oh my little one is fine. HUGE relief. Hopefully she will be off meds too.

40cc's baby - BRING IT!

Well, my head feels like there is someone with a razor blade slowly slicing my brain off. But if it means I can go to transfer I will take it.

DH and I discussed the consolation prize vacation (what happens if the cycle doesn't work) and DH told me he doesn't think he can get the time off. This translates to, I want to keep my time off for the trips I want to take for my photography. He also said he would 'send me' on holiday. Two things makes me laugh about this. I would be paying for said holiday and big whoop.

So, where to go and what to do solo. Never had a problem with solo travel but I think this is not going to be that kind of vacation. It will be an emotional vacation. I was thinking of going to a spa, somewhere hot. Or sunny at least (I ought to go to the UK to see my folks but that is not a healthy get away). I could learn to surf. I could go to a women's only learning to surf for old people class on the other coast somewhere (that's you K and BWUB). Or go to a ranch. I love horses and riding and all that equestrian stuff. I also think being around animals will be healing. I know, I'm a hippy.

I shall think about it at some other time. Like never, coz THIS CYCLE WILL BE THE ONE

This afternoon - cat goes for a check up at the vets. I hope they take the damn tube out since she chewed through the stopper last night. Poor thing has a paperclip on it now!! Think happy thoughts for us.

Part 2.1

Apparently my lining is "going up and down like a yoyo". Nurse thought that was funny.

and ladies... I am now going to be on Evil.L.upron TWICE A DAY.

Has there every been a case of murder by l.upron??

My estrogen is rising, my lining is increasing so they want to super suppress me and try to thin the lining down further. How is this possible? You got me. No idea.

Will I get cancelled? The jury is still out. My donor doesn't start till the 14th which the nurse thought was a good sign.

I am going to give in and go along. All I have to do is get past the next few days with 40cc's of l.upron in my system per day.

Incredible hulk anyone???

My Dr hasn't phoned me back. So I guess she ain't talkin'

Part 1.1 & Part 1.2

Since I shall have to wait for the 2 calls from Cornell today I shall post in parts.

1. got to the clinic and there were no seats left. Now to put this into perspective this is a full quarter floor of a hospital. We were standing in the aisles and sitting on the coffee tables.

Go in for b/w. wait 30 mins to be told I don't need b/w. Have u/s. Told to go have b/w. Arhghghg.

2. Lining is over 8. Sigh. Stopped bleeding so no more shedding going to happen.

Possible outcomes:

a) cancel the cycle

b) double up the lupro.n and continue the cycle. oh. my. god.

c) wait for Dr to call back with another alternative.

I am kinda over all the ambiguity going on. I called my Dr and left the following message

"Hi, this is EB. After a few weeks of u/s and b/w I am getting conflicting information from your staff about whether I am going forward with this cycle. As you can imagine this is frightening and annoying. Would you be so kind as to call me back to clarify? Many thanks"

Polite and yet, to the point.

Now call me back before I rip your fucking head off.