Sleep is sweet

They are still doing it. The whole night long. They go down at 5 or 6 pm and the next thing I know its 5am and the yelling starts. I can even get them to stay in bed till 5.30 to 6am. Seriously.
Since I am sleeping longer stretches my depression is starting to lift although the anxiety is still hanging on. I figure if I can get to the gym regularly that too will bugger off.

We were supposed to go to a kid's event today. We got all the way downtown to see that there were steep steps leading up to the venue. WTF??? We bailed and by the time we got home # 1 son was ready to go to bed - I lay him down and he just went straight to sleep.
# 1 daughter was a little more  reticent so I took her to my bed and we slept all cuddled up for an hour or so. She sweats like a sumo wrestler on a race course so we both need to have a bath tonight but it's so worth it. She is the best cuddle.

Here's a question for you. She makes these smacking sounds with her mouth. I don't think its hunger since she does it straight after food. Anyone else had this? I'm wondering what she is asking for.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

The little buggers did it!!! They went to bed at 6pm and woke up at 5.30am. I was so grateful I kept kissing them and hugging them!!

I am reading the Ferber book and it says that kids/infants should wake up happy. Mine do not in any way. they wake up crying. I shall read further but what do yours do?

Anxiety reducer

I go to a support group every Monday. I've been going for about 8 years. There are 7 of us (one of us the therapist) and we are very different from one another in many ways. The one thing we have in common is we need to meet every Monday to work through our emotional baggage!  It was wonderful to open my heart and mind and feel the anxiety seeping away. These guys know me very well and their support is what I imagine a real family to be.

I got home and fed the little ones and then went to bed. I didn't get woken up till 3am. Whooppeeee.

I dare not hope for another night of extended sleep but if we were to have it... oh my, what joy unbounded.  I've noticed that my anxiety is not just lack of sleep though. It's the product of the lack of routine for us all, myself as much as the kids.  A good night of sleep would indicate that the kids are getting back to a recognisable routine, a safe and predictable routine, a routine that would allow me not to know what to do in some circumstances because we have the routine to fall back on. Without this recognisable routine I am flying in the wind, feeling that there is no safety or peace.

Does that make any sense?

No word from the sleep trainer yet. I'll keep you posted. No pun intended.  

memo from the management

We, the management (AKA your parents), would like to inform you that despite repeated attempts you are not sleeping through the night. Whilst we appreciate your efforts at eating according to the schedule and drinking your milk (which was super good today by the way) your sleeping responses have been less than optimal. According to our records you awoke with force (vocal, very very vocal force) at 1am, 3am, 4am and again at 5am. 

In an effort to resolve this issue we, the management,  have decided to consult with a mediator. Her name is Jan and she is a sleep trainer. She will be concentrating her efforts on the management and helping them not go totally frikkin insane due to lack of sleep. 

Please consider this memo fair warning and indication of intent. 

For the time being the management (aka your mum) will be on the bed, watching crap tv and catching up on sleep. 

As per our agreement...

Many times today I sat holding one or the other and tears were streaming down my face. However, there were times when we were all on the bed or the play mat cracking each other up and that is what my life is for. It's to hear my kids laugh. When I cry Pip pats my face. He may be a pain in the butt sometimes but I think he is going to be a very caring fellow.

Mimi has come down with something. It could just be teething or the change in water but she is filling diapers left and right. She is a little cuddly but she's still grinning from ear to ear. I swear that kid was born to bring light into the world. How did I get so lucky?

I am slightly panicky still, with low level anxiety and higher level depression. I realised that we are all out of the routine and I need routine to feel safe, in control. So, today I decided to really start on establishing the routine again for their health and mine. I was reading about the EASY approach. Eat, Activity, Sleep, You time. I like the sound of that! So I adopted it into our current supposed routine.


Our routine.
The kids got up at 1am and 4am last night. NOT per our sleep agreement.
I got the kids out of bed at 5.00am.  At 9am and 3pm we all went out again to get in the sun as per our time adjustment training. Apparently if you take the kids out in the am sun and the pm sun they will adjust better. Here's frikkin hoping. It was supposed to be crappy here in NYC but it was 79 and sunny. Blissful weather. Park full of noisy kids and mine snoozed the hours away. I read the NYTimes to them. They like the arts section.

Both kids took an hourish morning nap as per our agreement. All fine there.
However, Pip reneged on his afternoon nap but I didn't cave even with all the noise. I went in every so often to rub a back and retrieve the binky. He lodged many complaints with the management but I think we ironed them out on the play mat. I was somewhat alarmed that he was crying real tears. When we first established the routine I don't remember real tears.

I also cancelled a guest speaker gig tomorrow because if my kids are ill, I'm staying with them. I feel a bit sick myself but that could be the four espresso's and two pots of coffee I drank to stay awake today.

Tomorrow I have a nanny and a full day to sleep to look forward to. I shall go to the gym and I may even get a massage. Depression - watch out - I'm coming to kick your arse. 

Dangerous depression but lifting

I am still blue but not as deeply depressed as I was yesterday.  If by Monday I haven't had a good nights sleep I hope the nanny can stay over. If not I will phone the old night nurse. Anything to get out of this place I'm in.

My DH wanted to know what it was like. The best way I can explain it is, have you ever been so depressed you wanted to stop being. I don't mean kill yourself. I mean just stop.  That's where I was yesterday. Breathless depression. Added to that a crushing guilt because I wanted all this.

I was dreading this evening's night time screaming but DH read them to sleep! Will they stay asleep? I have no idea. But for now, they are asleep.

OK. Despite all the crap we had a good trip. Even my SIL was kinda good. We went for a walk with the kids and she rocked Pip to sleep. She did take my nephew away for most of the week even tho we had planned the frikkin' trip around his school holidays.
My bro and I spent some time together which was nice.
My parents fell in love with the kids which was just lovely to part of.
We found where starbu.cks was, even if they didn't know what iced tea was!!!!!
I even had an Easter egg. My first one. It was delicious.

My kids were amazing. Although Pip was ill going over and for the first few days they were so great with all the new stuff. On the way home they were on a plane for 9 hours and didn't make a sound other than laughter.
It was so stressful to have a sick kid away from home but I get great advice and now, at least, I know how to handle it should it happen again.

I haven't had any time to comment of anyone's blog (except two) but come Monday I'll have way more time, after all, I'll be back at work :)

Aftermath

We are home.

We had a great trip in as much as the grand folks met the grand kids and fell in mutual love. We got there and back with no major issues.

We are both still so wound up from the trip I feel like we are going to go mad. I am seriously depressed due to the sleepless nights. I prepared for the time change over there but not when we got back. The kids are up at 1am screaming and upset. I get to go back to bed at 6am.

This feels like we are at the beginning all over again. Have we undone all the sleep work???? How am I going to be able to work next week.

Pip was ill for most of the stay in the UK and screamed most nights. Just now, he screamed so much he threw up all over his crib. I am getting to the point where I can't take the noise. I walk away and hide. I put my fingers in my ears and rock!  I am so anxious and tired.

I feel like I should write about all the great things that happened but I just can't, not yet. There were many wonderful things and I'm sorry for such a downer post but I need your help. Am I in some kind of shock?

I need your help to climb out of this depression.