So.... now what...?

I have a really important meeting today. At 12. With my Chairman. And what am I doing? I am reading blogs and wondering if by tonight I will be on BCP! I have lost my mind.

Still no word from coordinator Melissa. WTF. Am I on Day 1? Or have I messed up the whole damn cycle? Why didn't she tell me that I needed to inform her of this period - it's not like I have been out of her life. I have emailed her nearly every bloody week.

oh crapola. I hate not being in control which we all know is a recipe for disaster for IF.

Here's a question for you. Should I give up coffee? Is decaf OK? Even a decaf venti from StarB? I love coffee and am totally addicted. But I will give it up if I need to. Even the decaf. Here is something that will make you laugh - my warped sense of denial. Every morning I get a big decaf cap with skimmed milk. Oh I am so healthy, I think. Except I ask for an expresso with it!!!! But does that count since I am drinking a really big decaf? It's like eating chocolate with diet coke. They cancel each other out. Right.

I weighted myself this morning. Since I started my weight loss journey I am at 30 pounds. I started weight watchers after losing some weight so my WW book says 24 pounds. But my last IF cycle I weighed myself on the last day. I have done it. 30 pounds. Not that I am going to stop. I still have a LONG way to go and I want the official 30 pounds from Weight W.atchers. But still, thought I would toot my horn for moment.

OK. I have got to read this 79 page presentation I am supposed to presenting today. Work really gets in the way of obsessing about things.

HAPPY FRIDAY ONE AND ALL!!

waiting waiting waiting - UPDATE

From my coordinator...

I am starting to work on dates and I wanted to see if you started

your period yet. Please let me know because I will want to get you

started on birth control pills and it will help me to set the

dates. Please advise.

Have a great day!

Wha?? I just finished my damn period. Is that bad? No-one told me to phone in!! What ever, one step closer. I must say, bitching to the blogiverse seems to get great results at Cornel!

why oh why haven't they called. People are getting pregnant all over the place and here I sit like a freakin' IF wallflower!!

I can't hassle them any more. Just can't. And I could throw myself into work coz ... well that is what they pay me for. But I just want to be pregnant already. I don't want to be in the 2ww. I don't want to be staring at a BFN. I don't want to be thinking about next steps. I want to be thinking about food, morning sickness, baby suits (the best thing EVER is a clean baby in a clean suit).

It looks like 'Cat Crisis 09' has quietened down, at least for a day or two. She is eating like a champ now & we cuddle on the settee all night. Man, it's nice to emerge from the depth of this one. I think I lost my mind a little. We get the next liver tests on Sunday and then three more weeks till the tube comes out.

Maybe in three weeks Cornell will phone, cat will be tube free and I will hit my 30 pounds mark. My new motivation is that there is a ton of really cute maternity wear out there but I would have to be quite a few dress sizes less. So I am starting an endurance training thing - rather than do big weights at the gym, I will be doing lower weights for a long time. It burns more fat and helps metabolism to speed up. Add the yoga for muscle tone and flexibility and there I will be, in my cute autumn maternity outfit.

Please.

Ah a good nights sleep

I'm doing better, thanks for letting me know we are all in the same boat! I will speak with DH about how I feel but not till we are both rested and back to normal

Kitty update: biopsy says she has infected bowel disease so we have added steroids (kitty 'roid rage)to her fountain of drugs. Hey IVF drugs - walk in the park compared to what miss Kitty has to go through. Last night she came out of her seclusion place and we lay on the settee together all evening. I watched Masterpiece Theatre and she slept. Perfection.

I am checking out Krip.alu (i think that's how its spelt) in the Berkshires. It is cheap and I can do a weekend ( a two hr train ride from NYC). It looks like the instructors are really great and as a yoga retreat I would get a weekend of fresh air, quiet and rebalance. I feel I need to get ready for the DE and right now I am way too physically and emotionally stressed. DH could look after kitty and I would pay the nurse to come in each day to give him a break. Alternatively I could hire a friends house on the lake for the weekend. Cheaper, quieter and I can swim in the lake which would please me no end (such a water baby).

Anyhoo - emerging from the crisis (I hope) and trying to sleep as much as I can.

Good luck to all those waiting to see, hear and know.

Crazy weather crazy me

Yesterday I was so tired I ended up getting an anxiety attack at work. It was nr the end of the day so I just left. I made of point of getting to bed early. It's amazing how some people reacted to it though and by some people I mean dh. He had to take the helm and I refused to come out and help him. I took a sleeping pill and went to sleep.

This morning the cats room (she has to be secluded when we're not around) was a total mess. Crap everywhere. He had fed her 1/5 of what he was supposed to and her complicated medical routine wasn't written down so I have no idea what he did (we are supposed to show the doc on Sunday).

WTF

why cant he just do it! Why can't he do the thing, the job, the chore properly? After we spent thousands of dollars on getting her on a positive prognosis he messes with her feeding!!! That is the very thing that can kill her. WTF!!!

And she is a cat. What happens when its kids?

I have a friend who's marriage is dissolving. It started with when their kids were born.

Needless to say, I am worried about all this.

Slow boat to china

that what this DE thing feels like. COME ON ALREADY!! OK got that out of my system. That having been said we are coming up to my all time favourite season - autumn. Maybe waiting till September would be a blessing in disguise? I get to be preggers and where wool! I get to be preggers for Christmas. I get to tell people I am preggers at Christmas which would totally ROCK!

I am feeling anxious today. I suffer from chemical anxiety (ie my serotonin uptake is wacko). It's an easy fix but since I am sleep deprived and my cat's biopsy results still aren't in and it's worrying me hey, guess who has bitten all her nails! I shall walk home for the exercise. I shall eat a healthy meal with my darling and cuddle my cats (who are now going to be totally freaked out by the thunderstorm overhead) and then go to my support group.

So here's what I am thinking. Since I am going through basic training for new born's with this cat thing, it is clear that I need to have some sleep in order to avoid my anxiety ramping up too much. My friend (SMBC) hired a night nurse for two nights a week so she could get a decent sleep at night every so often. I was thinking of doing the same thing (for the baby, not the cat~!). How much do you think that would cost? What are the pro's and con's? What do they actually do?

Red Velvet Cake.

That's what I decided on last night (along with a wedge of lettuce slathered in blue cheese dressing and fries). Oh abandon. Oh decadence. Oh indigestion.

We had diner then went to pick up cat. She looks so much better with that damn tube out of her nose although now she has an enormous tube coming out of her side. I can't do holes where they aren't supposed to be very well so I sat down before I fainted and DH dealt with everything.

She is now sporting a really cute t-shirt (that keeps the tube in place). She is still very sick but she got home and went straight for her paper bag bed (we bought her a lovely sheepskin bed but she prefers the bag from the deli) and started purring. Yes, folks, we have a purry furry once more. I sat with her, she purred even more. We fed her 'gruel' she purred. I fed her this morning and not only was she purring, she fell fast asleep during her feed!!

I am delighted. I think this is going to be all OK. She is totally adorable and whilst we had to spend our vacation money for this year and next, it is worth every penny. (I'll tell you a secret, in her tshirt she feels like a baby - you know, that full soft belly feeling. ohhhhhhh).

On the IF front...

AF arrived this morning. I had very strange symptoms this time around. I wonder if its a reaction to the D&C I had or the hormones I took in the last round? Long time ago though. Maybe its just age and stress. Whatever it was I felt like I was coming down with the flu. Anyone ever get that? I have till 2 to the next feeding, medication etc so I shall try to take a nap, have some vit C and sniff out my m.ydol. At times I really enjoy being on my period: The relief of the symptoms. The defining fact of it all. And then there's the other 90% of the time!!

Last night DH asked how many times we were doing DE. Odd question since we had already decided we could only afford once. He wants only once. I want only once but not for financial reasons.

Happy Sunday all.

It's a new day

It finally feels like summer today. Hot, humid and sunny. Can't believe I am going say this but I actually like it!

So weigh in - another 1.2 pounds. I am 1 pound away from my first goal. I have on a summer dress that I bought ages ago and it fits so nicely now (no idea why I bought a dress that was 3 sizes too small for me but that's another post). I celebrated by going out to brunch with DH and had Eggs Benedict without the sauce. Yes, I love the sauce but I just can't help but think of all the fat in there. Who am I! I shall have something naughty tonight. Maybe an English chocolate bar. maybe a slice of pie. I have been obsessing over pie ever since I saw BWUB amazing pie shots - like food porn!! Ok enough food. Wow, I am nearly 30 pounds lighter. I love this feeling. Think it will help me get preggers? I am doing it for that but mostly coz I want to be a fit and healthy mum. I want to be like the women next door that looks great with 3 small kids, a busy life. She exercises with them and they play all the time. I want to be that mum.

DH has been asked to shoot in Haiti. I know his job takes him to far flung places. But I am sitting here thinking all those medical shots. will the effect his sperm???? I know - obsessed!! I'm not going on this trip (hopefully I will be pregnant) but I will help plan it all, which will be fun. He is going after the DE IVF clearly. I had so much coffee I am typing so fast smoke is coming off the keyboard!

And finally miss kitty is doing well. She has a her stomach tube in and a snazy new tshirt. She is coming home tonight (at 9). I have decided to try and shake the crisis mode I am in. Enough already. I love her, we paid a huge amount of money to help her, she will get better and we have medical care for her four lunchtimes a week till she is fully recovered. I need to catch up on my sleep, get back to regular exercise and re balance my mojo ready for the DE cycle.

Thank you dear friends for supporting me over this very emotional couple of weeks. You made all the difference.

Where can I get good pie in NYC?